Mark Conner Contemporary Culture, Evangelism and Mission, Relationships, Travel

How’s Your Cultural Intelligence?

CQ-word-cloud

The apostle Paul worked hard to relate to a wide variety of people. Have a read of this from his letter to the church at Corinth in the first century:

1 Corinthians 9:19-23. Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose–living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized––whoever. I didn't take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ––but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I've become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God–saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn't just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it. Message Bible

As followers of Christ, we are to the same. This means learning to relate to people of different personalities, background, educational level, religious belief, age, gender and race. When it comes to race and nationality, we now live in a truly 'global village'. Yet people living in different localities still have their unique manners and customs.

Over the last month, for the purpose of both holidays and ministry, I have had the privilege of travelling to Russia (St Petersburg and Moscow), Sweden (Uppsala), Poland, Ethiopia (Addis Ababa) and United Arab Emirates (Abu Dhabi). What a whirlwind it has been yet what an enjoyable experience visiting different places and meeting different people.

Cultural differences include (noted by David Livermore):

  • Individualistic versus Collectivist.
  • Low verses High Power Distance.
  • Cooperative verses Competitive.
  • Punctuality verses Relationships.
  • Direct verses Indirect.
  • Being verses Doing. 
  • Particularist verses Universalist.
  • Neutral verses Affective.
  • Tight verses Loose.

These differences can be seen across a wide range of cultures, including Anglo, Germanic, Easter European, Asian (with many differences between regions), Latin American, African, and Arab … just to name a few.

A simple example is my recent experience with Indigenous Australians. When two men from Western descent greet each other, after exchanging names, their next question is always something like, "So what do you do?" We derive our primary identity from our work – our doing. In contrast, when two indigenous men meet, after exchanging names, their next question is more likely to be "Who's your mob?" In other words, tell me about your family. In their culture, your family and tribe are the source of your identity – your being. What a difference this makes in how people from these two different go about their daily lives!

Not everyone will travel, like I have had the opportunity to do, but people from different cultures are everywhere around us – in our neighbourhoods, our schools, our workplaces and our churches. Everyone of us should seek to understand people who are different, so we can better love and appreciate them, do life together with them with appreciation, and share the love of Jesus with them in meaningful ways.

Every time I travel to a new place, I do a few things to prepare myself:

1. Read as much as I can about the history, demographics, and local culture. Wikipedia as well as various travel guides are a good source of up-to-date information.

2. Learn about the people – their values, language, interests, education and well-being.

3. Study various maps to understand the geographical area and it proximity to other places.

4. Read about the state of Christian faith in a particular area, as well as the other local religious beliefs. Operation World is an excellent resource for this.

I am always enriched the more I know and understand about the people I am visiting and connecting with. 

Here's some recommended further reading for those who are interested in learning more:

Mark Conner Relationships, Spirituality

The Power of a Clear Conscience

ClearThe apostle Paul spoke a lot about a 'clear conscience' back in the first century. Here are two examples:

  • "Friends, I've lived with a clear conscience before God all my life, up to this very moment." Acts 23:1. MB
  • "I always try to maintain a clear conscience before God and all people." Acts 24:16. NLT
  • "The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith." 1 Timothy 1:5. NLT
  • "Cling to your faith in Christ, and keep your conscience clear. For some people have deliberately violated their consciences; as a result, their faith has been shipwrecked." 1 Timothy 1:19. NLT

A deep awareness of right and wrong, as well as a desire to do what is right (and an inability to always do it!), is a unique aspect of all human beings, regardless of a person's culture, race or background. Most people prefer justice over injustice, love over hate, peace over war, and forgiveness over violence. We may not always work for it; but we know it's right. It's just the way things are. For people of faith like myself, this is one of those indicators of God's fingerprints in our world. The presence of a 'law' reflects the existence of a 'lawgiver'. He has written that law on our hearts.

Our conscience is that part of us that indicates to our mind and heart whether we are doing what is right or wrong, urging us to do the right.

I heard the story of an American Indian who was asked to describe a 'conscience' to a young person. He described it like this:

"Your conscience is like a wooden triangle on the inside of you. When you do something wrong it turns, causing pain and urging you to stop. If you heed it's warning, it stops turning. If you don't, it keeps turning. However, if you ignore it long enough, over a period of time, the edges of the wooden triangle will wear off. At that time, when you do something wrong, it will still turn, but you will no longer feel anything."

What a profound answer!

To me, living with a clear conscience means:

  • No unsettled accounts – with God or people.
  • Everything repented of … and forgiven.
  • Finishing each day with nothing left undone.
  • Beginning each day with a clear slate.

It means there is nothing that I am aware of between me and God or any other person that I have not done my very best to make right. Oh, the joy of a clear conscience. It leads to peace and an inner sense of well-being, enabling us to live fully present each moment … without guilt or regret about the past or fear and worry about the future. 

The apostle John, Jesus' closest disciple, put it this way:

This, in essence, is the message we heard from Christ and are passing on to you: God is light, pure light; there's not a trace of darkness in him. If we claim that we experience a shared life with him and continue to stumble around in the dark, we're obviously lying through our teeth – we're not living what we claim. But if we walk in the light, God himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God's Son, purges all our sin. If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins – make a clean breast of them – he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we've never sinned, we out–and–out contradict God – make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God. I write this, dear children, to guide you out of sin. But if anyone does sin, we have a Priest–Friend in the presence of the Father: Jesus Christ, righteous Jesus. When he served as a sacrifice for our sins, he solved the sin problem for good – not only ours, but the whole world's. 1 John 1:5 – 2.2. MB

May we know and experience the power of a clear conscience each day. 

 

Mark Conner Personal Development, Relationships

Grief

Grief

Ten tips for supporting someone who is grieving:

• Offer practical support such as meals, shopping, gardening, errands, lifts, etc. especially in the early days.

• Accept that everyone grieves differently. Grief is a normal and natural response to loss but everyone grieves differently.

• Don't judge. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Especially don't say "you should…" or "you shouldn't…"

• Accept a wide variety of emotions such as sadness, anger, confusion, fear, guilt, relief, etc. Such varied emotions are a natural response to the death of a loved one.

• Listen well. Bereaved people often need to talk about their grief and sometimes it's okay to just sit in silence.

• Use the name of the lost loved one. Allow the bereaved person to talk of their loved one and to use their name.

• Avoid platitudes such as "At least you have other children", "it was meant to be", 'It's God's will', "Maybe God wanted another angel", etc. Well-meant statements like these are unhelpful and often hurtful.

• Don't say "I understand" or "I know how you feel". Individual grief is so complex that no-one can really understand how an individual feels.

• You can't fix it. No one can take away the pain and sadness but knowing that people care is comforting and healing.

• Don't assume. People who are grieving aren't necessarily showing it.

[Source: The Compassionate Friends Victoria]

Mark Conner Current Issues, Family, Relationships

Responding to Domestic Violence

DV

Right now, our vision as a church is to see over 10,000 stories of transformation. Recently, we have had a number of moving stories about individuals coming out of domesitc violence situations. These are people who once felt isolated, hopeless, and helpless. Now they feel cared for and looked after. These stories provide hope for anyone affected by domestic violence.

Domestic violence (sometimes referred to as ‘family violence’ or ‘interpersonal violence’) is defined as “a pattern of coercive or controlling behaviour used by one individual to gain or maintain power and control over another individual in the context of an intimate relationship. This includes any behaviours that frighten, intimidate, terrorise, exploit, manipulate, blame, injure, or wound a person.”

It is estimated that at least 1 in 4 women is a victim of domestic abuse in her lifetime. There were 65,000 police reports of domestic violence in Victoria last year (almost double those reported in 2010). In Australia, the police deal with a domestic violence matter every 2 minutes. It can happen to anyone, regardless of your background.

“Violent abuse” refers to “using physical violence in a way that injures or endangers someone.” Physical assault or battery is a crime, as well as serveal other forms of domestic violence, whether it occurs inside or outside the family. The police have the authority and power to protect victims from physical attack. The victims of violent abuse have the right to protect themselves and their children.

Domestic abuse is dangerous in ALL its forms (not just physical violence) – including willful intimidation, sexual assault, stalking, verbal or emotional abuse, economic control, psychological abuse and isolation. Physical violence is sometimes easier to recover from than psychological or emotional injuries that cause a person to feel worthless. Threats of abuse can be as frightening as the abuse itself.

The Church

As a pastor, I need to confess that the Church, in general, hasn't always handled this issue well. We have often failed to believe that it can happen in Christian homes. There has been erroneous teaching about ‘submission’, ‘authority’, and ’obedience’ in the home, as well as misunderstandings about forgiveness and repentance. This has often created a culture of silence and acceptance. Here at CityLife, we are committed to doing a better job at helping to prevent domestic violence, confronting it when it does occur, and offering help to those involved – both the victim and the perpetrator.

Biblical Reflection

Central to the Christian message is that we believe in the good news of Jesus Christ. The Son of God took on human form, lived amongst us, so that we can have life, and life to the full! Any sort of abuse or violence hurts the heart of God. It is the very opposite of his sacrificial love. Abuse twists God’s good intention for marriage, the family and human relationships. God’s Word contains clear declarations against any form of physical or verbal abuse, including that of spouses or children. Psalm 11:5. “Those who love violence, God hates with a passion.” Instead, we are called to show kindness, generosity, and love to one another.

For Victims

If you are being abused, you need to know that abuse is not God’s will or part of God’s plan for your life. Enabling one person’s cruelty to another is not the will of a just and loving God. You don’t have to remain silent anymore. Please tell a friend, a family member, a pastor or ministry leader, or the authorities. You do not deserve this. It is not your fault. You are the victim of abuse and violence and it is wrong. You were created in the image of God and should be treated with dignity, love and respect You do not need to put up with it. It is not acceptable. If you don’t feel safe, please seek professional help in making a safety plan for yourself and the children. This may include leaving the situation or obtaining an intervention order. No person is expected to continue in an abusive environment.

For Perpetrators

If you are the one causing the abuse, you need to know that it is never okay to hurt or threaten to hurt anyone. Please get some professional help. Talk to someone you trust. Get some accountability.

CityLife Church

Domestic/family violence causes great damage in people’s lives. It has to stop. For anyone affected by domestic violence, we have counselors and pastors trained to be able to help you and offer support and strategies for you to move forward. Please call and ask for help.

Prayer

Father, you love us as your children and your desire is that our homes, our families, be places of love, care and encouragement – not places where we experience fear or abuse. I pray for wisdom and courage for those affected by domestic violence. Help them to take a step towards freedom today. For those caught in a cycle of abusing others, I pray that you would convict them and bring about change in their life. For us as a church, may we be a community of faith characterized by loving relationships. In Jesus name. Amen.

Continue reading “Responding to Domestic Violence” →

Mark Conner Current Issues, Family, Relationships

“Porn Kills Love” by Josiah Conner

We fight the drug of porn with the power of love

Ephesians 5:1-14

[Josiah Conner kicked off our Modern Family series last weekend with a message entitled "Porn Kills Love" (watch or listen). Here is a summary, along with some reflection questions]

Steak: We have taken the good gift of sex and turned it into something it is not.

Steak: food is for eating (we have twisted sex into something it isn’t).

1. Think about the ways that sex has been twisted away from God’s intention.

2. The dictionary defines pornography as: Sexually explicit writing, images, video, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal. Think about what kinds of pornography there are in our world.

3. Have a read of the statistics about pornography below. Consider whether these statistics are greater or lower than what you expected.

Scripture: The Bible tells us sex is sacred and is not to be cheapened.

The Bible is a book about God’s love for the world. Sex is a gift of God given with a purpose (Gen 1:26,31) but humanity through sin took it outside of its purpose. People tried to come back to God by their actions but it was the hearts that God was after (Prov 4:23, Matt 15:16-20, Matt 5). Sex is not just physical, it is spiritual (1 Cor 6:15-20, Eph 5:1-14).

1. Read through the Scriptures above. Reflect on why sex is more than just a physical act.

2. Do you think God or the Bible is against sex? 

Stats: Porn kills love

Here are some of the main ways that pornography kills love.

1. Brain: When we look at pornography it releases dopamine in our brain that rewires them to crave the feeling more and more. This is like taking drugs. We are the product of our habits (good and bad). Pornography becomes addicted to the good feelings of sex outside of the purpose in a loving committed relationship.

2. Relationships: Looking at pornography creates false perception of reality where we learn to expect what we see/read in pornography over real life. It creates distorted views of men and women. It decreases intimacy in marriage.

3. Injustice: participating in porn consumption creates the need for a system of injustice. While we may not be looking at the terrible aspects of pornography, they are all part of a system that makes abuse against women, child slavery and sexual abuse possible.

4. Spirit: porn pushes us away from the only one who can truly transform us. When you engage in pornography it pushes you away from God and community.

Are these statistics and consequences of pornography something you were aware of?

Shift: Fight porn with love

For those who are struggling here are some great next steps:

1. Choose: change starts with a choice. It may sound simple but what we tolerate we will never change. We need to make a conscious decision to change.

2. Talk: one of the great lies of the enemy is to make those struggling think they are the only ones struggling. We cannot do life on our own. We need community. As a church we need to create space for people to be real about their struggles and help lift one another up. (James 5:16)

3. Walk: Change your habits. There are some real practical ways you can change your habits. You can replace the bad habits with positive ones. Below are some great resources to assist your change

4. Journey: remember that change and growth is a journey. We are being transformed each day. Whatever our struggle, we must follow the example of Paul in Philippians (Phi 3:12-14) by forgetting what is behind and pressing on.

Response to Sin

How we respond to sin (of any kind) says a lot about our understanding of God and His grace. There are two extremes we want to avoid:

1. Rubbish: (kick someone while they are down). When someones is struggling we do not want to condemn them. If our first response to sin is retribution and not redemption than we are living under law and not grace.

2. Reinforce: (pretend it doesn’t matter). The other extreme is to overlook the sin. When we pretend sin doessn’t matter we cheapen the grace of Jesus.

The way that Jesus modelled is the best way to respond to sin (John 8)

3. Redeem (speak to the person they are yet to be). Jesus met people where they were but called them to something more. We want to speak to the potential in people. God met us at our worst and called children of God. We want to be a community that meets people wherever they are and calls them to their God given identity.

Recommended Resources

Mark Conner Current Issues, Family, Relationships

Say ‘No’ to Domestic Violence

Stop-domestic-violence
 
As a pastor and church leader, I have a confession to make:
 
The church has not handled the matter of domestic violence well.
 
Let me be more specific:
 
1. We have not done a good job of helping to prevent domestic violence, of confronting it when it does occur nor of helping those involved – both the perpetrator and victim.
 
2. There has been too much ignorance about the prevalence of domestic violence. Many church leaders have failed to believe that it can happen, even in Christian homes.
 
3. There has been much erroneous teaching about ‘submission’, ‘authority’, and ’obedience’ in the home. This has led to a culture of silence and acceptance..
 
4. Preachers have not taught on this subject nor referred to it enough in their messages.
 
5. Pastors and church leaders have not been equipped to address this matter (I can’t remember learning much about it in Bible College nor in seminary) nor have they equipped their congregation members with proper responses should domestic violence occur.
 
6. Pastors have often emphasised forgiveness and repentance at the expense of a person’s welfare and safety. For instance, a mid-1980s survey of 5,700 pastors in the USA revealed that 26% of pastors would advise an abused wife to continue to submit to their husband and trust God to honour her action (by either the abuse naturally stopping or giving her strength to endure). More shockingly, 71% of pastors said they would never advise a battered wife to leave or separate from their husband because of abuse. Clearly, greater priority has been given to keeping families together rather than ending the violence. 
 
Central to the Christian message is that we believe in the good news of Jesus Christ. The Son of God took on human form, lived among us, so that we can have LIFE (John 10:10)! Domestic violence not only causes great damage to the victim(s), it also hurts the heart of God because it is the very opposite of his sacrificial love and the abundant life he desires for us.
 
The Bible contains clear, unmistakable declarations against any form of physical, emotional or verbal abuse. It repeatedly calls on people to show kindness, generosity, and love to one another, and specifically condemns the abuse of wives and children. Domestic violence cannot be justified through the Bible and/or the Gospel of life and peace. The apostle Paul said: “As much as is possible, live at peace with everyone.” Sometimes, peace is no longer possible and immediate separation may be the safest and wisest option.
 
Every church needs to adopt a NO tolerance stance towards any and all acts of domestic violence. We need to recognise the serious implications and consequences of domestic violence. This issue needs to be addressed and spoken about more frequently in order to raise awareness and help people break through the fear barrier. Training needs to be provided for all church staff and leaders, as well as the preparation of helpful resources for assistance. Every church needs to be a ‘safe place’ for people to find support and care.
 
Personally, I don't have all the answers. There is a lot to learn. Our church pastors and counselors are dialoguing about this matter so we can become a greater help to families facing domestic violence as well as be able to continue to help build healthy, strong families where domestic violence is prevented. 
 
Please, join the conversation. Listen attentively. There is a lot of shame and fear involved with all of this. Speak up and speak out. Domestic violence has to STOP.
 
See also: Responding to Domestic Violence (June 2015)
 
 
Other Articles and Resources 

If you are in an abusive situation:

  • Contact the free DV hotline on 1800 656 463 (TTY 1800 671 442).
  • Walk into your local police station.
  • If you have been assaulted, call 000 immediately.
Mark Conner Relationships, Special Events

Dealing with Grief at Christmas Time

UnknownChristmas is a joyful time for most people. But for some it can be a difficult time, especially for those who have lost a loved one. Christmas reminds them of what or who is gone. The pain of that grief can be quite unbearable.

I had my first major encounter with grief when I lost my mother suddenly back in 1990. I had to navigate through all the ordinary stages of grief and it wasn't easy. The first Christmas after this was a painful time. Mum wasn't there any more and she wasn't coming back.

Let's be sensitive this year to those around us who may be in pain or grief. They may not be experiencing the joy and sense of celebration that we are. Reach out to them in love and compassion.

Prominent American church pastor, Rick Warren, and his wife Kay, experienced the unexpected death of their son Matthew not long ago. Kay recently wrote as article "Stop Sending Cheery Christmas Cards". Well worth reading and well worth heeding.

 

 

Mark Conner Family, Relationships

Two Simple Questions to Improve Your Marriage

1-couple-tense-lgnIn most marriages, one person is wired a little more relationally than the other. Often it is the wife … but not always.

If so, husbands, find a quiet time and place and ask your wife these two simple questions: 

1. "How would you rate the current state/health of our marriage on a scale of 1-10?" 10 being you should start your own marriage seminar, 1 being you desperately need to attend a marriage seminar. No negative numbers, please. Note, that it will probably be lower than your score. Don't start an argument about that!

2. Then ask her, "What do you think would improve our marriage?" Then consider doing just that. Women often have great relational insight. 

[If the husband happens to be the more relational person in the marriage, then reverse this exercise]

Mark Conner Family, Relationships

When Families Break Down

Modern Family Graphic

Divorce and Remarriage

In Matthew 19:1-9, we have a record of the Pharisees trying to trick Jesus with a question about divorce, a hotly debated topic of his day. Everyone today has or knows a friend or family member who has been divorced and possibly remarried, or maybe we have even gone through that experience ourselves. Stories of family breakdown are usually filled with pain and heartache – for spouses and for children, if they are involved. Here in Australia 43% of first marriages end in divorce and the rates go up with second and subsequent marriages. One in three marriages today are a re-marriage, resulting in an increasing number of step-families and blended families. All sorts of questions emerge for the follower of Christ: What are the options when a marriage isn’t working? Is divorce ever okay? If divorced, what next? Is re-marriage okay or it is “committing adultery”?

People of the Book

The Bible is our final authority for belief and practice. We know what the Bible says, but what does it mean (exegesis) and how do we apply it (hermeneutics) to our lives today? Most churches today no longer follow the first century practices of foot washing, veil wearing and holy kissing.  Why do we ignore these instructions yet not others? How do we know what is culturally bound and what is timeless? Is the Bible like a legal constitution providing case law for every conceivable life situation or more like a library of God-inspired stories with insights and instructions for us to glean from? No doubt, two important principles of interpretation include considering the “context” and also the “complete mention” of a topic or subject.

Moses and Israel

To understand the context of what is occurring in this exchange between Jesus and the Pharisees we need to go back to some Mosaic Law about divorce and remarriage, primarily recorded in Deuteronomy 24:1-4. The purpose of this legislation was to regulate the practice of divorce during the time of Moses and Israel. Though never sanctioned by God, divorce and remarriage did occur during this time. The debate was never about whether divorce could occur or whether remarriage was okay after that but about the acceptable grounds for divorce. The legislation had practical and moral aims (to protect the woman, the most vulnerable person in the marriage, from ‘no fault’ divorce, to give her a written document permitting her to remarry without accusation of adultery, and to protect any subsequent marriage). Moses aim was to control and reduce divorce, not condone or legalise it.

Back to Jesus

The Pharisees were trying to trap Jesus by drawing him into an argument about acceptable grounds for divorce. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” (Matt.19:3) There were two main Rabbinic views at the time: (1) the House of Shammai said a man must not divorce his wife unless he found her unfaithful (“indecent”), (2) the House of Hillel said a man could divorce his wife even for trivial grounds such as spoiling a meal. Rabbi Akiba went even further saying a man could divorce his wife for no fault at all, but merely because of finding someone more beautiful than her (“she becomes displeasing to him”)!

Jesus, knowing their trap, bypassed their pedantic debate about Deuteronomy 24 and went right back to God’s original plan for marriage in Genesis (1:27; 2:24). What God joined together in marriage was not to be broken by anyone for any reason (Matt.19:4-6). The Pharisees had their answer but wouldn't give up. Next they misquote Moses by saying, “Why then did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” (Matt.19:7) The form of their question showed that they had taken the lax Akiba position – all that is required for divorce is to observe the legal formalities by putting in in writing. Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matt.19:8-9) In reply, Jesus says: Moses did allow divorce; it was a concession to the hardness of people’s hearts; divorce was not part of God’s original purposes; and when a man divorces his wife (other than for “sexual immorality”) and marries another, he commits adultery. Jesus is not attacking or altering the law of Moses, which he did not come to abolish (Matt.5:17-20), but their twisting of Moses’ intent.

So what is Jesus really saying about divorce? Some people interpret his words as forbidding all divorce and remarriage, saying that any re-marriage is a continual act of adultery, because the first marriage is a permanent bond before God. However, this would be a complete contradiction of Mosaic teaching and practice (which acknowledged that divorce could occur and that any re-marriage is a real marriage) as well as Jesus’ approach to the Samaritan woman (John 4) who had been married five times but now had “no husband” (Jesus did not say that she was still married to her first or any of her previous husbands). Jesus is clearly confronting the Pharisees lax approach to divorce and taking them back to God’s ideal, which is for marriage to be seen as a lifelong relationship characterized by friendship, loving care, sexual intimacy and commitment. To seek a divorce with the specific intent of marrying another person is nothing short of an adulterous act. That’s what Jesus was making a firm stand against. His comments do not deal with all problems or questions related to divorce, nor do they address what people who are already divorced should do or even those who go ahead and get divorced. None of these issues are in view. Jesus wanted them to stop tearing apart (through easy divorce) what God had put together (through marriage). All divorce is to be seen as a tragedy and contrary to God’s will.

Marriage Breakdown

Tom Wright, in his commentary on the Gospel of Matthew, notes that car manuals today usually include instructions of what to do if the car breaks down or an accident occurs. That’s not because the manufacturer is hoping this will occur! They want you to drive safely, free of trouble, worry and fear. But sometimes people get into difficult situations and its important to know what to do. Moses, Jesus and Paul did the same when it came to marriage. They didn’t command or encourage marriage breakdown, but did talk about what to do if it occurs.

Whenever there is marriage conflict or breakdown, followers of Christ should make every effort to work towards forgiveness, reconciliation and restoration of the relationship (see for instance Matthew 18:15-35, which immediately precedes Jesus comments on marriage and divorce). The church should always work towards that aim. There may be situations when a marriage has broken down so far as to be beyond repair. God himself eventually divorced Old Testament Israel due to her repeated unfaithfulness. Acceptable grounds for divorce include sexual unfaithfulness (Matt.19:9) and desertion (1Cor.7:12-16), but by principle may also include incidences where a person’s life and well-being are in continual danger. It is interesting that ‘divorce’ is never listed in Paul’s lists of sins. Divorce sometimes simply makes public and permanent the actual breakdown of the marriage. The real sin is in the failure to keep the marriage vows that resulted in the eventual divorce.

When considering the issue of marriage breakdown, while continuing to uphold and work towards God’s ideal of lifelong marriage as stated by Jesus, we also need to embrace the compassion that Jesus had towards hurting and broken people, showing them kindness and forgiveness (see John 8:1-11). God is the God of the second chance. We all gather at the foot of the cross and around the communion table as saved sinners, in desperate need of God’s forgiveness and grace. In Christ, grace and truth meet together in perfect unity. The church is to be a place of healing and restoration – for individuals and families.

Reflection Questions

1. Consider how divorce may have touched or impacted your life, friends or family.

2. Reflect on the importance of using the Bible as it was intended by applying proper principles of interpretation, such as consideration of context, background and the overall flow of the Scriptural redemption story.

3. Re-read Deuteronomy 24 and Matthew 19. Did you see these passages in any new ways?

4. How can we continue to uphold the ‘ideal’ of lifelong marriage (truth) while also acknowledging that God forgives us when we fail and gives us a second chance (grace)?

5. What are some options for a spouse if their marriage is not going well and their partner is not interested in improving the relationship?

6. What is some advice for someone entering a second marriage, given the high percentage of divorces for second and subsequent marriages?

7. What are some of the unique challenges of step and/or blended families and how can these be navigated?

8. Think of a couple you know who you believe have a great marriage. What are the characteristics or ingredients that make it that way? 

9. In what ways can we strengthen and improve the quality of Christian marriages today?

10. A tip for husbands: ask your wife to evaluate the health of your marriage from 1-10 (it will probably be lower than your score!). Then ask her what she thinks would improve it. Then consider doing just that. Women often have great relational insight! [If the husband happens to be the more relational person in the marriage, then reverse this exercise]

11. How can we help remove the embarrassment that sometimes accompanies a couple asking for help from a counsellor or pastor with their marriage?

12. Pray for families, especially for marriages to be strong and healthy. 

For Further Reading

Divorce and the Christ-Community: A New Portrait by Dr Gary Collier (online eBook).

Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage by Kevin J. Conner (Melbourne, Australia: KJC Publications, 2004).

Divorce and Remarriage in the Church: Biblical Solutions for Pastoral Realities by David Instone-Brewer (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 2006).

Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible: The Social and Literary Context by David Instone-Brewer (Grand Rapids, MI: WM. B. Eerdmans Publishing, 2002).

Marriage and Divorce: The New Testament Teaching by B. Ward Powers (Petersham, NSW: Jordan Books Ltd, 1987).

“Sexuality and Sexual Ethics” by J.M. Sprinkle in Dictionary of the Old Testament: Pentateuch edited by T.M. Alexander and David W. Baker (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 2003).

“Divorce” by H.R. Stein in Dictionary of Jesus and the Gospels edited by Joel B. Green and Scot McKnight (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 1992).

Divorce and Remarriage: Four Christian Views edited by H. Wayne House (Downers Grove, IL: Intervarsity Press, 1993).

A Moral Vision of the New Testament by Richard Hayes (New York, NY: Bloomsbury Publishing, 2004).

Mark Conner Family, Relationships

Re-Thinking Family

Modern Family Graphic

Let’s talk about the family. There have been many popular TV families over the years – Little House on the Prairie, The Waltons, The Brady Bunch, The Cosby Show, Friends, The Simpsons and now Modern Family. Some people say that television shapes the culture while others say it simply reflects the culture. A few would even say it is 5 years behind the culture. What we do know is that today’s families are changing and facing tremendous pressure both from within and without. Complex questions are emerging about such matters as blended families, same-sex attraction, as well as divorce and remarriage. 

Families in Bible Times

What did families look like in biblical times? In the first book of the Bible, Genesis, the sphere of action is the family not the nation. Crucial events occur in the home, not the court or the battlefield. Genesis is a succession of family narratives, ‘family’ often meaning a whole clan or household (not the typical ‘nuclear family’ of the modern world). In primitive times, people lived primarily in patriarchal groups that grew as sons brought wives and children into the clan (e.g. Noah’s ‘family’ included his wife, his sons and their wives). The eldest son (the 'firstborn') was given preferential treatment and this was also a time of arranged marriges for children once they reached 15-18 years of age.

As well as experiencing many good times together, these first families faced a wide range of problems. Cain murdered his brother Abel in a fit of jealous rage. Noah got drunk. Lot offered his virgin daughters to the aggressive men of Sodom; later, his daughters got their father drunk and were then impregnated by him. Abraham, Isaac and Jacob all played favourites with their kids, causing all sorts of family problems. Their story includes squabbling spouses, sibling rivalry and children being deceitful. Later on, Reuben slept with his father’s concubine and Judah slept with his daughter-in-law who was disguised as a prostitute. And this is the ‘godly line’! It reads like a script from a modern-day soap opera.

The Old Testament presents the family as a deeply flawed institution in a fallen world, highlighting the ups and downs of human relationships. It’s a place of hope and blessing, yet at times disappointment and struggle. It sure shatters the myth of the perfect family! These families were pretty dysfunctional, yet God worked through them. The Old Testament ends with a promise of reconciliation and harmony (Mal.4:6), the opposite of the images of family discord and fragmentation that seem to have been the norm in these ancient stories.

By the time of Jesus, the typical family living in the Roman Empire was a ‘household’ family (Greek oikos), usually consisting of a husband, a wife, children and slaves (all of the latter being the ‘property’ of the man). Household codes served as models for order. The apostle Paul did not seek to overthrow existing social structures (including slavery and patriarchal households) but rather infused them with new kingdom ethics. In his own household codes (Eph.5:21 – 6:9. Col.3:18 – 4:1), after presenting mutual submission as the ideal (Eph.5:21), he commands those in society’s positions of authority (husbands, parents and slave owners) to provide loving leadership and he addresses those in society’s subordinate roles (wives, children and slaves) as persons in their own right and to be treated with dignity, something quite radical for this era in human history. Paul emphasised the interdependent and complementary nature of these roles and requirements, showing that care and compassion for one’s natural family is vital (1 Tim.5:4,8).  

Today's Families

Like in biblical times, today’s families come in a diversity of shapes and sizes: the ‘traditional’ or ‘nuclear’ family (dad, mum and kids), single parent families, married couples without children, blended families, and extended families to name a few. There are also vast differences between ancient and modern times when it comes to social structures, as well as the opportunity for both men and women when it comes to education and choices that can be made outside of inherited ‘class’ or social status. 

Common challenges facing families today include: conflict, communication breakdown, time pressures, mental health issues (including depression and anxiety), addictions (including substance abuse, gambling and pornography), the impact of social media and finances.

God's Family

God reveals himself as a Father (God also has motherly qualities – Isaiah 49:14-17; 66:13. Matt.23:37) who desires each one of us to be part of his family (Deut.1:31. Eph.3:14-15). His desire is to place the lonely in families (Ps.68:6) where they can experience love and a sense of belonging. Jesus is the way to the Father (John 8:42) and provides the means for us to be ‘born again’ (John 3) or adopted into God’s family. Jesus placed this spiritual family as taking precedence even over one’s natural family (Matt.12:46-50; 10:34-37. Mark 3:21, 31-35. Luke 12:51-53). Family ties were to be respected and strengthened where possible, yet always as secondary to the family of believers (1Tim.5:1-2). Christians are ‘brothers and sisters’ in Christ – the most common designation of followers of Jesus in the New Testament – and part of the family of God, God’s household. This family is not meant to be cliquey but one that is always open and ready to welcome new sons and daughters of God.  It is a family characterised by equality (even slaves and masters are of equal status and value in Christ), unity and love.

THE Key to a Healthy Family

The core foundation of any healthy relationship or family is LOVE. It’s a love of a different kind – God’s kind of love. Not merely friendship love, affectionate love or romantic love but a love that is a decision to do what is best for another person, even at personal sacrifice. Jesus calls us as his followers to love other, including our family, as he has loved us (John 13:34-35), a love that will prove to the world that we are his disciples, when they see how we treat each other. The apostle Paul puts it like this: “Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.” [Ephesians 5:1-2. Message Bible] 

How easy it is for us to get caught up in the details of daily family life – the tasks, jobs and transactions – and forget its primary purpose: loving God and people. May random acts of kindness become a regular occurrence in all of our homes and families!

Reflection Questions

1. What was your favourite TV show as a kid growing up and why?

2. What surprises or interests you the most about families in biblical times?

3. What do you think are the 3 most common pressures families face today?

4. In what ways can the church become more of a genuine spiritual ‘family’ for people, including singles, young adults, married couples, single parents and grandparents?

5. Read Jesus’ comments in Matthew 12:46-50 and 10:34-37. Is ‘family first’ a biblical value?

6. Read the description of ‘love’ in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. How does this apply to families?

7. Spend some time praying for your family. 

See Also

When Families Break Down

 

Mark Conner Family, Relationships, Special Events

Mother’s Day

Mothers-day

This coming Sunday is Mother's Day.

I realise that this can be a difficult day for some people. Maybe your mother passed away recently, or you don’t have a good relationship with your mum, or maybe you always wanted to become a mum and it hasn’t happened. Our thoughts and prayers go out to you.

It is, however, a good time to honour all of the mums. They are amazing people. 

Both Nicole and I lost our mothers a few years back now (Joyce Conner and Renata or 'Oma' Meyer). That's a good reminder to all of us to love them while we can.

Have you ever thought about a mother's job? Check out this humorous video clip showing 24 people being interviewed for an impossible job paying nothing. Then find out who does this everyday.

Happy mother's day 🙂

Mark Conner Relationships

Weeping with those Who Weep: Learning to Grieve

Grieve

Almost a year ago, Matthew Warren, the son of well-known American pastors Rick and Kay Warren commited suicide. It was a sad day for everyone and of course, the Warrens being public figures, everyone had an opinion about the situation. Today, Kay Warren made the following post on her Facebook page and I think it is well worth reading, hearing and taking to heart. Wise words …

From Kay Warren

As the one-year anniversary of Matthew's death approaches, I have been shocked by some subtle and not-so-subtle comments indicating that perhaps I should be ready to "move on." The soft, compassionate cocoon that has enveloped us for the last 11 1/2 months had lulled me into believing others would be patient with us on our grief journey, and while I’m sure many will read this and quickly say “Take all the time you need,” I’m increasingly aware that the cocoon may be in the process of collapsing. It’s understandable when you take a step back. I mean, life goes on. The thousands who supported us in the aftermath of Matthew’s suicide wept and mourned with us, prayed passionately for us, and sent an unbelievable volume of cards, letters, emails, texts, phone calls, and gifts. The support was utterly amazing. But for most, life never stopped – their world didn’t grind to a horrific, catastrophic halt on April 5, 2013. In fact, their lives have kept moving steadily forward with tasks, routines, work, kids, leisure, plans, dreams, goals etc. LIFE GOES ON. And some of them are ready for us to go on too. They want the old Rick and Kay back. They secretly wonder when things will get back to normal for us – when we’ll be ourselves, when the tragedy of April 5, 2013 will cease to be the grid that we pass everything across. And I have to tell you – the old Rick and Kay are gone. They’re never coming back. We will never be the same again. There is a new “normal.” April 5, 2013 has permanently marked us. It will remain the grid we pass everything across for an indeterminate amount of time….maybe forever.

Because these comments from well-meaning folks wounded me so deeply, I doubted myself and thought perhaps I really am not grieving “well” (whatever that means). I wondered if I was being overly sensitive –so I checked with parents who have lost children to see if my experience was unique. Far from it, I discovered. “At least you can have another child” one mother was told shortly after her child’s death. “You’re doing better, right?” I was asked recently. “When are you coming back to the stage at Saddleback? We need you” someone cluelessly said to me recently. “People can be so rude and insensitive; they make the most thoughtless comments,” one grieving father said. You know, it wasn’t all that long ago that it was standard in our culture for people to officially be in mourning for a full year. They wore black. They didn’t go to parties. They didn’t smile a whole lot. And everybody accepted their period of mourning; no one ridiculed a mother in black or asked her stupid questions about why she was STILL so sad. Obviously, this is no longer accepted practice; mourners are encouraged to quickly move on, turn the corner, get back to work, think of the positive, be grateful for what is left, have another baby, and other unkind, unfeeling, obtuse and downright cruel comments. What does this say about us – other than we’re terribly uncomfortable with death, with grief, with mourning, with loss – or we’re so self-absorbed that we easily forget the profound suffering the loss of a child creates in the shattered parents and remaining children. 

Unless you’ve stood by the grave of your child or cradled the urn that holds their ashes, you’re better off keeping your words to some very simple phrases: “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Or “I’m praying for you and your family.” Do your best to avoid the meaningless, catch-all phrase “How are you doing?” This question is almost impossible to answer. If you’re a stranger, it’s none of your business. If you’re a casual acquaintance, it’s excruciating to try to answer honestly, and you leave the sufferer unsure whether to lie to you (I’m ok) to end the conversation or if they should try to haltingly tell you that their right arm was cut off and they don’t know how to go on without it. If you’re a close friend, try telling them instead, “You don’t have to say anything at all; I’m with you in this.”

None of us wants to be like Job’s friends – the pseudo comforters who drove him mad with their questions, their wrong conclusions and their assumptions about his grief. But too often we end up a 21st century Bildad, Eliphaz or Zophar – we fill the uncomfortable silence with words that wound rather than heal. I’m sad to realize that even now – in the middle of my own shattering loss – I can be callous with the grief of another and rush through the conversation without really listening, blithely spouting the platitudes I hate when offered to me. We’re not good grievers, and when I judge you, I judge myself as well.

Here’s my plea: Please don’t ever tell someone to be grateful for what they have left until they’ve had a chance to mourn what they’ve lost. It will take longer than you think is reasonable, rational or even right. But that’s ok. True friends – unlike Job’s sorry excuse for friends – love at all times, and brothers and sisters are born to help in time of need (Prov. 17:17 LB). The truest friends and “helpers” are those who wait for the griever to emerge from the darkness that swallowed them alive without growing afraid, anxious or impatient. They don’t pressure their friend to be the old familiar person they’re used to; they’re willing to accept that things are different, embrace the now-scarred one they love, and are confident that their compassionate, non-demanding presence is the surest expression of God’s mercy to their suffering friend. They’re ok with messy and slow and few answers … and they never say “Move on.”

Click here to read a further interview with Kay Warren about her experience.

Mark Conner Personal Development, Relationships

The 18th Camel

CamelA little wisdom goes a long way.

When you give you will always get it back. A father left 17 camels as an asset for his three sons. When the father passed away, his sons opened up the will. The Will of the father stated that the eldest son should get half of 17 camels while the middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third).

The youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the 17 camels.

As it is not possible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, three sons started to fight with each other.

So, the three sons decided to go to a wise man. The wise man listened patiently about the Will. The wise man, after giving this thought, brought one camel of his own and added the same to 17. That increased the total to 18 camels.

Now, he started reading the deceased father’s will. Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 camels. 1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 camels. 1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 camels.

Now add this up: 9 plus 6 plus 2 is 17 and this leaves one camel, which the wise man took back.

MORAL: The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to find the 18th camel i.e. the common ground. Once a person is able to find the common ground, the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times. However, to reach a solution, the first step is to believe that there is a solution. If we think that there is no solution, we won’t be able to reach any!

[Source]

Mark Conner Contemporary Culture, Relationships

Are you listening? Is it time to put the mobile phone down?

MobileWe live in an age where attention deficit affects all of us. We are bombarded with information and messages, each trying to gain our interest. In the process, we tend to skim from item to item, from matter to matter, from person to person … never really slowing down enough to go deep … to really listen and connect. 

I visited a cafe recently where there was a sign that said: "No, we do not have wi-fi. Why not just sit and talk with your friends!"

Watch this video.

How did it affect you? I was personally challenged. 

Which scene did you identify with the most?

Which was the most moving? For me it was the one with the girl getting a strike at the bowling alley, only to turn around and see that no one had noticed and therefore were not there to celebrate this special moment with her.

To love is to pay attention … and it does cost us … our time and our effort. But our loved ones are worth it.

Is it time to put the phone down?