Month: February 2010

Jesus made a choice to forgive those who nailed him to that cross – even though they never asked for it. That's amazing, yet forgiveness is such an important keep in connecting with other people.

Many of the people we connect with will be different than us. Yet, often these kinds of relationships provide the opportunity for us to grow and develop the most. They draw us out of our comfort zones and stretch our loving capacity.

There is no greater challenge in building community than to master the art of handling anger and conflict. We all know what it is to have other people annoy and irritate us, as well as hurt us deeply.

Jesus gives us some practical steps for resolving conflict (see Matthew 18:15f). This is one of the most well-known teachings of Jesus but probably the most disobeyed. He tells us to go the person who has offended us and do our best to sort it out with them alone. If it doesn't work out, then we should involve someone else who can help. Jesus wants us to be serious about forgiveness.

When you've offended someone, be quick to apologise and ask for forgiveness. That's a mark of maturity.

Of course, forgiveness is not the same things as reconciliation, which may or may not happen, depending on the situation.

Forgiveness is giving up the right to hurt back or get even. Eventually, you can even find yourself wishing the other person well.

[Part 6]

Jesus was a very transparent person. He let his friends see him as he really was – in moments of joy, sadness, anger, and fatigue. His followers never had to guess whether he was delighted or disappointed. He modeled deep disclosure to a few trusted friends. Read this slowly …

Matthew 26:36-38. Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me." NIV

The apostle Paul also modeled a life of transparency and authenticity. He was real and was willing to take off any masks to let people see who he really was and how he was going (see 2 Cor.6:11).

Who knows your needs? Who do you ask to pray for you? Who do you let see your brokenness -your weaknesses and struggles?

Share your life with others. Don’t hide. Never pretend to be more than you really are.

This is not easy as our culture is into “image projection” and “impression management”. We have a strong tendency to hide and to want to look better than we really are. However, when we hide, our relationships become stagnant and we lose the help and support that may be available to us. There is no healing in hiding, only in authenticity (see James 5:16).

A while ago, I had lunch with influential church leader. He asked me how I was doing. I hesitated at first … then decided to answere honestly rather than the typical “Great!” or “Awesome!” The depth of our conversation immediately changed. He thanked me for my openness. Sadly, he admitted to going through the same type of emotional low that I had been going through but he never had the courage to tell anyone.

Think about it: the level of intimacy or closeness in any relationship or group is directly related to the level of openness in that relationship or group.

Be open, honest and real. Share how you are really doing. Yes, we need wisdom and discernment in this area and trust is essential. We all need 'safe people' in our world who really know us – warts and all. Of course, not everyone knows how to respond to our openness (the disciples fell asleep after Jesus opened his heart to them and asked for prayer support!). It can feel a little awkward at first. However, make a choice to allow others to minister to you. Learn to receive.

[Part 5]

Jesus had an amazing ability to see a person’s heart and their deepest needs – to understand things from their perspective. He could look beneath the surface of the matter (external) and see a person's heart (internal). He modeled the art of empathy.

Pay attention to people. Look beyond their words to what is happening on the inside. Slow down and stop talking. Listen. Observe. Place all of your energy in seeking to truly understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings. Try to understand the words and the implied message. Use your free mental time to observe, concentrate and evaluate the message. When you listen, you learn.

This takes effort as most people do not listen with the intent to understand; listen to nonverbal messages. Many messages people send are communicated nonverbally by their tone of voice, their facial expressions, their energy level, their posture, or changes in their behaviour patterns. You can often tell more from the way a person says something than from what is said.

This takes effort as most people do not listen with the intent to understand; You understand others by getting inside of them and seeing life from their perspective, through their eyes. This involves a tremendous amount of communication – of asking, sharing and listening. Seeing life through someone else’s eyes gives us a totally different perspective.

This takes effort as most people do not listen with the intent to understand. It is so easy to judge and to make wrong assumptions about people. When we truly seek to understand, we learn and we grow. This takes effort as most people do not listen with the intent to understand.

Here’s a good exercise – select a relationship in which things are not going too well right now. Try to understand the situation from the other person's point of view. If you were in their shoes how do you think you would be feeling or thinking? In your next interaction, listen for understanding, comparing what you are hearing with your reflections. How valid were your assumptions? Did you really understand that person's perspective?

Misunderstanding is usually at the heart of most relational pain. It often takes time to rebuild trust and help people feel safe enough to open up again. Practice the art of empathy today.

[Part 4]

Jesus was a person who had so much to say, yet he was a great listener. He was always asking questions. In doing so, he drew people out and got to know them and helped them get to know themselves.

Relationships are built on communication and communication is built on good listening skills. Listening is one of the greatest ways to communicate love and value to another person. It helps you understand people and it earns you the right to be heard.

James tells us to be quick to listen and slow to speak, which is the opposite of our human nature (James 1:19-20).

Unfortunately, we all develop poor listening habits such as inattentiveness (through being preoccupied, lack of concentration, or distractions), interrupting (finishing people's sentences for them, just waiting your turn to speak, jumping to conclusions), and advice giving.

Good listening habits include: being attentive (making eye contact, concentration, giving verbal cues), seeking to understand, and asking questions.

Love pays attention. Love means being fully present with a person, concentrating not just on their words, but the meaning and feelings behind the words.

Pay attention … it is the most valuable currency we have.

[Part 3]

 

In order for us to connect or relate effectively with other people, we need to learn some important skills. These skills can help us as we connect with other people with our families at home, with co-workers in the workplace, and in small groups and serving teams at church.

1. The Art of Acceptance

Jesus had an amazing ability to accept people – all people, just as they were, ‘as is.’ He treated every person as if they were very important – even those despised by others in his culture, such as beggars, women, and children. He placed a #10 on everyone.

Don't be like the Pharisees who only accepted people who were like them. Everyone else they kept at a distance. Their attitude was ‘change and then you can come and hang with us’ while Jesus’ approach to all people was ‘come as you are and let my grace change you.’

The apostle Paul tells us to accept one another in the same way that Christ accepts us (Rom.15:7). How did Christ accept us? He loved us and died for us while we were still his enemies and living in a life of sin. He didn’t wait for us to get our act together before he reached out to us. We are to do the same for others.

The second great commandment is to ‘love our neighbour as ourselves.’ We all want to be accepted. Let’s do the same for others. Learn how to accept people as they are. Everyone wants to feel worthwhile. People want to feel important.

Of course, acceptance does not mean approval of someone's behaviour. Acceptance is not the same as tolerance. Jesus was a 'friend of sinners' without condoning their sin. It is an act of the heart that shows a person’s value and worth.

How do you approach people – with a smile or a frown, with a sense of acceptance or rejection? Be on guard so that you don’t become a stone-thrower with judgmental thoughts, a superior attitude, impatient words, bitter resentments, and little room for love. Let go of condemnation and judgment. Genuinely accept others … just as they are.

[Part 2]

Connecting with other people in close relationship is not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes we can develop an idealistic picture of what community should be, even in the church. The truth is that developing close and enjoyable relationships is not easy. John Ortberg has an excellent book on relationships with a great title: Everybody’s Normal – Till You Get to Know Them. How true is that!

Have you ever bought something from a shop that said ‘as is?’ You know right away that the item is most likely slightly irregular or that something is missing or that it doesn't work just quite right. It is not normal. There will be no refunds, no returns and no exchanges. That’s what it’s like dealing with humans. If you’re looking for perfection, you’ve walked down the wrong aisle. The sooner we realise this, the better. We must have realistic expectations.

Of course, the really painful part is that I am in the ‘as is’ department too. We don’t like to admit that. We’d rather separate the world into normal, healthy people (like us) and difficult people (everybody else). The truth is that no one is totally normal. All of us have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory.

Have you ever considered the families that God used as told in the book of Genesis? Cain was jealous of Abel and killed him. Noah – the most righteous man of his generation – got drunk and cursed his grandson. Lot offered his virgin daughters to some men who were trying to violate some visitors. Abraham played favourites between Isaac and Ishmael. Isaac played favourites between Jacob and Esau, who were bitter enemies for twenty years. Jacob played favourites between Joseph and his other eleven sons (the brothers wanted to kill Joseph and ended up selling him into slavery). Jacob’s firstborn son, Reuben, slept with his father’s concubine. Another son, Judah, slept with his daughter-in-law when she disguised herself as a prostitute.

The description of these families in Genesis reads like a script from Days of Our Lives! These people need a therapist … or something. I know … some of you are feeling better about your family already. This is the cast of characters God has to work with. None of them are ‘normal’ and neither are we.

So, how do we pursue community with actual, real-life, dysfunctional, as is, not-normal people? Can it really happen? How do you get close without getting hurt? How do we pursue God’s dream of a community on earth that reflects his community in heaven? How do we really connect with other people?

More about that tomorrow … as we begin looking at seven skills for connecting with other people.

"Edward Hallowell writes that for most people the two most powerful experiences in life are achieving and connecting. Most of what grabs our attention and commands our energy falls under these two categories.

Connecting has to do with our relational world – things like falling in love, forming great friendships, being cared for when we are sick, or receiving words of deep affection from parents.

Achieving has to do with our accomplishments – winning contests, pursuing career success, or realising a difficult goal.

Hallowell points out that our society is increasingly devoted to, obsessed with, and enslaved by achieving, and increasingly bankrupt and impoverished when it comes to connecting. Achievement for its own sake has become an idol in our society.

Achieving is not a bad thing – when it’s done in the right way for the right reasons. But it is no substitute for connecting. In fact, the only really significant achievements are those that enrich the life of community.

It is impossible to live isolated, lonely and unconnected and have a meaningful, joy-filled life. Human beings who give themselves to relational greatness – who have friends they laugh with, cry with, learn with, fight with, dance with, live and love and grow old and die with – these are the human beings who lead magnificent lives."

[Source: Everybody's Normal Til You Get To Know Them by John Ortberg, p.30-31]