Category: Family

In most marriages, one person is wired a little more relationally than the other. Often it is the wife … but not always.

If so, husbands, find a quiet time and place and ask your wife these two simple questions: 

1. "How would you rate the current state/health of our marriage on a scale of 1-10?" 10 being you should start your own marriage seminar, 1 being you desperately need to attend a marriage seminar. No negative numbers, please. Note, that it will probably be lower than your score. Don't start an argument about that!

2. Then ask her, "What do you think would improve our marriage?" Then consider doing just that. Women often have great relational insight. 

[If the husband happens to be the more relational person in the marriage, then reverse this exercise]

Divorce and Remarriage

In Matthew 19:1-9, we have a record of the Pharisees trying to trick Jesus with a question about divorce, a hotly debated topic of his day. Everyone today has or knows a friend or family member who has been divorced and possibly remarried, or maybe we have even gone through that experience ourselves. Stories of family breakdown are usually filled with pain and heartache – for spouses and for children, if they are involved. Here in Australia 43% of first marriages end in divorce and the rates go up with second and subsequent marriages. One in three marriages today are a re-marriage, resulting in an increasing number of step-families and blended families. All sorts of questions emerge for the follower of Christ: What are the options when a marriage isn’t working? Is divorce ever okay? If divorced, what next? Is re-marriage okay or it is “committing adultery”?

People of the Book

The Bible is our final authority for belief and practice. We know what the Bible says, but what does it mean (exegesis) and how do we apply it (hermeneutics) to our lives today? Most churches today no longer follow the first century practices of foot washing, veil wearing and holy kissing.  Why do we ignore these instructions yet not others? How do we know what is culturally bound and what is timeless? Is the Bible like a legal constitution providing case law for every conceivable life situation or more like a library of God-inspired stories with insights and instructions for us to glean from? No doubt, two important principles of interpretation include considering the “context” and also the “complete mention” of a topic or subject.

Moses and Israel

To understand the context of what is occurring in this exchange between Jesus and the Pharisees we need to go back to some Mosaic Law about divorce and remarriage, primarily recorded in Deuteronomy 24:1-4. The purpose of this legislation was to regulate the practice of divorce during the time of Moses and Israel. Though never sanctioned by God, divorce and remarriage did occur during this time. The debate was never about whether divorce could occur or whether remarriage was okay after that but about the acceptable grounds for divorce. The legislation had practical and moral aims (to protect the woman, the most vulnerable person in the marriage, from ‘no fault’ divorce, to give her a written document permitting her to remarry without accusation of adultery, and to protect any subsequent marriage). Moses aim was to control and reduce divorce, not condone or legalise it.

Back to Jesus

The Pharisees were trying to trap Jesus by drawing him into an argument about acceptable grounds for divorce. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” (Matt.19:3) There were two main Rabbinic views at the time: (1) the House of Shammai said a man must not divorce his wife unless he found her unfaithful (“indecent”), (2) the House of Hillel said a man could divorce his wife even for trivial grounds such as spoiling a meal. Rabbi Akiba went even further saying a man could divorce his wife for no fault at all, but merely because of finding someone more beautiful than her (“she becomes displeasing to him”)!

Jesus, knowing their trap, bypassed their pedantic debate about Deuteronomy 24 and went right back to God’s original plan for marriage in Genesis (1:27; 2:24). What God joined together in marriage was not to be broken by anyone for any reason (Matt.19:4-6). The Pharisees had their answer but wouldn't give up. Next they misquote Moses by saying, “Why then did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” (Matt.19:7) The form of their question showed that they had taken the lax Akiba position – all that is required for divorce is to observe the legal formalities by putting in in writing. Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matt.19:8-9) In reply, Jesus says: Moses did allow divorce; it was a concession to the hardness of people’s hearts; divorce was not part of God’s original purposes; and when a man divorces his wife (other than for “sexual immorality”) and marries another, he commits adultery. Jesus is not attacking or altering the law of Moses, which he did not come to abolish (Matt.5:17-20), but their twisting of Moses’ intent.

So what is Jesus really saying about divorce? Some people interpret his words as forbidding all divorce and remarriage, saying that any re-marriage is a continual act of adultery, because the first marriage is a permanent bond before God. However, this would be a complete contradiction of Mosaic teaching and practice (which acknowledged that divorce could occur and that any re-marriage is a real marriage) as well as Jesus’ approach to the Samaritan woman (John 4) who had been married five times but now had “no husband” (Jesus did not say that she was still married to her first or any of her previous husbands). Jesus is clearly confronting the Pharisees lax approach to divorce and taking them back to God’s ideal, which is for marriage to be seen as a lifelong relationship characterized by friendship, loving care, sexual intimacy and commitment. To seek a divorce with the specific intent of marrying another person is nothing short of an adulterous act. That’s what Jesus was making a firm stand against. His comments do not deal with all problems or questions related to divorce, nor do they address what people who are already divorced should do or even those who go ahead and get divorced. None of these issues are in view. Jesus wanted them to stop tearing apart (through easy divorce) what God had put together (through marriage). All divorce is to be seen as a tragedy and contrary to God’s will.

Marriage Breakdown

Tom Wright, in his commentary on the Gospel of Matthew, notes that car manuals today usually include instructions of what to do if the car breaks down or an accident occurs. That’s not because the manufacturer is hoping this will occur! They want you to drive safely, free of trouble, worry and fear. But sometimes people get into difficult situations and its important to know what to do. Moses, Jesus and Paul did the same when it came to marriage. They didn’t command or encourage marriage breakdown, but did talk about what to do if it occurs.

Whenever there is marriage conflict or breakdown, followers of Christ should make every effort to work towards forgiveness, reconciliation and restoration of the relationship (see for instance Matthew 18:15-35, which immediately precedes Jesus comments on marriage and divorce). The church should always work towards that aim. There may be situations when a marriage has broken down so far as to be beyond repair. God himself eventually divorced Old Testament Israel due to her repeated unfaithfulness. Acceptable grounds for divorce include sexual unfaithfulness (Matt.19:9) and desertion (1Cor.7:12-16), but by principle may also include incidences where a person’s life and well-being are in continual danger. It is interesting that ‘divorce’ is never listed in Paul’s lists of sins. Divorce sometimes simply makes public and permanent the actual breakdown of the marriage. The real sin is in the failure to keep the marriage vows that resulted in the eventual divorce.

When considering the issue of marriage breakdown, while continuing to uphold and work towards God’s ideal of lifelong marriage as stated by Jesus, we also need to embrace the compassion that Jesus had towards hurting and broken people, showing them kindness and forgiveness (see John 8:1-11). God is the God of the second chance. We all gather at the foot of the cross and around the communion table as saved sinners, in desperate need of God’s forgiveness and grace. In Christ, grace and truth meet together in perfect unity. The church is to be a place of healing and restoration – for individuals and families.

Reflection Questions

1. Consider how divorce may have touched or impacted your life, friends or family.

2. Reflect on the importance of using the Bible as it was intended by applying proper principles of interpretation, such as consideration of context, background and the overall flow of the Scriptural redemption story.

3. Re-read Deuteronomy 24 and Matthew 19. Did you see these passages in any new ways?

4. How can we continue to uphold the ‘ideal’ of lifelong marriage (truth) while also acknowledging that God forgives us when we fail and gives us a second chance (grace)?

5. What are some options for a spouse if their marriage is not going well and their partner is not interested in improving the relationship?

6. What is some advice for someone entering a second marriage, given the high percentage of divorces for second and subsequent marriages?

7. What are some of the unique challenges of step and/or blended families and how can these be navigated?

8. Think of a couple you know who you believe have a great marriage. What are the characteristics or ingredients that make it that way? 

9. In what ways can we strengthen and improve the quality of Christian marriages today?

10. A tip for husbands: ask your wife to evaluate the health of your marriage from 1-10 (it will probably be lower than your score!). Then ask her what she thinks would improve it. Then consider doing just that. Women often have great relational insight! [If the husband happens to be the more relational person in the marriage, then reverse this exercise]

11. How can we help remove the embarrassment that sometimes accompanies a couple asking for help from a counsellor or pastor with their marriage?

12. Pray for families, especially for marriages to be strong and healthy. 

For Further Reading

Divorce and the Christ-Community: A New Portrait by Dr Gary Collier (online eBook).

Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage by Kevin J. Conner (Melbourne, Australia: KJC Publications, 2004).

Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities by David Instone-Brewer (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 2006).

Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible: The Social and Literary Context by David Instone-Brewer (Grand Rapids, MI: WM. B. Eerdmans Publishing, 2002).

Marriage and Divorce: The New Testament Teaching by B. Ward Powers (Petersham, NSW: Jordan Books Ltd, 1987).

“Sexuality and Sexual Ethics” by J.M. Sprinkle in Dictionary of the Old Testament: Pentateuch edited by T.M. Alexander and David W. Baker (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 2003).

“Divorce” by H.R. Stein in Dictionary of Jesus and the Gospels edited by Joel B. Green and Scot McKnight (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 1992).

Divorce and Remarriage: Four Christian Views edited by H. Wayne House (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 1993).

A Moral Vision of the New Testament by Richard Hayes (New York, NY: Bloomsbury Publishing, 2004).

Let’s talk about the family. There have been many popular TV families over the years – Little House on the Prairie, The Waltons, The Brady Bunch, The Cosby Show, Friends, The Simpsons and now Modern Family. Some people say that television shapes the culture while others say it simply reflects the culture. A few would even say it is 5 years behind the culture. What we do know is that today’s families are changing and facing tremendous pressure both from within and without. Complex questions are emerging about such matters as blended families, same-sex attraction, as well as divorce and remarriage. 

Families in Bible Times

What did families look like in biblical times? In the first book of the Bible, Genesis, the sphere of action is the family not the nation. Crucial events occur in the home, not the court or the battlefield. Genesis is a succession of family narratives, ‘family’ often meaning a whole clan or household (not the typical ‘nuclear family’ of the modern world). In primitive times, people lived primarily in patriarchal groups that grew as sons brought wives and children into the clan (e.g. Noah’s ‘family’ included his wife, his sons and their wives). The eldest son (the 'firstborn') was given preferential treatment and this was also a time of arranged marriges for children once they reached 15-18 years of age.

As well as experiencing many good times together, these first families faced a wide range of problems. Cain murdered his brother Abel in a fit of jealous rage. Noah got drunk. Lot offered his virgin daughters to the aggressive men of Sodom; later, his daughters got their father drunk and were then impregnated by him. Abraham, Isaac and Jacob all played favourites with their kids, causing all sorts of family problems. Their story includes squabbling spouses, sibling rivalry and children being deceitful. Later on, Reuben slept with his father’s concubine and Judah slept with his daughter-in-law who was disguised as a prostitute. And this is the ‘godly line’! It reads like a script from a modern-day soap opera.

The Old Testament presents the family as a deeply flawed institution in a fallen world, highlighting the ups and downs of human relationships. It’s a place of hope and blessing, yet at times disappointment and struggle. It sure shatters the myth of the perfect family! These families were pretty dysfunctional, yet God worked through them. The Old Testament ends with a promise of reconciliation and harmony (Mal.4:6), the opposite of the images of family discord and fragmentation that seem to have been the norm in these ancient stories.

By the time of Jesus, the typical family living in the Roman Empire was a ‘household’ family (Greek oikos), usually consisting of a husband, a wife, children and slaves (all of the latter being the ‘property’ of the man). Household codes served as models for order. The apostle Paul did not seek to overthrow existing social structures (including slavery and patriarchal households) but rather infused them with new kingdom ethics. In his own household codes (Eph.5:21 – 6:9. Col.3:18 – 4:1), after presenting mutual submission as the ideal (Eph.5:21), he commands those in society’s positions of authority (husbands, parents and slave owners) to provide loving leadership and he addresses those in society’s subordinate roles (wives, children and slaves) as persons in their own right and to be treated with dignity, something quite radical for this era in human history. Paul emphasised the interdependent and complementary nature of these roles and requirements, showing that care and compassion for one’s natural family is vital (1 Tim.5:4,8).  

Today's Families

Like in biblical times, today’s families come in a diversity of shapes and sizes: the ‘traditional’ or ‘nuclear’ family (dad, mum and kids), single parent families, married couples without children, blended families, and extended families to name a few. There are also vast differences between ancient and modern times when it comes to social structures, as well as the opportunity for both men and women when it comes to education and choices that can be made outside of inherited ‘class’ or social status. 

Common challenges facing families today include: conflict, communication breakdown, time pressures, mental health issues (including depression and anxiety), addictions (including substance abuse, gambling and pornography), the impact of social media and finances.

God's Family

God reveals himself as a Father (God also has motherly qualities – Isaiah 49:14-17; 66:13. Matt.23:37) who desires each one of us to be part of his family (Deut.1:31. Eph.3:14-15). His desire is to place the lonely in families (Ps.68:6) where they can experience love and a sense of belonging. Jesus is the way to the Father (John 8:42) and provides the means for us to be ‘born again’ (John 3) or adopted into God’s family. Jesus placed this spiritual family as taking precedence even over one’s natural family (Matt.12:46-50; 10:34-37. Mark 3:21, 31-35. Luke 12:51-53). Family ties were to be respected and strengthened where possible, yet always as secondary to the family of believers (1Tim.5:1-2). Christians are ‘brothers and sisters’ in Christ – the most common designation of followers of Jesus in the New Testament – and part of the family of God, God’s household. This family is not meant to be cliquey but one that is always open and ready to welcome new sons and daughters of God.  It is a family characterised by equality (even slaves and masters are of equal status and value in Christ), unity and love.

THE Key to a Healthy Family

The core foundation of any healthy relationship or family is LOVE. It’s a love of a different kind – God’s kind of love. Not merely friendship love, affectionate love or romantic love but a love that is a decision to do what is best for another person, even at personal sacrifice. Jesus calls us as his followers to love other, including our family, as he has loved us (John 13:34-35), a love that will prove to the world that we are his disciples, when they see how we treat each other. The apostle Paul puts it like this: “Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.” [Ephesians 5:1-2. Message Bible] 

How easy it is for us to get caught up in the details of daily family life – the tasks, jobs and transactions – and forget its primary purpose: loving God and people. May random acts of kindness become a regular occurrence in all of our homes and families!

Reflection Questions

1. What was your favourite TV show as a kid growing up and why?

2. What surprises or interests you the most about families in biblical times?

3. What do you think are the 3 most common pressures families face today?

4. In what ways can the church become more of a genuine spiritual ‘family’ for people, including singles, young adults, married couples, single parents and grandparents?

5. Read Jesus’ comments in Matthew 12:46-50 and 10:34-37. Is ‘family first’ a biblical value?

6. Read the description of ‘love’ in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. How does this apply to families?

7. Spend some time praying for your family. 

See Also

When Families Break Down

 

Today, let’s talk about being single. Singles are people who have never married (because they chose not to marry or have not found a partner) or those who have been married but are single again because of the death of a spouse or through divorce. This includes single parents.

American theologian Stanley Hauerwas argues that Christianity was the very first religion to hold up single adulthood as a viable way of life. Nearly all ancient religions and cultures made an absolute value of the family and of bearing children, which was seen as the only way to significance and leaving a legacy. In ancient cultures, long-term single adults were considered to be living a human life that was less than fully realised. But Christianity’s founder, Jesus Christ, and leading theologian, St Paul, were both single. Early Christianity affirmed the goodness of single life as no other faith or worldview ever had, never pressuring people to marry.

As part of a church family, singles should never lack brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers, in Christ.  The future is guaranteed by God, not by having a family. Singleness is not “Plan B for the Christian life.” Marriage is not a superior status to singleness or visa versa. Yes, God created marriage but it is not a requirement for everyone. Both marriage and singleness are appropriate options for life.

Jesus, the Single

Through his death and resurrection, Jesus brought about the long-awaited redemption of humanity. His teaching instructs us how to live our life but his entire life itself is an example for us. Jesus was a fulfilled and joyful person, although single and unmarried. Single people can learn a lot from how Jesus lived.

1. Develop a Close Relationship with your Heavenly Father (Identity)

Jesus’ relationship with his Father was central to who he was as a person. They had a close and intimate relationship, Jesus using the term “Abba, Father”, or Daddy (Mark 14:36. John 11:41; 12:27, 28; 15:16; 17:1, 5, 11, 21, 24, 25). Jesus took regular time to talk to his Father and this relationship was clearly the source of his identity, his security, his approval, his fulfilment and his contentment. This enabled Jesus to face opposition, criticism, fame and popularity, slander, lies, rejection (forsaken by even his close friends), verbal attack, injustice and physical abuse.

Each one of us has a strong need for a sense of identity, acceptance, love, security, approval, and significance. We can easily look for this in relationships, including marriage, or in achievement. But these are unstable sources for these primary needs. Anything, even a good thing, that we make the primary thing in our life becomes an “idol” that replaces what God alone can be for us. Jesus came to reveal the Father to each one of us (John 14:6) and to provide a way for us to have an intimate relationship with him so that we too could find this strong sense of identity in our relationship with Him. Through Christ, we can have spiritual birth into God’s family (John 1:12-13. 1 John 3:1-2. Gal.4:4-7. Rom.8:15. 2 Cor.6:17-18. Matt.5:16; 6:1, 6, 8; 7:11). We need a revelation of Father God and an ongoing dynamic relationship with Him, walking in his amazing love for us (Eph.1:17; 3:14-21).

Unfortunately, because of the breakdown of marriage and family relationships, we often end up with distorted concept of God as a Father. However, no matter what our earthly father was like, God is a perfect Father – kind and just in all His ways. Father God loves us unconditionally, not based on our performance (Rom.5:8. 1 Jn.4:7-10, 16-18); he gives us a sense of worth and value; in him we have a sense of identity, security and significance as sons and daughters of the living God; he provides us with appropriate discipline, when necessary because he loves us (Heb.12:4 11); and he cares for us, giving us his protection and provision. Do you know God as your Father? How is your relationship with Him?

2. Build Healthy Friendships (Belonging)

As strong as Jesus’ relationship was with His Father, he wasn’t a loner. He developed many friendships and relationships with other people including his natural family, his twelve disciples (of which Peter, James and John were his closest friends), and a number of women who he had healthy non-romantic relationships with (Matt.27:55-56; Luke 8:1-3). Jesus did life in community with others and thereby experienced a strong sense of belonging in his life.

God created us to communicate and relate to others. No one is born to live alone or in isolation (Gen.2:18). We all need to be accepted, loved and have a sense of belonging. Two are better than one (Ecc.4:9-12) and good times are spent with friends. Our friends influence us probably more than anyone else (Prov.12:26. 1 Cor.15:33-34). Therefore, it is important to choose the right friends. Good friendships don’t just happen. They are built over time. They require genuine love, which is putting the interests of the other person before our own (1 Cor.13:4-8a. John 15:12-13. 1 Pet.4:7-8), and loyalty, which includes being faithful and trustworthy (Prov.17:17; 18:24).

Romantic relationships need to be handled with care, understanding the difference between friendship (platonic relationships), romance (dating or going out with a potential marriage partner) and marriage (preceded by engagement). When we move too far, too soon there is the possibility of hurt, pain, broken relationships, and emotional scars. God’s will is sexual purity before and within marriage. When choosing a potential marriage partner, consider compatibility (spiritual life, character, personality, background, physical attraction and life purpose), affirmation from family and trusted friends, and the test of time.

3. Serve a Cause Beyond Yourself (Purpose)

Jesus gave his life for a cause beyond himself. He lived for others, in genuine love, compassion and concern. He focused his energy and zeal into extending God’s work on the earth (John 10:15). He came to serve and to give (Phil.2:5-11. Jn.13:1-17. Mt.20:27-28). Jesus lived and died for others.

Selfishness is a major problem in our society today. Whether single or married, it is easy to spend our time, money and energy on selfish pursuits, to be pre-occupied with our own needs, desires, and interests. Jesus died for our sin and our selfishness, and he desires us to die to self and live for God and others (Mark 8:34-37). Each one of us has unique talents, abilities and spiritual gifts. God wants us to use them to serve others and to advance His cause in the world. This requires us to renew our mind and change our thinking (Rom.12:1-2). It’s a call to be other’s centred living (Phil.2:5). It’s about waking up each day with a mindset that says, “I am a servant”. Take initiative. Commit yourself to the service of God and others – at home, work, church, school, and in our world. Serving a cause beyond yourself leads to greater joy, meaning and fulfilment in life.

Sample Reflection Questions

1. Ask the singles how they felt about this message in the Modern Family series. What was most helpful? What else could have been said?

2. How can married couples and families in the church make single people more welcome?

3. In what ways is singleness sometimes considered “Plan B” in our Western culture?

4. Reflect on the potential impact of knowing God as our Father and drawing our identity and significance from who we are, not what we do.

5. What are some important principles for followers of Christ to consider when dating someone?

6. Some singles fear marriage, preferring their independence. How can we help people avoid the “You aren’t a whole person until you’re married” mentality and the “You shouldn’t marry until you have professionally made it big and you find the perfect partner who won’t try to change you in any way” message that often comes from our contemporary culture?

7. Consider some ways single people can develop a sense of living for a cause beyond themselves.