Mark Conner Personal Development, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 05 – Emotions

Hi everyone and welcome to Soul Food Episode number 5. 

[You can watch it on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube Channel or visit https://linktr.ee/markconner for other social media platforms]

We are currently talking about stress, with a specific focus on internal stress – the stress we carry on the inside of us. It’s one of the most subtle but dangerous types of stress.

Internal stress comes from a variety of sources. One of those, which we talked about last week, is something called unrealistic expectations. 

Another source of internal stress is emotions that we ignore or that can sabotage us if not responded to appropriately. 

Emotions are a bit like the weather – they come and they go and each of us has a huge range of emotions on any given day. Many of our emotions are what we could call ‘positive’, but feelings of anger, worry, fear, resentment, discouragement, hatred, guilt, jealousy, and sadness are also part of what is means to be human. Sometimes we can view emotions such as these as ‘negative’ and think that we shouldn’t have them. We then try to ‘fix’ them or eliminate them as quickly as possible and start thinking more ‘happy thoughts’.

I like to see emotions are indicators. They tell us what is going on beneath the surface. If you are driving your car and a red light starts to flash on your dashboard, you don’t get a hammer out and smash it, yelling “Stop bothering me!” No, the red light is your friend – it is letting you know that something needs your attention. 

In the same way, we don’t want to allow emotions to dominate our life stories and what we hope and dream for, but we also don’t want to ignore them or suppress them. Pay attention to your emotions. Feel them fully. Consider what your emotions are trying to tell you. If we ignore our emotions or push them down, then they can create ongoing internal stress inside of us. 

I was shopping the other day and got a shopping trolley with one wheel that didn’t work. How annoying is that! It was squeaking and was squealing. It’s very draining! One emotion having a negative affect inside of you is just like that. It saps your energy and causes internal stress. 

Once we have noticed and acknowledged our feelings, a helpful way to process our emotions is talk to a safe person about what we are feeling. The very act of externalisation helps us to unpack and better understand our emotions. As we hear ourselves talk about our feelings, we often gain insight about what is going on inside of us. 

That’s why counselling and coaching can be so helpful in our life’s journey. 

So if you are stuck dealing with draining emotions, then have the courage to ask for help. 

A funny story – a few years back my wife and I were driving on a gravel road out near the Cardinia Reservoir. As we were driving along we saw some emus. So we decided to stop and take some photos. I stopped our car, began to reverse and pull to the side of the road. Unbeknown to me, there was a huge ditch at the edge of the road and the car started to slide down it. Nicole got out and directed me. We went forward a little – and slid down further. We went back a little – a slid down further. We were stuck?

Who do you call? Not Ghost Busters! The RACV. So, I got on the phone and made the call. About 30 minutes went by during which Nicole and I had some ‘intense fellowship’ about my driving skills. Eventually, a beat-up 4-wheel drive came around the corner and stopped next to us. I proceeded to tell the driver, who had a few teeth missing, that we were waiting for the RACV. He said, “I am the RACV!” Anyway, he got his rope out and before we knew it, we were out of the ditch and on our way. 

What’s the point? It was pretty embarrassing for me to call for help. But if I hadn’t, we’d still be stuck there. 

So if your emotions are making a lot of noise, are constantly interrupting you, or are wreaking some havoc inside of you, please don’t ignore them. Listen to them. Give them your attention … and, if necessary, have the courage to make a call. Talk to a counsellor or a safe person who can help you process what you are feeling … so you don’t stay stuck. 

Let’s recap our main points:

That’s all for today. Once again, I’d love to hear some comments back from you and why not talk about this your emotions with your family and friends today.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week when we continue talking about dealing with internal stress. See you then!

To listen to a 20-minute message on ‘How to Nurture Your Emotional Well-Being’, visit Mark’s podcast channel.

Mark Conner Personal Development, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 04 – Internal Stress

Hi everyone and welcome to Soul Food – Episode number 4. 

[You can watch it on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube Channel or visit https://linktr.ee/markconner for other social media platforms]

Today I want to talk to you about stress – something we all have to deal with.  Stress means pressure. It’s a feeling of emotional or physical tension usually caused by some event that makes you feel frustrated, angry, nervous, or even in danger. A certain amount of stress is a normal part of life. But too much stress can be detrimental to our well-being.

The first kind of stress is external stress. It comes from outside of us – the world we live in, the people around us, the challenges and problems we have to negotiate, and the everyday circumstances of life. For most of us, there’s a fair amount of external stress we have to negotiate, especially during this current COVID-19 global pandemic.

But today I want to talk to you about internal stress – the stress we carry on the inside of us. 

You know, we all have different capacities when it comes to handling stress. Imagine you have 100 units of stress coping ability. That means you can handle up to 100 units of stress and still be okay. 

Here’s a simple diagram to illustrate this.

Yes, that’s a picture of me back when my hair was bright red.

In this example, as long as the stress in our life is 100 units or less, we can cope. But if it gets higher, we are in dangerous territory.

But imagine if we are using 80 of our stress coping ability units on internal stress. How much external stress can we handle? Not much! Only 20 units. 

Have you ever seen a person where a little thing happens to them, something minor, and they just lose it? And you think, “What was up with that!?” I’d like to suggest to you that it wasn’t the little thing – it was the fact that the little thing was one thing to many. It pushed them over the edge. 

So where does internal stress come from? Good question.

There are many sources of internal stress. Today I want to speak about one common one – unrealistic expectations. 

All of us carry unrealistic expectations – about ourselves, about other people, and about life in general. And this creates stress on the inside of us. 

I remember talking to a counsellor once about my task addiction. He asked me if I used a task list. I said, I sure do and its a really long one. He asked what I did when I finished the day and hadn’t completed the list. I told him I simply transferred the tasks to the next day. We then explored how my unrealistic expectations about what I could accomplish in a day often left me focused on what I HADN’T DONE rather than celebrating what I HAD done. I’ll never forget him asking me what it would be like to only make a list of what I COULD realistically accomplish in a day.

I remember becoming a leader of a church when I was quite young. My expectation was that I would be able to solve all of the problems in the church. But I found that as soon as I worked through one issue, another set of problems arrived at my doorstep the next morning. I had to adjust my expectations to the fact that life is simply a series of challenges we have to work through. 

Well-known business consultant Jim Collins recommends that businesses set 5 new goals for each new year AND decide to STOP doing 5 things (see Jim’s insightful article on creating a Stop Doing List). The fact is that most businesses and most people only ADD more and more and never STOP doing things … creating all sorts of unrealistic expectations that are impossible to achieve.

What about you? What are your unrealistic expectations?

Do you expect to always have it together, to never fail, to never make a mistake? Do you expect everyone to like you, people to always be nice, and everyone to think just like you do? Do you expect every item on your shopping list to be in stock at the store, the sun to always shine, nothing to ever break, and COVID-19 to be over next week?

Unrealistic expectations create stress on the inside of us … and limit our ability to handle the inevitable external stresses that come our way. 

What would it look like for you to adjust your expectations – to embrace some ‘reality thinking’?

Let’s recap our main points:

That’s all for today. Once again, I’d love to hear some comments back from you and why not talk about this internal stress with your family and friends today.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner.

See you next week when we continue talking about dealing with internal stress.

See you then!

Mark Conner Personal Development, Spirituality

The Lost Art of Meditation

Mention the word ‘meditation‘ today, and for many people, especially Christians, it will evoke images of someone sitting in a yoga pose with their eyes closed and endlessly chanting ‘ohm’. Meditation tends to be associated with Buddhism, exotic Eastern cults, or new age philosophy. Yet the practice of meditation has strong historical roots for people of other faiths, including Christians and Jews.

In the Old Testament book of Genesis we are told this about Isaac …

One evening as Isaac was walking and meditating in the fields, he looked up and saw the camels coming.

Genesis 24:63. NLT

NOTE: This story took place hundreds of years before the Buddha lived.

Isaac was the son of Abraham, one of the wealthiest people in the East at that time. Abraham was probably a trader who had a huge extended family and an incredibly large amount of livestock and flocks. Isaac would receive all this through inheritance. His was a busy and full life – leading his family and managing his entourage at this nomadic time in history.

Despite his incredible workload, Isaac made time to get out of the tent, away from the family, and to ‘walk and meditate in the field’. Why would he do this? Because he understood the importance and the value of meditation. Good things come from solitude, quiet, and stillness.

The Hebrew word for ‘meditate‘ means to muse, to ruminate, to ponder, to analyze, to contemplate thoughtfully, to reflect, to consider deeply, and to imagine. It involves a focus on BEING or reflection, not just endless DOING or activity.

Today meditation is often referred to as ‘mindfulness‘ and it is an antidote to our activistic culture with its constant high speed, multi-tasking, and tendency to skim and hurry through everything. Not only is it practiced as an aspect of spirituality, but it is also being encouraged in the arenas of sport, business, health, and personal development.

Mindfulness is about being fully present at this moment, rather than stressing over the past or the future. It helps to cultivate a greater degree of awareness (learning to SEE) and attentiveness (learning to HEAR).

Why not take some time today to meditate. Set aside some extended time and space of NOT DOING. Find a pleasurable environment. Then adopt a posture of ready attention – without preoccupation or distraction. Focus on your breath, an inspirational quote, or a sacred text or Psalm.

Be still and know that I am God

Be still and know that I am

Be still and know

Be still

Be

Psalm 46:10.

You might enjoy reading the poem Morning Moments slowly at this time.

Quiet your busy mind. No rush. Wait. Listen. Look. Notice. Observe. Think. Meditate. Practice mindfulness. Have a time of Reflection. It will enrich your soul and enhance your personal well-being.

Let’s reclaim the lost art of meditation.

Mark Conner Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 03 – Mindfulness

Hi there. How are you?

Welcome to the third episode of my new weekly video case – Soul Food.

[Watch it now on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube Channel]

We’ve been talking about the importance of self care. Self care isn’t selfish. The best gift you can give the people around you, is you becoming a healthier person – in very area of your life. 

Last week, we spoke about the practice of Reflection.

Today, I want to talk about Mindfulness.

A recent TIME magazine article noted that distraction is the dominant condition of our age. We are a pretty stressed out generation, a direct result of our relentless multi-tasking culture. The answer? Mindfulness – taking time to be still, to stop the constant noise and chatter around us, and to be fully present in the moment. It’s a key to health and happiness.

The dictionary defines mindfulness as the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something. It means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment. When we practice mindfulness, our thoughts tune into what we’re sensing in the present moment rather than rehashing the past or imagining the future. It’s about paying full attention to what is happening … right here, right now … with a non-judgmental, curious and kind attitude. It means slowing down to really notice what you’re doing. Being mindful is the opposite of rushing or multitasking. When you’re mindful, you’re taking your time.

Mindfulness, or meditation, has been around for centuries. Often we associate it with religion or spirituality (see The Lost Art of Meditation) – but even the business, sport, and health worlds are seeing the value of it today.

It’s not necessarily easy … but it is worth it.

I like to consider the difference between rowing and sailing. To get across a lake you can row a boat. Rowing is about your effort, your exertion. We can accomplish a lot in life through active effort … though it can be tiring after a while.

Sailing is very different. There are things you still have to do – like get the boat on the water and hoist the sails. But if the wind aint blowing, you aint going anywhere. But if you catch the wind, you are in for the ride of your life. 

Sailing is all about watching, listening, and discerning what is happening in the environment or the atmosphere – then responding accordingly. 

To me, mindfulness is about learning to sail through my day, more than the automatic default of rowing. It’s about slowing down and observing what is happening. Mindfulness helps me cultivates a greater degree of awareness and attentiveness, two essential qualities for a meaningful life. 

As I said, this is NOT easy, especially for activistic task-orientated people like ME! But it’s worth it.

What not set aside some time today to be mindful. Stop what you’re doing. Find somewhere quiet and free from distraction or interruption. Go on – go ‘off the grid’ for a while! Then simply BE … in the moment. Focus on your breathing. When your mind wanders, which it will, simply bring it back to the present moment. You might want to listen to some instrumental music (experiment with one of the many mindfulness APPs), write in a journal, or focus on a positive or uplifting phrase or a sacred text. Start with just a few minutes each day, then go a little longer. 

Then throughout the day, endeavour to live more mindfully – whether its observing with greater curiosity what is happening around you, listening more attentively during a conversation with a friend, or simply eating a meal more slowly. 

Mindfulness matters. It enriches our experience of life. 

Let’s recap our main lessons from today’s episode:

That’s all for today. Once again, I’d love to hear some comments back from you and why not talk about this mindfulness with your family and friends today.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner.

See you next week when we talk the hidden danger of internal stress.

P.S. Visit https://linktr.ee/markconner for all my social media links.

Mark Conner Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 02 – Reflection

Hi there. How are you?

Welcome to the second episode of my new weekly video cast – Soul Food.

[You can watch it on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel]

Last week we began talking about the importance of self care. Self care isn’t selfish. In fact, the best gift you can give the people around you, is you becoming a healthier person – in very area of your life. 

One of the most important habits of self care is learning to pause – to stop … to reflect.

In his best-selling book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, author Stephen Covey tells a humorous story illustrating the difference between Leadership and Management. 

There is the group of people needing to travel through a jungle. The managers are there helping everyone cut a pathway through the thick undergrowth. They’re ensuring that the machetes are sharp, there are rosters rotating the people in work shifts, they’ve provided ample refreshments for the workers, and first aid, if necessary. They’re making really good progress … and the managers are really happy!

The leader is the person who climbs a tree, looks around and yells, “Whoops – wrong jungle!” But the managers are happy because they’re making such progress. 

What’s the point? Sometimes like can be like a jungle – there is so much to DO and we can easily get caught up in all of the endless activity of our lives. Every now and then we need to ‘climb a tree’ and check whether we are headed in the right direction. 

It is so easy to live our lives dominated by the Clock, always going faster and faster, trying to fit more activity into our allotted time each day.

But if we never look at the Compass, we will neglect giving attention to overall direction of our life. After all, going fast in the wrong direction is not success!

Personally, I don’t find reflection easy because I am such an activistic person. I can be ‘on the go’ from morning to night. But I have learnt the benefit of pressing pause on all of my hyper-activity … I love to sit in one of my favourite chairs around the house (like this one) … and simply be still and reflect … even for only a few minutes … It makes such as difference in my life.

If you have a bucket of muddy water, you can keep stirring and splashing it round and round and nothing much will change. But if you simply be still … and wait … over time the debris falls down to the bottom and clarity comes. You start to see things you couldn’t see before.

What about you? Do you ever stop? Are you ever still? Why not take some time today to be quiet, to be still, and to reflect. I think you’ll find it really nourishing … for you soul.

Maybe morning is best for you – taking some time to reflect about the day ahead and what you hope it will be like … before it gets started.

OR maybe evening could be more suitable for you … finishing the day by asking yourself some important questions like:“What went well today?” “What didn’t go so well?” “What did I learn?” “How could tomorrow be different?”

You know, despite popular opinion, experience isn’t the great teacher. It’s only experience that we reflect on that has the potential to become insight by which we make our life and our world better. We don’t want to simply pile up a heap of experiences but never learn from them.

So re-capping our main points from today’s episode:

Once again, I’d love to hear some comments back from you and why not talk about the practice of reflection with your family and friends today.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner.

See you next week when we talk about the benefits of mindfulness.

See you then. 

Mark Conner Family, Special Events

Happy Father’s Day!

Happy father’s day to all the dads out there. Becoming a father is one of the true joys in life. Let’s take time to thank, honour and appreciate all the dads in our life today.

This picture is of 3 of my fathers. In the middle is my dear dad, Kevin Conner. He never knew his father but did his best to be the father he never had to Sharon and me. I miss him. To the right is Richard Holland, a spiritual father to me who always believed in and encouraged me as long as I can remember. To the left is Len Meyer, my father-in-law. He doesn’t like attention. But he is one of the kindest, smartest, humblest, and most generous people you will ever meet. Love you, Opa!

Mark Conner Soul Food

Soul Food with Mark Conner

Hi there. how are you?

Today sees the release of the first episode of my new weekly video – Soul Food.

It’s new. It’s different.

SO what is Soul Food? 

  • It’s not a lengthy podcast – there’s heaps of them you can subscribe to. 
  • It’s not a in-depth lecture – you can find them about any topic you want nowadays.
  • It’s not another sermon – there’s plenty of those you can listen to every Sunday. 

Soul Food is a brief talk about something that will help your soul – your inner world (what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling and what you’re dreaming about). Of course, what’s happening inside of us affects everything in our outer world. After all, life is lived inside out. 

And Soul Food is for everyone. I was a church minister for many years, so from time to time I’ll be quoting some wisdom from the Bible or talking about the life of Jesus – because that’s my background. But Soul Food is not just for Christians or even for religious people. It’s for humans – because we have so much in common … despite our different backgrounds, cultures and traditions.

Soul Food will be coming to you every Wednesday – right in the middle of the week – and it’s only a few minutes long – less time than it takes to eat your breakfast. 

I’m really excited about Soul Food … and I think you’ll enjoy it too.

Series 1 of Soul Food with Mark Conner is on the topic of Self Care (13 episodes).

Series 2 of Soul Food with Mark Conner is on the topic of Life Think (13 episodes).

Series 3 of Soul Food with Mark Conner is on the topic of Reboot (4 episodes).

Series 4 of Soul Food with Mark Conner is on the topic of Relational Intelligence (16 episodes).

Series 5 of Soul Food with Mark Conner is on the topic of The Stories We Tell Ourselves with special guest Nicole Conner (6 episodes).

To access transcripts of ALL episodes, visit the Soul Food category page.

Soul Food with Mark Conner weekly videos can be viewed on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel, Instagram TV, or Facebook.

Mark Conner Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 01 – Self Care

Welcome to the first episode of my new weekly video – Soul Food.

Read all about Soul Food and then view it on the ‘Soul Food with Mark Conner‘ YouTube channel, Instagram TV, or Facebook.

What a crazy time this is for our world, especially with the global COVID-19 pandemic. Here in Melbourne, where I live, a State of Emergency was declared by our Premier back on 16th March and we’ve had various levels of lockdowns ever since – that’s almost 6 months now and over 150 days! 

Right now we are near the end of a 6 week Stage 4 lockdown. It all feels a bit like an apocalypse movie. Lots of empty streets and people with masks. 

Here’s Nicole and I modelling some cool and very colourful fabric masks.

I’m still figuring out how to wear one of these things and not fog up my glasses!

Today I want to talk to you about ‘self care’. In times like this, it is vital that you give attention to our own well-being. 

Do you remember flying on an airplane? Before you take off, there are detailed safety instructions that we all give our full attention to. Right? Somewhere in there, we are told that, in case of an emergency, an oxygen mask will fall down, and who do you put it on? Yourself. 

Isn’t that selfish? Not at all! You know why? Because if you aren’t breathing, you’re of no use to anyone!

Self care is NOT selfish!

In fact, the best gift you can give the other people in your life, is you becoming a healthier person – in every area of your life. 

You might have heard the saying, “Don’t be weary in doing good.”

Most of us are doing good things. Our biggest challenge is NOT that we might do the wrong thing BUT that we can easily become weary – tired or fatigued – doing the right thing.

I’ve learnt this the hard way – as I’ve had to work through seasons of adrenaline exhaustion and burnout for living at an unsustainable pace at times and being so busy leading everyone else that I neglected myself.

Once again – self-care is essential!

For me, I enjoy a coffee first thing each morning then walking to our nearby park with Nicole and our dog, Nikki. I like to write in my journal. I also enjoy sleeping in occasionally, watching a good movie, reading an interesting book, playing the piano, cooking a delicious meal or watching my favourite sports team (when they’re winning, of course!). 

What could you do today to take care of yourself? To refuel your own tank? To nurture your own soul? Don’t be so busy looking out for everyone else around you that you neglect your own well-being. Invest in yourself – TODAY!

Self Care – that’s what we’ll be talking about for a while in this first series of weekly video messages.

So let’s summarise our main insights from today’s episode:

I’d love to hear some comments back from you and why not chat about this important topic with your family and friends. 

Finally, don’t miss next week as we talk about the valuable practice of Reflection. Be sure to subscribe … that way you won’t miss an episode.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner.

Take care and stay safe.

See you then!

Here is the full list of episodes in the Self Care series:

  1. Self Care
  2. Reflection
  3. Mindfulness
  4. Internal Stress
  5. Emotions
  6. Conflict
  7. Relationships
  8. Hobbies
  9. Personal Growth
  10. Sleep
  11. Exercise
  12. Diet
  13. Energy

Be sure to see the second series of Soul Food with Mark Conner called Life Think.