Mark Conner Leadership, Spirituality, Theology

Jesus

I wrote this in my journal 7 years ago …

Thinking about Jesus today …

He had no role within any organisation or religious system.

Yes, at times he worked ‘within’ the religious system (speaking in the synagogues, for instance) but he was not employed by it or accountable to it.

He also moved ‘outside’ of it much of the time, in a more organic and relational manner … mostly with people who did not have institutional power.

Of course, he did not avoid or ignore people of position or authority, but rather he sought to influence them with a new paradigm of thinking and a new way of doing life.

He had a standard education for any young Jewish boy but did no training within the halls of theological power.

He focused a lot of time on preparation and did so in solitude, away from the limelight or the spotlight.

Even when his ministry started he often avoided the crowds where possible and spent a lot of time alone.

He loved the crowds but wasn’t interested in building a crowd, an organisation or an institution. He focused on developing and investing in a handful of nondescript people who he thought had future potential (12 disciples primarily, with also a broader group of 70 people).

Jesus was far more interested in the irreligious than the religious people of his day, in sinners rather and saints. He spent the majority of his time with them and really didn’t enjoy the pedantic debates of the holy huddle brigade.

He spent far more time eating meals and attending parties with ordinary people than sitting in long meetings.

He was content being small, isolated and seemingly insignificant in the eyes of the wider world. He didn’t seek fame, power or popularity. In many ways, he was a reluctant leader.

Yet, his life has had a greater and longer lasting impact than anyone else who has ever lived.

I wonder why I hadn’t seen this earlier?

Mark Conner Leadership, Personal Development, Poetry, Relationships

The Home Crowd

There is an interesting story in the Gospel of Luke about Jesus and his home town crowd – Nazareth. Jesus grew up here. Everyone knew him as ‘Joseph’s son’. After reading the Scripture in the synagogue one Sabbath, people were surprised by how well Jesus spoke. But before you knew it, they were angry with him and drove him out of town. Some even wanted him dead. Ah, the home crowd!

What and who is your home crowd? What is your relationship with them? Do they applaud you or control you? Are you living for their approval or for the audience of one?

Here is a poem I wrote recently about the home crowd based on this story about Jesus.

Ah, the home crowd
Once a kid always a kid
Never let you grow up
The carpenter’s son
A prophet without honour

Familiarity 
Ordinariness 
Just another day
Nothing ever changes
Everything’s still the same 

Missing God
Right in front of you
Not just another day
Something new breaking out
Can you see it?

Time to slip away
Leave the crowd behind
They just don’t get it
Some never will
On your way, Son

Internal security
From another place
Got your approval
No need for applause 
All is grace 

Find open hearts
Ignore closed minds
Leave the angry ones
Can’t help everyone
Go to the hungry and thirsty

[Based on Luke 4:16-30]
Mark Conner Church, Leadership

My Top Ten Fund-Raising Tips

Are you passionate about a particular cause? Do you want to make a difference in the world? Then you could use some money. It’s commendable to have a vision for a better future but without provision not a lot happens. But asking for money is not for the faint-hearted. It’s never an easy exercise.

Over the years I have helped to raise a lot of money. Millions of dollars to be exact. Money for local community work, buildings and facilities, and overseas aid. The more money you raise the greater the potential impact can be.

My Top Ten Fund-Raising Tips

1. Have a compelling cause. People need an inspiring vision to give towards. They need to know why they should give and what outcome their generosity will achieve. Without a sense of urgency about the need, it will be difficult to motivate people to give. Engage all the key influencers in creating and agreeing to this cause. Work to create as much ownership as you can. That way you will have solid base of support before you even start.

Of course, it is vital that you believe in the project you are presenting to other people. You need to know deep inside that it is worthwhile and that it will make a difference in the lives of people. In fact, you need to believe in it enough to invest your own personal resources into it. Lead by example in your own generous giving.

A project name or tagline can be helpful. We called the first building project I led “Building Our Future”. It was all about making more space for each ministry of the church. This included expanding the auditorium, the foyer, the children’s rooms and the cafe. A later project we called “The Story Building Project.” Buildings don’t change peoples lives but what happens in them can and does. We were making room for more stories of transformation to take place. Another fundraiser we conducted had the stated purpose of starting one hundred new churches overseas. Be creative in how you present your fundraising project. Make sure it comes across as inspiring as possible.  

2. Choose an achievable financial target. Make it a stretch goal but not an unattainable goal one that will only discourage people. Most churches or organisations can raise an amount equal to one to two times their annual income over a one to two year period. It is better to under-project and then over-perform. Don’t set the bar too high only to have everyone feel like they failed in their fundraising efforts.

3. Break the financial target down into achievable steps. Create bite size chunks so that each person can see how they can make a helpful contribution. For instance, a million dollars can seem like an insurmountable amount of money. I can feel beyond reach in the average person’s mind. Yet, if 500 people gave $19.24 a week for two years, then you would raise over a million dollars. Some may not be able to give this much while others could give much more. This sort of breakdown makes it doable. It is amazing what a group of people can do together when they rally around a common goal.

4. Teach people how to give. Present creative ideas for where the funds could come from. For instance, people can give of what they already have set aside in savings. Or they can earn more money and give from the profits. I know of a single mother who rented out a bedroom. A teenager mowed lawns to raise money to give towards a worthwhile cause.

People could sell some of their assets. I know of a person who sold a block of land and gave the proceeds to a worthy cause. Fundraising provides an opportunity for people to consider sharing what they have with others. People can have a garage sale or put some unwanted items up for sale online. I know a pastor who sold his boat and gave the proceeds to his church’s building fund. Another idea is to go without something. By reducing expenses, a person can then give some or all those funds

5. Share stories along the way. Stories inspire people. Celebrate the wins. We don’t give to get but often when people do give, God blesses their lives. Share these stories as encouragement for people to keep giving in faith.

6. Keep reinforcing the vision. Don’t over-vision people. But make sure they hear the why behind what you are doing enough to keep the momentum going. After the initial launch of the project, it is easy to become caught up in the details of the project. Keep helping people focus on the long-term results the project will achieve.

7. Keep people informed with the progress made. Accurate and up-to-date information is important. Inform people of the progress made during the fundraising journey. 

8. Make adjustments along the way. We make our plans but rarely does everything go exactly to plan. Observe the process. Listen to people’s thoughts and feelings, then make any needed adjustments. That might be to the process itself, the strategy you are using or even the end target.

9. Right-size your expectations. It is good to have faith and optimism. But we need to partner these important qualities with wisdom and reality thinking. Aim for the best you can but work with what you have. Placing your expectations too high sets you and others up for disappointment. 

10. Celebrate what you acheive and give thanks to everyone involved. Small wins and achievements matter. Every dollar counts and makes a difference. Be grateful for every person who gives and every amount of money that comes in. That’s good news, whatever way you look at it.

I’ve read books about fund-raising. I’ve attending training sessions on how to increase giving. I’ve talked to successful fund-raisers about their experience. In the end, you learn most by doing. Go ahead and ask for money for the cause you are passionate about. Some people will say ‘no’. But others will say ‘yes’. Your invitation provides them an opportunity to do something meaningful with their resources.

All the best with your fund-raising!

These tips are from one section in an appendix on the subject of fund-raising in my recently released book Money Talks: Finding Financial Freedom. You can purchase this book now from WORD in Australia or from Amazon.com.au in eBook format (or visit the USA Amazon site).

Last week I participated in a webinar with Steven Fogg from Generous on the subject of “How to Create a Culture of Generous Givers in Your Church”. If you missed it, you can watch it online now. I am sure you will find it helpful, esepcially if you are a minister or church leader.

Mark Conner Leadership, Personal Development

Learning to Retreat

A few years ago, TIME magazine published an article stating that distraction was the pre-eminent condition of our time. Not only are we busy, we are pulled in multiple directions constantly by distractions of all kinds. The antidote? Mindfulness.

Mindfulness is about taking time to be still, to reflect, to meditate, to contemplate, to be quiet, and to think. Mindfulness is being encouraged by experts in the fields of sport, medicine, health and well being, and religion.

For people of faith, it is interesting to note that meditation has roots that go way back to Isaac.

Genesis 24:63. One evening as Isaac was walking and meditating in the fields, he looked up and saw the camels coming … NLT

I am sure Isaac had plenty to do. He inherited great wealth from his father Abraham in the form of livestock and he had a large household to manage. Yet, he took time to get out of the house simply to meditate.

Jesus did the same.

Matthew 14:23. After Jesus dismissed the crowd, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone.

By retreating regularly, Jesus was able to replenish himself from the demands of his work in helping people and to gain perspective for his life.

It is so easy to be driven by the clock, which is all about speed, and fail to look at the compass, which is about the direction we are going in.

Here are some retreat ideas:

  1. Begin each day with a few moments of stillness in order to prepare yourself for what is ahead.
  2. End each day with some time of reflection. Ask yourself some key questions. What went well? What didn’t? What did you learn? What energised you? What drained you? How could tomorrow be different?
  3. Make an appointment with yourself at the beginning of each week to have a Weekly Review. Take time to reflect on the previous week and prepare for the coming week.
  4. Take a half or full day each month to retreat.
  5. Have a quarterly review time (every 90 days).
  6. Take time to have an annual review. After all, experience isn’t the best teacher. Only experience that is reflected on becomes insight for positive change.

Let’s face it – retreating is not easy, especially for activistic types like myself. It’s a little like stopping to fill your car up with petrol on a long trip. While you do so, all of those trucks, caravans, and slow drivers that you have been meticulously passing are now passing you! How annoying. Yet if you don’t stop, you won’t make the distance.

Is it time for you to retreat?

P.S. This habit is one of five habits I share in my recently published book How to Avoid Burnout: Five Habits for Healthy Living. Why not pick up a copy today.

P.S.S. To listen to a recent message summarising these five habits, check out the Discovery Church podcast of my message given there on Sunday morning 4th February.

Mark Conner Leadership, Personal Development

Bridging the Knowing-Doing Gap

DoI love learning new things. In fact, I can become obsessive with new ideas, leading to me becoming the 'expert' in my family about everything and anything. Yes, I'm a maven for new information.
 
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve loved books. In fact, when my parents visited friend’s house, after dinner I’d love to sit by their bookshelf and browse through the encyclopedias, reading on a wide range of topics and subjects. [Hint: looking back into your childhood can tell you a lot about your gifts and passions!]
 
As I’ve grown older I’ve come to realise that knowledge is important but it doesn’t change the world. Action does. It’s great to gain information but unless it is used and put into practice, it accomplishes little.
 
C.S. Lewis once said, “People need to be reminded more than they need to be instructed.” Think about that. Our greatest need isn’t to learn new things but to be reminded to do what we already know.
 
In their best-selling business book, The Knowing-Doing Gap: How Smart Companies Turn Knowledge into Action, authors Jeffrey Pfeffer and Robert Sutton note how many organisations do a lot of talking but often fail to put much of it into action. Plans, analysis, meetings, and presentations can become subtle substitutes for action. Companies may spend thousands of dollars on staff training yet very little of the experience and insight translates in any tangible, lasting change.
 
John Maxwell says, “Most Christians are educated beyond the level of their obedience.” Ouch! We already know so many things but we struggle embedding them as habits and rituals in our daily lives. That’s where the rubber hits the road, as they say. 
 
Jesus’ brother James understood this too. Almost 2,000 years ago he wrote a letter to people just like you and me living in the first century. This is what he said:
 
James 1:22-25. But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it. NLT
 
Eugene Peterson translates it this way in The Message Bible: 
 
James 1:22-25. Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don't act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like. But whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God—the free life!—even out of the corner of his eye, and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will find delight and affirmation in the action. MB
 
So how do we bridge this ‘knowing-doing gap’? How do we make sure we are applying what we are learning? Only by intentionally choosing to put into practice what we know. Don’t deceive yourself by pursuing continual learning but without applying what you already know.
 
Here are 7 questions to help you bridge the knowing-doing gap:
  1. "What have I heard and/or learnt in the last few months that needs putting into practice?"
  2. "What new habit or ritual do I need to start … today? "
  3. "Where have I drifted that requires me to get back on track?"
  4. "What fear is holding me back?"
  5. "What problem/issue am I facing that is simply a decision waiting to happen?" Remember, what we tolerate never changes! Tap into the power of desperation by refusing to tolerate the unacceptable.
  6. "What discussion have I been a part of that now needs implementing?"
  7. "What reminder could I benefit from reading every day?" Write it on a 'post it' note and put it on your bathroom mirror or make it your computer background image (I have my yearly goals as slides rotating as my computer screen-saver so I see them every day).

Then as Nike says … “Just Do It!”

That’s where authentic change and transformation takes place. 

Mark Conner Church, Leadership, Personal, Personal Development

My Experience with Burnout

B

My first encounter with burnout was back in 2002. I experienced what I would call an ‘emotional valley’ that lasted for about 6 months. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me but it took everything within me just to make it through the next meeting, the next appointment or the next project. My mood was higher when something was done, rather than when I was leading up to it or during the event or experience. I felt overwhelmed a lot of the time and didn’t have the energy to think much beyond what was right in front of me. It was subtle but very debilitating. 

I grappled with whether this was a mid-life crisis. After all, I had recently turned 40 years of age. Or was it some kind of spiritual attack from the enemy that I simply needed to withstand? Or maybe it was some sort of wilderness experience where God was trying to test my faith or develop my character further? I really wasn’t sure. Everything in my life on the outside was going well – health, family, friendships and ministry – but something was clearly wrong. With the help of a personal coach, I came to realise that I had been living at an unsustainable pace. I would go on a mission trip with a team to India for two weeks, come back on a Friday then preach at my church five times on the weekend then head to the USA on the Monday. As a result, my emotions were simply shutting down, refusing to live at this breakneck speed. They only seemed to provide me with enough energy for what was directly in front of me, and only just. I had nothing left over in reserve nor could I get excited about anything much beyond today. 

It took time to come out of this valley. There was no instant fix or snapping out of this. I had to slow down, take more time off, rest more and lower the high expectations I had on myself when it came to productivity. I shared openly with my family, friends and close team members at work about what was going on. They were are huge support to me during this time. 

I now recognise the indicators when I am nearing this valley again. Similar to when you go slightly over the edge of a road when driving a car, I can feel the danger signs. I have learned to pay attention to these signals and to make adjustments so I don’t go there again. As I mentioned before, one of the key indicators for me is when I am not looking forward to something nor am I enjoying the moment I am engaging in a particular activity. If my highest positive emotion is when I am done with a task, meeting or event, then I am in a vulnerable place. I have also benefited greatly from having an external mentor like Keith Farmer in the years following this experience. He was able to assist me in continually monitoring the state of my emotional tank. 

During 2015-2016, I had another experience with burnout. It was different this time and I wasn’t fully aware of it. Looking back, I see that it was more the result of the cumulative wear and tear of being on church staff for 32 years and of being a senior pastor for 22 of those years. The church I led had grown quite significantly (from about 1,500 people to around 10,000) resulting in a much larger workload, greater complexity, and a large organisation to be responsible for. In addition, at this time the growth of the church had slowed somewhat and, for various reasons, my wife, Nicole, was no longer as involved as she was in the earlier years. I missed her participation very much. My hope for the future, my drive and my motivation levels were at an all-time low. In retrospect, I can see that I was no longer enjoying my job. In fact, during my processing time, Nicole asked me an insightful question: “If you didn’t have your current job would you apply for it?” I had to admit that I wouldn’t. 

This provided the context for me eventually deciding it was time for a change – something that I believed would benefit me, my family and the church too. I officially resigned in February 2016, then a year later in February 2017 I finished up in my role as senior pastor, passed the baton to a new leader, and began a new season of life and ministry. After taking a few months off, I started engaging in some energising activities which perfectly fit my gifting and experience but without the degree of burden, pressure, and responsibility I had been carrying for so long. As a result, just one year later I am experiencing new amounts of joy, peace, and well-being in my life. I feel totally different. I feel so much better. I am enjoying each day and the activities and meetings I am involved in to a much greater degree. I have extra emotional reserves to sustain me. I am so glad I made the change. 

Christian psychologist Arch Hart notes that there is a difference between burnout, stress, and depression. Burnout is more emotional while stress is more physical in its symptoms. Burnout often includes a sense of helplessness or hopelessness, a loss of motivation and drive, and a lethargy.

Are you experiencing any degree of burnout? If you are, I strongly encourage you to give attention to your inner world. Talk to an experienced counsellor, get some help and be courageous enough to make some tough decisions, if necessary. You will be so glad you did. 

Let me finish with these amazingly freeing words from Jesus: 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.”

Matthew 11:28-30. The Message Bible. 

Here is some additional recommended reading:

Mark Conner Leadership, Relationships

The Art of Coaching (Part 3)

Coaching

Graham Alexander developed a simple but effective model (or mental map) for sequencing good questions. It is called The GROW model and it was first published by John Whitmore.

The Grow Model

Coaching-graphic

  • GOAL – “What do you want? What are you trying to achieve?”
  • REALITY – “What is happening? What action have you taken so far and what were the effects?”
  • OPTIONS – “What could you do? What are the alternatives?” Seek possibilities, not one solution.
  • WILL – “What will you do? When will you do it? What obstacles will there be? How can I help?”

This requires active listening so as to gain clarity on the issues. The coaching cycle is ongoing and includes celebrating progress and ‘wins’ along the way. Encourage small steps towards a person’s goal.

This coaching model is very powerful and can be used informally in any conversation, including with family members, friends and even with ourselves as we reflect on our own lives. The power is in the questions. They help to raise awareness and then build responsibility, both of which are the key to life change and significant achievement.

Conclusion

Through effective coaching, we can help to develop the potential of the people around us, achieve our goals, and enjoy the journey together. You can be a coach! Try it today and reap the rewards of helping others reach their goals and their potential. 

Mark Conner Leadership, Relationships

The Art of Coaching (Part 2)

Coaching

The coaching process involves two aspects: (1) raising awareness and (2) building responsibility.

Creating awareness is all about helping the individual see themselves ("self-awareness") and their situation (what is happening around them) accurately. People can only deal with what they are aware of. Without awareness, no true change or progress can be made.

John Whitmore says that “a coach is not a problem solver, a teacher, an advisor, an instructor or even an expert; he or she is a sounding board, a facilitator, a counsellor, an awareness raiser.”

Building responsibility is the next step. Until an individual accepts and takes responsibility for themselves and their situation, no change will occur. Telling someone to be responsible for something doesn't make them feel responsible for it. People have to choose to be responsible.

The Power of Questions

Good questions are the best tool for raising awareness and building responsibility because asking is more effective than telling.

Bob Logan says, “Good coaching isn’t the art of giving good answers; it is the art of asking good questions.” 

Questions are a powerful way to develop people.

Even the Bible highlights the impact of questions. God himself often asked questions when in conversation with people (see Genesis 3:8-9). Jesus, although he had so much to say, often used questions when talking with people (see John 1:35-38). Precision questions go straight to the heart. Jesus used questions not because he needed an answer but in order to bring a person to a new level of understanding.

Questions help build relationships, are a key to creativity and problem-solving, enhance education and learning, and are an aid to personal growth. After all, experience is not the best teacher; only reflection on experience turns experience into insight.

Today, why not shift from a 'telling' approach in your relationships and try more of a 'question-orientated' approach, followed by attentive listening. You will notice a remarkable change in your relationships and your effectiveness in helping others grow and achieve their goals.

Tomorrow (in part 3): A Model for Coaching.

Mark Conner Leadership, Relationships

The Art of Coaching (Part 1)

Coaching

In many ways, all of us are leaders. We influence others – family, friends, neighbours and school or work associates. It may be formally or informally, but it happens. We get to choose whether that influence is positive or negative, helpful or unhelpful. 

Leaders engage in a number of activities when interacting with other people, including communication, planning, problem-solving, directing, training, assisting, mentoring or coaching. People, including ourselves, rarely achieve their potential without the help and input of other people. 

Today let's talk about coaching. 

In his excellent book Coaching for Performance, John Whitmore defines coaching as: “unlocking a person’s potential to maximise their own performance. It is helping them to learn rather than teaching them.” Good coaches think in terms of a person’s future potential, not just their past or current performance.

Through a business fable entitled The Coaching Conversation, Brian Souza identifies four types of managers:

  1. The Nice-Guy Manager,
  2. The Do-it-all-Manager
  3. The Micro-Manager.
  4. The Coach.

He suggests the following three steps:

  1. Change your approach – stop acting like a manager and start acting like a coach. Change your mindset to focus on other people's success, not just your own.
  2. Create an environment that is conducive to coaching. A relationship built on trust and good rapport is a vital part of this. 
  3. Transform the conversation into a weekly constructive coaching conversation. It's take more than an annual review to bring out the best in people!

He goes on to say:

  • As a coach the more you give, the more you’ll get. The more you care, the more your team will contribute.
  • Great coaches consistently get the most out of their people because they consistently put the most into their people.
  • As a coach, the only way you can achieve your potential is to first help your team members achieve theirs.
  • Coaching is not merely something that you, as a manager, must do. A coach is someone that you, as a leader, must become.
  • When all is said and done and we’ve completed this journey we call life, what will matter most is not what we have achieved, but rather who we have become.

Here are a few reflection questions around the theme of coaching:

  1. Who has had the most positive influence on your life to date? What was it about them and their approach toward you that helped you the most?
  2. Have you ever thought of yourself as a 'coach'?
  3. Who around you could benefit from more of your interest in their life?
  4. What are some of the potential joys of coaching?
  5. What are some of the potential challenges?

In many ways, coaching is an art form. It is something that we can develop and learn to do better. 

Tomorrow (in part 2) we will look more closely at the actual coaching process. 

Mark Conner Books, Church, Leadership

Pass the Baton: Successful Leadership Transition

Screenshot.jpgCityLife Church, located in Melbourne Australia, had three Senior Ministers in the first 50 years of it's history. Richard Holland was the founding pastor and led the church for 20 years, followed by my father, Kevin Conner, who led the church for the next 8 years. I was the Senior Minister for the next 22 years before passing the baton in February of this year to Andrew Hill. [Read my announcement on 28th February 2016]

Like any relay race, passing the baton effectively is vital for any organisation, including a local church. I wrote about this a few years ago, in response to many people wanting to know what lessons we had learned from our leadership successions at CityLife. The book is called Pass the Baton: Principles of Successful Leadership Transition.

  • You can purchase a paperback copy from WORD books or from Amazon in the USA and a few other countries. 
  • An eBook edition is also available via Kindle at Amazon.

This book outlines the story of the two successful senior leadership transitions that have taken place at CityLife Church – from Richard Holland to Kevin Conner and from my dad  to myself. Also included are many practical principles for any leadership transition – in a church, a ministry, an organisation or a business. We have had very good feedback from many churches and leaders who have used the lessons from our journey to help them in their own transitions.

I pray that this book continues to be a help and a blessing to many churches and ministries in Australia and around the world. The revised edition has a number of edits and updates, including the fact that our founding pastor, Richard Holland went home to be with the Lord in 2008.

Recommendation for Mark's previous book Transforming Your Church:

  • "Mark Conner is one of the finest leaders I know. He is that rare combination of a bright mind and a fully yielded heart. His observations concerning the shifts that must take place in order for a church to reach its redemptive potential are profound. And Mark’s insights are far more than theory. One visit to his church is all it will take to turn cynics into believers. The Church for the 21st Century will require a higher level of leadership than any other era in human history. Books like this one will contribute a great deal to the development of such leadership. I am deeply grateful to Mark for his friendship and the impact that he is having on churches and leaders in Australia, and increasingly all over the world." Bill Hybels [Senior Pastor, Willow Creek Community Church]
Mark Conner Leadership, Personal

My Farewell Address: The Meaning of Life

What does one say in a farewell address?

In biblical times, we have a record of parting words from people such as Jacob (Genesis 49:1-33), Joseph (Genesis 50:24-26), Moses (Deuteronomy 31:1 – 32:47), Joshua (Joshua 24:22-28), David (1Chronicles 29:10-20), Jesus (Matthew 28:18-20 and John 13-17) and Paul (Acts 20:18-25).

In modern times, we can consider the farewell speeches of kings, presidents and prime ministers, as well as sports personalities, actors and entertainers. Whether it’s Michael Scott saying ‘goodbye’ on the TV series The Office, Truman exiting The Truman Show (“In case I don’t see you, good afternoon, good evening and good night!”) or Bilbo Baggins’s speech in Lord of the Rings at his 111th birthday party (“I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve!”), we all seek to say something meaningful in significant moments such as this.

I am 55 years of age and I see and feel things very differently than when I was younger. Life goes way too fast, kids grow up far too quickly, and as a result you start to ask questions about what it all means and what really matters.

People have grappled with the question of the meaning of life since time began – whether it be Solomon, the ancient philosophers, or Victor Frankl and his associates in a Nazi concentration camp during the Holocaust wondering what they would live for … if they survived.

For me, there are three pursuits worth giving my life for:

1. Love God.

CSEach human being is born with longings and cravings for something or Someone beyond themsevles – for transcendence. C.S. Lewis once said,  “If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”

God is personal and if we seek him with all our heart we will find him. I first heard God speaking to me when I was 19 years of age as I meditated on the story of a young boy named Samuel in 1 Samuel chapter 3 of the Old Testament. It’s one thing to know about God or even to study God but it is another thing to have a relationship with him. Some people find God within the walls of a church. Others find him outside of the halls of religion. After all, the whole world is a Temple where God dwells. We are each invited into the life of God who is Trinity – Father, Son and Spirit. Some days God is silent …. but God is always there.

Jesus himself said that the most important commandment was to ” love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind” (Matthew 22:37-38).

2. Love People.

Jesus went on to say, “A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments” (Matthew 22:39-40). Jesus summarised over 600 Jewish laws into two simple practices: love God and love people.

Elsewhere, Jesus gave us some good advice as to how to truly love people:

“Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.” Matthew 7:12. NLT

We call it the Golden Rule: think about how you want to be treated, then grab the initiative and treat people that way, especially those who are different than you. If you are white, what would it like to be black? If you are straight, what would it be like to be gay? If you are an Australian citizen, what would it be like to be a refugee? If you are a Christian, what would it be like for a Muslim or a Hindu to move into the neighborhood? If you are healthy, what would life be like in a wheel chair?

Sadly, in many parts of our world, Christianity has degenerated into primarily a ‘system of beliefs’ rather than a ‘way of life’ characterised by love. Jesus did not say, “The world will know that you are my disciples by your statement of faith”. In fact, the Bible isn’t a theology book… it is a grand redemptive narrative – a love story of God at work in our world throughout history. People write theology – some of it is good and some of it isn’t (because it doesn’t reflect God accurately). Even our creeds are inadequate. The famous Apostle’s Creed, often used as the marker of orthodox Christianity, doesn’t even mention love or justice, two topics Jesus constantly talked about. It also has no reference to mission, something Jesus was passioante about in his farewell address (Matthew 28:18-20)!

So let’s hold our beliefs, statements of faith, and creeds lightly. Don’t be too quick to push people away who see or believe differently. Try saying something like, “Help me understand.” But let’s hold love very firmly. It is the mark of a true follower of Jesus.

3. Serve the World.

BoothIt is said that the Founder of The Salvation Army, General William Booth, once sent a telegram to officers around the world to remind them of the main focus of their work. The telegram contained only one word – “others.” That single word captured the foundation for the entire organisation.

In the same way, God desires each one of us to discover, develop and deploy our gifts and talents for the benefit of others. The apostle Peter put it this way:

1 Peter 4:10. God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. NLT

Life is not about YOU. Don’t end your life only to look back and find it was a SELFIE video!

When we look at all of the problems in the world today, it is easy to ask why God doesn’t do something. But the prophet Isaiah tells us that God is actually waiting for us to act!

Isaiah 59:16. “God was amazed to see that no one intervened to help the oppressed.” NLT

As they say in chess, “It’s your move!”

Chess

P.S. Visit more media links regarding Mark’s transition.

See also Time to Say Goodbye

P.S.S. To be notified by email about any new BLOG posts, simply sign up in the upper right hand side of this BLOG page.

Mark Conner Church, Leadership

The Stresses of Church Work

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I would never suggest that pastors and church leaders work harder than other people … but church work has its unique challenges and pressures.

Here are five of them:

1. Ministry work is never done. It is open ended. There is never full closure. There is always more to do. It just keeps coming at you – day after day, week after week. There are no finish lines. Finish one counselling appointment and there's another one coming. Get through last weekend and there's another one coming. Preach that sermon and you'll need to start preparing the next one – and it needs to be even better (the continual pressure of forced creativity). Today a baby is born. Such joy. Tomorrow, a church member dies, a tense conflict erupts, or a married couple files for divorce. Such sadness and pain. It's an emotional rollercoaster. And it just keep going. Ministry is relentless. Listen to talk-back radio on Friday afternoons and everyone is saying, "Thank God it's Friday!" Listen to pastors and they're probably thinking, "My God, it's Friday!"

2. There are no boundaries. Ministry and church work will fill as much of your life as you allow it too. Most people have a job, a family and a church community they are a part of. There is usually appropriate segmentation between those spheres. Have a problem with someone at work? At least you can head home or to church and put it behind you for a little while. Have a problem at home? At least you can go to work and get it off your mind for a bit. Pastors don't have that privilege. Work is church is family. One big circle. If something isn't going well, it fills all your world.

3. Not everyone likes you and your family. This is really hard to understand – because us pastors  are such nice people! But it is a reality of life. Criticism will continually come and often from people who really don't even know you. 

4. You can never please everyone all of the time. At any given moment in time, someone is not happy with the way things are. There isn't enough worship, Bible teaching, evangelism, prayer, social justice, mission, or whatever. The sermons are too shallow or too deep, too funny or too serious, too long or too short. The music is too loud or too soft. The lights are too bright or the room is too dark. It goes on and on and on.

5. Much of your life is in the fish bowl. Everyone is watching you and your family … all of the time. I can never forget going to a men's public toilet on my day off while Nicole was shopping. I was standing at the urinal doing what men do, when someone leant over and said,"Excuse me, are you Mark Conner?" They had heard of me and obviously wanted to chat. Can't even pee in peace!

All of this adds up to quite a lot of stress. No wonder there are 13,000 ex-pastors in Australia today and surveys reveal that 50% of those still in church work are emotionally depleted, depressed or clinically burnt out. It's not easy work.

That's why pastors need our support, encouragement, and prayers.

Of course, it is possible to not only survive the pressures of church work but to actually thrive as a pastor or church leader. How? Only through healthy habits. 

Mark Conner Leadership

The Art of Coaching

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The role of a leader includes many tasks, including vision-casting, planning, directing, building teams, communication, training, problem solving and coaching people.

The primary means of leadership development in the Bible is through mentoring and coaching. Think of Jethro and Moses, Moses and Joshua, Samuel and Saul then David, Elijah and Elisha, Jesus and his disciples, and Barnabas and Saul. The apostle Paul once wrote, “Jesus is the one we proclaim, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone fully mature in Christ. To this end I strenuously contend with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me (Colossians 1:28-29).” Our goal should be the same – to help the people on our team become fully mature in Christ – reaching their God-given potential. People rarely do that without input from others – friends, team members, teachers, mentors, and coaches.

John Whitmore, in his book Coaching for Performance, defines coaching as “unlocking a person’s potential to maximise their own performance. It is helping them to learn rather than teaching them.” In their book TransforMissional Coaching, authors Steve Ogne and Tim Roehl define coaching in the Christian context as: “helping people develop their God-given potential so that they grow personally and make a valuable contribution to the kingdom of God.” Good coaches think in terms of a person’s future potential, not just their past or current performance.

In the excellent book, The Coaching Conversation, Brian Souza uses a fable story to reveal the four types of managers: the Nice-Guy Manager, the Do-it-all-Manager, the Micro-Manager, and the Coach. Through the narrative of the story, he suggests the following three steps:

  1. Change your approach – stop acting like a manager and start acting like a coach.
  2. Create an environment that is conducive to coaching.
  3. Transform the conversation into a weekly constructive coaching conversation.

He goes on to say:

  • As a coach the more you give, the more you’ll get. The more you care, the more your team will contribute.
  • Great coaches consistently get the most out of their people because they consistently put the most into their people.
  • As a coach, the only way you can achieve your potential is to first help your team members achieve theirs.
  • Coaching is not merely something that you, as a manager, must do. A coach is someone that you, as a leader, must become.
  • When all is said and done and we’ve completed this journey we call life, what will matter most is not what we have achieved, but rather who we have become.

The Coaching Process

Through the process of coaching, we are seeking to do two primary things:

  1. Raise awareness.
  2. Build responsibility.

Creating awareness is all about helping the individual see themselves (self-awareness) and their situation (what is happening around them) accurately. People can only deal with what they are aware of. Without awareness, no true change or progress can be made. John Whitmore says that “a coach is not a problem solver, a teacher, an advisor, an instructor or even an expert; he or she is a sounding board, a facilitator, a counsellor, an awareness raiser.”

Building responsibility is the next step. Until an individual accepts and takes responsibility for themselves and their situation, no change will occur. Telling someone to be responsible for something doesn't make them feel responsible for it. People have to choose to be responsible.  

The Power of Questions

Good questions are the best tool for raising awareness and building responsibility because asking is more effective than telling. Bob Logan says, “Good coaching isn’t the art of giving good answers; it is the art of asking good questions.”

Questions are a powerful way to develop people. Even the Bible highlights the impact of questions. God himself often asked questions when in conversation with people (see Genesis 3:8-9). Jesus, although he had so much to say, often used questions when talking with people (see John 1:35-38). Precision questions go straight to the heart. Jesus used questions not because he needed an answer but in order to bring a person to a new level of understanding. Questions help build relationships, are a key to creativity and problem-solving, enhance education and learning, and are an aid to personal growth. After all, experience is not the best teacher; only reflection on experience turns experience into insight.

The GROW Model

John Whitmore has developed a simple but effective model (or mental map) for sequencing good questions. It is called The GROW model.

GOAL – “What do you want? What are you trying to achieve?”

REALITY – “What is happening? What action have you taken so far and what were the effects?”

OPTIONS – “What could you do? What are the alternatives?” Seek possibilities, not one solution.

WILL – “What will you do? When will you do it? What obstacles will there be? How can I help?”

This requires active listening (Proverbs 18:13. James 1:19) so as to gain clarity on the issues. The coaching cycle is ongoing and includes celebrating progress and ‘wins’ along the way. Encourage small steps towards a person’s goal.

Try using the GROW mental map in conversation with someone in your world today – a family member, a friend, a colleague or team member. Only use questions, listen attentively, and refrain from giving advice, just for a while. Notice the impact – on you and them.

Conclusion

Through effective coaching, we can develop the potential of the people who work around us, achieve our goals, and enjoy the journey together.

Recommended Reading

Mark Conner Leadership, Spirituality

Your Home Base

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Luke 5:16. As often as possible Jesus withdrew to out-of-the-way places for prayer. The Message Bible

This is an amazing description of how Jesus lived and did ministry.

  • He loved solitude - by the sea or in the country, on a boat or in a garden. 
  • This required withdrawal from people, busyness and activity. 
  • It was his home base - the place he continually returned to. 
  • He spent as much time there as possible. 
  • Out from here, he left to do ministry and serve the people God had sent him to.
  • His life was full of conversation with God - Father and Spirit; a dance of divinity. 
  • Maybe this was the key to not only his survival from the pressures of life and ministry and also his triumph over the pressure of life and the temptations from the devil.

What's your home base?

[Picture: The Sea of Galilee: View from Magdala]

Mark Conner Leadership, Relationships

The Art of Loving Confrontation

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Life can be very rewarding and fulfilling. It can also be very difficult at times. Two of the hardest things to do are handling criticism and confronting people, not that we should love confronting people (!) but learning how to do so in a loving manner. The apostle Paul once wrote in Ephesians 4:15 that one of the marks of a mature church is the ability to “speak the truth in love”. Some people speak the truth but not always in a loving manner. Others are so loving that they never speak the truth. Finding the balance of doing both well is essential.

Being Lovingly Assertive

We all need to be lovingly assertive, when appropriate. Assertiveness is all about being able to assert your rights. Errors in this area can lead to a lot of relational problems. Christian counsellor Arch Hart notes that sometimes as Christians we have adopted a belief that says that it’s not right to be assertive. We should surrender our rights and even be willing to be wronged in the name of love. The key issue is how we define ‘assertiveness’. The truth is that you can be both loving and assertive. Of course, Christian love may involve choosing to sacrifice our rights when appropriate.

Over-assertive people lack tact and sensitivity, hurt other people, steam-roll their ideas and opinions, and tend to be autocratic (‘we’ll do it my way’). In contrast, under-assertive people can’t set limits, they can’t say “no” (without feeling guilty), they are easily manipulated by stronger people, they are unable to express feelings of anger constructively, they avoid conflict situations and shirk responsibilities, they are excessively apologetic (“Oh, I’m sorry!”), they can’t send clear and unambiguous messages, they experience anxiety and guilt when they do not assert themselves, and they tend to fantasise after the conversations (replaying the situation over and over). This often leads to passive-aggressive behaviour. They are always assertive in their imagination (fantasy) but never in reality. How many of us have said some real assertive things in our mind but never had the courage to speak them out! As a result, under-assertive people find that their relationships remain superficial, they develop other unhealthy ways of expressing their anger, and they are often the most stressed people around due to a feeling of helplessness.

There is a balance between ‘under-assertiveness’ and ‘over-assertiveness’. We need to avoid swinging unnecessarily or inappropriately between the two. If you are angry, you have forfeited the right to be assertive. When anger is involved, assertiveness is no longer a healing activity. Aggression is not what assertiveness is about. When you do it right there should usually not be offence.

A Few Thoughts About Confrontation

Confrontation is not easy. In fact, it is very difficult. Confrontation is difficult for a variety of reasons, including: we all fear being disliked, we want everyone to like us, we may be afraid of making things worse (however, usually it is the attitude in which you confront that makes things worse, not the confrontation itself), we may fear rejection, we may find it difficult to share our feelings, we may think that confrontation will destroy love and trust (actually, if done correctly, confrontation can build more love and trust into the relationship) and we may lack confrontational skills. Good leaders learn how to confront in love.

1. Deal with conflicts quickly. Deal with issues the moment they come up. Don’t save all your complaints and problems up and then dump them all on a person. When tensions arise, clear the air immediately and personally. When you let tensions continue without dealing with them, they usually get worse rather than better (Eph.4:26-27).

2. Confront with the right attitude. Don’t be either overeager or too hesitant to confront. Confront, not because it makes you feel good, but because you are committed to seeing people mature in Christ (2 Cor.10:1. 2Tim.2:24. Gal.6:1). Confronting with the right spirit comes out of having the right goal in your confrontation, which is: (a) a better understanding, (b) a positive change, and (c) a growing relationship. The goal is not to ‘win a battle’ or to ‘unload our frustration’. Think Win/Win.

3. Outline the problem clearly. Be open and honest. Clearly define what the other person is doing to cause you a problem, how this makes you feel, and why this is important to you.

4. Seek to understand their perspective. Encourage a response. Get the issue out, then let them talk as long as they need to. Their feelings need expression, so give them time to do this. People may feel shock, hurt or resentment. At this point, your goal is to understand their perspective on the situation. You want to learn and to gain understanding. Don’t automatically assume that you are right and they are wrong. You may not agree with them, but be sure you understand where they are coming from. You may need to repeat or rephrase their comments to ensure you’ve understood correctly.

5. Seek to resolve the issue whether it is an action or an attitude. Re-establish or clarify the issue and ensure understanding or forgiveness. Indicate the desired action be taken. Place the focus on the future at this point. Clearly define what needs to change and what your expectations are. Don’t mistake an emotional release for fixing the problem. Let it happen but move to a resolution.

6. Affirm the person and put the issue in the past. Be positive. Affirm the person, even if you don’t like what they have done (Eph.4:29). Thank them for who they are and what they contribute. Express appreciation for them and your desire to work together. Don’t bring it up again unless the problem reoccurs.

The biggest mistakes we make in confrontation are: failing to get all of the facts (relying on hearsay evidence or subjective impressions), confronting while angry (anger causes you to lose objectivity), being vague about the offence (know what you’re talking about by being – people can’t fix things they can’t see), failing to get the other person’s side of the story, and holding a grudge (don’t keep hostilities but let it go and move on).

Your success or failure as a leader will depend more on your ability to build strong healthy relationships than anything else. Unless you learn to get along with a wide variety of people, your effectiveness as a leader will be greatly diminished. Have the courage and the consideration to learn to confront lovingly.

Discussion Questions:

1. Reflect on a time when a confrontation you were involved in went really well (whether you were on the giving or receiving end). What were the contributing factors?

2. Reflect on a time when a confrontation didn’t go so well. What were the contributing factors?

3. What one insight from today’s teaching or discussion will you apply this next week?