I hope you enjoyed our 16-part series of Soul Food with Mark Conner on the important topic of relational intelligence. Life is all about relationships. As we enhance our sense of connection with the people in our life, everybody wins.
The topics covered in this Relational Intelligence series were:
After a brief break, we’ll be back with an entirely new series of Soul Food.
Have you noticed that humans have an inbuilt longing for connection with other people? Of course, good relationships and friendships don’t just ‘happen’. They have to be cultivated and nurtured intentionally.
Each of us has various circles or levels of friendship.
• Acquaintances – these are the dozens and maybe even 100s of people you know but on a surface level.
• Casual friendships – these are the many people with whom you have common interests and activities. There is a basic level of openness.
• Close friendships – these are the people who are close and with whom you have common goals or interests.
• Intimate friendships – these are the few people you have a deeper level of connection, commitment, and trust with. You feel safe with them.
It’s important to choose the right friends, as they influence us probably more than anyone else. We easily become like those we hang around with.
You can’t just order a close friendship from a drive-through window. Friendships take time and effort.
We can all benefit from being friendly. As we reach out and make new acquaintances – out of these will often come close friends.
You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.
One of the deepest needs in every human being is to be accepted – just as we are, warts and all. In fact, many people will do almost anything … just to be accepted by others.
If you want to enhance your own relationships, why not give others the gift of acceptance. Choose to value and respect them – just as they are.
You know, subconsciously, we tend to have a rating scale for people and we treat them based on the value we place on them. If we’re walking down the hallway and someone who we think is a #10 comes along, we say, “Hi, how you going, good to see you!” If we meet someone who we think is a #2, we just say, “Hey …” If we see someone who is a -4 … we walk the other way!
We treat people based on the value we place on them.
What if you started seeing everyone as a #10 and then started treating them that way? What a difference that could make in your relationships.
Genuine acceptance is often a catalyst to lasting change.
Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean approval … but it is a choice to value and respect people, no matter what.
You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.
Someone once said that trust is the glue of all relationships. Trust holds things together. In contrast, when there is no trust, relationships start to break down.
Trust creates confidence and removes suspicion and fear. When trust is high in a relationship, you could even say the wrong thing and it will be okay. People give you the benefit of the doubt. Where trust is low, you could say the right thing and even then, people take you wrong or misinterpret you.
How do we build trust?
What is the level of trust in your relationships? What could you do to improve that trust today?
You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.
Many years ago, when I was in my 20s, I was a youth worker at a church. At that time, we had a guest speaker from Africa. His name was Elijah Maswangungi. After his visit, I was given the task of driving him to the airport. On the way, he spent some time encouraging me. He felt that although I was a young leader, I had great potential. Then he said, “There are a few things you need to work on. First of all, you need to smile more. You are very tall and that can be quite intimidating. A smile draws people to you. Then he shared a few more things we don’t have time to talk about today.”
Anyway, I dropped him off at the airport … pretty quickly … and I started the long drive back to the office. To be honest, I was annoyed. Smile … I was smiling on the inside. But after a few days of stewing, I realised he was right. So I started smiling – driving in my car, getting into a lift. In fact, a few years later I was speaking at an event in Adelaide and a woman came up and said, “You’re the smiling speaker!” I thought, “Elijah where are you now!”
All this to say, I am now very thankful for someone who was willing to not only encourage me but to speak into my life. To confront me. I am a better person for it.
Have you ever heard the phrase – ‘speak the truth in love’? It’s an important principle in life.
Unfortunately, some people only ‘speak the truth’. There’s not a lot of love in the way they bring up issues or confront a problem. In fact, some people get really angry when they confront others. As a result, relationships are usually damaged and other people get hurt or offended.
On the other hand, some people are so ‘loving’ that they never speak the truth. They do everything to keep the peace … but unfortunately, they ignore the issues and they never deal with them, to everyone’s detriment. Important matters stay under the surface, eventually causing problems later down the track because they were never really addressed.
Which way do you lean? Do you need to be a little move loving when you speak the truth? Or do you need to be a little more truthful as you relate to the people in your world?
The challenge is for us to have both the courage and the consideration to confront in a loving manner … for everyone’s benefit.
Learn to speak the truth in love.
This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!
You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube channel.
If I say to you, ‘Te Amo mucho!’ you might be wondering what’s wrong with me … that’s unless you speak a little Spanish. In Spanish, ‘Te Amo mucho’ means, “I love you very much!” As you can see, these words only have meaning if the person I am speaking to understands the language I am using.
As we develop relational intelligence, it’s very important that we let the people in our world know that we love them. But how do you say ‘I love you’ in a way that people understand and sense our love?
In many ways, love is like a language and there are a variety of love languages that we can use to communicate the love that’s in our heart for someone special.
Here are five common love languages:
It is important for us to realise that each of us gives and receives love using one or more of these languages.
So for example, if your friend’s love language is encouraging words and yours is giving gifts … they may not be feeling your love, despite all the things you BUY for them. And saying, “I told you I loved you 5 years ago – if anything changes, I’ll let you know!” simply won’t work for them. They need to hear those words regularly if that is their love language.
If your partner’s love language is quality time and yours is helping, again they may not be feeling your love, even though you may be spending hours doing all sorts of things for them.
Take the time to understand and learn the love language of those around you (your family and friends) and then endeavour to communicate love to them in a language that they really understand. In doing so, they’ll sense the love that is in your heart for them.
And be sure to let other people know what your love language is too! This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!
You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube Channel.
My dad was an orphan who never knew his mum or his dad. He grew up in foster homes and boys’ homes. Despite this, he tried to be the best dad he could be to my sister and me. However, he often missed my birthdays and special events when I was growing up. He would be at a meeting or working interstate. I worked through this, but definitely had some disappointment about it.
Later on in life, when I was about 40, I was having lunch with my dad and I asked him to tell me more about his childhood, growing up without any parents. Somewhere in the conversation he casually noted that he never remembered having a birthday party until after he married my mum. I said, “What?” He had never had anyone throw him a birthday party – for his entire childhood! Suddenly everything changed for me. He had no memory of anyone being there for his special moments and although he never intentionally tried to hurt me, he wasn’t there for many of mine. This realisation didn’t change or excuse what had happened but it did help me understand more about my dad and his story.
Everyone has a story to tell!
I remember hearing a story about a man sitting on a train, reading his newspaper when another man came onto the train and sat right next to him. He slouched and closed his eyes as if to shut out the world. He had two young children with him who proceeded to run around the train, disturbing everyone in sight.
The man couldn’t believe it. Why didn’t this man control his children? Eventually, when his annoyance reached a certain level, he said, “Excuse me, sir, why don’t you stop your kids from running around?”
The man slowly came to and said, “I’m sorry. We just came from the hospital where their mother died. I don’t know what to do and I guess neither do they.”
Talk about a paradigm shift! In a moment, this man’s emotions moved from anger to empathy.
It is so easy to judge. But everyone has a story to tell. Empathy means to stand in someone else’s shoes and see life from their perspective.
In your next conversation with someone, try asking this question: “Help me understand …”
One of the most powerful things you can give another person is the gift of empathy.
This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!
You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube channel.
If I’m reading an annoying email and someone knocks at my door and I turn to them and yell, “What!?” That’s not very relationally intelligent. I’ve taken my emotion from one situation and bled it all over a different person for no reason at all. I’m sure they’d think twice before knocking on my door again.
If instead, I quarantine my annoyance over the email and turn to the person knocking at my door and say with a smile, “Hi, how can I help you?” I’ve demonstrated something called ‘emotional intelligence.
Well-known psychologist, Daniel Goleman has done a lot of research on the components of success, especially in the workplace. His conclusion is that Technical Skill and Intellectual Intelligence (or IQ) are very important, but that the quality of Emotional Intelligence (or EQ = Emotional Quotient), is the most essential. In fact, it’s twice as important as the other two attributes.
Emotional intelligence is learning to be aware of our own moods and take control of our emotions. It also includes knowing how to relate well to a wide variety of people.
How do we do that? Well, Jesus gave us some great advice as recorded in Matthew 7:12 when he said, “Do for others what you would like them to do for you.”
Some people call this the “Golden Rule”. The relational wisdom here is to take the time to think about how you like to be treated.
Then the application is to intentionally develop the qualities of a good friend and intentionally avoid or get rid of traits of people that annoy you.
This is proper advice for ALL of our relationships – think about how you want to be treated and then YOU take the initiative. Begin treating other people in that way. What a difference that makes!
Imagine a world where every one of us followed this basic principle of relationships.
This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!
You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube channel.
Welcome to this new series of Soul Food which is on the topic of Relational Intelligence. Life is all about relationships and we’ll be looking at a whole range of skills and insights to improve our relationships – at home, at work, at school, in our neighbourhoods … wherever we find ourselves.
Relationships are built, developed, and maintained through good communication and an essential part of good communication is the art of listening.
Unfortunately, we easily develop a bunch of bad habits when it comes to listening. I know, because I’ve mastered all of these!
Thankfully, we can all develop some good habits when it comes to listening:
Are you a good listener? Why not talk a little less this week. Ask a lot more questions. Listen more.
You’ll be a better friend … and you’ll learn a lot.
Someone once said, “We have two ears, but only one mouth, so we may listen twice as much as we speak.” That’s good advice.
Make a decision to be a better listener, beginning today. In doing so, all of your relationships will benefit.
This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!
You can watch this episode on video on the Soul Food YouTube Channel.
The topics covered so far in this Relational Intelligence series include:
Episode 07 of Soul Food is about Relationships and can be viewed on the Soul Food YouTube channel. Here is the transcript …
I don’t know about you but the hardest thing about this global pandemic is not being able to catch up with my family and friends. Just to be able to sit down together, have a drink, and hang out.
Us humans were made for relationships. We have this innate need to belong, to have a tribe, and then to connect on a regular basis. Relationships are vital for our own well-being.
Relationships are also ‘spatial’. They can be seen as occurring in a series of concentric circles.
How do you find a best friend? Well, it starts with choosing to be friendly and making lots of acquaintances. The more people we meet and interact within different settings, the more opportunities we have to make close friends. It’s an inexact science and often an awkward process but as we invest time and effort in our relationships with other people, good friendships usually emerge.
Relationships change over time and in different seasons and circumstances.
What is your current relational constellation?
Another insight about relationships is that the degree of openness determines the degree of closeness in any friendship.
I had a lunch with a friend a few years back. As we sat down I asked him how he was going. He said, “Awesome!” He then began to tell me all the good things happening in his life. When he was done, he asked me how I was doing. I paused and thought to myself, “Will I do the ‘awesome’ thing or will I be honest?” I chose the second option. So I said to him, “Actually, things have been a little tough lately. There have been a few challenges at work and …” I was simply honest and open with him about my life. The whole tone of the conversation changed. In fact, when I was done, he told me that he was doing that well either.
Openness encourages openness. Authenticity and vulnerability are essential in building close friendships. This is not easy, especially in a world that values ‘image’ and having it all together.
Have you got a safe friend who asks you, “How are you going … really?” If you do, you are a truly blessed person. If you don’t, then take some steps today to build your friendship circles. Hopefully, over time, some safe people will emerge. What a gift they are!
That’s all for today. This has been Episode 07 of Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!
To listen to a 20-minute message on ‘How to Improve Your Relationships’, visit Mark’s podcast channel.