Mark Conner Personal Development, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 09 – Personal Growth

You can watch this episode of Soul Food on the Soul Food YouTube Channel.

When I was a teenager I started taking piano lessons. Because I had a terrific teacher (a big shout out to Mike Herron! – @MikeHerronMusic) and I loved to play, I improved fairly rapidly … but it took time. I still remember the leader of a church youth group I was a part of asking me to play the piano at a youth meeting. I had the music sheets in front of me and I was glued to every note. God help the meeting if the wind blew those music sheets away! I did that for quite a while then eventually learned to just look at the chord symbols and improvise a little. One day, I had memorised the songs and I was able to look around while playing and note, “Hey there are people in the room!” This progress didn’t happen overnight. It took time and effort.

Pat Riley, a well-known American basketball coach, once said, “Excellence is the gradual result of always striving to do better.” The key word there is “gradual”. Often we see people excel in some endeavour or activity and think that we could never do that. But we don’t see the journey they have taken to arrive at that level of excellence. 

Personal growth doesn’t just happen. It’s not about hanging around for one more year. After all, some people grow old but never grow up! Personal growth needs to be intentional. 

I remember hearing a helpful illustration from leadership expert John Maxwell. Take 5 areas of your life right now – your people skills, your organisational abilities, your financial management, your motivations, and your vision for your life or career. 

Let’s say right now you are below average in each of these areas – so we will give you a score of 3 out of 10 in each area. Of course, in life things act on each other and there is an overall synergy that develops. So if we multiple your scores like this – 3 x 3 x 3 x 3 x 3 we get an overall score of 243. 

When you are a 3 out of 10 it’s easy to look at others who are much better  than you and become discouraged and even depressed. But could you lift each of these areas from a 3 to a 4 in the next 3 months? Of course, you could.

Look what happens. When you multiple your scores like this – 4 x 4 x 4 x 4 x 4 we get a score of 1024. That’s an overall increase of 400%! A few small improvements in a number of areas results in incredible overall progress.

As we said, “Excellence is the gradual result of always striving to do better.”

As we think about personal growth, it is important to remember that success in life is not about competing with or being better than other people. It’s about developing your own potential – being the best that YOU can be.

As we keep growing, we keep fresh and relevant in our career and in our life in general. When we are learning, we are growing and when we are growing we tend to enjoy life much more. It’s all about personal growth. 

What steps could you take today to become the person you want to be? Set a goal, plan some ‘baby steps’, and then as Nike says, “Just do it!”

Let’s recap our main points:

  1. Excellence is the gradual result of always striving to do better.
  2. Personal growth needs to be intentional. 
  3. Success is not being better than others; its about reaching your potential.

That’s all for today. This has been Episode 9 of Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

Mark Conner Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 08 – Hobbies

Episode 08 of Soul Food is about Hobbies and you can watch it on the Soul Food YouTube channel.

Tell me, what did you love to do as a kid? What games, activities, or hobbies attracted your interest? What did you do in your free time?

Often our early interests are an indicator of what will continue to bring us joy later in life. 

As a kid, one of the things I loved to do when my parents visited with friends was to sit by a bookshelf and read through the encyclopedias! I could spend hours reading and learning about all sorts of different subjects. 

Fast forward and today I now know that one of my top strengths is ‘Learner’. I get energised by ideas. When I’m learning and growing, my INFLOW is exceeding my OUTFLOW and there is an energy and joy in my life. When my inflow has slowed or I haven’t had time for learning, then I start to become drained through giving out all the time. 

Sometimes the key to our future is in our past. Why not do some archaeology! Dig into your personal history. Reflect on what has brought you joy and on those times when you were in such a FLOW that time seemed to stand still. Then make an effort to include more of those activities in your life today.

A helpful exercise is to reflect back on this last week.

  1. What activities energised you?
  2. What activities drained you?

We can’t totally eliminate all draining activities but what would it look like for you to make changes so that more of your time is being engaged in energising activities? Try to let go of what drains you, which are often things we aren’t very good at anyway. The good news is that what drains you probably energises someone else, so let them do those things. Focus on yours strengths and the things that you are good at. You’ll be more effective and more joyful as well.

Follow your curiosity! Don’t be stuck in a rut or tied to things that have lost your interest. The best career advice is to find something you love to do and have someone pay you for it! 

Of course, not all of us have a job or vocation that perfectly matches our strengths and includes only activities that energise us. That’s why it’s helpful to think of our life as a series of parallel careers. You might have your main job or vocation but you can also have some volunteer interests, a ‘side hustle’ or entrepreneurial experiment on the side, and some hobbies at the same time. Create a portfolio of activities that suit you best. 

That includes hobbies, which are an important part of self care and living an enjoyable life. Personally, I love to read, to walk, to play the piano, to watch my favourite sports team, or to cook a meal for the family. What about you? Don’t be so busy with work that you don’t have time to play.

Let’s recap our main points:

  1. Your interests as a child are often an indicator of your source of joy today. 
  2. Reflect on the activities that drain you and the activities that energise you.
  3. Follow your curiosity!
  4. Make time for play not just work.

That’s all for today. This has been Episode 08 of Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 07 – Relationships

Episode 07 of Soul Food is about Relationships and can be viewed on the Soul Food YouTube channel. Here is the transcript …

I don’t know about you but the hardest thing about this global pandemic is not being able to catch up with my family and friends. Just to be able to sit down together, have a drink, and hang out.

Us humans were made for relationships. We have this innate need to belong, to have a tribe, and then to connect on a regular basis. Relationships are vital for our own well-being. 

Relationships are also ‘spatial’. They can be seen as occurring in a series of concentric circles.

  • In the outer circle, we have our acquaintances – the 100s if not 1000s of people we will interact with during our lifetime.
  • Then we have our casual friends – people we know by name and connect with from time to time. These are our neighbors, work associates, classmates, family members, or friends.
  • Next is the next inner circle are our close friends. These are people we spend more time with and with whom we have a lot in common. We enjoy their company and make an effort to hang out with them.
  • Finally, in the smallest circle are our 1-2 best friends.

How do you find a best friend? Well, it starts with choosing to be friendly and making lots of acquaintances. The more people we meet and interact within different settings, the more opportunities we have to make close friends. It’s an inexact science and often an awkward process but as we invest time and effort in our relationships with other people, good friendships usually emerge.

Relationships change over time and in different seasons and circumstances.

What is your current relational constellation? 

  • Who’s where and why?
  • Are there some changes that need to be made or simply acknowledged? 
  • Are there some friendships that need attention right now or a greater degree of your time and energy? All relationships need to be nurtured.

Another insight about relationships is that the degree of openness determines the degree of closeness in any friendship. 

I had a lunch with a friend a few years back. As we sat down I asked him how he was going. He said, “Awesome!” He then began to tell me all the good things happening in his life. When he was done, he asked me how I was doing. I paused and thought to myself, “Will I do the ‘awesome’ thing or will I be honest?” I chose the second option. So I said to him, “Actually, things have been a little tough lately. There have been a few challenges at work and …” I was simply honest and open with him about my life. The whole tone of the conversation changed. In fact, when I was done, he told me that he was doing that well either.

Openness encourages openness. Authenticity and vulnerability are essential in building close friendships. This is not easy, especially in a world that values ‘image’ and having it all together. 

Have you got a safe friend who asks you, “How are you going … really?” If you do, you are a truly blessed person. If you don’t, then take some steps today to build your friendship circles. Hopefully, over time, some safe people will emerge. What a gift they are!

Let’s recap our main points:

  1. Friendships and relationships are vital for our own well-being.
  2. Relationships are spacial, in that we each have a constellation of relationships that can be viewed as a series of concentric circles.
  3. Our relationships change over time and in different seasons. 
  4. All important relationships need nurturing. 
  5. The degree of openness determines the degree of closeness in any relationship.

That’s all for today. This has been Episode 07 of Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

To listen to a 20-minute message on ‘How to Improve Your Relationships’, visit Mark’s podcast channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 06 – Conflict

Hi everyone and welcome to Soul Food Episode 06. 

[You can watch it on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube Channel or visit https://linktr.ee/markconner for other social media platforms]

We are currently talking about stress, with a specific focus on internal stress – the stress we carry on the inside of us. It’s one of the most subtle but dangerous types of stress.

Internal stress comes from a variety of sources, including unrealistic expectations and emotions that we don’t give attention to. 

Another source of internal stress is unresolved conflict. 

You know its possible to be offended ten years ago but live like it happened yesterday. BUT It takes a lot of energy to keep an offence alive like that. 

Conflict is a normal part of life. People can be annoying and there is always someone in our life who rubs us the wrong way. It’s true – where there is people there will be disagreements, arguments, and conflict. The question is not will we experience conflict but rather what will we do when it happens. 

We each have different ways of responding to conflict. 

Some people are like teddy bears. Their primary concern is to maintain the relationship so they will abandon their goals and needs to keep the peace.

Some people are like turtles. They withdraw when conflict occurs and would rather abandon their goals and even the relationship than face conflict.

Other people are like sharks. They go on the attack when conflict occurs, wanting to win at any cost. They often get their way as others withdraw under the assault.

Then there are thewise owls amongst us. They respond to conflict calmly yet firmly. They don’t withdraw or attack. They seek a way forward that considers their own needs and those of the other person. 

We also all have what could be called a fallback position. 

  • Push a teddy bear too far and they can morph into a shark. Have you ever seen a fairly compliant person suddenly lose it? 
  • Or a shark that doesn’t get their way can morph into a turtle and go sulk in the corner. 

The strongest relationships are not problem free but have the ability to reconnect emotionally after a disagreement. 

Which animal are you more like when it comes to responding to conflict? Are you a teddy bear, a turtle, a shark or an owl?

What about the people around you – your family, friends, class mates or work associates? 

The more we can understand the different ways we respond to conflict, the better equipped we are to work together to resolve conflict when it does occur.

There is one more animal I want to mention and that is the fox. The fox is a clever ‘situational conflict manager’. They have learned that different situations call for different responses. 

  • Sometimes be the teddy bear – the issue isn’t that big a deal.
  • Sometimes be the turtle and just pull your head in until the dust settles. 
  • At other times, be a bit shark like. There is a big difference between being aggressive and being appropriately assertive. 
  • At other times, be the wise owl – working for to protect the relationship and your goals.

Conflict is painful and its not easy to deal with. There are no simply solutions nor easy answers. But if we ignore it, resentment can build up inside of us like toxic waste. And it uses up a lot of energy causing us internal stress. 

Whatever you do, don’t ignore conflict. It rarely gets better by itself. In fact, it usually gets worse.

Is there a conflict in your world today that needs attention? What could you do to take a step towards resolving it? It takes two people to resolve a conflict but even one person can often influence the situation positively. Finally, is there someone who could help you process what is happening? 

Let’s recap our main points:

Let me encourage you to give attention to your internal stress. Embrace realistic expectations, manage your emotions, and do your best to resolve conflict. As you reduce your internal stress to as low as possible, you will have the capacity to handle the inevitable external stress that will come our way.

That’s all for today. This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!