Someone once said that trust is the glue of all relationships. Trust holds things together. In contrast, when there is no trust, relationships start to break down.
Trust creates confidence and removes suspicion and fear. When trust is high in a relationship, you could even say the wrong thing and it will be okay. People give you the benefit of the doubt. Where trust is low, you could say the right thing and even then, people take you wrong or misinterpret you.
How do we build trust?
Trust starts with being trustworthy.
Treat people with respect, as you would want to be treated.
Admit it when you are wrong and be big enough to apologise.
Be quick to forgive.
Be loyal and avoid gossip. Integrity is how we treat those who are not present.
Keep your commitments and your word.
Have the courage to speak the truth in love.
Be transparent – open, real and genuine. Don’t be fake or two-faced. Don’t wear masks.
Make every effort to restore trust when it has been lost.
What is the level of trust in your relationships? What could you do to improve that trust today?
Many years ago I was on a building site and I was cutting through a piece of wood with an electric saw. Unfortunately, I cut through the wood and then took a chunk out of my finger. There was blood gushing everywhere. It really hurt. I rushed off to the hospital and got some stitches.
Thankfully, the body went into a healing process and over time the pain went away. I have got a scar there and I remember what happened, but it no longer hurts.
You know it is the same in our emotional world. Sometimes things happen that hurt us and it’s painful. But hopefully, we will experience a healing process so that over time the pain goes away.
How does that happen? It’s only through choosing to forgive those that have hurt us that healing takes place. If we don’t forgive, bitterness can become like a destructive poison eating us up on the inside.
So I urge you today, has someone offended you?
Have the courage to forgive them and to release them. NOT from accountability but from your need for revenge, to get back at them.
As you do, the healing process can begin to work in your life.
Many years ago, when I was in my 20s, I was a youth worker at a church. At that time, we had a guest speaker from Africa. His name was Elijah Maswangungi. After his visit, I was given the task of driving him to the airport. On the way, he spent some time encouraging me. He felt that although I was a young leader, I had great potential. Then he said, “There are a few things you need to work on. First of all, you need to smile more. You are very tall and that can be quite intimidating. A smile draws people to you. Then he shared a few more things we don’t have time to talk about today.”
Anyway, I dropped him off at the airport … pretty quickly … and I started the long drive back to the office. To be honest, I was annoyed. Smile … I was smiling on the inside. But after a few days of stewing, I realised he was right. So I started smiling – driving in my car, getting into a lift. In fact, a few years later I was speaking at an event in Adelaide and a woman came up and said, “You’re the smiling speaker!” I thought, “Elijah where are you now!”
All this to say, I am now very thankful for someone who was willing to not only encourage me but to speak into my life. To confront me. I am a better person for it.
Have you ever heard the phrase – ‘speak the truth in love’? It’s an important principle in life.
Unfortunately, some people only ‘speak the truth’. There’s not a lot of love in the way they bring up issues or confront a problem. In fact, some people get really angry when they confront others. As a result, relationships are usually damaged and other people get hurt or offended.
On the other hand, some people are so ‘loving’ that they never speak the truth. They do everything to keep the peace … but unfortunately, they ignore the issues and they never deal with them, to everyone’s detriment. Important matters stay under the surface, eventually causing problems later down the track because they were never really addressed.
Which way do you lean? Do you need to be a little move loving when you speak the truth? Or do you need to be a little more truthful as you relate to the people in your world?
The challenge is for us to have both the courage and the consideration to confront in a loving manner … for everyone’s benefit.
Learn to speak the truth in love.
This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!
If I say to you, ‘Te Amo mucho!’ you might be wondering what’s wrong with me … that’s unless you speak a little Spanish. In Spanish, ‘Te Amo mucho’ means, “I love you very much!” As you can see, these words only have meaning if the person I am speaking to understands the language I am using.
As we develop relational intelligence, it’s very important that we let the people in our world know that we love them. But how do you say ‘I love you’ in a way that people understand and sense our love?
In many ways, love is like a language and there are a variety of love languages that we can use to communicate the love that’s in our heart for someone special.
Here are five common love languages:
Encouraging words. Words have a powerful way of communicating love. People can’t read our minds but when we tell them how we think and feel about them, it communicates the love and appreciation we have for them.
Helping someone. Simply doing something for someone else is a practical way to show love. It could be helping them move house, or setting up a new app on their computer, or writing a resume. Anything we DO to help others, communicates love.
Giving a gift. When we buy a gift, even something small, we communicate care and appreciation for the other person. After all, it takes thought, time, effort, and money.
Spending time with someone. In our busy, frenetically-paced lives, the gift of time is often one of the most valuable of all.
Use appropriate physical touch – depending on the type of relationship, of course.
It is important for us to realise that each of us gives and receives love using one or more of these languages.
So for example, if your friend’s love language is encouraging words and yours is giving gifts … they may not be feeling your love, despite all the things you BUY for them. And saying, “I told you I loved you 5 years ago – if anything changes, I’ll let you know!” simply won’t work for them. They need to hear those words regularly if that is their love language.
If your partner’s love language is quality time and yours is helping, again they may not be feeling your love, even though you may be spending hours doing all sorts of things for them.
Take the time to understand and learn the love language of those around you (your family and friends) and then endeavour to communicate love to them in a language that they really understand. In doing so, they’ll sense the love that is in your heart for them.
And be sure to let other people know what your love language is too! This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!
A few years ago, I was having lunch with a friend of mine. I asked him how he was doing and he said he was doing “great.” He went on to tell me a bunch of good things happening in his life.
He then asked me how I was doing. I hesitated at first but then I answered honestly. I was doing it a bit tough and so I told him about it.
The depth of our conversation changed immediately. He thanked me for my openness. Actually, near the end of our time together he admitted that he was going through some challenges too … but he never had the courage to tell anyone.
Authenticity is very important. It’s about being honest, real, and transparent … no masks, no hiding, no pretending.
This is not easy – after all, we live in a culture that is into “image projection” and “impression management”. We have a strong tendency to hide and to want to look better than we really are.
You know, we have this amazing family photo of our 3 kids on the wall at home. They’re smiling and they look great – such a happy family. Yet, the truth is, that was a really difficult day. We were paying big money for a professional photographer and the kids were pretty ratty … and I was in high-powered management mode, yelling ‘Smile!’ with great intensity. We sure didn’t frame any of the ‘before’ or ‘after’ shots. Just the split second of that perfect photo. We laugh about it now.
You know, the level of intimacy or closeness in any relationship is directly related to the level of openness in that relationship.
Of course, this requires wisdom and discernment. It can also be a little awkward. But hopefully, you have a safe, trustworthy friend who can ask you, “How are you doing … really?”
Be open, honest, and real. Authenticity is attractive and helps to build genuine and strong relationships.
This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!
My dad was an orphan who never knew his mum or his dad. He grew up in foster homes and boys’ homes. Despite this, he tried to be the best dad he could be to my sister and me. However, he often missed my birthdays and special events when I was growing up. He would be at a meeting or working interstate. I worked through this, but definitely had some disappointment about it.
Later on in life, when I was about 40, I was having lunch with my dad and I asked him to tell me more about his childhood, growing up without any parents. Somewhere in the conversation he casually noted that he never remembered having a birthday party until after he married my mum. I said, “What?” He had never had anyone throw him a birthday party – for his entire childhood! Suddenly everything changed for me. He had no memory of anyone being there for his special moments and although he never intentionally tried to hurt me, he wasn’t there for many of mine. This realisation didn’t change or excuse what had happened but it did help me understand more about my dad and his story.
Everyone has a story to tell!
I remember hearing a story about a man sitting on a train, reading his newspaper when another man came onto the train and sat right next to him. He slouched and closed his eyes as if to shut out the world. He had two young children with him who proceeded to run around the train, disturbing everyone in sight.
The man couldn’t believe it. Why didn’t this man control his children? Eventually, when his annoyance reached a certain level, he said, “Excuse me, sir, why don’t you stop your kids from running around?”
The man slowly came to and said, “I’m sorry. We just came from the hospital where their mother died. I don’t know what to do and I guess neither do they.”
Talk about a paradigm shift! In a moment, this man’s emotions moved from anger to empathy.
It is so easy to judge. But everyone has a story to tell. Empathy means to stand in someone else’s shoes and see life from their perspective.
In your next conversation with someone, try asking this question: “Help me understand …”
One of the most powerful things you can give another person is the gift of empathy.
This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!
If I’m reading an annoying email and someone knocks at my door and I turn to them and yell, “What!?” That’s not very relationally intelligent. I’ve taken my emotion from one situation and bled it all over a different person for no reason at all. I’m sure they’d think twice before knocking on my door again.
If instead, I quarantine my annoyance over the email and turn to the person knocking at my door and say with a smile, “Hi, how can I help you?” I’ve demonstrated something called ‘emotional intelligence.
Well-known psychologist, Daniel Golemanhas done a lot of research on the components of success, especially in the workplace. His conclusion is that Technical Skill and Intellectual Intelligence (or IQ) are very important, but that the quality of Emotional Intelligence (or EQ = Emotional Quotient), is the most essential. In fact, it’s twice as important as the other two attributes.
Emotional intelligence is learning to be aware of our own moods and take control of our emotions. It also includes knowing how to relate well to a wide variety of people.
How do we do that? Well, Jesus gave us some great advice as recorded in Matthew 7:12 when he said, “Do for others what you would like them to do for you.”
Some people call this the “Golden Rule”. The relational wisdom here is to take the time to think about how you like to be treated.
Think about the qualities and attributes that attract you to others, the ‘ideal friend’, if you will. People you enjoy being around.
We can also think about the qualities and attributes that repel us from others. You know, the ‘friend from hell’. People you don’t enjoy being around.
Then the application is to intentionally develop the qualities of a good friend and intentionally avoid or get rid of traits of people that annoy you.
This is proper advice for ALL of our relationships – think about how you want to be treated and then YOU take the initiative. Begin treating other people in that way. What a difference that makes!
Imagine a world where every one of us followed this basic principle of relationships.
This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!
Welcome to this new series of Soul Food which is on the topic of Relational Intelligence. Life is all about relationships and we’ll be looking at a whole range of skills and insights to improve our relationships – at home, at work, at school, in our neighbourhoods … wherever we find ourselves.
Relationships are built, developed, and maintained through good communication and an essential part of good communication is the art of listening.
Listening communicates love and value.
Listening helps you understand other people.
Listening earns you the right to be heard.
Unfortunately, we easily develop a bunch of bad habits when it comes to listening. I know, because I’ve mastered all of these!
Inattentiveness – because we are not concentrating or are preoccupied with our own thoughts.
Interrupting – finishing people’s sentences for them or jumping with our thoughts.
Advice-giving – quickly putting on our ‘fix it’ cap and telling people what we think they should do. Just a quick tip – most people don’t want to be ‘fixed’, they simply what to be heard and understood first of all.
Thankfully, we can all develop some good habits when it comes to listening:
Show Interest – be genuinely interested in other people and what they have to say. This curiosity will help you be a better listener. In many ways, you show a person’s worth and value to you by giving full attention to their words.
Focus – make eye contact, concentrate, and listen carefully. This takes effort.
Ask questions – questions are powerful. They encourage people to open up about what they know or feel, they create meaningful conversation, and they help us learn. Try these questions for going a little deeper in your interactions with people: “So then what happened …” “Tell me more …” “How was that for you?”
Are you a good listener? Why not talk a little less this week. Ask a lot more questions. Listen more.
You’ll be a better friend … and you’ll learn a lot.
Someone once said, “We have two ears, but only one mouth, so we may listen twice as much as we speak.” That’s good advice.
Make a decision to be a better listener, beginning today. In doing so, all of your relationships will benefit.
This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!
Have you noticed that life tends to move through seasons and cycles?
Walter Brueggemann, an Old Testament scholar, notices that even a life of faith has cycles of what he calls: orientation, disorientation, and reorientation.
Orientation is when everything is going well. Life is good. The sun is shining, We are experiencing a great deal of joy and satisfaction. Hope and positive expectations are high.
Disorientation is when life begins to fall apart. Things aren’t going well. The sun is no longer shining. We are experiencing loss and grief, sadness and discouragement. Hope has died and we aren’t even sure we’ll make it to tomorrow. These are dark days.
Reorientation is when the sun starts to shine again. A new day begins to dawn. Hope emerges out of the darkness. Death leads to resurrection. A new chapter begins.
I am sure you can look back on your life and see this pattern – times of orientation, disorientation, and reorientation. We all go through them … as individuals and a common humanity.
The reality is that we are not in control of these seasons. They happen TO us and we simply choose how best to navigate them. We also can’t determine how long we may be in any one part of this pattern or cycle. We may be in one season for an extended period of time. Then again, everything can change in a moment of time.
In many ways, this recent COVID pandemic has been a huge disorientation. It has disrupted every part of our lives. There has been loss and grief, sadness and discouragement. Not one of us has been unaffected by this.
So where are we now?
Could it be we are just starting to move into a time of reorientation? It’s not about going back to the previous orientation but about cautiously yet courageously moving forward into what’s next for us.
Some things will never be the same. Other things may return to ‘normal’. But a lot will be different.
What could your future look like? I encourage you to take time some time to re-imagine your own life, in light of the current reality. It’s easy to automatically go back to the way things were. But what could be different going forward? What changes are worth embracing? What new and different ways of being and doing things are worth exploring?
These are some of the questions I am asking myself right now … at the end of another year and in preparation for the new year ahead.
Reorientation – let’s embrace this unique moment together.
This has been Episode 30 of Soul Food with Mark Conner.
Enjoy your Christmas and holiday season. See you next year!
As we prepare to enter another new year, how are you feeling? One of the words that I hear a lot nowadays is ‘uncertainty’. There is a lot of uncertainty about the future. After all, who knows what next week will look like, let alone next year!
We are living in turbulent times. There is a lot of uncertainty around and that can bring all sorts of fears and worries into our life if we aren’t careful.
One of the things you’ll discover in life is that you can’t always be certain but you can endeavour o be clear. Uncertainty is a permanent part of our lives. It never goes away. We all have to make decisions with limited information. So one of life’s insights that I have found helpful is to stop trying to eliminate the uncertainty. Instead, it can be far more helpful to develop the art of clarity.
In business, can you be certain of the economic environment over the next year? Of course not, but you can be clear about the service or product you have to offer and who your market is.
On a sports team, can you be certain of the outcome of the game? Of course not, but you can be clear about what you are trying to achieve.
In a church, can you be certain what next year will look like? Of course not, but we can be clear about the kind of church you want to be.
In life, can you be certain about your future? Of course not, but you can be clear – about who you are, what is important to you, and what you are going to give your life to pursue.
With this coronavirus pandemic, can we be certain that it’s all over and we won’t be locked down again? Of course not. But we can be clear about what is within our control – what we can and can’t do, as well as how we can all work together to minimise further infections.
Don’t fight or try to eliminate the uncertainty. Focus on gaining and keeping clarity. That can make all the difference in the world.
Why not take some time aside today to pause and find further clarity for your own life.
This has been Episode 29 of Soul Food with Mark Conner.
Have you ever felt overwhelmed? I sure have! Sometimes the pile of things I’d like to do is so big I can’t even see the top of the pile let alone ever get on top of the pile.
Life seems to keep giving us more and more – more opportunities, more invitations, and more challenges. Eventually, we have so much on our plate that we can’t take on any more. We have no margin. We have no space. We’re are officially overwhelmed.
I coach quite a number of leaders and one of the questions I am often asked is how do you get through a busy time when there is more that needs to be done than you have time to do.
Maybe you are feeling that right now, especially leading up to the Christmas and holiday season.
Here are a few things that I do when I need to reduce the overload and minimising that feeling of being overwhelmed:
Delete – is there a project, task, or appointment in the next few weeks that you could delete? Simply don’t do it, because it is no longer important or necessary.
Delay – is there a project, task, or appointment that you could delay until a later time? If so, go ahead and do that. If it’s not urgent, then it can wait.
Delegate – is there something on your plate now that someone else could do for you? If so, then go ahead and delegate that.
Already, you should be feeling a little less stressed right now.
Re-negotiate – is there a project, task, or appointment that you committed to quite a while back that you could re-negotiate based on your current reality? Speak to the person or group involved and ask to be released from your initial commitment.
Just say ‘No’ – determine to say ‘no’ to any new commitments or opportunities that aren’t vital or essential to your life right now. ‘No’ is a very positive word. By saying ‘no’ to many of the things that continually come our way, we will have the time and energy to say ‘yes’ to the few things that really matter.
It’s amazing how making a few small changes like this have a cumulative positive effect in reducing the feelings of being overwhelmed.
I hope that has been helpful to you today.
This has been Episode 28 of Soul Food with Mark Conner.
Hi everyone and greetings from Melbourne, Australia! Who would have thought that “the world’s most liveable city” would become “the world’s most locked-down city.” Yes, we were locked down for over 250 days during this COVID pandemic. We are just coming out of lockdown 6.0 and it sure feels good.
It feels like we are gradually emerging out of a long hibernation. Little by little, everything is opening up, traffic is back, and people are out and about … again.
I don’t know about you but I’ve experienced a range of emotions during this time – from tiredness to excitement, from joy to sadness, and from uncertainty to anticipation.
One way to see what is happening is a reboot.
If you have a computer, I am sure you have experienced those times when the computer screen freezes OR you have so many programs and applications open that everything has slowed down. Often the best move is to reboot your computer. Turn it completely off. Let it shut down. Then start it up again.
A reboot helps your computer run efficiently and can often speed up performance if you’ve been having issues. Closing down all your programs and temporary files and processes then restarting your operating system helps your computer operate at its very best.
Is it time for a personal reboot?
Don’t just keep doing everything you have been doing. Take a moment to reset. Start afresh.
Ask yourself some key questions:
What has value and meaning for you?
What brings you joy?
Are you focusing your time and energy on those things?
What do you want keep doing?
Is there anything non-essential that you could eliminate?
What’s different for you coming out of lockdown?
We all have limited supplies of time, energy, and money. At the same time, there are often unlimited opportunities for using these precious resources. A reboot ensures we focus on those few things that are most important to us and helps us avoid the clutter that comes with trying to do too many things all at once.
Embrace the power of a reboot!
This has been Episode 27 of Soul Food with Mark Conner.
I hope you have enjoyed the weekly episodes of Soul Food with Mark Conner which we launched last September. There have been two series so far:
Series 1 – Self Care
The big idea of this series is that “self-care is NOT selfish”! In fact, the best gift you can give the other people in your life, is you becoming a healthier person – in every area of your life.
Here is a link to each episode – including the short videos and the transcripts:
It’s true – we often spend more time thinking about their holidays than they do our life. This series assists us in taking some time to think about and reflect on our life. After all our ‘soul’ includes not only our feelings but also our thoughts and our decisions.
Here is a link to each episode – including the short videos and the transcripts:
Some people think 90 day goals are better than year long goals. After all, 12 months is a long way away but 90 days is far enough away but but still within reach.
Today is the the 31st March. It’s the last day of the first quarter of this year. Yes, believe it or not, three months of this year are already history.
Now is a good time to pause and review how the first quarter of the year has gone for you.
So how have the last 90 days gone for you?
In this series of Soul Food, our theme has been Life Think – taking time to think about our life. We’ve looked at knowing Your Why, thinking about the Many Hats we wear, considering our Next Steps, and taking a weekly Time Out. We looked at Endings, Beginnings, and those awkward In-Between times, and reflected on the concepts of Halftime and Parallel Careers.
Now is a good time to stop and think about how this year has started for you. It’s only been one quarter but are things unfolding as you intended? What has gone well? Celebrate that. What didn’t go so well? Don’t get down on yourself. See what you can learn from those experiences.
Most importantly, set your sights on the next 90 days. What’s the plan? Where are you heading? Where would you like to be when the middle of the year arrives?
90 days – I hope your next 90 days are filled with joy and many meaningful moments as you continue to think about your life.
Let’s summarise our main points:
We often over-estimate what we can do in one month but we under-estimate what we can accomplish in three months.
Take some time now to review the first quarter of this year.
Plan your next 90 days so you invest your time and energy in what really matters to you.
That’s our final episode in this series on Life Think. Soul Food will be taking a break till mid-year. See you next time as we begin a brand new series of Soul Food with Mark Conner.
Hi friends. Welcome to this week’s edition of Soul Food.
Did you know that billionaire, Richard Branson, wears the same brand of jeans and a white shirt every day because it simplifies his packing when traveling?
Even former American president Barack Obama wears only grey and blue suits. Why? To reduce decisions about what to wear or eat, so he has the energy to focus on the other important decisions he faces every day.
In his excellent book No-Fail Habits, Michael Hyatt says that one of the keys to improved effectiveness is “implementing a system of strong habits that structure your day, allowing you to automate your most important activities and make you more productive in less time.”
He goes on to say that, “By making some decisions a matter of routine, you free yourself to focus on your highest priorities without neglecting other responsibilities.”
Self-automation is the process of putting some of your daily decisions and actions on autopilot, so they happen without conscious thought. This allows you to manage important details of your life while freeing mental headspace to focus on other priorities”
In many ways, each day is like a new flight. As the pilot of your own life, if you can automate some of your basic daily routines, it will free you to focus on what is most important with less effort. By learning to make fewer decisions every day, you can actually accomplish much more while doing less.
Each of us has at least four daily rituals or routines – (1) our morning routine, (2) our work start-up routine, (3) our work shut-down routine, and (4) our evening routine.
Take the time to notice what you are already doing.
What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? What do you do after that?
What do you do first when you start work? Then what? Then what?
What do you do once you’ve decided to stop working for the day? Then what?
What’s the last thing you do before you fall asleep? What comes before that? And before that?
Once you’ve observed what you are already doing, intentionally re-engineer these routines so they work for you.
Willpower only works to a certain point when it comes to change. In fact, most of us experience ‘decision fatigue’ which gradually saps our energy as a day unfolds. Establishing automated routines saves us from having to make too many decisions each day.
One of the reasons we have so many creative ideas in the shower is partly because it is a self-automated environment. We turn the water on, shampoo our hair, and wash – without hardly thinking about it. That frees your brain up to think about something else.
Let’s summarise our main points:
You can improve your daily effectiveness by automating your most important activities.
Each of us has at least four daily rituals or routines – our morning routine, our work start-up routine, our work shut-down routine, and our evening routine. Take the time to identify what works and what doesn’t, then re-engineer them for your benefit.
Establishing helpful automated routines saves us from having to make too many decisions each day.
