Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 37 – Forgiveness

Many years ago I was on a building site and I was cutting through a piece of wood with an electric saw. Unfortunately, I cut through the wood and then took a chunk out of my finger. There was blood gushing everywhere. It really hurt. I rushed off to the hospital and got some stitches.

Thankfully, the body went into a healing process and over time the pain went away. I have got a scar there and I remember what happened, but it no longer hurts.

You know it is the same in our emotional world. Sometimes things happen that hurt us and it’s painful. But hopefully, we will experience a healing process so that over time the pain goes away.

How does that happen? It’s only through choosing to forgive those that have hurt us that healing takes place. If we don’t forgive, bitterness can become like a destructive poison eating us up on the inside.

So I urge you today, has someone offended you?

Have the courage to forgive them and to release them. NOT from accountability but from your need for revenge, to get back at them.

As you do, the healing process can begin to work in your life.

P.S. See also ‘Common Questions About Forgiveness.’

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 36 – Confrontation

Many years ago, when I was in my 20s, I was a youth worker at a church. At that time, we had a guest speaker from Africa. His name was Elijah Maswangungi. After his visit, I was given the task of driving him to the airport. On the way, he spent some time encouraging me. He felt that although I was a young leader, I had great potential. Then he said, “There are a few things you need to work on. First of all, you need to smile more. You are very tall and that can be quite intimidating. A smile draws people to you. Then he shared a few more things we don’t have time to talk about today.”

Anyway, I dropped him off at the airport … pretty quickly … and I started the long drive back to the office. To be honest, I was annoyed. Smile … I was smiling on the inside. But after a few days of stewing, I realised he was right. So I started smiling – driving in my car, getting into a lift. In fact, a few years later I was speaking at an event in Adelaide and a woman came up and said, “You’re the smiling speaker!” I thought, “Elijah where are you now!”

All this to say, I am now very thankful for someone who was willing to not only encourage me but to speak into my life. To confront me. I am a better person for it.

Have you ever heard the phrase – ‘speak the truth in love’? It’s an important principle in life.

Unfortunately, some people only ‘speak the truth’. There’s not a lot of love in the way they bring up issues or confront a problem. In fact, some people get really angry when they confront others. As a result, relationships are usually damaged and other people get hurt or offended.

On the other hand, some people are so ‘loving’ that they never speak the truth. They do everything to keep the peace … but unfortunately, they ignore the issues and they never deal with them, to everyone’s detriment. Important matters stay under the surface, eventually causing problems later down the track because they were never really addressed.

Which way do you lean? Do you need to be a little move loving when you speak the truth? Or do you need to be a little more truthful as you relate to the people in your world?

The challenge is for us to have both the courage and the consideration to confront in a loving manner … for everyone’s benefit.

Learn to speak the truth in love.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 35 – Love Languages

If I say to you, ‘Te Amo mucho!’ you might be wondering what’s wrong with me … that’s unless you speak a little Spanish. In Spanish, ‘Te Amo mucho’ means, “I love you very much!” As you can see, these words only have meaning if the person I am speaking to understands the language I am using.

As we develop relational intelligence, it’s very important that we let the people in our world know that we love them. But how do you say ‘I love you’ in a way that people understand and sense our love?

In many ways, love is like a language and there are a variety of love languages that we can use to communicate the love that’s in our heart for someone special.

Here are five common love languages:

  1. Encouraging words. Words have a powerful way of communicating love. People can’t read our minds but when we tell them how we think and feel about them, it communicates the love and appreciation we have for them.
  2. Helping someone. Simply doing something for someone else is a practical way to show love. It could be helping them move house, or setting up a new app on their computer, or writing a resume. Anything we DO to help others, communicates love.
  3. Giving a gift. When we buy a gift, even something small, we communicate care and appreciation for the other person. After all, it takes thought, time, effort, and money.
  4. Spending time with someone. In our busy, frenetically-paced lives, the gift of time is often one of the most valuable of all.
  5. Use appropriate physical touch – depending on the type of relationship, of course.

It is important for us to realise that each of us gives and receives love using one or more of these languages.

So for example, if your friend’s love language is encouraging words and yours is giving gifts … they may not be feeling your love, despite all the things you BUY for them. And saying, “I told you I loved you 5 years ago – if anything changes, I’ll let you know!” simply won’t work for them. They need to hear those words regularly if that is their love language.

If your partner’s love language is quality time and yours is helping, again they may not be feeling your love, even though you may be spending hours doing all sorts of things for them. 


Take the time to understand and learn the love language of those around you (your family and friends) and then endeavour to communicate love to them in a language that they really understand. In doing so, they’ll sense the love that is in your heart for them.

And be sure to let other people know what your love language is too! This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube Channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 34 – Authenticity

A few years ago, I was having lunch with a friend of mine. I asked him how he was doing and he said he was doing “great.” He went on to tell me a bunch of good things happening in his life.

He then asked me how I was doing. I hesitated at first but then I answered honestly. I was doing it a bit tough and so I told him about it.

The depth of our conversation changed immediately. He thanked me for my openness. Actually, near the end of our time together he admitted that he was going through some challenges too … but he never had the courage to tell anyone.

Authenticity is very important. It’s about being honest, real, and transparent … no masks, no hiding, no pretending.

This is not easy – after all, we live in a culture that is into “image projection” and “impression management”. We have a strong tendency to hide and to want to look better than we really are.

You know, we have this amazing family photo of our 3 kids on the wall at home. They’re smiling and they look great – such a happy family. Yet, the truth is, that was a really difficult day. We were paying big money for a professional photographer and the kids were pretty ratty … and I was in high-powered management mode, yelling ‘Smile!’ with great intensity. We sure didn’t frame any of the ‘before’ or ‘after’ shots. Just the split second of that perfect photo. We laugh about it now.

You know, the level of intimacy or closeness in any relationship is directly related to the level of openness in that relationship.

Of course, this requires wisdom and discernment. It can also be a little awkward. But hopefully, you have a safe, trustworthy friend who can ask you, “How are you doing … really?”

Be open, honest, and real. Authenticity is attractive and helps to build genuine and strong relationships.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 33 – Empathy

My dad was an orphan who never knew his mum or his dad. He grew up in foster homes and boys’ homes. Despite this, he tried to be the best dad he could be to my sister and me. However, he often missed my birthdays and special events when I was growing up. He would be at a meeting or working interstate. I worked through this, but definitely had some disappointment about it.

Later on in life, when I was about 40, I was having lunch with my dad and I asked him to tell me more about his childhood, growing up without any parents. Somewhere in the conversation he casually noted that he never remembered having a birthday party until after he married my mum. I said, “What?” He had never had anyone throw him a birthday party – for his entire childhood! Suddenly everything changed for me. He had no memory of anyone being there for his special moments and although he never intentionally tried to hurt me, he wasn’t there for many of mine. This realisation didn’t change or excuse what had happened but it did help me understand more about my dad and his story.

Everyone has a story to tell!

I remember hearing a story about a man sitting on a train, reading his newspaper when another man came onto the train and sat right next to him. He slouched and closed his eyes as if to shut out the world. He had two young children with him who proceeded to run around the train, disturbing everyone in sight.

The man couldn’t believe it. Why didn’t this man control his children? Eventually, when his annoyance reached a certain level, he said, “Excuse me, sir, why don’t you stop your kids from running around?”

The man slowly came to and said, “I’m sorry. We just came from the hospital where their mother died. I don’t know what to do and I guess neither do they.”

Talk about a paradigm shift! In a moment, this man’s emotions moved from anger to empathy.

It is so easy to judge. But everyone has a story to tell. Empathy means to stand in someone else’s shoes and see life from their perspective.

In your next conversation with someone, try asking this question: “Help me understand …”

One of the most powerful things you can give another person is the gift of empathy.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube channel.