Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 32 – Emotional Intelligence

If I’m reading an annoying email and someone knocks at my door and I turn to them and yell, “What!?” That’s not very relationally intelligent. I’ve taken my emotion from one situation and bled it all over a different person for no reason at all. I’m sure they’d think twice before knocking on my door again.

If instead, I quarantine my annoyance over the email and turn to the person knocking at my door and say with a smile, “Hi, how can I help you?” I’ve demonstrated something called ‘emotional intelligence.

Well-known psychologist, Daniel Goleman has done a lot of research on the components of success, especially in the workplace. His conclusion is that Technical Skill and Intellectual Intelligence (or IQ) are very important, but that the quality of Emotional Intelligence (or EQ = Emotional Quotient), is the most essential. In fact, it’s twice as important as the other two attributes.

Emotional intelligence is learning to be aware of our own moods and take control of our emotions. It also includes knowing how to relate well to a wide variety of people.

How do we do that? Well, Jesus gave us some great advice as recorded in Matthew 7:12 when he said, “Do for others what you would like them to do for you.”

Some people call this the “Golden Rule”. The relational wisdom here is to take the time to think about how you like to be treated.

  • Think about the qualities and attributes that attract you to others, the ‘ideal friend’, if you will. People you enjoy being around.
  • We can also think about the qualities and attributes that repel us from others. You know, the ‘friend from hell’. People you don’t enjoy being around.

Then the application is to intentionally develop the qualities of a good friend and intentionally avoid or get rid of traits of people that annoy you.

This is proper advice for ALL of our relationships – think about how you want to be treated and then YOU take the initiative. Begin treating other people in that way. What a difference that makes!

Imagine a world where every one of us followed this basic principle of relationships.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 31 – Listening

Welcome to this new series of Soul Food which is on the topic of Relational Intelligence. Life is all about relationships and we’ll be looking at a whole range of skills and insights to improve our relationships – at home, at work, at school, in our neighbourhoods … wherever we find ourselves. 

Relationships are built, developed, and maintained through good communication and an essential part of good communication is the art of listening. 

  1. Listening communicates love and value. 
  2. Listening helps you understand other people. 
  3. Listening earns you the right to be heard.

Unfortunately, we easily develop a bunch of bad habits when it comes to listening. I know, because I’ve mastered all of these!

  1. Inattentiveness – because we are not concentrating or are preoccupied with our own thoughts.
  2. Interrupting – finishing people’s sentences for them or jumping with our thoughts.
  3. Advice-giving – quickly putting on our ‘fix it’ cap and telling people what we think they should do. Just a quick tip – most people don’t want to be ‘fixed’, they simply what to be heard and understood first of all. 

Thankfully, we can all develop some good habits when it comes to listening: 

  1. Show Interest – be genuinely interested in other people and what they have to say. This curiosity will help you be a better listener. In many ways, you show a person’s worth and value to you by giving full attention to their words.
  2. Focus – make eye contact, concentrate, and listen carefully. This takes effort. 
  3. Ask questions – questions are powerful. They encourage people to open up about what they know or feel, they create meaningful conversation, and they help us learn. Try these questions for going a little deeper in your interactions with people: “So then what happened …” “Tell me more …” “How was that for you?” 

Are you a good listener? Why not talk a little less this week. Ask a lot more questions. Listen more.

You’ll be a better friend … and you’ll learn a lot.

Someone once said, “We have two ears, but only one mouth, so we may listen twice as much as we speak.” That’s good advice.

Make a decision to be a better listener, beginning today. In doing so, all of your relationships will benefit.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

You can watch this episode on video on the Soul Food YouTube Channel.

The topics covered so far in this Relational Intelligence series include:

  1. Listening
  2. Emotional Intelligence
  3. Empathy
  4. Authenticity
  5. Love Languages
  6. Confrontation
  7. Forgiveness
  8. Trust
  9. Atmosphere
  10. Anger
  11. Acceptance
  12. Encouragement
  13. Apology
  14. Friendship
  15. Assertiveness
  16. Feedback