Mark Conner Family, Relationships

Some Thoughts on Marriage

MarriageAccording to the recent national census (2010), 49.4% of people in Australia are married. The medium age of a first marriage for men is 29.6 years old and 27.7 for women. Choosing to marry someone is an important decision that needs to be undertaken with much prayer and consideration. At our church, we require all couples who intend on marrying to take a pre-marital course called Prepare and Enrich Course. 

What are some ways to build a great marriage?

A great wedding doesn't make a great marriage. Life is a journey and only with ongoing time and effort will a couple continue to grow together in their love for each other. A strong marriage includes a combination of commitment, friendship and romance. Commitment is the foundation that holds things together when the other two aspects aren't going so well, which occurs somewhere in any marriage. Communication is the key to building and maintaining any relationships. When communication breaks down, so do relationships. 

What roles should husbands and wives have in an ideal marriage? 

In biblical times, the husband was the home-provider and the wife was the mother and home-maker (1Tim.5:8; Tit.2:1-5). Paul speaks of the husband providing for his own household and of the wife being a home-maker. However, in a patriarchal society, Jesus and Paul made significant steps towards returning to the model of ‘partnership’ that God intended from the beginning (see Gen.1-2). God’s ideal is that men and women together share the reproduction mandate (“be fruitful and multiply”) and the dominion mandate (“let them rule”). The image of God is “male and female” not “male over female.” In our contemporary society, it is important that husbands and wives openly discuss their God-given roles and responsibilities together. These can be determined by the unique gifts of each person and the context in which each couple finds themselves.  

How should decisions be made?

Decision-making should be done together in a spirit of mutual submission and accountability. Unity is essential, so as to avoid a divided household, confused children, and a potential marriage rift or drift. Husbands and wives should spend time in extended discussion and prayer together. It is also wise to receive counsel from others, as in the multitude of counsellors there is wisdom. 

Paul described the husband as the ‘head’ of the home (1Tim.5:8 with Tit.2:1-5), which involves loving spiritual leadership. Of course, in healthy marriages there is mutual submission and respect (Eph.5:21). There is also recognition of the unique gifts and abilities of both the husband and the wife. Ideally, they should lead together in united partnership and do everything with a motive of love.  

Christian marriages are a strong three-fold cord between a husband and wife and God. As the couple grows closer to God, they draw closer to each other, and visa versa. A strong spiritual foundation of faith and prayer only enriches any marriage relationship.

P.S. More BLOG posts on marriage: Marriage God's Way and Love for a Lifetime – Building a Great Marriage.

There are many good books on marriage. I would especially recommend The Marriage Book by Nicky and Sila Lee.

Click here for some thoughts on parenting and here for some thoughts on family conflict.

Mark Conner Family, Relationships

Some Thoughts on Dating

DatingAt some stage, many single people move into a romantic relationship with someone from their circle of friends. This in often an exciting yet somewhat scary time. Although it's often too early to tell, ideally, the couple see each other as a potential spouse, not just a relationship of convenience, which can easily become selfish and abusive. 

Moving from a friendship to romantic relationship with another person is an important decision and needs to be done with prayer and wisdom. We put a lot of work into considering buying a house or a car. How much more should we put a lot of work on the front end of beginning a relationship with a potential life partner. After all, an eventual marriage means sharing every area of our life.

Aspects to consider are: compatibility (spiritual, personality, life purpose, attraction), character (track record, stability, quality of existing relationships), affirmation from family and trusted friends, and the test of time. Be extremely prayerful and careful. Of course, let’s not buy into the cult of perfectionism.

Should a Christian go out with or marry a non-Christian? When choosing a potential life partner – faith, character and life purpose are all important. The apostle Paul urged anyone who was about to remarry to marry “only in the Lord” – in other words, to another Christian (1Cor.7:39). His earlier comments about not being "unequally yoked with unbelievers" (1Cor.6:14) were not in direct reference to marriage, although there may be a principle there. “Missionary dating” is not always a successful enterprise. Because faith in God is such a central and all-pervasive aspect of life, it should be a priority when choosing who to go out with or who to marry.

When it comes to dating standards, God’s will is sexual purity before and within marriage (see 1 Thess.4:1-8). This requires that we control your eyes (what we look at), our mind (what we think about), our heart and our actions. Unfortunately, we have seen a great moral shift in our society over the last generation. Here in Australia, in 1967, only 3% of couples lived together before marriage, while in 2011, it is 87%. De facto or common law marriage is becoming the norm – a kind of "try before you buy" mentality.

In addition to this trend, the challenge with sexual purity is that puberty is occurring much earlier in today and people are often marrying much later (the average age for marriage used to be around age 21, now it's 29 for men and 27 for women), thus lengthening the period of time between sexual awareness and marriage. 

Couples going out should discuss their values and set standards that will enable them to live those values out. Always treat the other person with respect. Avoiding tempting situations is important, as is accountability from close family members and friends. God's order is spirit, soul and body – the opposite of the world's, which tends to focus primarily on sex (for some thoughts on the sacredness of sex, click here). Focus on your friendship and your life purpose. Once there is a strong sense of you having a future together, short engagements are ideal. It doesn't take more than a few months to plan a wedding celebration. 

When we do dating the right way, it can be a time of adventure, enjoyment and friendship. When we don't, we can end up causing a lot of hurt and pain, along with regret. Our choices have consequences. Beginning today, make a commitment to choose wisely and to treat others with genuine love, thinking of what is best for them, not just yourself. 

Click here for some thoughts on marriage.

Mark Conner Family

Some Thoughts on Singleness

SingleBased on last year's national Australia census (2010), 41.9% of adults in our local State of Victoria are single. They include people who have never married (because they chose not to marry or have not found a partner) or those who have been married but are single again because of the death of a spouse or through divorce.

Single people are part of the family of God – they are not second class citizens. They are to be given full acceptance and affirmation. They are not abnormal or to be viewed with suspicion. Marriage is not a superior status to singleness, nor visa versa. Both marriage and singleness are gifts from God. Being single is not ‘second best’ or a life doomed to misery and incompleteness.

Singleness is not in any way inferior to marriage. In fact, you are better off happily single than unhappily married. The apostle Paul preferred singleness and encouraged people to consider it as a life choice (1 Cor.7:7-9, 27-28). Jesus was a single too. Singles are not half a person. We are complete in Christ, not through marriage. Marriage is ordained by God, yet it is not obligatory for everyone.

Some of the unique challenges that single people face include loneliness, low feelings of self-worth, problems with identity and life direction, pressure from married people (the 'matchmakers'!), maintaining sexual purity, and possibly or parenting alone.

Reflecting on the lives of both Jesus and Paul, we see that some keys for single people living an enjoyable and fruitful life are: (1) establishing an intimate relationship with God as Father, (2) developing healthy, non-romantic friendships, and (3) having a sense of purpose for life.

Singles, know that God loves you and has a purpose for your life. Marrieds, let's be sure to reach out to singles, giving them heaps of encouragement, care and support. After all, we are all a part of God's bigger family. 

Click here for some thoughts on dating.

Mark Conner Family

Update on the State of the Family

FamilyCreated for Relationship

The book of Genesis is the book of beginnings. It doesn’t tell us when the world was created or much about how the world was created (two matters that continue to be hotly debated today) … but it does tell us who created the world (God) and why he created it.

God reveals himself as a relational God existing in a community of persons: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Three, yet one. Human beings are created in the image or likeness of God (Gen.1:26-28). We too are relational beings. When God created the world, he was pleased with every days’ work, declaring it “good” (Gen.1:4, 10, 12, 18, 21, 25).” After creating everything, including humans, he said his work was “very good” (Gen.1:31). But then there is a turn in the mood. Suddenly God says something is “not good” (Gen.2:18) – and this is before sin had entered the world.

God saw it as “not good” that Adam was alone. It wasn’t that Adam was lonely – he had God and all the animals. But Adam was alone in that he was a solitary individual human being and as such could not reflect the image of God, which is relational. So God created Eve … not to do the dishes and the housework … but as a “partner” for Adam (Gen.2:18). Only man and woman together could accurately reflect the image of God. This was not so much about marriage as it was about community. We were created for community – for relationship.

A Changing Culture

Just mention the word “family” in society today and you’ll get a variety of opinion and perspectives on what it is and what it should be. Changes to the family are reflected in the typical TV family. We've come a long way from the Little House on the Prairie, The Waltons, The Cosby Show and the Brady Bunch (anyone remember The Munsters?) through shows like Friends (a bunch of friends living together in a pseudo-family), The Simpsons and now Modern Family.

The traditional “nuclear family” (a dad and mum and a few kids) is becoming less common (some sociologists would say “extinct”). Of course, in many Asian cultures, the “extended family” (including grandparents and other relatives) is still the norm. In the West, more and more people are living alone, single parent families are becoming more common, as are de facto marriages (including children – in 2009, 35% of births were outside of marriage) and blended or step families (as of 1997, 1 in 3 marriages in Australia is now a remarriage). Currently, here in Australia 43% of first marriages end in divorce; 50% of second marriages end in divorce; and 70% of subsequent marriages break up.

All of this has huge ramifications for society.

  • More and more kids are growing up in fragile homes (the number of children who do not reach the age of 15 in an intact family with both of their biological parents has almost doubled within a generation).
  • Family conflict and parental separation has adverse effects on children
  • There is an increase in child abuse and neglect.
  • More children are in out-of-home care.
  • Issues for teenagers are on the rise, including binge drinking, self harming, risky sexual behaviour (at younger ages and with more people), mental disorders, and juvenile offences.
  • More kids are growing up with out a dad around … an increasingly fatherless generation.

Christians in Relationships

As followers of Christ, we are called to be in the world (doing life within the culture we find ourselves in, not isolated or removed from it) but not of the world (having a different ethic and value – that of love or self-giving sacrifice). We want all of our relationships to reflect the God we worship – a God who has revealed himself as love. That doesn’t just happen and it’s not easy. It requires the help of God’s Spirit and our commitment to be the kind of people who help to create healthy families and relationships, so that they are places of love, laugher and life … not of hatred, pain and damage.

Our next few BLOG posts will make some reflections on some of the common questions that are being asked today about family and relationships …

Click here for some thoughts on singleness.

Mark Conner Contemporary Culture, Family

Technology and Families

Tech A new study by the Barna Group reveals that families are more dependent on technology and media than ever and could benefit from some reflection on how they manage their time on-line, in front of the TV and on their digital devices. The research found that:

  • Parents are just as dependent on technology as teens and tweens.
  • Most family member, parents included, believe technology has been a positive influence on their families.
  • Very few adults or youth take substantial breaks from technology.
  • Few families have heard or expect to hear churches address technology.

David Kinnaman, president of the Barna Group, summed up action that the findings call for: "The Christian community needs a better, more holistic understanding of how to manage existing and coming technological advances. Parents, tween and teens need more coaching and input in order to face the countless choices they make regarding how technology affects their attention, interests, talents and resources."

Read the full report at www.barna.org

Mark Conner Family

The Grass Will Grow

GrassI first heard this story in a sermon by Tony Campolo. It never fails to bring a tear to my eye …

"There was once a little boy named Mike. When he just was a toddler, he wanted a sand box and his mother said, 'That’ll be good', but his father said, 'There goes the back yard. There’ll be sand all over the place and it will kill the grass.' The little boy’s mother smiled and said back, 'The grass will grow back.'

When Mike was 5 he wanted a jungle gym that would enable him to climb into the sky and swings that would take his breath away. His father said, 'If we put that thing in the back yard, every kid in the neighbourhood will be over here. They’ll run back and forth, back and forth and they’ll kill the grass.' Mike’s mother smiled and said, 'The grass will grow back.'

Between breaths as he was blowing up the plastic swimming pool, Mike’s father said, 'You know what? They’re going to condemn this place and make it into a missile site. You won’t be able to take the garbage out without coming back with mud up to your neck. It’s going to kill the grass.' And Mike’s mother smiled and said, 'The grass will grow back.'

When Mike was 12, he volunteered his yard for a campout. When the neighbourhood boys drilled the spikes into the ground and stomped around with their big feet, Mike’s father looked out the window and said, 'Why don’t I just save myself the trouble and put the grass seed in cereal bowls … I know, I know, the grass will grow back.'

The basketball hoop on the side of the garage drew a bigger crowd than the summer Olympics. The barren spot under the hoop got larger and larger until it encompassed the whole side yard. And just when it looked as though new grass was going to take root, winter came, snow fell, and sled runners beat the grass into the ground. Mike’s father said, 'Lord, I never asked for much in this life, just a few crummy blades of grass.' Mike’s mother smiled and said, 'The grass will grow back.'

… Well the grass this year was beautiful. It rolled out like a carpet, like a green sponge out along the driveway where bicycles once fell, out along the flowerbeds where little boys once dug with tea spoons, but Mike’s father never saw the grass. Instead his eyes were lifted beyond the yard and he said with a catch in his voice, 'He will come back, he will come back, he will come back, won’t he?'

Continue reading “The Grass Will Grow” →

Mark Conner Contemporary Culture, Family

Generation iY

Images-19 Generation Y are the children of the late Baby Boomers and the early Gen-Xers – born between 1984 and 2002. While experts differ on what to call them, all agree they are bound to change the way we approach life. Even if you have no interest at all, or no connection at all with this next generation of kids – you will be affected by how they turn out. 

We could call them Generation iY, because of the impact of the internet on their lives. They have literally grown up online. Theirs is the world of the iPod, iBook, iChat, iMovie, iPad and iTunes. And for many of them life is pretty much about "I."

Nearly half of the world's population is under the age of 25, which represents about 3 billion people. Gen iY is the most eclectic and diverse in history. They are also the first generation that doesn't need leaders to get information; they have electronic access to every pience of data you can imagine. 

All of this will either turn out to be good news or bad news as they migrate into adulthood. Tim Elmore's research reveals that this generation is (1) overwhelmed, (2) over-connected, (3) over-protected, and (4) over-served. That's not the whole picture of course. They can be very energetic, confident and capable. But it's time for those of us who care about these kids – parents, teachers, coaches, youth workers and employers – to pay attention to the way we are shaping them. 

Elmore goes on to describe the paradox of Gen iYs as being:

1. Sheltered … yet pressured.

2. Self-absorbed … yet generous.

3. Social … yet isolated by technology.

4. Ambitious … yet anxious.

5. Adventuresome … yet protected.

6. Diverse … yet harmonious.

7. Visionary … yet vacillating.

8. High achievement … yet high maintenance. 

The prophet Joel said that in the last days, God would pour out his Spirit on young and old together. It is not young vs old, or old vs young, but young and older working together for kingdom purpose. If we could only harness the enthusiasm of the young with the wisdom of the aged, what a powerful impact we could have on our world. Fight the generation gap. Be a bridge-builder today. Reach out and connect with a young person today. Listen to them. Challenge them. Show them that you love and care for them. What a different that can make!

For more information about Generation iY, check out Tim's book or his web site.

[Taken from Tim Elmore's new book. See also my previous posts here and here]

Mark Conner Contemporary Culture, Family

Seven Lies that Can Disable a Generation (Part 2)

Lie #5 – "You can have it now."

This generation get their music – now, their texts – now, their fast food – now, their information – now. They are accustomed to living this way and they have a low tolerance for waiting. Of course, us adults are not much more patient either. WAIT is a four letter word for adults too. We haven't learned to "pay now and play later." We expect instant gratification and we are quick to give up when the answers aren't coming. This lack of self-discipline and persistence will hinder young people in achieving success in their life. 

Lie #6 – "You're a winner just because you participated."

This phrase may sound okay when kids are young and playing in little league but kids are not stupid. Some young people are far more capable than others and ignoring this reality robs kids of motivation. It dilutes the value of achievement. If everybody wins, then actually everybody loses. There is nothing to strive for and nothing to feel genuinely proud of. The real world doesn't work like this. 

Lie #7 – "You can get whatever you want."

Many kids today get pretty much everything they want as they grow up. They shop, research, phone, text-message, and write to friends at any time, any place, to find what they want – and they expect to get it. They rarely have to take 'no' for an answer. Sadly, this sets them up for disappointment later in life because none of us get everything we want. Like the other lies, this one nurtures unhealthy adults who cannot delay gratification, who feel entitled to the best all the time, and who quit when something doesn't turn out the way they would like it. 

Dr. Chris Thurman believes that "the number one cause of our unhappiness are the lies we believe in life." Growing up requires facing the truth and embracing reality. If we truly love our kids, we'll make sure they hear the truth. 

For suggestions on the truths we must communicate to this younger generation, chick here.

[From Tim Elmore's book: Generation iY: Our Last Chance to Save Their Future]

Mark Conner Contemporary Culture, Family

Seven Lies that Can Disable a Generation (Part 1)

Unknown-9 Tim Elmore (see recent post) believes that many young people are reaching adulthood emotionally unstable and socially naive – due to the lies they have been told. Shame on us – not on them. We have not equipped them to face an uncertain world. Here are some of the most harmful lies we've told to Generation iY:

Lie #1: "You can be anything you want to be."

You can see signs of this popular lie on any edition of a TV reality show. The trouble is that wanting something is not the same as being able to achieve it. Desire is not the same as talent, and talent is not the same as accomplishment. Unless young people match their dreams with their actual strengths, they are doomed to failure. Telling them this lie simply sets them up for discouragement – because the truth is they can't do anything they want. None of us can. 

Lie #2: "It's your choice."

We live in a culture full of options and yet this vast array of choices can be harmful. It creates a self-centred paradigm where kids grow up accustomed to having things their way. The truth is that not everything is an option in the real world. There may be only one right choice or someone else may be making the decision. That is simple reality. 

Lie #3 – "You are special."

Yes, everyone is special and unique but not everyone is outstanding and extra-ordinary. That simply cannot be true of everyone … and kids soon figure this out. Some spiral down into depression while overachievers and perfectionists often buckle under the pressure that the word 'special' implies. We can serve our young people well by pointing out their strengths and by affirming them, while at the same time preparing them for the real world where not everyone will think they are special.

Lie #4 – "Every kid ought to go to college (university)."

We want students to set their sights high, to get a degree and become a real somebody. We want them to believe in themselves and value their own abilities. The intent is good but the truth is that a three or four-year degree isn't for everyone. Many students later discover that their degree does not fit their gifts, interests or aspirations. The truth is that there is more than one path to a successful future. A university degree may be a fruitful option for some, but apprenticeships, community colleges, tech schools and vocational institutes may be more appropriate for many. 

More tomorrow (click here) …

Mark Conner Family

Damaging Parenting Styles

Images-18 Generation expert, Tim Elmore, believes that those us who work with young people today need to pay attention to the way we relate if we are to correct some of the damage that has been done with this generation. After working with thousands of parents over the years, Tim has spotted eight damaging parenting styles that dads and mums can fall into without even knowing it. Some are unique to this generation while others have existed for years. 

1. Helicopter Parents – they hover too close.

2. Karaoke Parents – they try hard to be cool.

3. Dry-Cleaner Parents – they drop their kids off for others to raise.

4. Volcano Parents – erupt over minor issues.

5. Dropout Parents – let their kids down.

6. Bullied Parents – can't stand up to their kids.

7. Groupie Parents – treat their children like rock stars.

8. Commando Parents – let rules trump relationship.

For a quiz on what kind of parent you tend to be, click here. 

[From iGeneration iY – Our Last Chance to Save Their Future]

Mark Conner Family

A Good Father

Dad (2) Dads, your kids need you and its never to late to start being a better father. Fathering is a vital, honorable, and essential part of the fabric of human life.

In his book Five Signs of a Loving Family, author Gary Chapman outlines a few signs of a good father. Here they are:

  1. A good father is active in his fathering. He actively seeks to be involved in his child’s life and initiates such involvement. Don't leave it to chance.
  2. A good father makes time to be with his children. He doesn’t give them the leftovers. Don't spend time with your children out of a sense of guilt or obligation, but because it feeds your soul and is a job you are proud of doing well. Where we spend out time is a reflection of our priorities – what is important to us.
  3. A good father engages his children in conversation. He builds intimacy through two-way communication. Share your life with your children and ask them good questions about what is happening in their world.
  4. A good father plays with his children. He creates laughter, fun, and pleasure.
  5. A good father teaches his values. He teaches about what is important in life. Train your child in the way he or she should go (Proverbs 22:6). This involves modeling values and character to your children. Discipline your children lovingly when necessary. Don’t be a wimpish father who leaves the discipline to the mother or worse yet, undermines her discipline. Be an equal partner in discipline. If a father is doing his bit, the mother relaxes, feels supported, and is less cold and harsh as a result. Get involved!
  6. A good father provides for and protects his children.
  7. A good father loves his children unconditionally. Boys and girls need affirmation and admiration from their fathers. They needs lots of encouragement – it's like oxygen to the soul. They also need forgiveness when they fail. Treat them with respect. Honour and value them. Treat them as precious.

Dads, we need you!

Mark Conner Family, Relationships

Marriage God’s Way (Pt.3)

Here are some discussion questions you might like to consider about marriage …

  1. What was your parent’s marriage like? What ‘roles’ did your dad or mum each play and what were the expectations like? How has that influenced your view of marriage?
  2. What are some of the implications that the doctrine of the Trinity (one God existing in three persons – equal partners, unity in diversity, etc) has for marriage and human relationships?
  3. From your perspective, what are some practical tips for a good marriage?
  4. For those who are parents, what are some keys to modeling a healthy view of marriage to our children?
  5. Marriage is not a requirement. Jesus and Paul were not married. While encouraging marriage as a good thing (in a culture where its value is diminishing), how can we also improve the way we value and affirm those who are single within the church?

Finally, here are some books I would recommend that address some of the issues we have raised:

Discovering Biblical Equality – this book contains an excellent compilation of articles by leading scholars, including gordon Fee (editor). I think this is the best book available on this topic.

Beyond Sex Roles: What the Bible Says about a Women's Place in Church and Familyby Gilbert Bilizekian. This book is a classic, written by Bill Hybels' theological mentor.

Good News for Women: A Biblical Picture of Gender Equality by Rebecca Groothius.

The Trinity and Sub-Ordinationism: The Doctrine of God and the Contemporary Gender Debate by Kevin Giles. This book and the following one take an in-depth look at the Trinity as to how it informs human relationships, including marriage.

Who's Tampering with the Trinity: An Assessment of the Subordination Debate by Millard Erickson.

For a different perspective that what I have proposed, read Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood by John Piper. Piper proposes that men and women are equal as persons but that they have different God-given roles in the home and the church.

Mark Conner Family, Relationships

Marriage God’s Way (Pt.2)

Marriage Marriage Today

The Bible is the inspired word of God and it was given to guide us in our lives today. Our first task is ‘exegesis’, which is where we ask what God’s Word meant back then in the culture and time in which it was given. There are considerable cultural gaps between us and world of the Bible that need to be bridged. Our next task is ‘hermeneutics’ which is where we ask what God’s Word means today in our time and culture, which is very different to the context in which it was first given. Unless this is done properly, we can misuse the Scriptures by ignoring matters of cultural context (e.g. forcing women to wear hats in church based on 1 Cor.11).

Today we no longer have household codes, we do not have slaves, and we would not group wives, children and slaves together as philosophers did in the ancient world. Unfortunately, we still live in a culture that is still somewhat patriarchal, even in the church world, where suppression and even abuse of women frequently occurs. Like Jesus, the Christian church needs to champion the value and dignity of women everywhere. There is no doubt that the trajectory of the Scriptures is toward women finding full freedom in Christ as equal heirs of the grace of life with men. Just as we applaud the abolition of slavery, so we should seek justice for women.

So what does this mean for marriage? It is important for us to realise that no Scriptural text represents all that is to be said on any given topic, including marriage. There is an important principle of ‘first mention’ that needs to be considered. Jesus regularly talked about the way things were ‘in the beginning’ as God initially intended (e.g. Matt.19:4, 8). A full study of God’s intention for marriage from the beginning shows that God desired marriage to be an equal and mutual partnership between the husband and the wife (Gen.2:18). Men and women were both created in the image of God and they were both given a dominion mandate and a reproduction mandate (Gen.1:26-28). God’s original intention was that men and women work together in harmony in a partnership of interdependency, taking their rightful place as joint-heirs and co-rulers of creation. Before sin entered there was no hierarchy, no domination and no control in human relationships, including marriage. These damaging relating patterns entered as a result of the fall (see Gen.3:16). Christ comes to redeem us from the curse of sin and to return us to God’s intentions at the beginning.

I believe that a healthy marriage involves a husband and a wife who see each other as equal partners, enjoying life together, making decisions together, and empowering each other to serve based on their unique gifts and abilities. There is mutual love and respect. Marriages of mutual empowerment do not come naturally or automatically because the human tendency is to dominate or manipulate in order to get your own way. Working out an equal partnership takes time, effort and energy. However, the very process of working it through creates character and personal growth. Most importantly, it can be a powerful witness to the watching world.

Part 3 - some discussion questions and some recommended reading

Mark Conner Family, Relationships

Marriage God’s Way (Pt.1)

Marriage Better Relationships

We're currently doing a series of messages at our weekend church gatherings based on Paul's letter to the Ephesians. This weekend we picked up some of Paul's thoughts for better relationships. These are often referred to as the ‘household codes.’ Paul addresses husbands and wives (Eph.5:21-33), parents and children (Eph.6:1-4), and finally masters and slaves (Eph.6:5-9). Just prior to this Paul noted that God calls us to live life carefully, knowing his will and making the most of every opportunity. We are not to get drunk with wine but we are to be continually filled with the Spirit. Paul describes the results of the Spirit-filled life as people whose lives are marked by singing, thankfulness, and mutual submission (Eph.5:15-20). Positioning ourselves to be continually filled with the Spirit is crucial to building the kind of loving relationships that God’s desires for us. Without the Spirit’s power and enablement we can easily degenerate into our old habits patterns of relating from a self-centred perspective.

Mutual Submission

Paul begins this section on relationships with a call for all believers to submit to one another (Eph.5:21). We are all called to self-giving love and humility modelled by Jesus himself. We are to consider others better than ourselves and to look to other people’s interests, seeking to serve them in any way we can (Gal.5:13. Phil.2:3-4. Rom.12:10). All believers are to place themselves under others in the spirit of humility. Unfortunately, for many the very word ‘submit’ implies a passive and weak approach to life. However, neither Jesus nor Paul was a weak person but they did choose to treat other people with respect and love. The call to mutual submission is the context for all that Paul says about marriage, parenting, and relationships between masters and slaves.

Marriage in the First Century

The society that Paul lived in was completely patriarchal (dominated by men). It was a terrible time for women as they were viewed as being inferior to men and were given relatively little freedom. They received minimal education, could not be witnesses in a court of law, had less economic independence, could not adopt children or make a contract, and typically were kept from public life. When girls married (usually between age twelve and sixteen), they were expected to take the religion of their husbands. They were either under their father’s, their husband’s, or some other male relative’s authority all their lives. Roman law gave husbands complete authority over their wives, who were in many ways seen as the husband’s possession.

Into this environment, where the devaluation of women was the cultural norm, the Christian faith brought amazingly good news for women through the gospel of the kingdom. Jesus allowed women to be his disciples, they were the first witnesses of his resurrection and were sent to proclaim to the men that he had risen, they received the outpouring of the Spirit on the day of Pentecost, they were given spiritual gifts to serve the church, and they ministered and led within the church community (it should be noted that any restrictions placed on women ministering in the early church were temporary and they were given within dysfunctional church communities, whereas in healthy environments, ministry was based on gifting and godliness, not gender). In fact, Paul boldly declared that, because of Christ, gender distinctions, though still existing, were no longer grounds for prejudice or discrimination with the community of faith (Gal.3:28).

Can you imagine the potential uproar that this new freedom for women may have caused within society at that time? Paul’s concern was always for the credibility and the advance of the gospel (see Titus 2:5). Interestingly, he didn’t attack or seek to overthrow the structures of how society worked in his time. For instance, he didn’t seek to abolish slavery, overthrow dictatorial Roman government, or overturn a patriarchal approach to relationships. His focus was primarily on how Christians should live out their faith with the context in which they found themselves (see Eph.6:5-9, Rom.13:1-7 and Eph.5:21-33). However, he did give his greatest challenges to the ones with the most power in that culture – husbands, parents, and masters. He pushed them towards love, kindness and consideration because of the grace that is in Christ Jesus.

Because Paul wrote at a time when wives were expected to submit to their husbands (in the same way that slaves were expected to obey their masters), he affirmed that arrangement (Eph.5:22-24, 33) but balanced it with a reminder to husbands that they were to always act in love, which would have directly affected the way that they expressed their authority (Eph.5:25-33). He also redefined the man’s leadership as being that of a servant who acts with self-giving love like Christ. Interestingly, Paul’s directions to the wives to submit and to the husbands to love are instructions given to all Christians as to how they should act towards each other.

Part 2

Mark Conner Family, Relationships

Aussie Men are the Least Desirable Husbands!

Husband A recent study conducted by Oxford University revealed that Australian men are the least desirable husbands when it comes to housework and helping with the children. With Aussie men, it seems that their passion for beer and sport takes precedence over doing the washing up. Aussie men are still perceived as being Steve Irwin and Crocodile Dundee types for whom a kitchen is largely unexplored and dangerous terrain. For single women, this only reinforces the old joke – ‘You start off sinking into his arms, then you end up with your arms in his sink.’

My fellow Aussie mates, we have work to do! This is an appalling result. We can do much better than this.

The report reveals that Swedish men make ideal husbands – not because of their Viking good looks, but because they are most likely to help with the housework.

The study, led by economist Dr Almudena Sevilla Sanz, set out to find the countries with the highest proportion of egalitarian men – those who have no problem strapping on an apron and doing their fair share of the housework.

Click here to read an article about this in the Sydney Morning Herald.