Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 46 – Feedback

One of the characteristics of wise people is that they are open to feedback. Feedback from other people can give us needed insight not only into our own lives but into any issue or challenge we may be considering. If you reject feedback, you will hinder your own personal growth.

All of us have things about ourselves that we are unaware of or don’t see. Only by being open to feedback from others can we learn about these areas and make positive changes.

Every one of us has weaknesses. Usually, other people see them before we do!

My theory is that the sooner I know about my weaknesses the quicker I can begin to work on them. So if my zipper is down – let me know! If I have cream on my face – tell me! Again, if I punch you when you give me feedback – how many know you’ll think twice about giving me feedback ever again!

Only people who are proud and arrogant assume that they are always right and other people are wrong – or at least misinformed.

Are you open to feedback? Are you teachable? Wise people are. What about you?

Learning to be open to and receive constructive feedback is vital for all healthy relationships.

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 45 – Assertiveness

One of the keys to good relationships is learning to be ‘lovingly assertive’. Yes, it really is possible to be both ‘loving’ and ‘assertive’.

Some people tend to be ‘under-assertive’. They can’t set boundaries or limits. They can never say “no” … or at least not without feeling guilty. They are easily manipulated by stronger people. They are unable to express feelings of anger constructively. They avoid conflict situations. They are excessively apologetic. Then they tend to fantasize after conversations, replaying the situation over and over … thinking about all the things they wish they had the courage to say at the time.

On the other hand, some people tend to be ‘over-assertive’. They lack tact and sensitivity. They steam-roll people with their ideas and opinions, and they have a tendency to be autocratic (‘we’ll do it my way’). As a result, they end up hurting a lot of people.

Which way do you lean? Do you need to learn to be a bit more assertive? Not aggressive … but assertive?

Or do you need to be a bit more loving?

Why not make an effort to change … beginning today. Appraise assertiveness is essential for healthy relationships.

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 44 – Friendship

Have you noticed that humans have an inbuilt longing for connection with other people? Of course, good relationships and friendships don’t just ‘happen’. They have to be cultivated and nurtured intentionally.

Each of us has various circles or levels of friendship.

• Acquaintances – these are the dozens and maybe even 100s of people you know but on a surface level.

• Casual friendships – these are the many people with whom you have common interests and activities. There is a basic level of openness.

• Close friendships – these are the people who are close and with whom you have common goals or interests.

• Intimate friendships – these are the few people you have a deeper level of connection, commitment, and trust with. You feel safe with them.

It’s important to choose the right friends, as they influence us probably more than anyone else. We easily become like those we hang around with.

You can’t just order a close friendship from a drive-through window. Friendships take time and effort.

We can all benefit from being friendly. As we reach out and make new acquaintances – out of these will often come close friends.

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 43 – Apology

Have you ever had a conflict? Maybe a better question would be, “When was your last conflict?”

As we do life with other people it is inevitable that conflicts and disagreements will occur. How successfully we resolve those conflicts will have a big impact on our lives.

In most conflicts, there are wrongs on both sides. The trouble comes when we only focus on what the other person has done … rather than on our own contribution.

Let’s say for example, that you’ve just had a conflict with another person and they were 90% wrong and you were 10% wrong.

Don’t focus on their part; focus on yourself. Take care of your 10%. Learn to say a few powerful words – from your heart.

Firstly, “I’m sorry.” Those words can change an entire relationship. Then try this one, “I was wrong.” Finally, try this phrase, ”Would you forgive me?”

When we take responsibility for ourselves and respond to the heat of the moment with humility and kindness … the other person often softens and the conflict can more easily be resolved.

Yes, the art of making a genuine apology is essential for healthy relationships.

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 42 – Encouragement

Someone once said that “encouragement is like oxygen to the soul”. Each one of us thrives in an environment of affirmation and encouragement.

In contrast, no one likes to be in an atmosphere where we are being torn down or ridiculed.

Come on … who likes to work for a boss who only speaks to them when they have done something wrong? Someone once called that ‘seagull management’. They flap in, dump on you, them fly out. Not a very pleasant experience at all.

So think about what you are doing to those around you. Are you encouraging them? Are you lifting them up with your words?

Occasionally, I’ll sit at a funeral and listen to the eulogy or the tributes that are given and often think, “I wonder if that person knew those things when they were alive?” Don’t wait until someone dies to tell them what you appreciate about them. Take the time now to express your love and your affirmation for them.

Don’t just think good things about people. People cannot read your mind. Take the time, write a note, make a phone call, send a text, tell somebody how much you appreciate them today.

Encouragement – it’s a vital ingredient of all healthy relationships.

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 41 – Acceptance

One of the deepest needs in every human being is to be accepted – just as we are, warts and all. In fact, many people will do almost anything … just to be accepted by others.

If you want to enhance your own relationships, why not give others the gift of acceptance. Choose to value and respect them – just as they are.

You know, subconsciously, we tend to have a rating scale for people and we treat them based on the value we place on them. If we’re walking down the hallway and someone who we think is a #10 comes along, we say, “Hi, how you going, good to see you!” If we meet someone who we think is a #2, we just say, “Hey …” If we see someone who is a -4 … we walk the other way!

We treat people based on the value we place on them.

What if you started seeing everyone as a #10 and then started treating them that way? What a difference that could make in your relationships.
Genuine acceptance is often a catalyst to lasting change.

Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean approval … but it is a choice to value and respect people, no matter what.

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 40 – Anger

Have you been angry lately? Anger is a common emotion. Every person has times when they experience feelings of annoyance, irritation, resentment, or anger.

There are two common causes of anger.

Firstly, there is frustration. Frustration occurs when our goal is blocked. Maybe the driver in front of you is going 10 kilometers under the speed limit and you are in a hurry or maybe someone is an hour late for an appointment that you made an effort to be on time for. When you are frustrated you start to feel angry.

The second cause of anger is hurt. When someone does or says something to us that really hurts us, anger begins to emerge. What we need to realise is that anger can cause great damage and so therefore it is essential for healthy relationships that we do our best to keep our anger under control.

There is a big difference between feeling angry and then acting out angry behaviour. Anger is not the problem. It’s what we do with it. I encourage you to make every effort to manage your anger today. That’s a vital skill for healthy relationships.

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 39 – Atmosphere

Every room has an atmosphere – it includes factors such as the temperature of the room, the lighting, and the freshness of the air – or the lack of it. In the same way, every relationship and every group – whether it’s a team or a family – has an atmosphere. This atmosphere is a combination of the moods and attitudes of the people in the group. Another word for this is ‘culture’. It describes what it feels like to be a part of that group of people.

To add value to any relationship you are in or any group you are a part of, learn to be aware of your moods – what they are and what may be contributing to them. Then seek to control them. Your moods directly affect the atmosphere wherever you are – for better or worse.

Don’t be a thermometer – which is a reactive instrument that goes up and down based on the external environment.

Be a thermostat – an instrument that directly affects the atmosphere. If things are a bit heated, you can help to cool them down.

If things are a bit cool or icy – then you do your best to warm things up a little.
This is especially important for leaders because leaders set the relational temperature of every group that they lead.

What can you do today to affect the atmosphere of the relationships, teams, or groups you are a part of?

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 38 – Trust

Someone once said that trust is the glue of all relationships. Trust holds things together. In contrast, when there is no trust, relationships start to break down.

Trust creates confidence and removes suspicion and fear. When trust is high in a relationship, you could even say the wrong thing and it will be okay. People give you the benefit of the doubt. Where trust is low, you could say the right thing and even then, people take you wrong or misinterpret you.

How do we build trust?

  • Trust starts with being trustworthy.
  • Treat people with respect, as you would want to be treated.
  • Admit it when you are wrong and be big enough to apologise.
  • Be quick to forgive.
  • Be loyal and avoid gossip. Integrity is how we treat those who are not present.
  • Keep your commitments and your word.
  • Have the courage to speak the truth in love.
  • Be transparent – open, real and genuine. Don’t be fake or two-faced. Don’t wear masks.
  • Make every effort to restore trust when it has been lost.

What is the level of trust in your relationships? What could you do to improve that trust today?

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 37 – Forgiveness

Many years ago I was on a building site and I was cutting through a piece of wood with an electric saw. Unfortunately, I cut through the wood and then took a chunk out of my finger. There was blood gushing everywhere. It really hurt. I rushed off to the hospital and got some stitches.

Thankfully, the body went into a healing process and over time the pain went away. I have got a scar there and I remember what happened, but it no longer hurts.

You know it is the same in our emotional world. Sometimes things happen that hurt us and it’s painful. But hopefully, we will experience a healing process so that over time the pain goes away.

How does that happen? It’s only through choosing to forgive those that have hurt us that healing takes place. If we don’t forgive, bitterness can become like a destructive poison eating us up on the inside.

So I urge you today, has someone offended you?

Have the courage to forgive them and to release them. NOT from accountability but from your need for revenge, to get back at them.

As you do, the healing process can begin to work in your life.

P.S. See also ‘Common Questions About Forgiveness.’

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 36 – Confrontation

Many years ago, when I was in my 20s, I was a youth worker at a church. At that time, we had a guest speaker from Africa. His name was Elijah Maswangungi. After his visit, I was given the task of driving him to the airport. On the way, he spent some time encouraging me. He felt that although I was a young leader, I had great potential. Then he said, “There are a few things you need to work on. First of all, you need to smile more. You are very tall and that can be quite intimidating. A smile draws people to you. Then he shared a few more things we don’t have time to talk about today.”

Anyway, I dropped him off at the airport … pretty quickly … and I started the long drive back to the office. To be honest, I was annoyed. Smile … I was smiling on the inside. But after a few days of stewing, I realised he was right. So I started smiling – driving in my car, getting into a lift. In fact, a few years later I was speaking at an event in Adelaide and a woman came up and said, “You’re the smiling speaker!” I thought, “Elijah where are you now!”

All this to say, I am now very thankful for someone who was willing to not only encourage me but to speak into my life. To confront me. I am a better person for it.

Have you ever heard the phrase – ‘speak the truth in love’? It’s an important principle in life.

Unfortunately, some people only ‘speak the truth’. There’s not a lot of love in the way they bring up issues or confront a problem. In fact, some people get really angry when they confront others. As a result, relationships are usually damaged and other people get hurt or offended.

On the other hand, some people are so ‘loving’ that they never speak the truth. They do everything to keep the peace … but unfortunately, they ignore the issues and they never deal with them, to everyone’s detriment. Important matters stay under the surface, eventually causing problems later down the track because they were never really addressed.

Which way do you lean? Do you need to be a little move loving when you speak the truth? Or do you need to be a little more truthful as you relate to the people in your world?

The challenge is for us to have both the courage and the consideration to confront in a loving manner … for everyone’s benefit.

Learn to speak the truth in love.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 35 – Love Languages

If I say to you, ‘Te Amo mucho!’ you might be wondering what’s wrong with me … that’s unless you speak a little Spanish. In Spanish, ‘Te Amo mucho’ means, “I love you very much!” As you can see, these words only have meaning if the person I am speaking to understands the language I am using.

As we develop relational intelligence, it’s very important that we let the people in our world know that we love them. But how do you say ‘I love you’ in a way that people understand and sense our love?

In many ways, love is like a language and there are a variety of love languages that we can use to communicate the love that’s in our heart for someone special.

Here are five common love languages:

  1. Encouraging words. Words have a powerful way of communicating love. People can’t read our minds but when we tell them how we think and feel about them, it communicates the love and appreciation we have for them.
  2. Helping someone. Simply doing something for someone else is a practical way to show love. It could be helping them move house, or setting up a new app on their computer, or writing a resume. Anything we DO to help others, communicates love.
  3. Giving a gift. When we buy a gift, even something small, we communicate care and appreciation for the other person. After all, it takes thought, time, effort, and money.
  4. Spending time with someone. In our busy, frenetically-paced lives, the gift of time is often one of the most valuable of all.
  5. Use appropriate physical touch – depending on the type of relationship, of course.

It is important for us to realise that each of us gives and receives love using one or more of these languages.

So for example, if your friend’s love language is encouraging words and yours is giving gifts … they may not be feeling your love, despite all the things you BUY for them. And saying, “I told you I loved you 5 years ago – if anything changes, I’ll let you know!” simply won’t work for them. They need to hear those words regularly if that is their love language.

If your partner’s love language is quality time and yours is helping, again they may not be feeling your love, even though you may be spending hours doing all sorts of things for them. 


Take the time to understand and learn the love language of those around you (your family and friends) and then endeavour to communicate love to them in a language that they really understand. In doing so, they’ll sense the love that is in your heart for them.

And be sure to let other people know what your love language is too! This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube Channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 34 – Authenticity

A few years ago, I was having lunch with a friend of mine. I asked him how he was doing and he said he was doing “great.” He went on to tell me a bunch of good things happening in his life.

He then asked me how I was doing. I hesitated at first but then I answered honestly. I was doing it a bit tough and so I told him about it.

The depth of our conversation changed immediately. He thanked me for my openness. Actually, near the end of our time together he admitted that he was going through some challenges too … but he never had the courage to tell anyone.

Authenticity is very important. It’s about being honest, real, and transparent … no masks, no hiding, no pretending.

This is not easy – after all, we live in a culture that is into “image projection” and “impression management”. We have a strong tendency to hide and to want to look better than we really are.

You know, we have this amazing family photo of our 3 kids on the wall at home. They’re smiling and they look great – such a happy family. Yet, the truth is, that was a really difficult day. We were paying big money for a professional photographer and the kids were pretty ratty … and I was in high-powered management mode, yelling ‘Smile!’ with great intensity. We sure didn’t frame any of the ‘before’ or ‘after’ shots. Just the split second of that perfect photo. We laugh about it now.

You know, the level of intimacy or closeness in any relationship is directly related to the level of openness in that relationship.

Of course, this requires wisdom and discernment. It can also be a little awkward. But hopefully, you have a safe, trustworthy friend who can ask you, “How are you doing … really?”

Be open, honest, and real. Authenticity is attractive and helps to build genuine and strong relationships.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 33 – Empathy

My dad was an orphan who never knew his mum or his dad. He grew up in foster homes and boys’ homes. Despite this, he tried to be the best dad he could be to my sister and me. However, he often missed my birthdays and special events when I was growing up. He would be at a meeting or working interstate. I worked through this, but definitely had some disappointment about it.

Later on in life, when I was about 40, I was having lunch with my dad and I asked him to tell me more about his childhood, growing up without any parents. Somewhere in the conversation he casually noted that he never remembered having a birthday party until after he married my mum. I said, “What?” He had never had anyone throw him a birthday party – for his entire childhood! Suddenly everything changed for me. He had no memory of anyone being there for his special moments and although he never intentionally tried to hurt me, he wasn’t there for many of mine. This realisation didn’t change or excuse what had happened but it did help me understand more about my dad and his story.

Everyone has a story to tell!

I remember hearing a story about a man sitting on a train, reading his newspaper when another man came onto the train and sat right next to him. He slouched and closed his eyes as if to shut out the world. He had two young children with him who proceeded to run around the train, disturbing everyone in sight.

The man couldn’t believe it. Why didn’t this man control his children? Eventually, when his annoyance reached a certain level, he said, “Excuse me, sir, why don’t you stop your kids from running around?”

The man slowly came to and said, “I’m sorry. We just came from the hospital where their mother died. I don’t know what to do and I guess neither do they.”

Talk about a paradigm shift! In a moment, this man’s emotions moved from anger to empathy.

It is so easy to judge. But everyone has a story to tell. Empathy means to stand in someone else’s shoes and see life from their perspective.

In your next conversation with someone, try asking this question: “Help me understand …”

One of the most powerful things you can give another person is the gift of empathy.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 32 – Emotional Intelligence

If I’m reading an annoying email and someone knocks at my door and I turn to them and yell, “What!?” That’s not very relationally intelligent. I’ve taken my emotion from one situation and bled it all over a different person for no reason at all. I’m sure they’d think twice before knocking on my door again.

If instead, I quarantine my annoyance over the email and turn to the person knocking at my door and say with a smile, “Hi, how can I help you?” I’ve demonstrated something called ‘emotional intelligence.

Well-known psychologist, Daniel Goleman has done a lot of research on the components of success, especially in the workplace. His conclusion is that Technical Skill and Intellectual Intelligence (or IQ) are very important, but that the quality of Emotional Intelligence (or EQ = Emotional Quotient), is the most essential. In fact, it’s twice as important as the other two attributes.

Emotional intelligence is learning to be aware of our own moods and take control of our emotions. It also includes knowing how to relate well to a wide variety of people.

How do we do that? Well, Jesus gave us some great advice as recorded in Matthew 7:12 when he said, “Do for others what you would like them to do for you.”

Some people call this the “Golden Rule”. The relational wisdom here is to take the time to think about how you like to be treated.

  • Think about the qualities and attributes that attract you to others, the ‘ideal friend’, if you will. People you enjoy being around.
  • We can also think about the qualities and attributes that repel us from others. You know, the ‘friend from hell’. People you don’t enjoy being around.

Then the application is to intentionally develop the qualities of a good friend and intentionally avoid or get rid of traits of people that annoy you.

This is proper advice for ALL of our relationships – think about how you want to be treated and then YOU take the initiative. Begin treating other people in that way. What a difference that makes!

Imagine a world where every one of us followed this basic principle of relationships.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube channel.