Relationships Archives - Page 3 of 9

July 1, 2017 Mark Conner Relationships, Theology

The Priority of LOVE (Part 4) – Awkward Love

The Christian God exists eternally in a Trinity of loving relationships – Father, Son, and Spirit. God created us as the object of his love and invites us to participate in a community of loving friendships. As we fully understand how much God loves us, we are able to love others from a strong foundation of acceptance, significance, security, and purpose.

A Community Characterised by Forgiveness
Because of sin, loving others is not always easy. In fact, sometimes it is awkward. This is especially so when people act in ways that offend or cause hurt to us. Situations such as these provide an opportunity for us to obey God’s command for us to forgive others. When teaching his disciples to pray, Jesus told them to pray for forgiveness for their own sins while also ensuring that they had forgiven others. Failure to forgive others affects God’s forgiveness of us (Matthew 6:9-15). Jesus went so far as to tell his followers to love their enemies (Luke 6:35-36). When giving instructions about his new community, the church, he emphasised the need for avoiding retribution and acting in mercy to forgive those who cause offense (Matthew 18:21-35). Jesus modeled his own teaching on the cross as he chose to forgive those who crucified him (Luke 23:32-34). The apostle Paul frequently affirmed the importance of forgiveness in his letters (Romans 12:16-21. Ephesians 4:31-32. Colossians 2:12-13).

Opportunities to Forgive
Have you ever been hurt by someone else? The truth is that everybody has been hurt by other people – many times, either intentionally or unintentionally. Inevitably, someone will step on your toes or ruffle your feathers (Luke 17:1). Hurt can come in the form of words (lack of kindness, unfair criticism, harshness, gossip or conflicts), unmet expectations (unfulfilled promises, disappointment, abandonment, rejection, injustice or lack of appreciation) or even physical abuse.

It’s not wrong to hurt. Pain and hurt are part of this life. They will come our way at some time or another – often beyond our control. We are all victims of sin in this world and we all carry its scars. Even the Biblical narrative frequently affirms this. Consider Josephs’ betrayal by his brothers and Jesus’ betrayal by Judas as two well-known examples.

When we are hurt, we have two options. Our first and natural response is often one of anger, bitterness, resentment, hatred or even revenge. We want to make the perpetrator pay. Unfortunately, this type of response stops the healing process, which results in dramatic effects on us physically, emotionally, relationally and spiritually. God did not intend for us to live with the destructive poison of bitterness on the inside of us. Lack of forgiveness destroys us, it takes away our joy, and it can give the devil a “foothold” or access point into our life (Ephesians 4:27).

The second possible response (the one God requires of us) is to forgive. To forgive means to let go, to pardon, to give up the right to revenge, to give up the desire to punish or get even, and to surrender our right to hurt the person back. We surrender vengeance and justice to God. We are called to forgive when someone repents and asks for it and even when they don’t, as Jesus did.

We are commanded to forgive, not just because it keeps us free from a tormenting prison of resentment, but also because God has fully forgiven us. We simply pass on the mercy and grace that we have so liberally received. Because we realize that we have been forgiven a debt that we could never repay, we are obligated to forgive others when they sin against us.

Common Questions about Forgiveness

1. “Is it wrong to be angry?” It is not necessarily sinful to feel angry. Anger is a warning system alerting us that something is wrong and needs our attention. The key is to not convert angry emotions into angry behavior. Allow your emotions to settle down then seek to address the situation calmly and seek a resolution. Make use of prayer and wise counsel.

2. “Is forgiveness conditional or unconditional?” Jesus commands us to forgive others whether or not they ask for it. We choose to have a forgiving approach to people, releasing them from our right to hurt them back. Whether they are forgiven or not will depend upon their own choices and responses. God holds each person accountable for his or her actions.

3. “Is forgiveness the same as reconciliation?” No, it is not. For reconciliation to take place, there has to be appropriate apologies and a rebuilding of the relationship, which requires an effort from both parties. You may never be reconciled to your enemy.

4. “Should I stay in an abusive relationship?” Abuse of any kind is contrary to God’s commands about loving relationships. Sometimes withdrawal or at least separation from a threatening relationship is necessary to protect your own well-being. Also, forgiveness does not mean that an offender is free from the consequences of their actions, especially if there are legal or criminal aspects to a situation.

5. “What about confrontation?” Choosing to be forgiving of others does not mean that we do not appropriately confront them about issues in a relationship. We are called to “speak the truth in love” and this means being appropriately assertive about our feelings.

6. “Do I have to forgive and forget?” Forgiveness does not require forgetting about an offense. Forgiving offenses doesn't remove the memory of the hurt but it is a vital part of a healing process that can remove the sting of the offense over time.

7. “If I forgive, what about the consequences for the offender?” Forgiveness does not necessarily mean there are no consequences for an offence. For example, in serious situations, legal consequences are sometimes necessary. Consequences have a protective, corrective and even restorative function. Through forgiveness we release those who have offended us from a personal desire for punitive retribution. However, while expressing forgiveness for past offences, it may still be necessary to protect the victim and society from further harm.

Response
Have you been hurt? You have a choice – hold on to it or release it to God. Ask God to give you his grace so that no root of bitterness establishes itself within your heart (Hebrews 12:15).

Believe that your act of forgiveness will release divine power into your life and into the situation. This is not about feelings. Forgiveness is an act of our will in response to God’s command. Because God has forgiven us we choose to forgive others. In fact, we can use other people’s hurts as a means of showing them Christ’s love. Ask God to give you a greater concern for a person after they have offended you than you had for them beforehand. Imagine the impact of a community of people willing to forgive as Christ has forgiven us.

Reflection Questions

1. Think about a time when someone really offended or hurt you. What happened and how did you feel? What has happened since?

2. How can we constructively handle and respond to angry emotions within ourselves?

3. Reflect on the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.

4. What are some steps we can take to become more grace-giving and forgiving people?

Next: The Priority of Love (Part 5) – Tough Love

June 30, 2017 Mark Conner Relationships, Theology

The Priority of LOVE (Part 3) – I Am Loved

The foundation of our love for others is a revelation of God’s love for us. The most important question in your life is not how much you love others or even how much you love God. It is how much do you think God loves you. Everything flows from this. Once we grasp and fully understand how much God loves us and allow that love to transform our lives, we are in a much better place to reach out in love to those around about us. In contrast, when we are unaware of God’s love for us, we can tend to relate to others from a point of need, seeking to get them to fill the emptiness in our own lives, an approach that often leads to disappointment and even dysfunction in relationships. Deep inside every human heart are all sorts of longings – for acceptance, for approval, for a sense of identity, for a sense of belonging, and for significance. We will do anything to fulfill these longings and desires within us. Ultimately, as St Augustine once said, “O Lord, our hearts our restless until they rest in thee.”

The Father’s Love
We come to God through Jesus – the One who is our Saviour and Lord. He came to earth, lived a perfect life, then died on a cross so that we could be forgiven and become children of God. Jesus described himself as “the way” – the way to the Father. Through Jesus we come to know God as our Father (John 1:11-13). The Holy Spirit then comes to live inside of us and fill us with the Father’s love so that His love is the foundation of our lives (Romans 5:5. Ephesians 3:14-19). It is so important that we fully consider the amazing love that God has for each one of us – not just in our heads (knowledge), but deep in our hearts (experience). This love of the Father for us is even greater than the love he has for us as our Creator (Psalm 139:1-18). John puts it this way: “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! (1 John 3:1)”

Our Foundation
Because of sin in our world and the disruption of the dance of loving community modeled by the Trinity, we often end up founding our life on anything BUT God’s love. Things such as rejection, fear, shame, inferiority, hurt, pride and jealousy can so easily take root, tainting our own heart and also those we are in relationship with. By God’s grace, we need to see these things removed from our heart and replaced with God’s limitless love. See yourself as the “the beloved” of God. “In Christ” you have identity and significance (to replace inferiority), value and worth (to replace performance-orientation), acceptance (to free you from approval addiction), security (to free you from fear), and purpose (to free you from meaninglessness).

Think of the many people in the Bible who were completely transformed, not by their own goodness or by anything they did, but simply by a revelation of God’s love for them – a depressed and suicidal prophet named Elijah, a Samaritan woman with five broken marriages, a hated tax collector named Zaccheus, a failed disciple named Peter, a prodigal son, a dying criminal next to Jesus on the cross, and even a religious zealot like Paul. Love made the change.

Loving Others
As we experience a greater fullness in our own heart and lives because of the love of God, we will find it easier to love those around about us. It will be an outflow of the love we already have in our hearts. Even Jesus was given an affirmation of the Father’s love for him just as he began his ministry (Mark 1:9-11). He knew he was “the beloved” – loved by God the Father.

As we receive God’s love into our heart we begin to accept ourselves, even in our imperfect and frail state. This enables us to obey the second great commandment, which is to “love your neighbour as yourself.” Many people struggle to love others because in reality they hate themselves and have no love inside to give out freely to others. There is an old song (1985) by Bill and Gloria Gaither with a lyric that says this: “I am loved, I am loved, I can risk loving you, for the One who knows me best loves me most … we are free to love each other, we are loved.” Unless we truly know that WE are loved, we will find it difficult to truly love others.

Receive God’s Love
The cross is the greatest demonstration of God’s love for us: “God so loved the world (you and me) that he gave his only Son … (John 3:16).” Jesus said that there was no greater love than for someone to lay down their life for their friends. He did that … for you. God’s love is not just for everybody in general but for you specifically, as an individual – just as you are, warts and all.

Wayne Jacobsen in his book He Loves Me! says this, “Two thousand years of religious tradition have inculcated in us the mistaken notion that God’s love is something we earn. If we do what pleases him, he loves us; if not, he doesn’t. Giving that up isn’t easy. Moving from a performance-based religious ethic to a relationship deeply rooted in the Father’s affection is no small transition.” He goes on to say, “Nothing in this book has any value if it is just an intellectual argument, or if it only spawns a theology of God’s love. It has meaning only if you can learn how to live loved – to awaken to each new day confident that the Father delights over you like a parent over his newborn child.” Finally, as Brennan Manning says, “Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.” He goes on to say, “My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it.”

Reflection Questions:

Consider your natural father. How has your relationship with him (or lack of it) influenced your understanding of God?
Reflect on the concept of ‘self-acceptance’. What does it mean for us as children of God?
Read Ephesians 3:14-19. What are indicators that our lives are increasingly founded on God’s love for us? What would be indicators that our lives lack this foundation?
How can we balance accepting and being kind to ourselves (through faith and grace) while also seeking to grow and change to be more like Jesus (character development)?
Read and discuss the quotes by Wayne Jacobson and Brennan Manning above then pray for a greater revelation of how much you are loved by God.

Next: The Priority of Love (Part 4) – Awkward Love

June 29, 2017 Mark Conner Relationships, Theology

The Priority of LOVE (Part 2) – Original Love

Relationships in Turmoil
Despite the fact that there are many good things happening in our world today, it doesn’t take a lot of insight to realize that we are a time of turmoil – especially in our relationships. At our very core, human beings are relational creatures. We have this tendency to ‘herd’ – to want to be together with other people. Deep inside, we have longings for belonging, for acceptance, for love, for intimacy and for meaning – all of which are found in a relationship with others. Yet despite our obvious need and our best efforts, there is evidence of fractured, broken and dysfunctional relationships everywhere: between and within nations, in the marketplace, in families, and even in the church.

The apostle John, one of Jesus’ closest followers, faced similar challenges in his lifetime. The Roman Empire of his day was ruthless, harsh and abusive, creating fear in every citizen’s heart. Even in the church, there were tensions, divisions, and conflicts. The threats from the inside were as great as the persecution from the outside. John was a pastor placed over a number of church congregations. What could he say? How would he address these relational problems? Let’s reads some of his words, no doubt inspired by the Holy Spirit:

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. [1 John 4:7-11. NIV]

For John, the remedy to the problem was to get back to the source of everything: God as love. He doesn’t use fear or guilt as a motivator. He painted a picture of God’s very nature. If they could only catch a fresh glimpse of God, as he really is, it could radically change their own hearts and lives. People grounded powerfully in God’s love are able to experience a transformation that will affect all aspects of community life … and ultimately the world.

The Dance of Divinity
We need a fresh revelation of GOD. It begins by looking at Jesus. In his gospel, Mark wastes no time in boldly declaring Jesus to be the “Son of God (Mark 1:1).” He then moves quickly to the scene of Jesus’ baptism (Mark 1:9-11). Here we see the Father, who is the voice; the Son, who is the Word in human form; and the Spirit fluttering like a dove. Mark is deliberately pointing us back to the original creation of the world. Creation and redemption are both the work of a Trinity, one God in three persons.

The Christian doctrine of the Trinity is that God is one God, eternally existent in three persons (Matthew 28:19. 2 Corinthians 13:14. Ephesians 2:18). This is a mystery and difficult for the human mind to comprehend. There are not three Gods. Neither is there one God posing in three different forms. Here are three persons, who in some amazing, mysterious way constitute one God.

In the Trinity, none is before or after the other, none is less or greater than another, none is subordinated in being or function to another. The members exist as three equal yet differentiated persons in the most intimate communion. There is a radical, relational, co-equality. C.S. Lewis puts it this way: “In Christianity, God is not a static thing … but a dynamic, pulsating activity, a life, almost a kind of drama. Almost, if you will not think me irreverent, a kind of dance.” Each person of the Trinity moves, flows, and draws life from the other in a community of perfect love. It’s the dance of divinity – sometimes called perichoresis by theologians (peri = around; choresis = to move or dance).

Implications for Human Relationships
The doctrine of the Trinity is not just a nice theological concept. Ultimately, it is a practical doctrine with radical consequences for the Christian life. The community of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit becomes a prototype of the human community God dreams of – a society of loving relationships reflecting the image of our Creator God. The Trinity can be seen as a model or pattern for our human relationships. We are called into this life, the Triune God in whom “we live, move and have our being (Acts 17:28).”

God invites us into this dance – not as the fourth person of the Godhead, but as part of his loving community. In contrast, evil forces seek to disrupt the dance, pulling us away from a trusting relationship with God. Our choice and our response have far-reaching implications, both now and for eternity.

What does an understanding of the very nature of the Trinity mean for us today? What are some “dance movements” that we need to learn? Here are a few: God calls to move away from isolation and towards community; from selfishness towards self-giving love; from discord towards unity; from suspicion towards trust; from exclusion towards inclusion, enlarging our circle of love. Yes, the Lord of the Dance calls us into the joyful rhythm of his loving community.

The quality of relationship we long for has always been part of who God is. More importantly, when the church community truly reflects the nature of Trinitarian love, its witness to the world will be the most powerful and effective. Experience the Trinity today. After all, the eternal God lives on the inside of you … because of Jesus …and by the Spirit.

Some Reflection Questions:

If God has existed in a loving community within for eternity, why did God create us?
Reflect on God as Trinity. What does it mean to you? How can you explain it?
Reflect on the picture of a “dance of Divinity.” How is this metaphor helpful?
How should our understanding of God as Trinity affect our human relationships: marriage, parenting, workplace relationships, and church community relationships? Discuss some of the “dance movements” above; come up with some more.
Francis Schaeffer once said, “Christian community is the final apologetic.” Do you think this is true and, if so, what are the implications for the church today?
What is the Father like? What is the Son like? What is the Spirit like? How can we grow in our relationship with each person of the Trinity?

Next: The Priority of Love (Part 3) – I am Loved

June 28, 2017 Mark Conner Relationships, Theology

The Priority of LOVE (Part 1)

The fairly new church in the bustling seaport city of Corinth back in AD 65 was booming. It was a dynamic charismatic and Pentecostal community attracting pagans and religious people alike. The meetings were pumping – inspiring worship times, sensational preaching, insightful teaching, as well as regular healings and miracles. It was the place to encounter God. The Holy Spirit was at work in powerful ways.

But something was wrong. In the midst of all the growth and hype about this church, a kind of spiritual cancer had subtly set in. Yes, it was good at pretty much everything … except LOVE. The apostle Paul, who founded this church, was annoyed, and rightly so. After all, LOVE was to be the central experience and practice of every follower of Jesus. LOVE was supreme and of primary importance.

In a letter to this church, Paul addressed various groups within the church who had developed a variety of priorities and pursuits other than LOVE (see 1 Corinthians 13:1-3).

To those pursuing more spiritual experience, he said, “If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.”
To those pursuing more knowledge, he said, “If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge … but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.”
To those pursuing more power he said, “If I had such faith that I could move mountains but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.”
To those pursuing acts of heroism he said, “If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.”

As interesting and as noble as these pursuits may be, Paul was concerned that secondary things had become of primary importance. His shock statements were intended to knock them out of their complacency in order to bring everything back into proper perspective. The core of the Christian life is LOVE. This is what matters most. We all need to be reminded of this every once in a while.

So tomorrow begins a series of BLOG posts reminding us of The Priority of LOVE – Original Love.

April 28, 2017 Mark Conner Contemporary Culture, General Interest, Personal Development, Relationships

Finding Happiness (Part 2): Strong Personal Relationships

The second factor that contributes to our happiness (read Part 1) is Strong Personal Relationships.

Each of us is born into a family and a desire for a sense of belonging is a part of what it means to be human. Although the introverts among us tend to be energized by solitude and alone time, most people enjoy meaningful conversation and are enriched by good friendships.

In many ways, relationships are spatial. Most people have lots of acquaintances, many 'friends' or people they know more about or do life together with, but usually only a few close or best friends. Like circles of friendship, the former are further away emotionally while the latter are in close proximity. The key is knowing who is where and how best your constellation of relationships functions in a healthy manner – for everyone concerned.

We find close friends by first being friendly with lots of people – enlarging our circle of acquaintances. Out of these casual connections, we often find people with common interests or who are of a 'kindred spirit' where there is a mutuality of commonality and enjoyment. With time and effort, close friendships can emerge. And what a gift a good friend is! Of course, to have friends one must be friendly and it is often in giving to others that we also receive.

How are your relationships going? Who are your friends? Who needs to be closer? Who should you be creating some distance from at the moment (not that you become rude to them but that their proximity is not benefiting either of you)?

What could you do to strengthen your existing friendships? What conversation do you need to have to take things to a deeper level?

What steps could you take to make some new friends? Where could you meet people with common values and interests?

In most relationships, we get out of them what we put into them. True love thinks about how the other person wants to be treated then grabs the initiative and treats them that way. It's called the "Golden Rule" and it enhances all relationships.

Tomorrow: Financial Control

For some additional BLOG post around the theme of relationships, see also:

April 20, 2017 Mark Conner Bible, Relationships, Theology

The Greatest Love Song of All Time (Pt.2)

Hopefully, you’ve had a chance to read through the Song of Songs – an extraordinary love poem.

How can we apply the insights from this love poem to our own lives today?

What efforts are you making to keep the romance of your love relationship alive? What things can you do to cultivate a greater desire for the one who you love?
In what ways can you further affirm the value and dignity of the opposite sex/gender?
Wisdom calls us to loving and exclusive commitment, not to a rampant promiscuity which turns sex into a mere commodity. Read Proverbs 5:15-19 and reflect on the impact of more readily available pornography on genuine love.
In the beginning, men and women were made as equal partners in life and vocation, both being given involvement in the reproduction and dominion mandates (Genesis 1:26-28). What steps can you take to work against the embedded hierarchy and patriarchy that still dominates our culture, including within the Christian church?
Society today often demeans sex from it's God given purpose while the church often suppresses open conversation about sexuality. How can we contribute to a more healthy openness about sex and love, in our families and communities?

April 18, 2017 Mark Conner Bible, Relationships

The Greatest Love Song of All Time (Pt.1)

Everyone likes love songs. They fill the radio waves throughout the day. I can still remember enjoying the crooning voice of Lionel Richie singing "Hello, is it me you're looking for?" in my late teens. There is something deeply profound about the desire and yearning of one person for another. We call it love.

The Bible contains many diverse types of literature, including poems, prophecies, narratives and of course, songs. The book of Psalms is literally a psalter, or collection of songs, expressing the full range of emotions of the human heart. But then we have that small little book at the end of the Wisdom Literature section called Song of Songs. That title means it is being declared as the best song of all. It's a bit like the phrase "holy of holies", which means the holiest of all holy places. This is the greatest song of all songs – and it's a love song, a sensual and erotic one at that!

That's pretty remarkable. This book is also unusual in the Bible in that it mentions God indirectly perhaps once (8:6), and most likely not at all. It also does not refer to the main Israelite traditions of the Exodus, the Torah (law), the covenants or the ancestors. Its central concern is about sexual love. It joyfully celebrates physical love and a couple's committed relationship. That should serve as a rebuke to Christians who find no place for love and sex in their Christian thinking and living.

Of course, conservative interpreters throughout the centuries found all of this a bit too embarrassing so resorted to an allegorical approach, rather than a literal one, declaring this as a love story between God and his people. One interpreter even declared the woman's breasts as representing the Old and New Testaments! Now there is some creative, mental gymnastics.

Before you start reading Song of Songs, maybe for the first time, here are a few pointers:

The date of composition is uncertain and the author of this song in unknown. Solomon has been thought to be the author by some but the inclusion of his name (most references are in the 3rd person and he never speaks in the text) could refer more to sponsorship or dedication. His reputation for womanising does not harmonise with the apparently exclusive devotion of the lovers in this text. Some have even proposed a female author, but it remains impossible to prove.
There are two main characters in the text – one man and one woman. There is no narrator intruding into the conversations. These persons are in love and the dialogue is charged with emotional content.
This is love poetry. The sequence of lyric poems form a series of episodes with some plot and theme development, but there are some abrupt shifts of scene and audience, which can be confusing and yet engaging at the same time. Poetic images abound – with heaps of simile and metaphor (many of them mixed!). There is much imaginative activity here. And the language can seem quite foreign to Western ears. There is military language (bodily parts being likened to towers, troops, banners, shields and warriors), architectural imagery (a house and a wall), family images, natural and agricultural imagery, wild animal images (the gazelle, stag, lion and leopard), specific geographical imagery (places as diverse as Kedar, Mount Gilead, Lebanon, En Gedi, Damascus, Hernon and Jerusalem), landscape elements (mountain, valley, garden, vineyard, orchard, pools and fountain), spices and incense, metals and gems, and frequent references to wine, suggesting the intoxicating nature of this love relationship. The regular blurring of a distinction between image and association (for example, shifting between an actual landscape and the landscape of the human body) only heighten the growing emotion of this love poem.
This book promotes a positive view of human sexuality, as a normal part of God's "very good" creation. These lovers express their desire for each other and speak of delight in each other's presence. Together or apart, each admires the other's body. As originally portrayed in the garden of Eden, they are "naked and unashamed" before God and each other (Genesis 2:25). They issue repeated invitations to each other. They are single-minded in their devotion to each other and their relationship. Most remarkable is the fact that there is no mention of procreation, showing that child-bearing is not the only legitimate aim of sexual relations.
There is a mutuality in this love relationship. In fact, this book is also unusual in the biblical library, in that it gives the central place to a woman's voice unmediated by a narrator. She is the speaker in the majority of verses and has the first and last words. There is no hint of hierarchy or patriarchy here. The man and woman are equals – in value and personhood. In fact, there is an interesting reversal to the Eden statement "your desire shall be for your husband" (Genesis 3:16) with the woman's declaration, "I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me" (7:10). [It is disappointing that some English translations have chosen the words "Lover" and "Beloved" to represent the male and female characters in this love poem since this implies male initiative and female passivity, which is exactly the opposite of what this love poem portrays.]
There is a time for love to awaken. The woman in this love poem speaks to "the daughters of Jerusalem" several times, repeating this advice/warning: "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" (2:7; 3:5; 5:8; 8:4). Love requires restraint at times, saying 'no' to the immediate in order to say 'yes' to what may be even better in the longer term. Yes, waiting and delayed gratification are part of a maturing love. Don't be too hasty in love.
Human love is a picture of the love God has for his people. The apostle Paul likens marriage to the relationship between Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:22-33). Therefore, we can include allegorical readings with literal readings of the Song of Songs, though it is not the sole purpose of the book.

Enjoy your reading! I love the Message Bible translation.

Part 2 tomorrow …

February 13, 2017 Mark Conner Contemporary Culture, Evangelism and Mission, Relationships

Who have you been eating with?

One day Jesus was having dinner at the home of one of the top Pharisees (the religious leaders of his day). As always, there was some lively and interesting conversation around the dinner table. Near the end of this meal, this happened …

Luke 14:12-14. Jesus turned to the host. "The next time you put on a dinner, don't just invite your friends and family and rich neighbors, the kind of people who will return the favor. Invite some people who never get invited out, the misfits from the wrong side of the tracks. You'll be — and experience — a blessing. They won't be able to return the favor, but the favor will be returned — oh, how it will be returned! — at the resurrection of God's people."

Who have you been eating with lately?

October 9, 2016 Mark Conner Church, Relationships, Theology

A Church United

John 17 is the longest recorded prayer of Jesus and it reveals what was important to him. After praying for himself (vs.1-5) and his disciples (vs.6-19), he prayed for all who would believe in him – for the church yet to born (vs.20-26). Nearest to Jesus’ heart was his concern for the unity of his followers. So how are we doing at being “united”, as Jesus prayed? The Centre for the Study of Global Christianity estimates that there were 34,000 denominations in the year 2000 rising to 43,000 in 2012. These are all “Christian” denominations, not those of other faiths or beliefs systems. All declare Jesus as Lord yet each has a distinct approach to areas such as leadership, structure, or a certain doctrine or emphasis. Some see themselves as right and others as wrong.

A Worldview Shift

Back in 1995, I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me about seven “strategic shifts” that the church needs to make in our time [these are outlined fully in my book Transforming Your Church]. One of the shifts is a “worldview shift” which requires us to shift from a narrow local church focus to a much broader kingdom mentality. The “kingdom” refers to God’s work in the world. It is the domain where God rules. God rules everywhere but the expression of that rule is yet to be fully revealed. That is why we continue to pray, “Your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” The “church” is a local expression of what the kingdom is like, made up of disciples of Jesus. It is local yet also global, made up of all true followers of Jesus. We are to preach the good news of the gospel and when people respond they are born into the kingdom of God then added to the church. God’s kingdom is much bigger than any expression of the local church. God’s work in the world is way beyond our small church community, as important as we may be.

How can we work towards helping Jesus prayer for the unity of his church become a reality?

1. Be Humble, not Proud. Each local church is special and unique and we should be proud of our church. It should be the best church – for us. However, we also need to value the uniqueness of others. No ministry or local church has it all or is God’s only instrument or the only one true church. We are a part of the body of Christ, which is made up of every Christian and every church that declares Jesus Christ as Lord. Humility demands that we have a sober or balanced view of ourselves. We all need each other. The Great Commission is too big for any one of us to fulfil. We need all churches and all Christian ministries working together to achieve God’s purposes. Praise God for the huge variety and diversity of ministries he is using today. After all, it takes all kinds of churches to reach all kinds of people.

2. Be Inclusive, not Exclusive. God desires us to seek to include others rather than exclude them. Christian love is expressed by an open, warm, embracing attitude toward other people, ministries and churches. We should look for common ground and not focus only on our differences (Philippians 1:15-18). God wants us connected to others, not isolated from them. God has called us to build bridges, not walls. In the Old Testament, there was only one nation of Israel, but it was made up of 12 different tribes, which were further made up of many different households and families. So it is in the church today. There are many different denominations, associations, networks and groups of churches and ministries. Each is unique and has its own distinctives, but we are all a part of the one true church. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ. We must avoid prejudice against other churches and ministries and watch out that we don’t develop stereotypes of other ministries based on gossip and hearsay, rather than personal experience.

3. Discern, Don’t Judge. It is sad to see the amount of people today who spend their time throwing mud at or criticising other Christian ministries, claiming that so-and-so is a false prophet or spreading heresy. Jesus does call us to discern ministries (by their fruit) but to go beyond this and place a judgment on a person is something we are strongly commanded not do. The apostles tell us to test all things, to hold on to the good, and let the bad go (1 Thessalonians 5:21-22. 1 John 4:1-3). The test is what people say about Jesus – who he is and what he has done. We should, however, place final judgement on nothing before its time (1 Corinthians 4:5. James 4:10-12). God is the true judge, and each person will stand before him (not us) and give account for all they have done. Christian love requires us to avoid a critical attitude that is quick to pull down and point out flaws in other people and their ministries (Matthew 7:1-5). We see this gracious attitude portrayed so beautifully in the advice that Gamaliel gave to the Pharisees when they were considering persecuting the early church (Acts 5:33-39). He told them that if a ministry was not of God, it would die down and come to nothing. However, if it was of God, they should leave it alone lest they be seen as fighting against God. We would be wise to take his advice today as we observe other ministries and churches.

4. Love, Don’t Hate. God has commanded us to love all people but especially other Christians who also love Jesus. We are to pray for God’s blessing on other churches and ministries. We are to rejoice when they thrive and sorrow when they struggle. We are working together for the benefit of God’s kingdom. We are not in opposition or competition with each other. We’re all on the same team. God is actually angry when we fight and hurt each other. Jesus said, “By this will all people know you are my disciples … by your love for one another” (John 13:35). God’s desire is that we come to the “unity of the Spirit” (Ephesians 4:3) and eventually to a “unity of the faith” (Ephesians 4:13). The world will know we are Christians by our love for one another, and that is demonstrated by how we relate to other churches and Christian ministries.

Conclusion

It’s a new day. God is breaking down the walls. He is bringing his body, the church, together as a mighty force in the earth. It will take the whole church, taking the whole gospel to the whole world, to complete the Great Commission. The last prayer of Jesus that we would all be one as he and the Father are one is one prayer that will be answered. Let’s work together for its fulfilment in our time.

Reflection Discussion Questions

Reflect on your experience with the local church. What churches have you been involved in and what have you learned from this experience?
Consider your experience with Christians from other churches. What have you learned and what do you appreciate about different parts of the body of Christ?
Read Mark 9:38-40. In what ways can we be like the disciples today? What does Jesus response teach us?
What are some ways we can avoid the isolation that comes by being totally consumed with only our own church and its activities, needs or concerns?
“Church-hopping” is a major problem today. What are some key factors a person would be wise to consider before changing churches?
In what ways is Christian unity a tremendous “apologetic” (witness, defence or explanation) for the good news of Jesus Christ?

September 29, 2016 Mark Conner Relationships

The Power of Encouragement

Someone once said that “encouragement is like oxygen to the soul”. Each one of us thrives in an environment of affirmation and encouragement. No one likes to be in an atmosphere where we are being torn down or ridiculed.

So think about what you are doing to those around about you. Are you encouraging them? Are you lifting them up with your words?

Occasionally, I’ll sit at a funeral and listen to the eulogy or the tributes that are given and often think, “I wonder if that person knew those things when they were alive?” Don’t wait until someone dies to tell them what you appreciate about them. Take the time now to express your love and your affirmation for them.

The Bible tells us that God the Father burst out of heaven at Jesus’ baptism and said “This is my Son in whom I am well pleased”. God is an affirming God and he wants you and I to do the same. Don’t just think good things about people. People cannot read your mind. Take the time, write a note, make a phone call, tell somebody how much you appreciate them today. Encourage them.

Encouragement is powerful!

September 22, 2016 Mark Conner Personal Development, Relationships

Emotional Intelligence

Well known psychologist, Daniel Goleman has done a lot research on the components of success, especially in the work place. His conclusion is that Technical Skill and Intellectual Intelligence (or IQ) are very important, but that the quality of Emotional Intelligence (or EQ), is the most essential. In fact, it’s twice as important as the other two attributes.

‘Emotional intelligence’ is: knowing how to relate well to a wide variety of people.

How do we do that? Well, Jesus gives us some great advice in Matthew 7:12 when he says, “Do for others what you would like them to do for you.”

Some people call this the “Golden Rule”. Jesus is basically saying to think about how you like to be treated. Think about the qualities and attributes that attract you to others, the ‘ideal friend’. We can also think about the qualities and attributes that repel us from others. You know, the ‘friend from hell’.

Think about how you want to be treated and then you take the initiative. You begin treating other people in that way.

Imagine a world where every one of us follows this basic principle of relationships.

August 10, 2016 Mark Conner Leadership, Relationships

The Art of Loving Confrontation

Life can be very rewarding and fulfilling. It can also be very difficult at times. Two of the hardest things to do are handling criticism and confronting people, not that we should love confronting people (!) but learning how to do so in a loving manner. The apostle Paul once wrote in Ephesians 4:15 that one of the marks of a mature church is the ability to “speak the truth in love”. Some people speak the truth but not always in a loving manner. Others are so loving that they never speak the truth. Finding the balance of doing both well is essential.

Being Lovingly Assertive

We all need to be lovingly assertive, when appropriate. Assertiveness is all about being able to assert your rights. Errors in this area can lead to a lot of relational problems. Christian counsellor Arch Hart notes that sometimes as Christians we have adopted a belief that says that it’s not right to be assertive. We should surrender our rights and even be willing to be wronged in the name of love. The key issue is how we define ‘assertiveness’. The truth is that you can be both loving and assertive. Of course, Christian love may involve choosing to sacrifice our rights when appropriate.

Over-assertive people lack tact and sensitivity, hurt other people, steam-roll their ideas and opinions, and tend to be autocratic (‘we’ll do it my way’). In contrast, under-assertive people can’t set limits, they can’t say “no” (without feeling guilty), they are easily manipulated by stronger people, they are unable to express feelings of anger constructively, they avoid conflict situations and shirk responsibilities, they are excessively apologetic (“Oh, I’m sorry!”), they can’t send clear and unambiguous messages, they experience anxiety and guilt when they do not assert themselves, and they tend to fantasise after the conversations (replaying the situation over and over). This often leads to passive-aggressive behaviour. They are always assertive in their imagination (fantasy) but never in reality. How many of us have said some real assertive things in our mind but never had the courage to speak them out! As a result, under-assertive people find that their relationships remain superficial, they develop other unhealthy ways of expressing their anger, and they are often the most stressed people around due to a feeling of helplessness.

There is a balance between ‘under-assertiveness’ and ‘over-assertiveness’. We need to avoid swinging unnecessarily or inappropriately between the two. If you are angry, you have forfeited the right to be assertive. When anger is involved, assertiveness is no longer a healing activity. Aggression is not what assertiveness is about. When you do it right there should usually not be offence.

A Few Thoughts About Confrontation

Confrontation is not easy. In fact, it is very difficult. Confrontation is difficult for a variety of reasons, including: we all fear being disliked, we want everyone to like us, we may be afraid of making things worse (however, usually it is the attitude in which you confront that makes things worse, not the confrontation itself), we may fear rejection, we may find it difficult to share our feelings, we may think that confrontation will destroy love and trust (actually, if done correctly, confrontation can build more love and trust into the relationship) and we may lack confrontational skills. Good leaders learn how to confront in love.

1. Deal with conflicts quickly. Deal with issues the moment they come up. Don’t save all your complaints and problems up and then dump them all on a person. When tensions arise, clear the air immediately and personally. When you let tensions continue without dealing with them, they usually get worse rather than better (Eph.4:26-27).

2. Confront with the right attitude. Don’t be either overeager or too hesitant to confront. Confront, not because it makes you feel good, but because you are committed to seeing people mature in Christ (2 Cor.10:1. 2Tim.2:24. Gal.6:1). Confronting with the right spirit comes out of having the right goal in your confrontation, which is: (a) a better understanding, (b) a positive change, and (c) a growing relationship. The goal is not to ‘win a battle’ or to ‘unload our frustration’. Think Win/Win.

3. Outline the problem clearly. Be open and honest. Clearly define what the other person is doing to cause you a problem, how this makes you feel, and why this is important to you.

4. Seek to understand their perspective. Encourage a response. Get the issue out, then let them talk as long as they need to. Their feelings need expression, so give them time to do this. People may feel shock, hurt or resentment. At this point, your goal is to understand their perspective on the situation. You want to learn and to gain understanding. Don’t automatically assume that you are right and they are wrong. You may not agree with them, but be sure you understand where they are coming from. You may need to repeat or rephrase their comments to ensure you’ve understood correctly.

5. Seek to resolve the issue whether it is an action or an attitude. Re-establish or clarify the issue and ensure understanding or forgiveness. Indicate the desired action be taken. Place the focus on the future at this point. Clearly define what needs to change and what your expectations are. Don’t mistake an emotional release for fixing the problem. Let it happen but move to a resolution.

6. Affirm the person and put the issue in the past. Be positive. Affirm the person, even if you don’t like what they have done (Eph.4:29). Thank them for who they are and what they contribute. Express appreciation for them and your desire to work together. Don’t bring it up again unless the problem reoccurs.

The biggest mistakes we make in confrontation are: failing to get all of the facts (relying on hearsay evidence or subjective impressions), confronting while angry (anger causes you to lose objectivity), being vague about the offence (know what you’re talking about by being – people can’t fix things they can’t see), failing to get the other person’s side of the story, and holding a grudge (don’t keep hostilities but let it go and move on).

Your success or failure as a leader will depend more on your ability to build strong healthy relationships than anything else. Unless you learn to get along with a wide variety of people, your effectiveness as a leader will be greatly diminished. Have the courage and the consideration to learn to confront lovingly.

Discussion Questions:

1. Reflect on a time when a confrontation you were involved in went really well (whether you were on the giving or receiving end). What were the contributing factors?

2. Reflect on a time when a confrontation didn’t go so well. What were the contributing factors?

3. What one insight from today’s teaching or discussion will you apply this next week?

July 29, 2016 Mark Conner Family, Leadership, Relationships

Think Win/Win

In his best selling book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey noted that when it comes to healthy relationships, mature people think “win/win”.

Win/Win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all situations, agreements and solutions. With a Win/Win solution, all parties feel good about the decision and are committed to the action plan – there is something in it for everybody and everybody wins. Win/Win sees life as a co-operative, not a competition. One person’s success is not achieved at the expense or exclusion of the success of others – it’s not your way or my way; it’s a better way, a higher way.

It helps to avoid alternative approaches such as:

1. Win/Lose – “If I win, you lose.” Most people see life in terms of dichotomies: strong/weak, big/small, master/servant, win/lose etc. Our society is structured around this type of thinking. In families where there is conditional love children are taught that life is about comparison with someone else or against some standard. In peer groups children are taught that acceptance is based on conformity to a standard or norm. At school there is a grading system which compares each child to the other and determines which is the better. In business, we operate in a “dog eat dog” environment where there is only room for the survivor at the expense of all others. In our pastimes such as sport there is only a prize for the winner. Unfortunately, most of the quality we want in our lives depends on our co-operation with others not on whether we or they are better.

2. Lose/Win – “I lose, you win.” People who think lose/Win are usually quick to please. They seek strength from popularity or acceptance. They have little courage to express their own feelings and convictions and are easily intimidated by others. In negotiations, Lose/Win is seen as giving in or giving up. In leadership style, Lose/Win is permissiveness or indulgence, being “Mr Nice Guy” even if nice guys are walked on.

3. Lose/Lose – Some people are so centred on an enemy, so totally obsessed with the other person’s behaviour that they become blind to everything except their desire for that person to lose, even if it means losing themselves. Lose/Lose is the philosophy of war. “If I can’t have it, then neither will they.”

4. Win – People with the Win mentality don’t necessarily want someone else to lose – what matters is that they win. This is probably the most common approach to everyday negotiation. Win thinking is in terms of securing your own ends and leaving others to secure theirs. “Look out for No. 1”

5. Win/Win or No Deal – This is a higher expression of Win/Win which says that if we can’t find a solution that would benefit us both then we agree to disagree agreeably – No Deal. With No Deal as an option, you are liberated because you are able to say that it would be better not to deal than to live with a decision that isn’t right for us both. If you can’t reach a true Win/Win, then No Deal is better.

Which option is best?

The most effective option depends on the situation:-

Win/Lose – This might be used to stimulate business
Lose/Win – If you value a relationship and the issue isn’t important.
Win – If someone’s life is in danger etc.

However, in most situations the best result will be achieved with a Win/Win approach – particularly when there are people and relationships involved (interdependence).

Jesus himself taught that we should think about how other people like be treated then grab the initiative and treat them that way (Matthew 7:12). That's win win!

May 8, 2016 Mark Conner Family, Relationships, Special Events

Happy Mother’s Day (2016)

[Watch this message]

It’s Mother’s Day: a century-old tradition of taking time to thank and honour our amazing mums. Mums are special people we owe so much to – in addition to our very existence! Most mums are faithful, loyal, hard-working, loving and caring people. We honour and applaud them today. Of course, Mother’s Day brings a variety of emotion with it – gratitude, if you had a great mum, some sadness and pain if you had a difficult or absent mum, and grief if you have lost your mum or wanted to be a mum but haven’t yet been able to have children.

Our Mothers

What was your mother like? Mothers are highly influential people but no mother is perfect. Ideally, they provide care, love, nurture and protection for their children, but that isn’t always the case. In their recent book, Our Mothers, Ourselves: How Understanding Your Mother’s Influence Can Set You on a Path of a Better Life, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend (best-selling authors of Boundaries) unpack how our mothers shape us – for better or worse, including describing different types of mothers and styles of mothering. These include the Phantom Mum, the China Doll Mum, the Controlling Mother, the Trophy Mum, the Still-the-Boss Mum, and the American Express Mum. It is easy to dismiss the past, but even as adults we need to understand our mother’s pervasive influence on our life.

No matter what our mother was like, we need to give them love and respect, gratitude, and forgiveness. In addition, we need to “leave” appropriately and be who God has called us to be, severing that umbilical cord of dependence, as it were. Then we return, hopefully as friends.

The Art of Mothering

All mothers should seek to be the best mothers that they can be. This includes making a choice to:

Love unconditionally. True love is not just an emotion but is an act of will to do what is best for another person, regardless of what they are like. Kids aren’t perfect yet they need to know they are loved … no matter what.
Affirm frequently. Words are powerful (Proverbs 18:21). Use them for good – to build up your children (Ephesians 4:29). Children thrive under encouragement, affirmation and praise.
Instruct clearly. Establish clear expectations and consequences, then follow through consistently. Teach desired behaviour (what) and the values behind it (why). Example is essential (kids do what they see), as is a loving relationship.
Discipline lovingly. Loving discipline is about giving appropriate consequences for disobedience, not abuse or harsh, angry punishment.
Empower fully. As children grow and mature, empower them more to make their own decisions and be responsible for their own lives. Our kids are really not ours. We don't own or possess them. They are gifts …. loaned for a time. Help them become who God has designed them to be. Don’t project your own wishes on them. Then trust God and let go of any unnecessary guilt or condemnation for the choices they may choose to make.

[More BLOG posts on parenting: Wisdom for Parents, Parenting Teenagers, Damaging Parenting Styles and Some Thoughts on Parenting. There are many good books on parenting but I especially encourage you to check out The Parenting Book by Nicky and Sila Lee]

God as Mother?

Sometimes mums can find it difficult to see themselves as a reflection of the image of God. This may be because of the number of male references to God in the Bible, such as king or Father. But God is not male! [God created woman so if he was a man this would be impossible because we all know that men know nothing about women!] God is Spirit. He transcends gender yet includes what we know as male and female. Men and women were both created in God’s image. God has both masculine and feminine qualities (see Isaiah 42:14; 49:14-16; 66:13. Hosea 13:8. Matthew 23:37). He has motherly traits of caretaker, comforter and nurturer. That's why it takes both men and women to reflect God accurately. Mums – you are made in the image of God. You reflect his nature and his characteristics … even in your mothering of your children. Walk with a sense of dignity and honour. You matter … just because of who you are!

Reflection Questions

Reflect on the life of Mary, the mother of Jesus. What can we learn from her?
What does Mother’s Day mean to you?
Think about your own mother. What are you thankful for? What was difficult?
Review the five suggested tasks in the “art of mothering”. Reflect on how God is the model of the perfect parent.
Consider some of the feminine aspects of God’s nature – such as love, care, nurture, and protection. Why do we sometimes struggle with seeing God this way? What do we miss out by thinking of God only in male images?
Finish by praying for all of our family relationships.

Stories Around the Cross – The Denial

The Denial (Mark 14:27-31, 66-72)

The theme of abandonment overshadows many of the Stories Around the Cross. Jesus was abandoned by betrayal (Judas), by indifference (the disciples sleeping three times in Gethsemane), and by denial and desertion (Peter and the Twelve). When Jesus needed them the most, his friends left him alone. They all participated in the supper (Mark 14:23), they all confessed their allegiance (Mark 14:31), and yet they all deserted Jesus (Mark 14:50).

Peter is as impetuous as ever – opening his mouth first and thinking afterwards. But he is hard to condemn and impossible to dislike. He has demonstrated nothing but reckless courage to this point – drawing his sword in the garden prepared to take on the whole mob and staying near the courtyard in a quiet boldness. We should be amazed at his courage not just shocked at his fall. Every person has their breaking point.

Peter is not surprised by the thought of the defection of the other disciples. Perhaps he even expects it of them. He does not defend their cause but strongly defends his own cause, “I will not! (vs.29)” He sees himself as the exception to the rule; where others fall, he will stand. There’s more than a little self-confidence and pride here. Jesus interrupts his bravado and says, “Today … yes tonight … before the rooster crows twice, you will disown me three times (vs.30).” Peter does not back down. He insists emphatically, “Even if I have to die with you, I will never disown you (vs.31).” Notice that “all the others said the same.”

Peter follows Jesus “at a distance” (vs.54) and eventually there is an escalation of three charges and three denials (vs.66-72). After the rooster crowed the second time, suddenly Jesus’ words flooded through Peter’s mind … and “He broke down and wept.” Humiliated, Peter is overwhelmed with guilt and shame, most likely morphing into sorrow and repentance (unlike Judas who was remorseful but not repentant).

Failure

Have you ever fallen flat on your face? Have you ever disappointed yourself, others or God? Maybe it was a sin, a mistake or a personal failure. Like Peter, you didn't live up to your own expectations or promises. We have all experienced this, at one time or another. Sometimes, over-confidence, arrogance and pride are catalysts. At others times, they are not.

When personal failure occurs, we experience guilt, embarrassment and at times shame. Guilt is the result of a convicted conscience. The Holy Spirit is the one who convicts us and it is always specific and aimed at response – remorse (genuine sorrow) and repentance (change – turning away from sin). Shame is from the enemy and moves us from “I did something wrong” to “I am a bad person”. It involves an ongoing feeling of condemnation and self-loathing, with a general sense of not being good enough. Shame is very harmful and engenders a feeling of unworthiness. This often leads to destructive and negative behaviours.

The Restoration of Peter

In John’s Gospel, we learn some more details about how Jesus took time to restore Peter (John 21:1-19). By a charcoal fire on the beach, bringing back memories of Peter’s denial by a charcoal fire in the courtyard (John 18:18), like a good shepherd, Jesus’ heals the wound of Peter’s denial and failure. Gently, Jesus brings this memory to the surface and heals it with love and forgiveness. Jesus gives Peter a chance to profess his love for Jesus, to affirm everything he has denied – three times. Old failings, old sores, old wounds are healed. Jesus not only forgives Peter but commissions him. It's time for him to be a shepherd, to feed lambs and sheep, to look after them. Jesus is trusting Peter to get back to fruitful work. Jesus is sharing his own ministry with Peter. Jesus is after all the “good shepherd” (John 10).

This is the foundation of all ministry – despite our faults and failures, Jesus forgives us and gives us an opportunity to join him in his work on earth. These are not things we do to earn our forgiveness. It’s all grace from start to finish. They are things we do out of the joy of being forgiven.

The Power of Vulnerability

It speaks volumes both for the accuracy of the Gospels and the humility of the leaders of the early church that Peter’s story of denying Jesus three times, in all its graphic detail, remains there starkly in all four gospels – the same man who confessed Jesus as the Messiah (Mark 8:29). Peter himself is most likely the source of this story. It served as a warning to other Christians who themselves would face persecution that even if the prince of the apostles denied Jesus they might do so also if they were not prepared. Even the best of us can slip and fall, as our human weakness falls prey to strong temptations. Not even the best leader is immune to failure. Nor beyond the promise of grace! We can be honest about our sin … because God’s grace is even greater.

Jesus did not give up on Peter … and he does not give up on us. Who would have thought that Peter’s negative example would have given courage to young and innocent Christians for years afterwards to stand up to questioning, persecution, torture and death rather than deny Jesus. Some even faced lions in the amphitheatre and did not deny their Lord.

Authenticity takes courage and compassion. Everyone around you has the same issues and struggles you do. Perfectionism is often driven by a fear of shame. All this is emotionally unhealthy. It makes your self-worth dependent on the approval or acceptance of others. Vulnerability is the cure for shame. It is the willingness to openly admit failures and weaknesses. It helps you build up resilience to shame and to feel happier about who you are in Christ and what you do have. In fact, the moments we feel most connected to others are usually those in which we have opened up to someone and experienced their empathy. We've all experienced the relief of opening up to others, our problems melting away as we begin to feel understood. This is a truly powerful weapon against shame.

Like Peter, may you know the joy of forgiveness from all sin and failure, of standing unashamed, and of being commissioned to join Jesus in his work on earth.

Reflection Questions

Think of a a time when you failed or did something that humiliated or embarrassed you. What did it feel like and what have been the affects since that incident?
Compare the difference between guilt and shame. How do we know the difference?
Why are qualities such as openness and authenticity so difficult for us as humans?
What’s the impact of vulnerability? Why is it so powerful? Why do some see it as weakness?
How does being vulnerable help us overcome feelings of shame?
Listen to Brene Brown's TED talks on The Power of Vulnerability and Listening to Shame. What did you learn?
What can leaders (whether parents, teachers, pastors or managers) learn from Jesus in how to create an environment where people can be open and honest about themselves, rather than building a toxic, shame-based culture?
What are some indicators that we have made God's grace the foundation of our life and ministry?
Pray and ask God for complete freedom … from guilt and shame.

[Picture – Rembrandt's Peter Denying Christ]