Category: Humour

We have all learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of modern life. But have you wondered, "What if God decided to install voice mail?"

Imagine praying and hearing this: "Thank you for calling My Father’s House. Please select one of the following options:

• Press 1 for requests
• Press 2 for thanksgiving
• Press 3 for complaints
• Press 4 for all other inquiries

What if God used the familiar excuse, "I’m sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line."

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call God in prayer:

"If you would like to speak to …

• Gabriel, Press 1
• For Michael, Press 2
• For a directory of other angels, Press 3
• If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding please press 4.
• To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her Tax File number, then press the pound key. (If you get a negative response, try area code 666)

"For reservations at My Father’s House please enter J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6"

"For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah’s ark is, please wait until you arrive here."

"Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow."

"This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again Monday after 9:30 AM. If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local pastor."

Thank God He doesn’t have voice mail and he listens when we pray!

[Author Unknown]

Little Johnny desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas. His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, but Johnny decided to go one better.

"Dear Jesus", he wrote. "If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I won’t fight with my brother Peter for a year." Then Johnny thought, "Oh, no, Peter is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise." So Johnny threw away the letter and started again.

"Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year." Then Johnny thought, "Oh, no, that means spinach, broccoli and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise."

Suddenly Johnny had an idea. He went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family’s statue of the Virgin Mary (Johnny grew up in a Catholic family). Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspaper and stuffed it into a grocery bag. He took the bag upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the package in the farthest, darkest corner. He closed the closet door.

He then took a new sheet of paper and wrote, "Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again …"

[Source Unknown]

I’m not into toilet humour … really! … but I couldn’t resist this one … and my wife says that it’s true.

Women and Public Toilets

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a queue of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you proceed in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won’t latch.

Continue reading “Women and Public Toilets” →

Some humour for the day … (with no offence intended to the Baptists!)

A very proper lady began planning a week’s camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn’t bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "does your campground have its own "B.C.?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn’t figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply. 🙂

Continue reading “Basic Baptist Bathroom” →

Some humour for the day … a letter from poor grandma …

"The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a Honk If You Love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘for the love of God, GO! GO!’  What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Queensland back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach …

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and I gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!"

[Source Unknown]

The recent movie Evan Almighty takes a humorous modern-day approach to the well known story of Noah building an ark in response to God’s command.

Let’s face it, Noah had quite a task! Of course if he was building in today’s environment, it would be even more difficult.

Here’s a funny parody … enjoy!

Continue reading “Noah and the Ark” →

You’ve got to love children. They have such a great sense of humour. No wondered Jesus loved them.

I love the story about Jesus and some children that is recorded in the Gospel of Mark (10:13-16) … "One day some parents brought their children to Jesus so he could touch them and bless them, but the disciples told them not to bother him. But when Jesus saw what was happening, he was very displeased with his disciples. He said to them, ‘Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I assure you, anyone who doesn’t have their kind of faith will never get into the Kingdom of God.’ Then he took the children into his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them." [NLT]

Here are a few of my favourite children’s letters for your enjoyment …

• "Dear God, In Sunday school they told us what you do. Who does it when you’re on holiday?" [Jane]
• "Dear God. Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?’ [Lucy ]
• "Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don’t you just keep the ones you got now?" [Mary]
• "Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy." [Joyce]
• "Dear God. Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother." [Larry]
• "Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions." [Ruth]
• "Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it." [Nancy]
• "Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your idea." [Donna]
• "Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister." [Arnold]
• "Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won’t be there." [Stephen]

[Source Unknown]

Some gender-related humour … for your enjoyment …

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it’s the only type of cooking a ‘real’ man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL .

More routine….

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine….

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ‘her night off’. And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women … "

[Source Unknown]

At our church we believe in the ministry of prophecy. God still speaks today, not at the authoritative level of Scripture, but to bring strength, comfort and challenge to people’s lives (see 1 Cor.14:3). Recently, we had a time of prophetic ministry over 250 of our church leaders and we’ve received many excellent reports about the positive impact that this had. We encourage each person to listen to the audio CD of the prophecies with someone, so that each prophetic word can be judged appropriately. The apostle Paul tells us not to treat prophecies lightly, but to test them – holding on to what is good and right, and letting the rest go (see 1 Thess.5:19-22).

On the humorous side, a friend of mine, Pastor Joseph Garlington, has collected a number of ‘prophecy bloopers’ over the years. I’m not sure how many of them actually took place, but they are a good laugh anyway. Here they are …

Continue reading “Prophetic Bloopers” →

Did you hear about the two guys who went golfing … the one guy hit the ball right down the middle of the fairway about 150 metres. He was so excited … he had never been down the middle of the fairway in his life. He was so excited … he got down to where his ball was and … not only was it 150 metres down the fairway, it had rolled up on top of an ant hill. So it was teed up about 2 inches for him. So he grabs his wood, he is so excited. He’s never been here before. He’s never had this opportunity before. He takes that club (a 3 wood) and swings as hard as he can and he misses the ball. He kills 5000 ants in this ant hill.

He can’t believe it – he killed 5000 ants, but the ball stayed on top of the ant hill. God must be in this – He wants me to hit a great shot. So he grabs his club and swings again, misses again and kills 4998 ants. Now there had been 10,000 ants in this ant hill and there were only 2 ants left.

And one ant looked at the other ant and said, "I tell you what, if we’re going to survive, we had better get on the ball!!"

[Source: John Maxwell]

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well," said the farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns." "Praise choruses", said his wife, "What are those?" "Oh, they’re OK. They are sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer. "Well, what’s the difference?" asked his wife. The farmer said, "Well, it’s like this – If I were to say to you, "Martha the cows are in the corn" – well that would be a hymn. If on the other hand, I were to say to you, "Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN." Then if I was to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that would be a praise chorus."

The next weekend, his nephew, a young, new Christian from the city came to visit and attended the local church of the small town. He went home and his mother asked him how it was. "Well," said the young man, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs." "Hymns," asked his mother, "What are those?" "Oh, they’re OK. They are sort of like regular songs, only different," said the young man. "Well, what’s the difference?" asked his mother. The young man said, "Well, it’s like this – If I were to say to you, "Martha, the cows are in the corn," – well, that would be a regular song. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

Continue reading “The Difference between a Chorus and a Hymn” →

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quietened down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

This is a copy of a letter that was written to insurance company who wanted complete explanation by an injured man to explain the many injuries (he had a fractured skull, severe lacerations on his hands, legs had been broken) and all he had written for an explanation as to how he had had the accident was "I lost my presence of mind". This is how he answered…

"I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a 6-storey building. When I completed my work I discovered I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building where I was working at the 6th floor level.

Securing the rope at the ground level I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground floor and untied the rope holding it tightly to ensure the slow descent of 500 pounds of bricks. You will notice on the report that I way 175 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, as I told you, I lost my presence of mind. I forget to let go of the rope. Needless to say at a rather rapid rate I proceeded up the side of the building. Somewhere near the 3rd floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and the broken collarbone …

Continue reading “… And You Thought You Had a Bad Day” →