Category: Humour

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer saw a car puttering along at 26 KPH. He thinks to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he noticed that there were five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back … wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly … Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" … the old woman said a bit proudly. The police officer, trying to contain a chuckle then explained to her that 26 is the highway number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask … Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asked. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

A newly-hired travelling salesperson sent his first sales report to the home office. It stunned the management in the sales department because it was obvious that the new salesperson was ignorant and uneducated. This is what he wrote:

"I seen this outfit which they ain't never bot a dim's worth of nothin from us and I sole them some goods. I'm now goin to Chicawgo."

Before this man could be given the heave-ho by the sales manager, along came another report from Chicago:

"I cum hear and sole them haff a millyon."

Fearful if he did, and afraid if he didn't, fire the ignorant and uneducated salesperson, the sales manager dumped the problem in the lap of the president. The following morning, the ivory-towered sales department members were amazed to read a company-wide message from the president:

"We ben spendin two much time trying to spel instead off trying to sel. Let's watch those sails. I want everyone should read these reports from Gooch who is on the rode doin a grate job for us and you should go out and do like he done." 

Obviously, any sales manager would prefer a salesperson who can both sell and spell – however, there's no substitute for getting results. 

[Story from John Maxwell's book Developing the Leader Within You, p.26-27]

I found this on the internet the other day. It's a church joke with just a hint of exaggeration 🙂

The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone's feelings. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight, and is also the church cleaner.

The Perfect Pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church. He is 29 years old and has 40 years' worth of experience. Above all, he is handsome.

The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens. He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church. He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

The Perfect Pastor always has time for church meetings and all of its committees, never missing the meeting of any church organization. And he is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.

The Perfect Pastor is always in the next town over!

If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other churches that are tired of their pastor too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of your list. If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1,643 pastors. One of them should be perfect.

Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its' old pastor back in less than three months.

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span"

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed..

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjo y your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

I turn 50 later this year and I must admit, I already have the occasional 'senior moment' (or mental lapse). Here is the funniest senior moment I have ever heard of. This is supposedly a true account recorded in the police log in Sarasota FL.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropper her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs,I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then realised why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Morale of the story? If youre going to have a senior momentmake it memorable.

Being retarded is not something to laugh about … but this was actually reported by a school-teacher after the Christmas break. The teacher asked her young pupils how they
 spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.

They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. 
At their gate, there is a doll-house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! 
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. 
And they eat the same thing every night — early birds.

Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. 
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Priceless!

Irony is a form of humour that has been around for a long time. The dictionary defines "irony" as a "rhetorical device, literary technique or situation in which there is an incongruity or discordance that goes beyond the simple and evident meaning of words or actions."

Maybe looking at a few signs will easier to explain. See below … 

P.S. For those who are keen for more, check out the Friends of Irony web site. 

 

A 1st grade school teacher had 26 students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom with the first of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

 

While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic.

1.  Don't change horses until they stop running.

2.  Strike while the bug is close.

3.  It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.

4.  Never underestimate the power of termites.

5.  You can lead a horse to water but How?

6.  Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.

7.  No news is impossible

8.  A miss is as good as a Mr.

9.  You can't teach an old dog new Math

10.  If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.

11.  Love all, trust Me.

12.  The pen is mightier than the pigs..

13.  An idle mind is the best way to relax.

14.  Where there's smoke there's pollution.

15.  Happy the bride who gets all the presents.

16.  A penny saved is not much.

17.  Two's company, three's the Musketeers.

18.  Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.

19.  Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.

20.  There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.

21.  Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.

22.  If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.

23.  You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

25.  A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one …

26.  Better late than Pregnant

 

[Source: Rowland Croucher]

Check out this video clip from Worship House Media called 'God Pie.' We showed it last weekend at our church as we shared about the important topic of money. How easy it is for us to forget to honor God with our finances or to give him only our leftovers, if there are any. We must remember that God is the 'pie-maker.' All we have comes from him and we will be held accountable for how we use it. This requires us as his followers to get a good handle on our earnings, giving, savings and spending. Our money matters! May each one of us have both faith and wisdom and as we manage the resources God has entrusted to us [Full message summary here].

Here's a funny one about computers.

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to really understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those who sometimes get flustered by computers, please read on … If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

Continue reading “Computers” →

Hey Aussies … we need to lift our game. A recent study revealed that Australia is one of the dirtiest countries in the developing world when it comes to hygiene. In fact, our kitchens have a higher level of bacteria than our bathrooms!

The Hygiene in the Home Study 2009 covered Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Australia, Germany, India, Malaysia, South Africa, Britain and America. Virology expert Prof John Oxford from the Hygiene Council says Australia has high levels of contamination in the kitchen. Kitchen cleaning cloths are the dirtiest item in the home, followed by the kitchen tap. The study found that toilet areas were relatively clean because they were considered important places to keep hygienic.

Prof Oxford says Australia is at the top of the league in regard to kitchens because 95 percent of cloths and 80 percent of taps contained high levels of bacteria. The study showed that only India and Malaysia were worse than Australia when it came to contamination.

What's up with this?

Okay, confession time … I have had a few clangers – or bloopers, as most people call them - in my life as a public speaker. These are embarrassing moments when you get your words mixed up or say something that has a different meaning than you intended.

Here are my Top 3 Bloopers - for your enjoyment:

1. "The church is a living orgasm …" [instead of "… a living organism …"]
2. "There were lots of people following Jebus, I mean Jesus …" [no comment necessary]
3. "A man came and did some staff training for us a few years back. He had three balls. He took them out and started juggling them …" [no additional comment necessary]

Yes, these were very embarrassing moments!

Here are a few other bloopers that I have heard, made by other people (whose name I will protect):

1. "… the diery farts of the wicked one …" [instead of "… the fiery darts of the wicked one …"]
2. "… I was so tired and puffed out that I was grasping for breasts …" [instead of … "gasping for breath"]
3. "… Lot was pinching his tits …" [Instead of "… pitching his tents." Click here to view the evidence]

How about you?

Have you heard any others?

I'd love to hear your comments … 🙂

 

P.S. For some church bulletin bloopers, click here.

P.S.S. For some 'prophetic bloopers', click here.