A Personal Check Up (Pt.1)

It’s hard to believe that we’re half way through another year. At the mid-way point of a year it’s good to pause or take a brief ‘half time’ to do a personal check up.


Most of us don’t like doing check ups – whether it be the doctor or the dentist. We’re too busy and we don’t like pain or the fact that something may need attention. But the truth is that check ups help us ‘define reality’. They tell us the truth – so we can then make appropriate changes … for our own benefit! A good check up ensures we’re healthy and heading in the right direction.



In some areas, we can do a check up on ourselves – a self examination. The Apostle Paul told the believers at Corinth to ‘examine’ and to ‘test’ their own faith as to its quality (see 2 Corinthinas 13:5). Before taking the Lord’s Supper, he had also told them … ‘examine yourself’ (1 Corinthians 11:28).



I thought that this week it would be good for us to do a bit of a check up on ourselves. Beginning tomorrow we’ll ask five key questions that will provide a way for us to do some personal reflection.


Talk to you then.


Love for a Lifetime – Building a Great Marriage (Pt.6)

Wedding Rings Today we will look at the fifth key to building a great marriage …

5. Grow Together Spiritually

As followers of Christ, Nicole and I have found that our relationship with God is a vital part of us reaching the fullest potential of our marriage relationship. After all, intimacy has a spiritual dimension to it.

Spiritual vitality makes a difference when it comes to the quality and sustainability of any marriage. Lack of a quality spiritual life is often at the root of most relational problems. Here are some interesting statistics:

  • 1  out of 3 marriages end in divorce.
  • 1 out of 50 marriages end in divorce if the couple had a church wedding.
  • 1 out of 105 marriages end in divorce if the couple attend church regularly.
  • 1 out of 1105 marriages end in divorce if the couple attend church regularly and have family devotions.

Making God the centre of your marriage and family makes a big difference. The writer to the book Ecclesiastes says that “a three-fold strand is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12). We see marriage as an intertwining of ourselves and God. Life is difficult at times and we easily get drained. God is the continual supply of love, grace and wisdom that we need.

Nicole and I also have a sense of common kingdom purpose. We exist to serve God and his church together. There is a sense of destiny on our lives that we are very aware of and that we take seriously.

Finally, we must not be ignorant of the spiritual warfare dimension to marriage. There is a God and there is a devil. We have an enemy whose desire is to break up relationships, especially marriages. Ed Silvoso, a pastor from Argentina, says, “Destroying a marriage is a higher priority than destroying children because of the domino effect.” Yes, there are forces are arrayed against you. We must be on guard and vigilant in our faith and our relationships.

How is the spiritual dimension of your marriage? Do you involve God in your marriage relationship, including your decisions? Have you prayed together lately (see 1 Peter 3:7)?

If you are married, my prayer for you today is that your marriage will become the very best it can be. If you aren't married, remember that singleness is no way inferior to marriage. Jesus was a single yet he lived a joyful and fulfilled life. You can too! If you've had a broken marriage, my prayer is that God will help bring healing to your heart and help you make a fresh start, learning from your past experiences.

Love for a Lifetime – Building a Great Marriage (Pt.5)

Wedding Rings Today we mve on to look at the fourth key key to building a great marriage which is …

4. Effective Conflict Resolution

Everyone has arguments, conflicts, crisis and problems. We sure have … lots of them! The outcome either hurts the relationship or helps it. It’s what we do about our problems that is most important. After all, marriages with the biggest problems don't necessarily break up. It's the way you respond to problems that determines the future of the relationship.

Problems or crisis confront every relationship and no one enjoys them, but strong families are able to respond to the problem in a constructive way – to see some positive element in even the most difficult situations. Problems cause strong relationships to pull together rather than be pulled apart, as they develop trust and a greater reliance on each other. Discuss your differences and pray together.

When facing an unresolved conflict, here are a few good questions to consider:

  • What is the main issue causing the conflict?
  • When would be the best time to discuss it?
  • Have we listened to each other’s perspective?
  • What possible solutions can we think of?
  • Which solution should we try first?

Admit it when you are wrong. Repent first and forgive first, like Jesus did. This is your responsibility. Take the first step. Anger gets us in trouble but it is pride that keeps us there and creates barriers. Never go to bed angry. You will get angry … but handle it constructively. Don't use it as a weapon and don't hold on to it (see Ephesians 4:26-32).

When you get stuck, get help fast. Naturally, we try to fix things ourselves. We don’t like to admit that we need help from someone who knows how to get us out. However, a dinner and a movie won’t solve deep problems. Humble yourself and ask for help. This is the beginning of the healing process. The prime marriage destroyer is hard heartedness. See a counselor or mature Christian.

Be committed to each other, no matter what. After all, true love is a commitment, feelings or no feelings. Love is based on one's vow, one's word, and one’s promise. Feelings come and go, they rise and fall. Commitment stays the same. Character is the ability to carry out a good resolution long after the mood in which it was made is past.

You won't have a problem free marriage. It will take determination, a willingness to adjust, and a commitment to make it work no matter what. Long marriages are not necessarily problem free, but they're committed to make it last. Commitment and trust are the glue that holds us together.

How is your conflict resolution? Is there something unresolved between you right now? What could you do to fix it?

P.S. For some more thoughts on conflict resolution see my blog post on Controlling Your Anger.

“It is in the whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; in fact they create our courage and our wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn. However, fearing the pain involved, almost all of us attempt to avoid problems. We procrastinate, forget them or pretend they do not exist.” [from The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck]

Part 6

Love for a Lifetime – Building a Great Marriage (P.4)

Wedding Rings So far, we're looked at friendship and partnership as two keys to a great marriage.

Today, we'll look at the third key to building a great marriage which is ….

3. Good Communication

Someone once said, “Marriage is one long conversation, with an occasional disagreement along the way.” A good marriage requires continual quality communication with each other. When communication breaks down, so do marriages.

Good communication is essential to a successful marriage. A leading marriage counselor says that 50% of divorces result from poor communication.

There are different levels of communication: clichés, facts, ideas and opinions, feelings and emotions, and then complete trust and openness. Develop and foster intimacy, warmth and openness. Be tender, easily spoken to, and approachable. Openness leads to greater intimacy. Share your deepest feelings, hopes and fears. Communication is the key to understanding and understanding is the key to intimacy. Talk about everything. Be open and honest with each other.

How is communication in your marriage? Are you still talking and listening to each other? How could you improve your communication this week?

P.S. For some additional thoughts on communication see my blog posts on ListenGood Listening and Controlled Speaking.

Part 5

Love for a Lifetime – Building a Great Marriage (Pt.3)

Wedding Rings Yesterday we looked at the importance of building your marriage on a foundation of friendship. In the best marriages, the husband and wife are best friends – for a lifetime.

Today, I would like to share with you what I think is the second key to building a great marriage …

2. Partnership

Nicole and I are not only friends, we see ourselves as 'partners' in life and ministry.

Understanding the role of the husband and the wife is very important. Genesis 1-2 tells us the story of how things were in the beginning – according to God’s original design. Unfortunately, a lot of people read into the text their own opinions or traditions. As a result, there are a lot of misunderstandings about what the Bible teaches about this subject.

Some people even see women as being inferior or at least subordinate to men. Here are some of the arguments:

  • “The woman was created second. Man was made first, so is therefore superior." In actual fact, this argument is flawed as man was created after the animals. Are they superior? If you take this logic, then the woman was the crowning of God’s creation! In reality, both man and woman were created in God’s image and the man was incomplete without the woman, who also bears the image of God.
  • “The women were created as a helper for Adam.” In Genesis 2:18, God said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” So what’s a ‘helper’? Someone to do the cooking, ironing and cleaning? Are women created to be some kind of a support system for men, who are the superior gender? The context indicates that the word “helper” refers to an equal counterpart. A better translation that more accurately captures the sense of the original Hebrew is picked up by the New English Bible, which says, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will provide a partner for him.” Adam needed a partner or a ‘helper’. This term, used 21 times in the Old Testament, is not a servant term describing someone ‘helping around the house’. It is a term of strength that in no way implies inferiority or subordination. It is used 2 times about women and 15 times about God.
  • “The woman’s existence comes from the man.” Does the fact that woman was taken from man’s side indicate inferiority? No. Although woman was created from the man, she too was the creation of God. Adam’s exclamation at the sight of Eve shows his recognition that she was an equal partner compatible with him (Genesis 2:23). Adam said to Eve, “You are bone of my bones (internal) and flesh of my flesh (external)”. Adam’s first impression of Eve was oneness. "We’re built the same!" Again, however the argument is futile. Adam was created from the earth so does that make man inferior to the soil? Of course not!

In order to understand what God intended, we need to understand the purpose for which God placed Adam and Eve on the earth. Genesis 1:26-28 says, “… male and female he created them and he said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

God gave both Adam and Eve a reproduction mandate (“be fruitful”) and a dominion mandate (“take dominion … subdue or rule over”). God’s original intention was for the man and the woman to fulfil both of these purposes through a partnership together. He didn’t give the woman the reproduction mandate (‘have kids and stay home’) and the man the dominion mandate (‘go to work and be the leader’). He gave them these mandates in partnership. Both were to be involved in both mandates. He desired that men and women work together in harmony in a partnership of interdependency, taking their rightful place as joint heirs and rulers of creation.

We see this idea of partnership modeled perfectly in the Godhead. The Godhead consists of three distinct personalities who operate in total union and complete partnership. There is unity in diversity, yet equality. The crowning glory of creation was to reflect this ‘unity in diversity’ image of the Godhead. Creation demonstrates partnership and complementary gifts. God created two genders. He did this in order to demonstrate the partnership of the Godhead, which is unity in diversity. God created difference on purpose. He wants us to live in interdependent partnership. Why were male and female created separately? God did this in order to show the vital importance of partnership, team and unity in diversity. Man alone cannot reflect the image of God.

Unfortunately, sin brought division and dominance; a broken, fractured relationship that left partnership behind and established hierarchy. Before sin, man and woman ruled together. After the fall, man would rule over the woman. However, male dominated societies are not part of God’s original society; they are part of the curse. The image of God is “male and female” (Gen.1:27), not male over female.

After sin, Genesis 3:16 tells us that the man would seek to ‘rule’ over the woman and visa versa. The word ‘rule’ means to have or exercise dominion, to reign. Sin brought judgment. Man would be ruled by the earth from where he came and the woman would be ruled by the man from where she came. Tendencies of domination emerged. In Christ, however, God wants to bring us back to his original intention – partnership in life and ministry (Galatians 3:28).

Headship and Submission

"Hold on", I can hear you saying. "Isn't the husband the ‘head’ of the wife and isn’t the wife meant to ‘submit’ to her husband?" Good questions.

Unfortunately, “headship” and “submission” are two of the most abused words in the English language. Confusion surrounds them like a thick cloud. Yes, the apostle Paul refers to the husband as the ‘head’ of his wife (Ephesians 5:22-33) but this headship is a loving servant leadership just like Jesus provides to the church, his bride. It is not an authoritarian dictatorial style of dominance that demands obedience. Christ’s leadership is always loving, selfless, and it even led him to lay his life down for his bride. It is strength displayed in serving with the other person’s best interests in mind.

Yes, wives are to submit to their husbands, but ALL followers of Christ are to 'submit' to one another in love (Ephesians 5:21). Submission means seeing ourselves as 'under' others, lifting them up, and serving them in Christ. It means to defer or yield to the wishes of another. There's no thought in it of one person being superior, better or smarter than another. Submission is simply learning to walk in the steps of Jesus. It's letting God the Father make us like His Son as we submit to Him and to one another with the heart of a servant.

Decision-Making

What about decision-making? There is wisdom in multiple inputs and counsel. Any person who makes all the final decisions just because they see themselves as 'in charge' is foolish. It's the same in marriage.

In all major decisions, Nicole and I discuss things through until we are agreed on the final decision. This is wisdom and the decision made is usually the best one because we’ve gleaned from our different perspectives. In marriage, unity on major decisions is essential. This is participatory decision-making and is a wise practice for anyone, especially leaders.

On smaller matters, we have the person who is most experienced decide. If we’re talking about house décor, then Nicole is the one to decide, not me! If we’re talking about which TV or computer to buy, that's an area where I have the most expertise. 

Is your marriage a partnership? If not, why not? If so, how is your partnership going?

P.S. For some extra thoughts on the role of women, as well as some recommended reading, check out my blog post on Women in Ministry.

Part 4

Love for a Lifetime – Building a Great Marriage (Pt.2)

Wedding Rings A great wedding doesn't make a great marriage. A great marriage is something that is built over time – patiently and intentionally.

I think there are five things that build a great marriage. Let's look at the first today …

1. Friendship

In Genesis 1, the reason God created Eve was to be a friend or a partner for Adam. He was alone and needing relationship with someone compatible to him. When I first met Nicole, the thing that I first thought was that I could enjoy spending the rest of my life with her (at least my life wouldn’t be boring!). We became friends and have built a marriage around our friendship. We are still best friends and we really enjoy being with each other.

Like any friendship, a marriage friendship takes times and effort. It is essential that you keep growing together. Marriage is not a snapshot (a photo). It’s a moving picture (a movie). If one partner outgrows or grows in a different direction than the other, this will cause problems. Suddenly it can feel like the person that you're married to is not the same person you married.

A marriage left to itself will most likely deteriorate. You need to make huge intentional investments in your relationship on a regular basis. This doesn’t just happen. As in all of life, you usually reap what you sow. Like any good friendship, marriage needs regular large doses of genuine love, acceptance, and special times together. However, these are investments well worth making!

If you're married, how is your friendship going? What could you do to make it better this week?

Part 3

Love for a Lifetime – Building a Great Marriage (Pt.1)

Wedding Rings This weekend, Nicole and I celebrate our 22nd wedding anniversary.

Nicole and I met in Rockhampton, Queensland in December 1984. My good friend, Peter Leigh, and I were travelling to Townsville on holidays and stopped by to visit some friends we knew from a small church there. On the weekend, we went four wheel driving with some of the young people, including Nicole. We had lots of fun and a huge mud fight!

Nicole moved to Melbourne a few months later and we began going out the next week. We were engaged 10 months later and married 6 months after that, on June 21st, 1986.

We are very happily married and enjoying our friendship more than ever.

Over the next few days, I'll share a few keys that I think can help to build a great marriage …

Part 2

Comfort

Comfort Have you ever noticed that bad things sometimes happen to good people? It’s one of those contradictions in our world. It doesn’t always make sense.

 

Think about Job, a man who lived back in Bible times. He had a whole bunch of bad stuff happen to him … even though he was a good man who lived a good life. His friends started out by just being a comfort to him, which was good, but then they tried to figure out ‘why’ all of this bad stuff was happening. They thought it might be because Job had done something wrong and they ended up being a source of further pain for Job rather than a comfort.

 

When people go through difficult times, they need our care, our concern, and our comfort. They don’t need our great insights on the complexities of life.

 

Thankfully, God is a God of comfort. He understands our suffering. In fact, he has suffered himself and he is able to help us through our times of difficulty. Let’s partner with God and be a comfort to those around us going through difficult times.

 

Comfort … think about it.

Example

Take a moment to think about the people who have had the greatest positive influence on your life. I’m sure there’s at least one or two you can think of. Then ask yourself what it was about them that caused them to impact you so much. Summarise it in a few words.

 

I’m sure you’ll discover that it was the character of their life that made the biggest impression on you, not so much their talents, their gifts or their abilities. It is things like love, faithfulness, enthusiasm, passion, persistence, and integrity that influence us.

 

This shows us that our greatest influence in life will be who we are (our life) not just what we say or do.

Right now, you are influencing people around you. What kind of influence is it? Is it positive or negative?

 

You are being watched … so think about the example you are giving. Make a decision to live a life worth following. Be an example to others.

 

Example … think about it.

Generosity

Fries If you are a parent, have you ever taken your child to McDonalds, bought them a meal, and then suddenly felt a little hungry yourself? You reach over and ask for a few of their fries and they respond by quickly pulling their fries away from you and saying “No!”

 

How do you feel in that moment?

I start to think … “Do you know where those fries came from? I paid for those fries!”

 

Then I think … “I don’t need your fries anyway. I’ve got enough money to buy all the fries I want!!”

 

And … “I can make sure you never have any fries again as long as you live under my roof!!”

 

Now I THINK those things … I don’t SAY them!

 

I wonder if that’s how God feels sometimes when we’re a little on the stingy side and we don’t adopt a generous attitude towards life and our possessions?

 

After all, he’s the 'fry-maker'! Everything we have comes from him … and he can stop stuff coming … or he can keep it coming. Don't be tight-fisted. Why not choose to be a little more generous today.

 

Generosity … think about it!

Money

Money

Money … everyone wants more of it. Somehow we think it is the answer to all of our problems.

No doubt money has great power … for good or for evil. It all depends on our attitude towards it and how we use it.

One of your goals should be to be financially ‘free’. In other words, to have your needs met and enough to give away. That’s a good definition of ‘prosperity’.

 

A great plan for achieving this is the ’10–10-80 plan’. It goes like this … Every time you receive any form of income give away 10% of it. Donate it to your local church or community organisation. Then take the next 10% and put it away in a savings or investment account. Finally, endeavour to live on the remaining 80%. If you do this consistently over a period of time, you will be financially free.

 

After all, THE key to financial freedom, regardless of what your income level is, is spending less than you earn and then saving the difference. Unfortunately, most people spend everything they earn and even more, going into destructive debt which causes so many problems.

 

Money … think about it!

 

P.S. A few years ago, I shared two messages with our church entitled Your Personal Money Makeover. Here are the message summary files, which we gave to our small group leaders.

 

Your Personal Money Makeover (Pt.1)

Your Personal Money Makeover (Pt.2)

Decisions

Decisions Decisions … we make them every day. Yet, think about how important they really are.

You might have heard the funny story about the successful businessman who was asked by a young man what the key to his success was. After thinking for a moment, the businessman answered, “Good decisions, that’s the key”. The young man then asked, “How do you make good decisions?” After a pause, the businessman said, “Experience, that’s how you make good decisions.” Hesitantly, the young man asked one more question, “How do you get experience?” Once again the businessman paused then answered, “Bad decisions!”

 

Well life is a bit life that – we live and hopefully we learn!

 

But the truth is that who you are and where you are today is largely a result of the decisions you made yesterday. In the same way, who you will be and where you will be tomorrow will largely be a result of the decisions you make today. After all, our decisions, not our conditions, determine our ultimate destiny.

 

What decision do you need to make today? Many problems are just a decision waiting to happen.

 

Decisions … think about it!

God’s Sheep

Each Christian is described as one of God’s 'sheep', who He personally loves and cares for. He delegates this responsibility of care to leaders in the church, or shepherds who represent Him on earth.

Notice Jesus’ last concern as He spoke to Peter before He ascended to heaven. Three times He said to Peter, “Feed my sheep” (John 21:15-17). He wanted Peter, as a prominent leader in the early church, to have the heart of a shepherd and to care for each individual.

Each local church is similar to a sheepfold, where a group of God’s sheep are being cared for and led by one of God’s 'under-shepherds'. Church leaders must recognise that each Christian is ultimately God’s sheep. Leaders are to care for, feed and provide guidance to each person entrusted to them by God.

From time to time, God moves His sheep from fold to fold. Often, it’s through relocation or a job transfer. Other times, it’s because a new phase of growth is needed that requires a new environment. I heard one pastor of a growing church say, “We don’t steal sheep, we just grow grass.” This humorous statement has a lot of truth to it. Sheep that aren’t getting fed or who aren’t being cared for will move on to greener pastures.

Individual Christians that move to another local church need to ensure that they leave with a proper attitude and that they resolve any outstanding issues, if at all possible. Church-hopping is definitely not God’s plan. Moving to a new church needs a lot of prayer and appropriate counsel.

When people leave our local church and join another church, we must continue to love them and treat them as brothers or sisters in Christ.

That They May Be One

God is building His church, and His church is an extension of the kingdom of God in every locality. It is not one particular denomination or nationalistic group. It is His people, out of every nation and cultural background. There are all kinds of different churches to reach all kinds of different people. As the true church of Jesus Christ turns from competitiveness to co-operation, we will see the task of reaching our cities accomplished much more quickly.

A kingdom mentality sees the church in the world as a body comprised of many local churches, all working together for God's purposes. It is a day of partnership and networking, based on relationship, not on the particular label a specific church or ministry may have.

It’s a new day! God is breaking down the walls. He is bringing His body, the church, together as a mighty force in the earth. It will take the whole church, taking the whole gospel to the whole world, to complete the Great Commission. The last prayer of Jesus was that we would all be one as He and the Father are one (John 17:20-21). That is one prayer that will be answered. Let’s work together for its fulfilment in our time!

P.S. The blog posts over this last week have been gleaned from the book Transforming Your Church.

Discern, Don’t Judge

It’s amazing and saddening to see the amount of literature that has been produced in recent decades by Christians that is aimed at judging other churches or ministries and even going to the extreme of labelling them “demonic” or “of the devil.”


Yes, it is important to “contend for the faith once delivered to the saints” (Jude 3) and stand for truth. However, we must focus on the fundamentals of Scripture and the essential doctrines of the Christian faith, not on minor controversial issues. We should also do everything in the spirit of Christ, which requires a loving and sensitive approach when speaking about other Christian ministries.


The Bible does tell us to test all things and to hold on to the good and let the bad go (1 Thessalonians  5:21-22). 1 John 4:1-3 also tells us to test the spirits and to not believe everything we hear. We should test churches and ministries by what they say about Jesus – who He is and what he has done. We should, however, place final judgement on nothing before its time (1 Corinthians 4:5. James 4:10-12). God is the true judge, and each person will stand before Him (not us) and give account for all they have done.



Christian love requires us to avoid a critical attitude that is quick to pull down and point out flaws in other people and their ministries (Matthew 7:1-5). Instead of judging, Jesus tells us to examine the fruit or results of a person or ministry.

Derek Prince recommends five key things that we should look for when discerning whether any church, ministry or so-called “move of God” is genuine or not (from his booklet Uproar in the Church published by Derek Prince Ministries). Here they are:

  1. The fruit of repentance. Are people turning from sin to God?
  2. Respect for the Scriptures. Is God’s Word being respected, valued and taught?
  3. Exaltation of Jesus. Is Jesus being lifted up and magnified?
  4. Love for other Christians. Is there a growing love for other believers?
  5. Loving concern for the unreached. Is there a focus on reaching people for Christ?

A tree is known by its fruit. We may not always recognise or understand how the Spirit moves, but we can know the evidence of the Spirit’s work. Is the fruit something that looks like the Holy Spirit?

Derek Prince goes on to say, “If a significant number of Christians in the current move (or church or ministry) successfully passes all, or most, of the five tests, then it is safe to conclude that this is, essentially, a move of God. However, this does not mean that everyone or everything in it is faultless. God has no faultless people to work with, but it is amazing what He can do with those totally surrendered to Him, though weak and fallible.” (Please also note that the devil does not want these five things to happen!)

We see this gracious attitude portrayed so beautifully in the advice that Gamaliel gave to the Pharisees when they were considering persecuting the early church. In Acts 5:33-39, he tells them that, if this ministry is not of God, it will die down and come to nothing. However, if it is of God, they should leave it alone lest they be seen as fighting against God.

We would be wise to take his advice today as we observe other ministries and churches.



Love, Don’t Hate

God has commanded us to love other Christians who also love Jesus!

We have been called to bless, not curse. We are to pray for God’s blessing on other churches and ministries. We are to rejoice when they grow and sorrow when they struggle.

One of my friends in ministry, Peter McHugh, who pastors a large church in our city, says, “If the church across town is growing then my church is growing.” What a wonderful attitude to adopt. We are working together for the benefit of God’s kingdom. We are not in opposition or competition with each other.

God is actually angry when we fight and hurt each other. When my two boys fight, my first concern is not to determine who was right or wrong, but that they stop fighting. Yes, the issues are important and they need to be sorted out, but my major goal is to stop them fighting and see them loving and respecting each other as brothers. I believe this is the Father’s heart as He looks at the church today. I hear Him saying, “Stop fighting, you’re brothers and sisters in Christ!”

Jesus said, “By this will all people know you are my disciples … by your love for one another” (John 13:35). God’s will is that we come to the “unity of the Spirit” (Ephesians 4:3) and eventually to a “unity of the faith” (Ephesians 4:13).