In the final episode of this series, Nicole Conner shares some suggestions for applying the principles of narrative therapy to your own life, including discerning your dominant story.
For more information or to get in touch with Nicole, visit www.definingstories.com.au.
In this episode, Nicole Conner shares an example of the usefulness of narrative therapy in responding to the presence of anxiety in a person’s life.
Visit www.definingstories.com.au for more information.
In this next conversation with Nicole Conner, we talk about the power of externalization. In all of our lives, we are not the problem; the problem is the problem. Externalizing prevents us from forming our identity around a problem story and enables us to deal with it more objectively.
The ‘table of life’ is a powerful metaphor or word picture that sees our lives as a table with many guests. Some are helpful while others are difficult. Some are quiet while others can be noisy at times. I wonder what and who is at your table today and what the stories are that they are telling you. And are you okay with that?
In this conversation with Nicole Conner, we discuss various problem stories and what we can do about them.
In this second conversation with Nicole Conner, we discuss the power of stories in our lives, where they come from, and how they influence us. In addition, we consider the idea of questioning our stories and potentially changing these powerful narratives that we live by.
Today I begin a series of conversations with my wife, Nicole Conner, on the topic of ‘The Stories We Tell Ourselves’. Nicole has a Masters of Narrative Therapy and Community Work from Melbourne University and she has her own narrative therapy practice called Defining Stories. Over the last few years, Nicole has been able to come alongside many people and help them navigate a variety of problems and challenges in their lives.
In this first video conversation, we discuss narrative therapy and what drew Nicole to this particular modality or discipline. We also talk about how this approach can be transformative.
Here are the other episodes in this series on The Stories We Tell Ourselves:
For those desiring to learn more about narrative therapy, here are some recommended resources:
I hope you enjoyed our 16-part series of Soul Food with Mark Conner on the important topic of relational intelligence. Life is all about relationships. As we enhance our sense of connection with the people in our life, everybody wins.
The topics covered in this Relational Intelligence series were:
After a brief break, we’ll be back with an entirely new series of Soul Food.
One of the characteristics of wise people is that they are open to feedback. Feedback from other people can give us needed insight not only into our own lives but into any issue or challenge we may be considering. If you reject feedback, you will hinder your own personal growth.
All of us have things about ourselves that we are unaware of or don’t see. Only by being open to feedback from others can we learn about these areas and make positive changes.
Every one of us has weaknesses. Usually, other people see them before we do!
My theory is that the sooner I know about my weaknesses the quicker I can begin to work on them. So if my zipper is down – let me know! If I have cream on my face – tell me! Again, if I punch you when you give me feedback – how many know you’ll think twice about giving me feedback ever again!
Only people who are proud and arrogant assume that they are always right and other people are wrong – or at least misinformed.
Are you open to feedback? Are you teachable? Wise people are. What about you?
Learning to be open to and receive constructive feedback is vital for all healthy relationships.
You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.
One of the keys to good relationships is learning to be ‘lovingly assertive’. Yes, it really is possible to be both ‘loving’ and ‘assertive’.
Some people tend to be ‘under-assertive’. They can’t set boundaries or limits. They can never say “no” … or at least not without feeling guilty. They are easily manipulated by stronger people. They are unable to express feelings of anger constructively. They avoid conflict situations. They are excessively apologetic. Then they tend to fantasize after conversations, replaying the situation over and over … thinking about all the things they wish they had the courage to say at the time.
On the other hand, some people tend to be ‘over-assertive’. They lack tact and sensitivity. They steam-roll people with their ideas and opinions, and they have a tendency to be autocratic (‘we’ll do it my way’). As a result, they end up hurting a lot of people.
Which way do you lean? Do you need to learn to be a bit more assertive? Not aggressive … but assertive?
Or do you need to be a bit more loving?
Why not make an effort to change … beginning today. Appraise assertiveness is essential for healthy relationships.
You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.
Have you noticed that humans have an inbuilt longing for connection with other people? Of course, good relationships and friendships don’t just ‘happen’. They have to be cultivated and nurtured intentionally.
Each of us has various circles or levels of friendship.
• Acquaintances – these are the dozens and maybe even 100s of people you know but on a surface level.
• Casual friendships – these are the many people with whom you have common interests and activities. There is a basic level of openness.
• Close friendships – these are the people who are close and with whom you have common goals or interests.
• Intimate friendships – these are the few people you have a deeper level of connection, commitment, and trust with. You feel safe with them.
It’s important to choose the right friends, as they influence us probably more than anyone else. We easily become like those we hang around with.
You can’t just order a close friendship from a drive-through window. Friendships take time and effort.
We can all benefit from being friendly. As we reach out and make new acquaintances – out of these will often come close friends.
You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.
Have you ever had a conflict? Maybe a better question would be, “When was your last conflict?”
As we do life with other people it is inevitable that conflicts and disagreements will occur. How successfully we resolve those conflicts will have a big impact on our lives.
In most conflicts, there are wrongs on both sides. The trouble comes when we only focus on what the other person has done … rather than on our own contribution.
Let’s say for example, that you’ve just had a conflict with another person and they were 90% wrong and you were 10% wrong.
Don’t focus on their part; focus on yourself. Take care of your 10%. Learn to say a few powerful words – from your heart.
Firstly, “I’m sorry.” Those words can change an entire relationship. Then try this one, “I was wrong.” Finally, try this phrase, ”Would you forgive me?”
When we take responsibility for ourselves and respond to the heat of the moment with humility and kindness … the other person often softens and the conflict can more easily be resolved.
Yes, the art of making a genuine apology is essential for healthy relationships.
You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.
Someone once said that “encouragement is like oxygen to the soul”. Each one of us thrives in an environment of affirmation and encouragement.
In contrast, no one likes to be in an atmosphere where we are being torn down or ridiculed.
Come on … who likes to work for a boss who only speaks to them when they have done something wrong? Someone once called that ‘seagull management’. They flap in, dump on you, them fly out. Not a very pleasant experience at all.
So think about what you are doing to those around you. Are you encouraging them? Are you lifting them up with your words?
Occasionally, I’ll sit at a funeral and listen to the eulogy or the tributes that are given and often think, “I wonder if that person knew those things when they were alive?” Don’t wait until someone dies to tell them what you appreciate about them. Take the time now to express your love and your affirmation for them.
Don’t just think good things about people. People cannot read your mind. Take the time, write a note, make a phone call, send a text, tell somebody how much you appreciate them today.
Encouragement – it’s a vital ingredient of all healthy relationships.
You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.
One of the deepest needs in every human being is to be accepted – just as we are, warts and all. In fact, many people will do almost anything … just to be accepted by others.
If you want to enhance your own relationships, why not give others the gift of acceptance. Choose to value and respect them – just as they are.
You know, subconsciously, we tend to have a rating scale for people and we treat them based on the value we place on them. If we’re walking down the hallway and someone who we think is a #10 comes along, we say, “Hi, how you going, good to see you!” If we meet someone who we think is a #2, we just say, “Hey …” If we see someone who is a -4 … we walk the other way!
We treat people based on the value we place on them.
What if you started seeing everyone as a #10 and then started treating them that way? What a difference that could make in your relationships.
Genuine acceptance is often a catalyst to lasting change.
Acceptance doesn’t necessarily mean approval … but it is a choice to value and respect people, no matter what.
You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.
Have you been angry lately? Anger is a common emotion. Every person has times when they experience feelings of annoyance, irritation, resentment, or anger.
There are two common causes of anger.
Firstly, there is frustration. Frustration occurs when our goal is blocked. Maybe the driver in front of you is going 10 kilometers under the speed limit and you are in a hurry or maybe someone is an hour late for an appointment that you made an effort to be on time for. When you are frustrated you start to feel angry.
The second cause of anger is hurt. When someone does or says something to us that really hurts us, anger begins to emerge. What we need to realise is that anger can cause great damage and so therefore it is essential for healthy relationships that we do our best to keep our anger under control.
There is a big difference between feeling angry and then acting out angry behaviour. Anger is not the problem. It’s what we do with it. I encourage you to make every effort to manage your anger today. That’s a vital skill for healthy relationships.
You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.
Every room has an atmosphere – it includes factors such as the temperature of the room, the lighting, and the freshness of the air – or the lack of it. In the same way, every relationship and every group – whether it’s a team or a family – has an atmosphere. This atmosphere is a combination of the moods and attitudes of the people in the group. Another word for this is ‘culture’. It describes what it feels like to be a part of that group of people.
To add value to any relationship you are in or any group you are a part of, learn to be aware of your moods – what they are and what may be contributing to them. Then seek to control them. Your moods directly affect the atmosphere wherever you are – for better or worse.
Don’t be a thermometer – which is a reactive instrument that goes up and down based on the external environment.
Be a thermostat – an instrument that directly affects the atmosphere. If things are a bit heated, you can help to cool them down.
If things are a bit cool or icy – then you do your best to warm things up a little.
This is especially important for leaders because leaders set the relational temperature of every group that they lead.
What can you do today to affect the atmosphere of the relationships, teams, or groups you are a part of?
You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube channel.