Mark Conner Family, Humour

Kid’s Humor (Part 2)

Children-laughing-together
I love kids. Especially their sense of humor.

No wonder Jesus loved them too. I love the story about Jesus and some children that is recorded in the Gospel of Mark (10:13-16) …

“One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could touch them and bless them, but the disciples told them not to bother him. But when Jesus saw what was happening, he was very displeased with his disciples. He said to them, ‘Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I assure you, anyone who doesn’t have their kind of faith will never get into the Kingdom of God.’ Then he took the children into his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them.” [NLT]

Here are some of my favorite kids’ letters to the pastor.

  • “Dear Pastor, I’m sorry I can’t put more money in the offering, but my father didn’t give me a raise in my pocket money. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my pocket money?” Patty (10)
  • “Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell him or does he read about it in the
    newspapers?” Marie (9)
  • “Pastor, I know God loves everybody but he never met my sister.” Arnold (8)
  • “Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won’t be there.” Stephen (8)
  • “Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.” Ralph (11)

Enjoy 🙂

Mark Conner Family, Humour

Kid’s Humor (Part 1)

Laughing_kids
I hope you had an enjoyable Father’s day a few weeks back. It’s a happy day for many people as we take time to thank and honor our dads. But not for all. Maybe you always wanted to be a dad but it hasn’t happened OR you had an absent or abusive father OR maybe you didn’t even know your dad. That can be hard. May you know God’s comfort and strength.

My dad is 91 years of age now and he grew up in a Salvation Army boys home, never knowing his dad or mum. That was incredibly difficult for him but after he married my mum he tried to be the dad he never had to my sister and me.

When our kids were little, when father’s or mother’s day came around one of them was bound to say, “When’s kids day??” Of course, I told them that every day was kid’s day. I love children – their sense of wonder, their frequent laughter, and even their mischievousness.

I thought today I would post a few funnies from the kids of this world … enjoy!

Kid’s Doctrine – taken straight from Sunday Schools around the world:

  • “The first book of the Bible is the book of geniuses in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.”
  • “Noah’s wife’s name was Joan of Arc.”
  • “Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.”
  • “Samson slayed the Philipines with the axe of the apostles.”
  • “Unleavened bread is bread that is made without ingredients.”
  • ” Moses went to the top of Mount Sianide to get the 10 commandments and the seventh one is, ‘Thou shalt not admit adultery’.”
  • “Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.”
  • “Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.”
  • “The people who followed Jesus were the 12 decibels.”
  • “The epistles were the wives of the apostles.”
  • “A Christian should only have one wife. That’s called monotony.”

[Source: Unknown]

Mark Conner Humour

How Politics Works

BillThe world of politics has been a bit of a circus lately, especially in Australia, the UK and the USA.

I saw this funny joke the other day, which has been floating around, and thought it was worth re-posting:

Dad: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son: "No!"
Dad: "The girl is Bill Gate's daughter."
Son: "Ok."

Dad goes to Bill Gates.
Dad: "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates: "No!"
Dad: "My son is the CEO of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ok."

Dad goes to the President of the World Bank.
Dad: "Please appoint my son as the CEO of your bank."
President: "No!"
Dad: "He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates."
President: "OK."

That's politics for you!

 

Mark Conner Humour

Was Jesus a Swede?

Christmas-dinner-007Did you hear the funny story about a 5 year old girl who thought Jesus was a Swede?

This cute little girl was helping set the family table one Sunday near Christmas. She stopped for a moment and announced, “Jesus was a Swede.” More than a little surprised, her mum corrected her, “Oh, no, dear, Jesus was Jewish. I'll read it to you from the Bible after lunch.” Pensively, she laid out the silverware. Then her face brightened. “Mummy, I can prove it to you! We sang about it in children’s church this morning.” Triumphantly she sang, "Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord Jesus lay down his Swede head."

Ah, the joys of Christmas carol lyrics. They can be confusing some times 🙂

Mark Conner Humour, Web/Tech

Is it worth buying an iPad?

IpiPads or portable computing devices seem to be all the rage nowadays. If you like technology, they can sure be a fun and beneficial device, enhancing our lives and work in amazing ways. 

I love this brief video clip (in German but easily understandable in any language) about a daughter asking her father how the new iPad she bought him for his birthday is going … enjoy 🙂

Play Video

Mark Conner Humour, Leadership

Jesus and Leadership Selection


JesusTo: Jesus, Son of Joseph
Woodcrafter’s Carpenter Shop
Nazareth 25922

From: Jordan Management Consultants

Dear Sir:

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the twelve men you have picked for managerial positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests; and we have not only run the results through our computer, but also arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational aptitude consultant.

The profiles of all tests are included, and you will want to study each of them carefully.

As part of our service, we make some general comments for your guidance, much as an auditor will include some general statements. This is given as a result of staff consultation, and comes without any additional fee.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew had been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau; James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddaeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic-depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind, and has contacts in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious, and responsible. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your controller and right-hand man. All of the other profiles are self-explanatory.

We wish you every success in your new venture.

Sincerely,

Jordan Management Consultants

[Source unknown]

As J. Oswald Sanders once said, “When Jesus selected leaders, he ignored every popular idea of his day about what kind of person could fit the role. His disciples were untrained and seemingly without influence – a motley crew to bring about world change.” Jesus saw in them something that no one else did and under his skilful hand they emerged as leaders that would shock the world.

Mark Conner Humour

Church Bulletin Bloopers


BloopHere is a collection of humorous church bulletin bloopers (typographical errors) …

* Evening massage – 6 p.m.

* Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.

* Thursday night … pot luck supper. Prayer and medication will follow.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

* At the evening service, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

* Tuesday at four there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk please come early.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the church basement Friday.

* The Reverend Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the congregation.

* The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing,  ‘Break Forth Into Joy."

* Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who laboured the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

* Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted.

* This morning’s sermon: “Jesus walks on the water”. Tonight’s sermon: “Where is Jesus?”

* During this morning’s meeting, be sure to smile and say hell to someone new.

* Ladies, don’t forget our rummage sale. Here’s a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping. Bring your husband along.

[Source Unknown]

 

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength." Prov 17:22. NLT

Mark Conner Humour

Kid’s Doctrine

How's this for some kid's doctrine, taken straight from Sunday School …

  • "The first book of the Bible is the book of geniuses in which Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."
  • "Noah’s wife’s name was Joan of Arc."
  • "Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night."
  • "Samson slayed the Philipines with the axe of the apostles."
  • "Unleavened bread is bread that is made without ingredients."
  • " Moses went to the top of Mount Sianide to get the 10 commandments and the seventh one is, 'Thou shalt not admit adultery'."
  • "Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."
  • "Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption."
  • "The people who followed Jesus were the 12 decibels."
  • "The epistles were the wives of the apostles."
  • "A Christian should only have one wife. That’s called monotony."

"Out of the mouths of babes …"

[Source Unknown]Kids

Mark Conner General Interest, Humour, Personal Development

Work Trivia + Some Unusual Jobs in Demand

CareerThis week we've been talking about Your Work, God's Work.

Did you know that the average person today has 5-7 complete career changes in their life time? That's an average of 10 different jobs with an average of 4.1 years at each workplace. 

I sure help the average, having worked as a builder's renovator, a book binder, a printer, a music director, a youth pastor, a church administrator and now as a pastor for the last 18 years.

Maybe you've had lots of changes in career too or maybe you're one of those people who stick at something for a long time.

Just for a bit of fun, here are some unusual though highly paid jobs in demand here in Australia:

1. Senior Submarine Cook. When the Royal Australian Navy advertised that it was willing to pay up to $200,000 for senior submarine cooks, it attracted worldwide media attention. It seems that there aren’t too many individuals with the cooking skills and organisational ability to produce morale-boosting food in a cramped galley.

2. Shark Tagger. Those tags that allow marine biologists to track the movements of great white sharks don’t magically attach themselves. If you’re willing to haul a shark onto a boat and help with the surgical implantation of a tracking device before throwing it back in the water, you probably won’t find yourself competing for jobs with too many others.

3. Island Caretaker. Love the ocean, and want to live a permanent holiday life? This job requires one to explore islands, and discover areas for exploitation. One will require some basic skills, like carpentry, plumbing, communication skills etc, in-order to help the Island achieve its recreational potential.

4. Crime Scene Cleaner. Ever wondered what happens after all the dirty work has been done at a crime scene and who cleans up the mess? Crime scene cleaners do it, though they need the stomach for it, due to the emotionally challenging nature of the job.

5. Fortune Cookie Writer. If you have a creative mind and imagination, you can earn good money with this job too.

Anyway, it doesn't hurt to daydream occasionally. Maybe you need a new job OR maybe you need to go to your current job as a new person … with a new perspective. Any plain old job or task can become a calling or a vocation IF we see ourselves as sent on a mission by Someone important. Your Work, God's Work – you're on a mission from God. Go to it! 

Mark Conner Humour, Special Events

What if the Three Wise Men Were Women?

WomenWhat would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men? 

  • They would have asked directions, 
  • arrived on time, 
  • helped deliver the baby, 
  • cleaned the stable, 
  • made a casserole, 
  • and brought practical gifts, and
  • there would be peace on earth.

But what they would have said when they left…? 

  • "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?" 
  • "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!" 
  • "Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in the house?" 
  • "I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!" 
  • "And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!" 
  • "Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?"

[Source Unknown]

Mark Conner Humour

Cats or Dogs?

DosSo what's your favourite – cats or dogs? I grew up loving cats (especially kittens) but ended up having a number of dogs after getting married (my wife, Nicole, was allergic to our first cat!). Here's something funny my daughter just sent me …

A dog's daily diary:

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

In contrast, here is a cat's diary on Day 983 of captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Dogs! 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now …

Meow!

Mark Conner Humour

Skipping Church

GolfFather Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.

So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyoneelse was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin. Dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

Mark Conner Humour

Kids in Church

KidFor a bit of a laugh …

3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven. Harold is His name. Amen.' 

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." 

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, 
and I wanted to stay with you guys." 

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." 

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." 

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan , you be Jesus!' 

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?" 

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"