Mark Conner Personal Development

Go With Your Strengths!

Know-Your-Strengths
 
Have you ever heard some enthusiastic, optimist person spout statements such as, “You can be anything you want to be” or “What you believe, you can achieve!” As nice as these kind of grandiose motivators may sound, they are not true. You can’t be anything you want to be nor can you do anything you want to do. Yes, we all have strengths and great potential but we also have limitations and weaknesses – things we are not very good at. Accepting this reality and working within it is a part of finding joy and fulfilment in life. 
 
Some of us need more ‘reality thinking’ and a little less ‘possibility thinking’. No, I’m not referring to talking yourself down or to some form of ‘worm theology’ (“I’m just a nobody!”) … just a good dose of honest, sober thinking. Others of us need to see ourselves with fresh eyes so we can break free from the negative limitations that other people have put on us or we have placed on ourselves. Our potential is far beyond what we are currently living out. 
 
Each of us has STRENGTHS – unique aptitudes, skills and abilities. Yes, we can DO whatever we are gifted to do and we can BE whatever we are wired to be. Our strengths are something we discover more than something we decide. This takes a commitment to exploration. The greater the variety of things we attempt and the experiences we engage in, the more likely we will discover what our strengths are … and what they are not! This is part of the adventure of life. 
 
Our strengths are what we are good at and also what energises us. A good experiment is to take time each day over the coming week to reflect on and respond to two simple, open-ended statements:
  1. “I felt energised when …”
  2. “I felt drained when …”
This activity helps us gain some much needed self-awareness. The smart thing to then do is to lean in towards doing more of what energises you and less of what drains you. And the good news is that what drains you probably energises someone else. Of course, we will never completely eliminate all draining activities. After all, someone has to do the dishes and take out the rubbish – not because you feel especially gifted to do so but just because it needs to be done!
 
Most of you are aware that I made a major vocational change last February as I finished up as Senior Minister of CityLife Church, a position I had held for 22 years. There were many factors contributing to this decision but one of them was that I was no longer enjoying this role in the last few years as much as I did earlier on. I was spending two thirds of my time in all the meetings that were required to lead such a large, complex organisation and each weekend I was responsible for overseeing 11 church services in 4 locations. I spent many years speaking 4-5 times a weekend myself … on top of busy midweek activities. Over time, it became more draining than energising for me. 
 
During my processing time, my amazing wife, Nicole, once asked me, “If you didn’t have your job today, would you apply for it?” Now that’s a good question! As time went on, I realised that I wouldn’t. And I realised that my life calling wasn’t limited to the role I had served in for over two decades. 
 
Now, 11 months on, I am loving life again and finding fresh joy in coaching church and business leaders, as well as speaking at various churches and conferences, without the burden of also leading a large church. That required some tough choices … but it was well worth it.
 
How is life and work going for you? You have far more power and freedom to determine your future than you realise. I urge you to “go with your strengths” … even if it requires making some big changes in your life or vacation. You’ll be glad you did … and so will those close to you. Plus, the world will be a much better place. 
 
P.S. For further reading about going with your strengths, check out Marcus Buckingham’s excellent book, “Go Put Your Strengths to Work.”
Mark Conner Leadership, Relationships

The Art of Coaching (Part 3)

Coaching

Graham Alexander developed a simple but effective model (or mental map) for sequencing good questions. It is called The GROW model and it was first published by John Whitmore.

The Grow Model

Coaching-graphic

  • GOAL – “What do you want? What are you trying to achieve?”
  • REALITY – “What is happening? What action have you taken so far and what were the effects?”
  • OPTIONS – “What could you do? What are the alternatives?” Seek possibilities, not one solution.
  • WILL – “What will you do? When will you do it? What obstacles will there be? How can I help?”

This requires active listening so as to gain clarity on the issues. The coaching cycle is ongoing and includes celebrating progress and ‘wins’ along the way. Encourage small steps towards a person’s goal.

This coaching model is very powerful and can be used informally in any conversation, including with family members, friends and even with ourselves as we reflect on our own lives. The power is in the questions. They help to raise awareness and then build responsibility, both of which are the key to life change and significant achievement.

Conclusion

Through effective coaching, we can help to develop the potential of the people around us, achieve our goals, and enjoy the journey together. You can be a coach! Try it today and reap the rewards of helping others reach their goals and their potential. 

Mark Conner Leadership, Relationships

The Art of Coaching (Part 2)

Coaching

The coaching process involves two aspects: (1) raising awareness and (2) building responsibility.

Creating awareness is all about helping the individual see themselves ("self-awareness") and their situation (what is happening around them) accurately. People can only deal with what they are aware of. Without awareness, no true change or progress can be made.

John Whitmore says that “a coach is not a problem solver, a teacher, an advisor, an instructor or even an expert; he or she is a sounding board, a facilitator, a counsellor, an awareness raiser.”

Building responsibility is the next step. Until an individual accepts and takes responsibility for themselves and their situation, no change will occur. Telling someone to be responsible for something doesn't make them feel responsible for it. People have to choose to be responsible.

The Power of Questions

Good questions are the best tool for raising awareness and building responsibility because asking is more effective than telling.

Bob Logan says, “Good coaching isn’t the art of giving good answers; it is the art of asking good questions.” 

Questions are a powerful way to develop people.

Even the Bible highlights the impact of questions. God himself often asked questions when in conversation with people (see Genesis 3:8-9). Jesus, although he had so much to say, often used questions when talking with people (see John 1:35-38). Precision questions go straight to the heart. Jesus used questions not because he needed an answer but in order to bring a person to a new level of understanding.

Questions help build relationships, are a key to creativity and problem-solving, enhance education and learning, and are an aid to personal growth. After all, experience is not the best teacher; only reflection on experience turns experience into insight.

Today, why not shift from a 'telling' approach in your relationships and try more of a 'question-orientated' approach, followed by attentive listening. You will notice a remarkable change in your relationships and your effectiveness in helping others grow and achieve their goals.

Tomorrow (in part 3): A Model for Coaching.

Mark Conner Leadership, Relationships

The Art of Coaching (Part 1)

Coaching

In many ways, all of us are leaders. We influence others – family, friends, neighbours and school or work associates. It may be formally or informally, but it happens. We get to choose whether that influence is positive or negative, helpful or unhelpful. 

Leaders engage in a number of activities when interacting with other people, including communication, planning, problem-solving, directing, training, assisting, mentoring or coaching. People, including ourselves, rarely achieve their potential without the help and input of other people. 

Today let's talk about coaching. 

In his excellent book Coaching for Performance, John Whitmore defines coaching as: “unlocking a person’s potential to maximise their own performance. It is helping them to learn rather than teaching them.” Good coaches think in terms of a person’s future potential, not just their past or current performance.

Through a business fable entitled The Coaching Conversation, Brian Souza identifies four types of managers:

  1. The Nice-Guy Manager,
  2. The Do-it-all-Manager
  3. The Micro-Manager.
  4. The Coach.

He suggests the following three steps:

  1. Change your approach – stop acting like a manager and start acting like a coach. Change your mindset to focus on other people's success, not just your own.
  2. Create an environment that is conducive to coaching. A relationship built on trust and good rapport is a vital part of this. 
  3. Transform the conversation into a weekly constructive coaching conversation. It's take more than an annual review to bring out the best in people!

He goes on to say:

  • As a coach the more you give, the more you’ll get. The more you care, the more your team will contribute.
  • Great coaches consistently get the most out of their people because they consistently put the most into their people.
  • As a coach, the only way you can achieve your potential is to first help your team members achieve theirs.
  • Coaching is not merely something that you, as a manager, must do. A coach is someone that you, as a leader, must become.
  • When all is said and done and we’ve completed this journey we call life, what will matter most is not what we have achieved, but rather who we have become.

Here are a few reflection questions around the theme of coaching:

  1. Who has had the most positive influence on your life to date? What was it about them and their approach toward you that helped you the most?
  2. Have you ever thought of yourself as a 'coach'?
  3. Who around you could benefit from more of your interest in their life?
  4. What are some of the potential joys of coaching?
  5. What are some of the potential challenges?

In many ways, coaching is an art form. It is something that we can develop and learn to do better. 

Tomorrow (in part 2) we will look more closely at the actual coaching process. 

Mark Conner Personal Development

10 Tips for Being More Productive

Pd

I love achievement – getting things done. There is a certain joy and sense of satisfaction in ticking off a job on my task list. Because of this, I am always looking for ways to get more done in a day and to be more productive. I do this by talking to other high achieving people and reading books or articles on productivity. 

Here are my Top 10 Recent Learnings about Productivity:

1. Know the outcomes or results you desire for the year ahead. If you aim at nothing, you will be sure to hit it. Activity is not accomplishment. Beginning with the end in mind is essential to success in any endeavour and remembering the big picture helps to keep you motivated each day.

2. Shift away from a lengthy task list and start making appointments with yourself. Record the things you want to do in your diary or Calendar. Research indicates that 41% of tasks on a to-do list never actually get completed, often because there is no note included as to how long the task will take. Why not change your approach! After all, what gets scheduled gets done.

3. Establish 2-3 "Most Important Tasks" for each day and focus on getting them done. Finish the day with a sense of accomplishment rather than feeling discouraged because of everything you didn't get done. Scheduling tasks in your Calendar with the allocated amount of time needed to accomplish each task clearly assists in this matter.

4. Don't prepare elaborate plans for complex projects. Simply review the project frequently and ask the question, "What is my next action?" Then schedule that. It's about "baby steps". Once you know WHAT you want and WHY you want it, the strategy of HOW to get there will emerge and can be adapted along the way.

5. Manage your energy not just your time. You can't be DOING things all the time. Quarantine your work to reasonable hours and, outside of that, learn to simply BE, enjoying your family and friends and engage in replenishing activities. 

6. Create times of focus without the lure of distractions or interruptions. Turn off your email (in fact, why not only check it 2-3 times a day?), social media and your phone. Concentrate on the task or project at hand for a good 90 minutes. You'll be amazed at how much you get done. Multi-tasking is a myth. It simple leads to doing multiple things poorly.

7. Schedule a weekly appointment with yourself to review the previous week and plan the coming week. I take 60-90 minutes for this first thing every Monday morning and it is one of my most effective habits of productivity. 

8. Schedule time each week to clear the clutter. A clean desk, an empty inbox, or an organised desk directly affects the clarity of thinking you will experience. 

9. Review your commitments and get release from those that are no longer important or valuable to you. When you say YES to something you are saying NO to something else. NO is a very positive word and we need to learn to say it more frequently … with a smile and without feeling guilty. By reducing your task list or things that you are committed to, you free up valuable time to engage with what is more important. Don't do everything right, just do the right things.

10. Take a few regular breaks in your work day. Sometimes the best thing you can do is STOP working and do something else for a few minutes. Take a walk, drink a glass of water, eat an apple or read a magazine article. When you return to your task or project at a later time, you will notice a fresh amount of energy and effectiveness. 

If you want to learn more and dive a little deeper, here are some recommended resources: 

Here's to an enjoyable and productive week!

Mark Conner Food and Drink, Personal Development

What’s for Dinner?

Bowl-vegetables-1280_0

So, what's for dinner?

It's a question that comes up most days in most families. 

Personally, I love good food and I have always eaten plenty of it. As a kid growing up, my mother didn't let my sister or me leave the family dinner table until our plate was cleared. It's a habit I still have to this day. In fact, I have been known to help other people finish their plate too!

Over the years, I have developed a taste for all kinds of food and, after marrying Nicole over 30 years ago, my appreciation for different types of cuisine has only expanded. We love Italian, Indian, Japanese, Moroccan, Thai, Mexican, you name it. 

In recent years, I have struggled with keeping my weight to a desirable level (see my Weight Loss Musings). Also, my family has a history of heart disease and high cholesterol. As a result, I have become more conscious of the kinds of food I eat, as well as the quantities. 

Over the last 3 months, Nicole and I have moved to a more "whole-food, plant-based" diet which is now becoming a new lifestyle for us. We are both feeling better, I have lost more weight, we have more energy, and our cholesterol levels are down. The trigger for me was becoming more aware of some of the latest research on diet and how it affects our health and well-being. Two resources were particularly helpful:

Forks Over Knives: The Plant-Based Way to Health

The Forks over Knives documentary produced in 2011 brings together the latest research in health and science, exposing many of the myths we have grown up believing, particularly about meat ("You need your protein!") and dairy ("Drink your milk for your daily intake of calcium"). It's worth watching and discussing with your family. There is also a New York Times best-selling book by the same title, a cookbook with over 300 recipes of delicious meals, an APP with heaps of recipes, and lots of other helpful resources on the related web site.

How Not To Die: Discover the Foods Scientifically Proven to Prevent and Reverse Disease

This book is a real eye opener. Here is the description:

Why rely on drugs and surgery to cure you of life-threatening disease when the right decisions can prevent you from falling ill to begin with? "How Not To Die" gives effective, scientifically-proven nutritional advice to prevent our biggest killers – heart disease, breast cancer, prostate cancer, high blood pressure, diabetes – revealing the astounding health benefits that simple dietary choices can provide. Based on the very latest scientific research, "How Not To Die" examines each of the most common diseases, chapter by chapter, to reveal what, how and why different foods affect us and how increasing our consumption of certain foods and avoiding others can dramatically reduce our risk of falling sick and even reverse the effects of disease.

Most people I know want to live a long life but what about quality of life? Health is energy and energy is essential for living the life we desire. Therefore, it is worth investing the time and effort to learn about health in our increasingly obese and addictive culture. 

Here is my challenge to you:

1. Watch the documentary Forks Over Knives and/or read one or both of the above books. Reflect on what you learn. I guarantee you will be motivated to make some positive changes in your life. 

2. Eat out less, then cook more at home by adding a dozen new healthy recipes to your cooking repertoire for your family (do an internet search for the ‘best vegetarian or vegan recipes’ or pick up a new cookbook from your local bookstore or download an APP such as ‘Deliciously Ella’). Food doesn't have to be full of sugar and artificial ingredients to be delicious. 

3. Next time you do go out to eat, choose a vegan option. You'll be surprised at how delicious it is. 

As a result of taking these three simple steps, I believe that you will experience better health, longer life … and you will be kinder to the planet and to all creatures great and small.

So, what's for dinner?

Mark Conner Personal Development

Making the Most of a New Year

New-Years

Well, here we are – a new year! It's 2018 now and 2017 is in the history books. My, how time is flying. Anyone remember Y2K!? The turn of the century sure had its share of sensationalist debates about the future. Almost two decades on, we are still here and our world continues to be full off challenges … and opportunities. 

So how do you make the most of a new year?

At the beginning of any new year, I have found it very helpful to do three things:

1. Look Back.

The famous Greek philosopher, Socrates, once said that the unexamined life was not worth living. It is so easy to just keep on going without thinking – from moment to moment, from day to day, from weekend to weekend, and from year to year. However, experience alone does not teach us anything. It is only experiences that we reflect on that become insight for living better lives. I encourage you to set aside an hour or so and look back over last year. Here are a few questions that can assist you:

  • What went well that you can celebrate?
  • What didn't go so well?
  • What would you do differently if you had the year all over again?
  • What are you grateful for?
  • What lessons did you learn?
  • What relationships were the most helpful to you?
  • What toxic relationships do you need to get rid of … or at least quarantine?
  • What would you like to do less of?
  • What would you like to do more of?

If you can capture the wisdom from the answers to these questions and integrate them into your life, what a difference that can make.

2. Look Around.

Have a good look around you right now. How is life going for you .. really? What is your 'current reality'?

Think through every area of your life and ask yourself how satisfied your are with it. This includes your physical health, your emotional well-being, your spiritual life, your personal growth, your relationships, your finances and your vocation.

Avoid getting stuck in denial ("Everything is fine!") or in discouragement ("I hate my life!").

The good news is that life doesn't have to stay as it is now. You can change. Your decisions, not your current conditions, determine your future. 

3. Look Ahead.

This new year is like a blank page, a new chapter in your book of life, and a plethora of possibilities waiting to happen. Rather than making a heap of new year's resolutions or setting another 10 goals to add to your already overgrown task list, why not think about who you want to be a year from now. Where do you want to be? What do you want to have achieved? Think about the outcomes you desire and the results you want to see. Choose ones that inspire and motivate you. Begin with the end in mind. 

Last week, at our family lunch on New Year's Eve, we went around the table and each family member completed the statement, "This time next year …" It was a fun and inspiring time listening to each person's dreams and aspirations. Now we can cheer each other on and hold each other accountable (kind of like positive peer pressure!) for making the changes and achieving the goals we desire throughout the year.

Once you have a clear picture of the outcomes and results you want at the end of this year (new habits or desired achievements), write them down and keep them somewhere highly visible (on your mirror, your office wall or a computer screensaver). Then schedule regular reviews (weekly, monthly, quarterly) to ask yourself what your 'next action' is to make them a reality, as well as to review your progress. 

Conclusion

These three things won't happen unless you make time for them. You can't do them on the run. Make an appointment with yourself. The time invested in this kind of activity will have huge returns for you in this new year. After all, you only have one life to live and each day is a gift. Seize the moment and live it to the full.

Here's to your best year yet!