Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 36 – Confrontation

Many years ago, when I was in my 20s, I was a youth worker at a church. At that time, we had a guest speaker from Africa. His name was Elijah Maswangungi. After his visit, I was given the task of driving him to the airport. On the way, he spent some time encouraging me. He felt that although I was a young leader, I had great potential. Then he said, “There are a few things you need to work on. First of all, you need to smile more. You are very tall and that can be quite intimidating. A smile draws people to you. Then he shared a few more things we don’t have time to talk about today.”

Anyway, I dropped him off at the airport … pretty quickly … and I started the long drive back to the office. To be honest, I was annoyed. Smile … I was smiling on the inside. But after a few days of stewing, I realised he was right. So I started smiling – driving in my car, getting into a lift. In fact, a few years later I was speaking at an event in Adelaide and a woman came up and said, “You’re the smiling speaker!” I thought, “Elijah where are you now!”

All this to say, I am now very thankful for someone who was willing to not only encourage me but to speak into my life. To confront me. I am a better person for it.

Have you ever heard the phrase – ‘speak the truth in love’? It’s an important principle in life.

Unfortunately, some people only ‘speak the truth’. There’s not a lot of love in the way they bring up issues or confront a problem. In fact, some people get really angry when they confront others. As a result, relationships are usually damaged and other people get hurt or offended.

On the other hand, some people are so ‘loving’ that they never speak the truth. They do everything to keep the peace … but unfortunately, they ignore the issues and they never deal with them, to everyone’s detriment. Important matters stay under the surface, eventually causing problems later down the track because they were never really addressed.

Which way do you lean? Do you need to be a little move loving when you speak the truth? Or do you need to be a little more truthful as you relate to the people in your world?

The challenge is for us to have both the courage and the consideration to confront in a loving manner … for everyone’s benefit.

Learn to speak the truth in love.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 35 – Love Languages

If I say to you, ‘Te Amo mucho!’ you might be wondering what’s wrong with me … that’s unless you speak a little Spanish. In Spanish, ‘Te Amo mucho’ means, “I love you very much!” As you can see, these words only have meaning if the person I am speaking to understands the language I am using.

As we develop relational intelligence, it’s very important that we let the people in our world know that we love them. But how do you say ‘I love you’ in a way that people understand and sense our love?

In many ways, love is like a language and there are a variety of love languages that we can use to communicate the love that’s in our heart for someone special.

Here are five common love languages:

  1. Encouraging words. Words have a powerful way of communicating love. People can’t read our minds but when we tell them how we think and feel about them, it communicates the love and appreciation we have for them.
  2. Helping someone. Simply doing something for someone else is a practical way to show love. It could be helping them move house, or setting up a new app on their computer, or writing a resume. Anything we DO to help others, communicates love.
  3. Giving a gift. When we buy a gift, even something small, we communicate care and appreciation for the other person. After all, it takes thought, time, effort, and money.
  4. Spending time with someone. In our busy, frenetically-paced lives, the gift of time is often one of the most valuable of all.
  5. Use appropriate physical touch – depending on the type of relationship, of course.

It is important for us to realise that each of us gives and receives love using one or more of these languages.

So for example, if your friend’s love language is encouraging words and yours is giving gifts … they may not be feeling your love, despite all the things you BUY for them. And saying, “I told you I loved you 5 years ago – if anything changes, I’ll let you know!” simply won’t work for them. They need to hear those words regularly if that is their love language.

If your partner’s love language is quality time and yours is helping, again they may not be feeling your love, even though you may be spending hours doing all sorts of things for them. 


Take the time to understand and learn the love language of those around you (your family and friends) and then endeavour to communicate love to them in a language that they really understand. In doing so, they’ll sense the love that is in your heart for them.

And be sure to let other people know what your love language is too! This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube Channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 07 – Relationships

Episode 07 of Soul Food is about Relationships and can be viewed on the Soul Food YouTube channel. Here is the transcript …

I don’t know about you but the hardest thing about this global pandemic is not being able to catch up with my family and friends. Just to be able to sit down together, have a drink, and hang out.

Us humans were made for relationships. We have this innate need to belong, to have a tribe, and then to connect on a regular basis. Relationships are vital for our own well-being. 

Relationships are also ‘spatial’. They can be seen as occurring in a series of concentric circles.

  • In the outer circle, we have our acquaintances – the 100s if not 1000s of people we will interact with during our lifetime.
  • Then we have our casual friends – people we know by name and connect with from time to time. These are our neighbors, work associates, classmates, family members, or friends.
  • Next is the next inner circle are our close friends. These are people we spend more time with and with whom we have a lot in common. We enjoy their company and make an effort to hang out with them.
  • Finally, in the smallest circle are our 1-2 best friends.

How do you find a best friend? Well, it starts with choosing to be friendly and making lots of acquaintances. The more people we meet and interact within different settings, the more opportunities we have to make close friends. It’s an inexact science and often an awkward process but as we invest time and effort in our relationships with other people, good friendships usually emerge.

Relationships change over time and in different seasons and circumstances.

What is your current relational constellation? 

  • Who’s where and why?
  • Are there some changes that need to be made or simply acknowledged? 
  • Are there some friendships that need attention right now or a greater degree of your time and energy? All relationships need to be nurtured.

Another insight about relationships is that the degree of openness determines the degree of closeness in any friendship. 

I had a lunch with a friend a few years back. As we sat down I asked him how he was going. He said, “Awesome!” He then began to tell me all the good things happening in his life. When he was done, he asked me how I was doing. I paused and thought to myself, “Will I do the ‘awesome’ thing or will I be honest?” I chose the second option. So I said to him, “Actually, things have been a little tough lately. There have been a few challenges at work and …” I was simply honest and open with him about my life. The whole tone of the conversation changed. In fact, when I was done, he told me that he was doing that well either.

Openness encourages openness. Authenticity and vulnerability are essential in building close friendships. This is not easy, especially in a world that values ‘image’ and having it all together. 

Have you got a safe friend who asks you, “How are you going … really?” If you do, you are a truly blessed person. If you don’t, then take some steps today to build your friendship circles. Hopefully, over time, some safe people will emerge. What a gift they are!

Let’s recap our main points:

  1. Friendships and relationships are vital for our own well-being.
  2. Relationships are spacial, in that we each have a constellation of relationships that can be viewed as a series of concentric circles.
  3. Our relationships change over time and in different seasons. 
  4. All important relationships need nurturing. 
  5. The degree of openness determines the degree of closeness in any relationship.

That’s all for today. This has been Episode 07 of Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

To listen to a 20-minute message on ‘How to Improve Your Relationships’, visit Mark’s podcast channel.