A burglar broke into a house, shining his torch around and looking for valuables.  He had just picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you."

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his torch and froze.

When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled  the stereo out, he heard: "Jesus is watching you."  Freaked out, he flashed his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot. 

 

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.  "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" 

 

"Moses," replied the bird.  "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" … and the bird said … "The same kind that would name their Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

A few funny questions to start off the week …

1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
2. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
3. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
4. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
5. Why is the person who invests money for you called a "broker"?
6. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"?
7. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
8. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
10. Can you cry under water?
11. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
12. Why is that people say they "sleep like a baby" when most babies wake up every two hours?
13. How do "please keep off the grass" signs get there?
14. What does the "K" in "K-Mart" actually stand for?

Have a terrific week!

On a lighter note … do you think dogs go to heaven?

Two churches in a southern USA town are fighting it out. You could call it a 'signs debate' between Our Lady of Martyrs Catholic Church and Cumberland Presbyterian, a fundamentalist church, which are right across the street from each other. 

From top to bottom you will see the response and counter-response over time …

Are you feeling more Catholic or Presbyterian on this issue?

Continue reading “Do Dogs Go to Heaven?” →

An oxymoron is a figure of speech that combines two contradictory terms, like 'controlled chaos', 'deafening silence', 'alone together', or 'second best'. Interestingly, the very word 'oxymoron' is an oxymoron itself because it comes from two Greek words: 'oxy' which means 'sharp' or 'pointed' and 'moros' which means 'dull'.

Here are a few of my favourites … with apologies in advance for any potential offences 🙂

• Fun Run
• Country Music
• Military Intelligence
• United Nations
• Open Secret
• Black Light
• Ill Health
• Half Dead
• Pretty Ugly
• Microsoft Works
• Safety Hazard
• Jumbo Shrimp
• Same Difference

If you really want to get into oxymorons, check out this web site.

A few more …

 

 

Here are a few laughs that a friend sent me …. Enjoy!

 

A friend (a woman!) sent me this … you've gotta laugh …

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
 
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! 
 
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
 
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
 
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs
 
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: 
 
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
 
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
 
So she continues upward.. The third floor sign reads:
 
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
 
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
 
She goes to the fourth f loor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
 
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
 
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
 
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
 
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: 
 
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
 
PLEASE NOTE: 
 
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
 
The first floor has wives that love sex.
 
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
 
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

The Silent Generation … people born between 1925 and 1945.

The Baby Boomers … people born between 1946 and 1964.

Generation X … people born between 1965 and 1982.

Generation Y … people born between 1983 and 1997.

Why do we call the last group of people Generation Y? I had no idea until I saw this caricaturist's explanation. Double click on the picure below. A picture is worth a thousand words … 🙂

Continue reading “Generation Y” →

A funny Christmas story …

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.

"I see … and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms Terri said. "But who’s the fourth person?"

"Oh, that’s Pontius – the Pilot!"

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.

"Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man, nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works!

[Source: Tony Scott on Crikey.com]

A few weeks back we had a gathering of our ArtwoRx ministry – all of the singers, musicians, audio, media, and drama team members of our church. Ian Moyes, who heads up our audio ministry, shared a creative twist on 1 Corinthians 13 – the supremacy of love – from a technical arts perspective. I hope you enjoy it …

If I use the vocalisation waveforms of my facial resonance cavity but don’t have love, I am only an oscillating Q-curve shaped brass resonator.

If I have the gift of time-shifted data and can zero-in to single bit-depth magnification of phase-jittered information streams, and if I have a faith that can move earthen acoustic insulation and reflection mounds, but have not love, I am lower than zero bits.

If I burn my entire recording studio and all my musical instruments, but have not love, I have the volume of negative infinity decibels.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

But where there is time-shifted data, it will be erased; where there are vocalisation waveforms of facial resonance cavities, their waveforms will appear along the centre 0dB line; where there is single bit-depth magnification of phase-jittered information streams, they will be permanently unplugged.

For our waveforms are missing data and our information streams are corrupted, but when analogue waveforms with no noise or distortion come, the corrupted data disappears.

When I was a child, I performed like a child, I wrote songs like a child, I mixed sound like a child – I even engineered lights like a child. But when I became a man, I put childish ways behind me (sort of!).

Now we see a positive-voltage waveform distorted and polarity reversed; then we shall see the pure analogue waveform with no noise or distortion. Now I have but partial data; then I shall have the entire uninterrupted high density digital stream, even as my own personal recording data is rendered. (scary)

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Well done, Ian 🙂

There is no doubt that the world economy has been in a bit of a turmoil of late with extreme volatility in things such as the value of the dollar, the share market, and property. 

Here's a humorous attempt to try to make some sense of it all …

 

21 Economic Models Explained with Cows

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away …

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Continue reading “Understanding the Economy” →

With our annual men's conference about to start, I thought some male/female humour would be a bit of fun for today's blog post.

Enjoy!

WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER THAN WOMEN

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Same work, more pay.

Wedding dress $5000. Tuxedo rental – $100.

One mood all the time.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness,

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You can do your Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Continue reading “Why Men are Happier Than Women” →

Did you know that being part of a church gathering is the safest place to be!

Statistics tell us:

1. Do NOT ride in automobiles: they cause 20% of all fatal accidents.

2. Do NOT travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all accidents happen on these.

3. Do NOT walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all accidents happen to pedestrians.

4. Do NOT stay home: 17% of all accidents occur in the home.

5. Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are related to previous physical disorders.

Hence, the safest place for you to be at any time is church!

The lesson is: Spend more time in church! IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!