Mark Conner Personal Development, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 11 – Exercise

Did you know that the average person sits for 8 hours a day … and it’s killing us! That’s a lot of time being sedentary. 

Our bodies were made for movement and one of the best things you can do each day for your own well-being is to move – to engage in some form of exercise. We are at our best when we are active and taking in plenty of fresh air. When I was dealing with some lower back pain a few years ago, my physiotherapist said to me, “Motion is lotion!”

Some of you might enjoy playing a sport, running, riding a bike, or working out at a gym. I played basketball for many years. But even if you’re not into intense exercise or cardio workouts, one thing we can all do is walk. And it’s one of the best forms of exercise. 

You can watch this episode on video on the Soul Food YouTube Channel.

Nicole and I have a pet dog – a cute little pugalier named Nikki. We love her company but we also love the fact that she needs us to walk her a couple of times every day – rain, hail, or shine. We love to get outside and walk to the nearby park together. Walking clears the head, gets our bodies moving, and gives us the opportunity to engage in meaningful conversation at the same time.

When you walk, it’s a good idea to take a different path from time to time. Get out into nature. Find a local park, creek, or forest. Wandering or meandering into new places and unknown spaces is good for the brain and it’s been proven to prevent dementia.

Let’s recap our main points:

  1. We spend way too much time sitting each day. Stand up and move around every 60-90 minutes. 
  2. Our bodies were designed for movement. 
  3. Walking is one of the best exercises we can engage in.

That’s all for today. This has been Episode 11 of Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

P.S. There are many excellent resources and books about exercise. One book that I recommend is Eat, Move, Sleep: How Small Choices Lead to Big Changes by Tom Rath.

For a simple daily exercise plan, consider the 5BX, or 5 basic exercises. It was developed by Dr. Bill Orban for the Royal Canadian Air Force back in the 1950s (the original video can be watched on YouTube). It requires no equipment and takes a maximum of 11 minutes a day. There is a separate progressive plan for men and for women based on your age group.

Mark Conner Personal Development, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 09 – Personal Growth

You can watch this episode of Soul Food on the Soul Food YouTube Channel.

When I was a teenager I started taking piano lessons. Because I had a terrific teacher (a big shout out to Mike Herron! – @MikeHerronMusic) and I loved to play, I improved fairly rapidly … but it took time. I still remember the leader of a church youth group I was a part of asking me to play the piano at a youth meeting. I had the music sheets in front of me and I was glued to every note. God help the meeting if the wind blew those music sheets away! I did that for quite a while then eventually learned to just look at the chord symbols and improvise a little. One day, I had memorised the songs and I was able to look around while playing and note, “Hey there are people in the room!” This progress didn’t happen overnight. It took time and effort.

Pat Riley, a well-known American basketball coach, once said, “Excellence is the gradual result of always striving to do better.” The key word there is “gradual”. Often we see people excel in some endeavour or activity and think that we could never do that. But we don’t see the journey they have taken to arrive at that level of excellence. 

Personal growth doesn’t just happen. It’s not about hanging around for one more year. After all, some people grow old but never grow up! Personal growth needs to be intentional. 

I remember hearing a helpful illustration from leadership expert John Maxwell. Take 5 areas of your life right now – your people skills, your organisational abilities, your financial management, your motivations, and your vision for your life or career. 

Let’s say right now you are below average in each of these areas – so we will give you a score of 3 out of 10 in each area. Of course, in life things act on each other and there is an overall synergy that develops. So if we multiple your scores like this – 3 x 3 x 3 x 3 x 3 we get an overall score of 243. 

When you are a 3 out of 10 it’s easy to look at others who are much better  than you and become discouraged and even depressed. But could you lift each of these areas from a 3 to a 4 in the next 3 months? Of course, you could.

Look what happens. When you multiple your scores like this – 4 x 4 x 4 x 4 x 4 we get a score of 1024. That’s an overall increase of 400%! A few small improvements in a number of areas results in incredible overall progress.

As we said, “Excellence is the gradual result of always striving to do better.”

As we think about personal growth, it is important to remember that success in life is not about competing with or being better than other people. It’s about developing your own potential – being the best that YOU can be.

As we keep growing, we keep fresh and relevant in our career and in our life in general. When we are learning, we are growing and when we are growing we tend to enjoy life much more. It’s all about personal growth. 

What steps could you take today to become the person you want to be? Set a goal, plan some ‘baby steps’, and then as Nike says, “Just do it!”

Let’s recap our main points:

  1. Excellence is the gradual result of always striving to do better.
  2. Personal growth needs to be intentional. 
  3. Success is not being better than others; its about reaching your potential.

That’s all for today. This has been Episode 9 of Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

Mark Conner Personal Development, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 05 – Emotions

Hi everyone and welcome to Soul Food Episode number 5. 

[You can watch it on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube Channel or visit https://linktr.ee/markconner for other social media platforms]

We are currently talking about stress, with a specific focus on internal stress – the stress we carry on the inside of us. It’s one of the most subtle but dangerous types of stress.

Internal stress comes from a variety of sources. One of those, which we talked about last week, is something called unrealistic expectations. 

Another source of internal stress is emotions that we ignore or that can sabotage us if not responded to appropriately. 

Emotions are a bit like the weather – they come and they go and each of us has a huge range of emotions on any given day. Many of our emotions are what we could call ‘positive’, but feelings of anger, worry, fear, resentment, discouragement, hatred, guilt, jealousy, and sadness are also part of what is means to be human. Sometimes we can view emotions such as these as ‘negative’ and think that we shouldn’t have them. We then try to ‘fix’ them or eliminate them as quickly as possible and start thinking more ‘happy thoughts’.

I like to see emotions are indicators. They tell us what is going on beneath the surface. If you are driving your car and a red light starts to flash on your dashboard, you don’t get a hammer out and smash it, yelling “Stop bothering me!” No, the red light is your friend – it is letting you know that something needs your attention. 

In the same way, we don’t want to allow emotions to dominate our life stories and what we hope and dream for, but we also don’t want to ignore them or suppress them. Pay attention to your emotions. Feel them fully. Consider what your emotions are trying to tell you. If we ignore our emotions or push them down, then they can create ongoing internal stress inside of us. 

I was shopping the other day and got a shopping trolley with one wheel that didn’t work. How annoying is that! It was squeaking and was squealing. It’s very draining! One emotion having a negative affect inside of you is just like that. It saps your energy and causes internal stress. 

Once we have noticed and acknowledged our feelings, a helpful way to process our emotions is talk to a safe person about what we are feeling. The very act of externalisation helps us to unpack and better understand our emotions. As we hear ourselves talk about our feelings, we often gain insight about what is going on inside of us. 

That’s why counselling and coaching can be so helpful in our life’s journey. 

So if you are stuck dealing with draining emotions, then have the courage to ask for help. 

A funny story – a few years back my wife and I were driving on a gravel road out near the Cardinia Reservoir. As we were driving along we saw some emus. So we decided to stop and take some photos. I stopped our car, began to reverse and pull to the side of the road. Unbeknown to me, there was a huge ditch at the edge of the road and the car started to slide down it. Nicole got out and directed me. We went forward a little – and slid down further. We went back a little – a slid down further. We were stuck?

Who do you call? Not Ghost Busters! The RACV. So, I got on the phone and made the call. About 30 minutes went by during which Nicole and I had some ‘intense fellowship’ about my driving skills. Eventually, a beat-up 4-wheel drive came around the corner and stopped next to us. I proceeded to tell the driver, who had a few teeth missing, that we were waiting for the RACV. He said, “I am the RACV!” Anyway, he got his rope out and before we knew it, we were out of the ditch and on our way. 

What’s the point? It was pretty embarrassing for me to call for help. But if I hadn’t, we’d still be stuck there. 

So if your emotions are making a lot of noise, are constantly interrupting you, or are wreaking some havoc inside of you, please don’t ignore them. Listen to them. Give them your attention … and, if necessary, have the courage to make a call. Talk to a counsellor or a safe person who can help you process what you are feeling … so you don’t stay stuck. 

Let’s recap our main points:

That’s all for today. Once again, I’d love to hear some comments back from you and why not talk about this your emotions with your family and friends today.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week when we continue talking about dealing with internal stress. See you then!

To listen to a 20-minute message on ‘How to Nurture Your Emotional Well-Being’, visit Mark’s podcast channel.

Mark Conner Personal Development, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 04 – Internal Stress

Hi everyone and welcome to Soul Food – Episode number 4. 

[You can watch it on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube Channel or visit https://linktr.ee/markconner for other social media platforms]

Today I want to talk to you about stress – something we all have to deal with.  Stress means pressure. It’s a feeling of emotional or physical tension usually caused by some event that makes you feel frustrated, angry, nervous, or even in danger. A certain amount of stress is a normal part of life. But too much stress can be detrimental to our well-being.

The first kind of stress is external stress. It comes from outside of us – the world we live in, the people around us, the challenges and problems we have to negotiate, and the everyday circumstances of life. For most of us, there’s a fair amount of external stress we have to negotiate, especially during this current COVID-19 global pandemic.

But today I want to talk to you about internal stress – the stress we carry on the inside of us. 

You know, we all have different capacities when it comes to handling stress. Imagine you have 100 units of stress coping ability. That means you can handle up to 100 units of stress and still be okay. 

Here’s a simple diagram to illustrate this.

Yes, that’s a picture of me back when my hair was bright red.

In this example, as long as the stress in our life is 100 units or less, we can cope. But if it gets higher, we are in dangerous territory.

But imagine if we are using 80 of our stress coping ability units on internal stress. How much external stress can we handle? Not much! Only 20 units. 

Have you ever seen a person where a little thing happens to them, something minor, and they just lose it? And you think, “What was up with that!?” I’d like to suggest to you that it wasn’t the little thing – it was the fact that the little thing was one thing to many. It pushed them over the edge. 

So where does internal stress come from? Good question.

There are many sources of internal stress. Today I want to speak about one common one – unrealistic expectations. 

All of us carry unrealistic expectations – about ourselves, about other people, and about life in general. And this creates stress on the inside of us. 

I remember talking to a counsellor once about my task addiction. He asked me if I used a task list. I said, I sure do and its a really long one. He asked what I did when I finished the day and hadn’t completed the list. I told him I simply transferred the tasks to the next day. We then explored how my unrealistic expectations about what I could accomplish in a day often left me focused on what I HADN’T DONE rather than celebrating what I HAD done. I’ll never forget him asking me what it would be like to only make a list of what I COULD realistically accomplish in a day.

I remember becoming a leader of a church when I was quite young. My expectation was that I would be able to solve all of the problems in the church. But I found that as soon as I worked through one issue, another set of problems arrived at my doorstep the next morning. I had to adjust my expectations to the fact that life is simply a series of challenges we have to work through. 

Well-known business consultant Jim Collins recommends that businesses set 5 new goals for each new year AND decide to STOP doing 5 things (see Jim’s insightful article on creating a Stop Doing List). The fact is that most businesses and most people only ADD more and more and never STOP doing things … creating all sorts of unrealistic expectations that are impossible to achieve.

What about you? What are your unrealistic expectations?

Do you expect to always have it together, to never fail, to never make a mistake? Do you expect everyone to like you, people to always be nice, and everyone to think just like you do? Do you expect every item on your shopping list to be in stock at the store, the sun to always shine, nothing to ever break, and COVID-19 to be over next week?

Unrealistic expectations create stress on the inside of us … and limit our ability to handle the inevitable external stresses that come our way. 

What would it look like for you to adjust your expectations – to embrace some ‘reality thinking’?

Let’s recap our main points:

That’s all for today. Once again, I’d love to hear some comments back from you and why not talk about this internal stress with your family and friends today.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner.

See you next week when we continue talking about dealing with internal stress.

See you then!

Mark Conner Personal Development, Spirituality

The Lost Art of Meditation

Mention the word ‘meditation‘ today, and for many people, especially Christians, it will evoke images of someone sitting in a yoga pose with their eyes closed and endlessly chanting ‘ohm’. Meditation tends to be associated with Buddhism, exotic Eastern cults, or new age philosophy. Yet the practice of meditation has strong historical roots for people of other faiths, including Christians and Jews.

In the Old Testament book of Genesis we are told this about Isaac …

One evening as Isaac was walking and meditating in the fields, he looked up and saw the camels coming.

Genesis 24:63. NLT

NOTE: This story took place hundreds of years before the Buddha lived.

Isaac was the son of Abraham, one of the wealthiest people in the East at that time. Abraham was probably a trader who had a huge extended family and an incredibly large amount of livestock and flocks. Isaac would receive all this through inheritance. His was a busy and full life – leading his family and managing his entourage at this nomadic time in history.

Despite his incredible workload, Isaac made time to get out of the tent, away from the family, and to ‘walk and meditate in the field’. Why would he do this? Because he understood the importance and the value of meditation. Good things come from solitude, quiet, and stillness.

The Hebrew word for ‘meditate‘ means to muse, to ruminate, to ponder, to analyze, to contemplate thoughtfully, to reflect, to consider deeply, and to imagine. It involves a focus on BEING or reflection, not just endless DOING or activity.

Today meditation is often referred to as ‘mindfulness‘ and it is an antidote to our activistic culture with its constant high speed, multi-tasking, and tendency to skim and hurry through everything. Not only is it practiced as an aspect of spirituality, but it is also being encouraged in the arenas of sport, business, health, and personal development.

Mindfulness is about being fully present at this moment, rather than stressing over the past or the future. It helps to cultivate a greater degree of awareness (learning to SEE) and attentiveness (learning to HEAR).

Why not take some time today to meditate. Set aside some extended time and space of NOT DOING. Find a pleasurable environment. Then adopt a posture of ready attention – without preoccupation or distraction. Focus on your breath, an inspirational quote, or a sacred text or Psalm.

Be still and know that I am God

Be still and know that I am

Be still and know

Be still

Be

Psalm 46:10.

You might enjoy reading the poem Morning Moments slowly at this time.

Quiet your busy mind. No rush. Wait. Listen. Look. Notice. Observe. Think. Meditate. Practice mindfulness. Have a time of Reflection. It will enrich your soul and enhance your personal well-being.

Let’s reclaim the lost art of meditation.

Mark Conner Current Issues, Personal Development, Spirituality

Threshold Times

Good morning from Melbourne! It’s getting a little cooler here as Autumn kicks in (or is it Winter already!?). I love this season, especially the beautiful autumn leaves everywhere. Walking each morning and evening in the nearby Edinburg Gardens with my lovely wife and our quirky pugalier is a highlight of my day.

Today begins another week in lockdown for us – our 6th week, I believe. There is talk of easing the restrictions … but who knows how long we will have to continue to bunker down. Other than missing connecting personally with family and friends, I have really enjoyed the gift of time that this coronavirus pandemic has forced on us. Time to be at home – less rushed, less travel, more cooking, and more time to read and reflect.

All sorts of questions emerge for me:

  1. I wonder what life will be like on the other side of this?
  2. Will we all simply go back to ‘normal’?
  3. OR will life be different? Interestingly, according to a recent survey, only 9% of Britons want to return to life as it was!
  4. What do I want to be different?
  5. What did we learn from this crisis?
  6. What new opportunities have emerged that need embracing from these turbulent times?
  7. What values do I desire to more firmly live out going forward?
  8. How will my relationships be different?
  9. How will my work (or study) life change, if at all?
  10. What new habits will I seek to reinforce?

In many ways, major life and societal interruptions (or disruptions!) like this can be times of significant transition. Could this even become a major threshold – for you, for me, and for all humanity? I sure hope so.

Four years ago today, I read about the concept of ‘threshold’ from Irish poet and author John O’Donohue. I copied his thoughts into my journal at the time and they became very significant for me. I was on the precipice of stepping out into an entirely new world (refer to my poem The Great Unknown and One Year On). As I read his words again this morning, I noted how true they are … and even more so for me today.

I share these thoughts with you below and I hope they may be insightful for you at this time. Is it time to walk through the wardrobe into a very different tomorrow? Is it time for you to cross the threshold?

To Cross The Thresholds Worthily: When A Great Moment Knocks On The Door Of Your Heart

It remains the dream of every life to realize itself, to reach out and lift oneself up to greater heights. A life that continues to remain on the safe side of its own habits and repetitions, that never engages with the risk of its own possibility, remains an unlived life. There is within each heart a hidden voice that calls out for freedom and creativity. We often linger for years in spaces that are too small and shabby for the grandeur of our spirit. Yet experience always remains faithful to us. If lived truthfully and generously, it will always guide us toward the real pastures.

Looking back along a life’s journey, you come to see how each of the central phases of your life began at a decisive threshold where you left one way of being and entered another. A threshold is not simply an accidental line that happens to separate one region from another. It is an intense frontier that divides a world of feeling from another. Often a threshold becomes clearly visible only once you have crossed it. Crossing can often mean the total loss of all you enjoyed while on the other side; it becomes a dividing line between the past and the future. More often than not the reason you cannot return to where you were is that you have changed; you are no longer the one who crossed over. It is interesting that when Jesus cured the blind man, he instructed him not to go back into the village. Having crossed the threshold into vision, his life was no longer to be lived in the constricted mode of blindness; new vision meant new pastures.

Today many people describe themselves as “being in transition.” In a culture governed by speed, this is to be expected, for the exterior rate of change is relentless. This “transition” can refer to relationships, work, and location; or more significantly, to the inner life and way of viewing the world. Yet the word transition seems to pale, functional, almost inadequate and impersonal, and does not have the same intensity or psychic weight as perhaps the word threshold evokes. The word threshold was related to the word thresh, which was the separation of the grain from the husk or straw when oats were flailed. It also includes the notions of entrance, crossing, border, and beginning. To cross a threshold is to leave behind the husk and arrive at the grain.

John O’Donohue

(To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings)

Mark Conner Food and Drink, General Interest, Personal, Personal Development

Birthday Reflections: Here’s to Good Health!

I turned 58 years of age a week ago. Where did the years go? I still feel like I am in my 30s … but then other days I feel like I’ve squeezed the work and activity of multiple lifetimes into this one solitary life.

In the last 12 months, my dad and my step-mother both passed away. With my own mother having passed away in 1990 that leaves only Nicole’s dad, Len Meyer, with us. He is ‘Opa’ to our family and we love him dearly. Parents passing away brings a sobriety to life, reminding us of its brevity and fragility.

This last week I participated in a radio interview. Nicole laughed a little at the advertising which promoted the topic as “What Happens When I Die” with Mark Conner. Death is something we really don’t like to talk about, unless we have to … like at funerals. Yet the death rate is running about 100% at the moment. There is a time to be born and a time to die.

One thing getting older does is make you value even more the preciousness of life. Each day is a gift. Each moment is an opportunity to love God, love people, make a difference, and enjoy life to the fullest.

The most recent research indicates that the average lifespan for Australian men is now 80 years of age and for women it is 84. These figures have increased by over 5 years since the year 1990. However, the ‘health adjusted life expectancy’ (HALE) for men is only 69 and for women it is 71.7. What this means is that, for many people, the last 10 years of their life is not what you would call healthy. The number one contributing factor to this? Obesity. Yes, one third of Australian adults and one quarter of our children are overweight. This one factor alone is affecting life expectancy and quality of life due to its impact on cardiovascular diseases.

How do we respond to this? My current thinking is that the best gift I can give my family and my loved ones is to endeavour to live as long a life as possible and be as healthy as I can … within my power.

Over 2 years ago, Nicole and I moved to a more plant-based diet. This was for health reasons with both of us having a history of high cholesterol and heart disease in our family. We have both benefited from this change, in energy and weight loss, for myself particularly.

[See What’s for Dinner? for some helpful and influential resources of this decision such as the Forks Over Knives documentary and Dr. Michael Gregor’s book How Not to Die. The highly shocking documentary Dominion also presents ethical reasons for choosing a more vegetarian or vegan approach to eating.]

More recently, I am learning that no one eating plan or diet suits every person’s unique physical body (whether that be Paleo, Keto, Atkins, Mediterranean, vegetarian, vegan or whatever!). The field of epigenetics includes discovering your unique DNA and building a lifestyle around that in order to be as healthy as you can. Visit physical health 360 to take a free test and learn about your unique health type (also, watch this intriguing TED Talk about Epigenetics and Personal Health by Matt Riemann the founder of PH360 if you’re interested in more details). As a result of these insights, I’ve made further changes to my lifestyle over the last 6 weeks and I’ve lost another 6 kilograms … without feeling hungry or deprived.

Food intake has had a big impact on our health as does regular exercise. Nicole and I have a dog – a cute little black pugalier by the name of Nikki. We walk her every day, often twice a day – rain, hail or shine. Nikki loves walking … and digging in the sand at our local beach. Walking 5-10 kilometres a day is terrific for our own well-being because of the fresh air and exercise.

One of the biggest health challenges in the West is sitting. The average person sits for 8 hours a day and its killing us. That’s why I like to move it, move it, move it!

I don’t need to know how old you are but how is your health? After all … health equals energy and energy equals life. Some health factors are beyond our control but many are within our power to do something about.

I’m sure your next birthday isn’t far away. Here’s to your own health and wellbeing … and a long life!

“We live for seventy years or so (with luck we might make it to eighty) … Oh! Teach us to live well! Teach us to live wisely and well!”

Moses (Psalm 90:10, 12) – The Message Bible
Mark Conner Leadership, Personal Development, Poetry, Relationships

The Home Crowd

There is an interesting story in the Gospel of Luke about Jesus and his home town crowd – Nazareth. Jesus grew up here. Everyone knew him as ‘Joseph’s son’. After reading the Scripture in the synagogue one Sabbath, people were surprised by how well Jesus spoke. But before you knew it, they were angry with him and drove him out of town. Some even wanted him dead. Ah, the home crowd!

What and who is your home crowd? What is your relationship with them? Do they applaud you or control you? Are you living for their approval or for the audience of one?

Here is a poem I wrote recently about the home crowd based on this story about Jesus.

Ah, the home crowd
Once a kid always a kid
Never let you grow up
The carpenter’s son
A prophet without honour

Familiarity 
Ordinariness 
Just another day
Nothing ever changes
Everything’s still the same 

Missing God
Right in front of you
Not just another day
Something new breaking out
Can you see it?

Time to slip away
Leave the crowd behind
They just don’t get it
Some never will
On your way, Son

Internal security
From another place
Got your approval
No need for applause 
All is grace 

Find open hearts
Ignore closed minds
Leave the angry ones
Can’t help everyone
Go to the hungry and thirsty

[Based on Luke 4:16-30]
Mark Conner Contemporary Culture, Current Issues, General Interest, Personal Development, Religion, Spirituality, Theology

A Map of Life’s Journey

In a few months time I will be 58 years of age. As I grow older, I find myself reflecting more on my life. Where I’ve come from, where I’ve been, where and who I am now, and where I am going. I also observe other people in their own journey as they seek to make sense of this amazing gift called ‘life’.

I read a few intriguing personal news items these last few weeks (see more below). After doing so, I sketched out the following stages as a sample map of life’s journey. Here is what I observe.

1. Construction

We all grow up in a context – a family, a country, a village or tribe, a set of values, and for many, a religious belief system. This is the ‘construction’ we emerge within. There are shapes, lines, borders, and boundaries that we learn to live and move within. Other people created this construct for us. Often they are the influential people in our life or our environment. It’s what we inherit we when start out on our journey.

2. Conversion

At some point, as we grow up, we start to find ourselves. We determine what we believe and what is true for us. For many people, there is a sense of conversion, where we embrace our world because it works for us. This conversion may be dramatic and at a specific point of time. Or it may be less spectacular and more gradual in its emergence. This is where we identify with who we are, based on the construct we have grown up within.

3. Questions and Doubts

[NOTE: There are people who stop after the first two stages mentioned above and they are content with those experiences … for the rest of their lives. They never doubt or question. Life and faith works for them. They can also tend to view people at the following stages as ‘backslidden’, ‘apostate’, or never ‘saved’. After all, where you stand determines what you see.]

For many other people, questions and doubts emerge. They start to critique the construct they have grown up within and even their conversion experience(s). This often occurs as a result of meeting other people who live outside of their construct and from hearing stories of other worlds and other world-views (belief systems).

For those who have grown up within a Christian environment or construct, the questions frequently centre around perplexities such as the existence of hell, why there is suffering in the world, the exclusivity of the Christian faith, the reliability of the Bible, the historicity of the resurrection of Jesus, and the marginalisation of LGBTQIA+ people.

4. De-Construction

As a result of the questioning and doubts, many people start to de-construct the world that other people handed them. They begin pulling out some of the Jenga blocks other people gave them. Even those passed on from parents, teachers, and authority figures. After a while, the construction starts to sway and some of the blocks topple … and for some, the whole construct comes tumbling down to the ground … with an almighty crash!

5. De-Conversion

Some people move into de-conversion after a time of de-construction. They don’t believe what they used to believe. What was once true for them isn’t true anymore. They would be hypocritical to continue to declare allegiance to the construction that no longer feels like home to them. They have changed. They have moved. Reason has triumphed over past faith.

Recent examples of people who have arrived at this stage of de-conversion include Joshua Harris, a best-selling Christian author, and Marty Sampson, a well-known worship leader from Hillsong. They are not alone … or new. Consider the intriguing de-conversion stories of people such as Charlie Templeton (peer to Billy Graham), Dan Barker and John Loftus … if you dare.

Other people skip this step altogether and move from de-construction straight into re-construction.

6. Re-Construction

Now, a time of re-construction begins. It’s time to build a new world with what truly has meaning, value, and truth to us. We begin to think for ourselves. We choose to be authentic about what we believe, apart from what others have told us we should believe. This new construction may include some aspects, beliefs and values from our past. These are now seen from a new perspective. It also includes new things that weren’t part of our past at all. This can be quite scary … and liberating.

Summary

I am still learning and researching this. I am listening to other people’s stories and reflecting on my own life journey. This is not a linear process. Life is far more circular, unpredictable, and random. Nor is it everyone’s story. Not everyone goes through each stage on this map. Nor do they identify and understand each stage. But someone does.

A few final reflection questions:

  1. What stages of this map of life’s journey do you identify with? Where have you been?
  2. Where are you now?
  3. Have you ever had questions and doubts about your inherited construct? How have you processed these? Were you given permission to lean into them or were you shamed for experiencing them?
  4. Where do you see the other important people in your life right now?
  5. How do you handle or cope with people at different places than you?
  6. How can we better truly listen to and understand other people’s stories more deeply … without judging or trying to ‘fix’ them?
  7. What emotions does this discussion about a map of life’s journey evoke for you? It is resonance, dissonance, fear, anxiety, annoyance, anger or excitement and hope?

I’d love to hear from you. Let me know your thoughts in the comment section below. If you can’t see the Comments section, click on the title of this BLOG post then scroll down to the bottom off the page.

Mark Conner General Interest, Personal Development, Spirituality

Seasons (Part 5)

One final reflection … (read Seasons Part 1 for background).

Endings Make New Beginnings Possible

Once Paul and his team had said their goodbyes, they were on their way … to Jerusalem then Rome (Acts 21:1), where he would spread the good news of Jesus even further, as well as speak to kings. Good days were ahead for him but none of this would have happened without the ending in Ephesus. Endings do make new beginnings possible.

Some chapters need to be closed before a new chapter can be written. Death is a necessary prelude to resurrection! Jesus’ life is a pattern for our life too. Some things must die so new things can grow. Endings can be opportunities for a new future. Today may be the enemy of your tomorrow. The tomorrow you envision may never come to pass if you do not end some things you are doing today. To get to a new level, a new tomorrow, or the next step, something has to end. What’s in your hand that you are holding on to that is hindering you from receiving the new things God has for you?

“True life success is doing the very best you can at where you are now then not being afraid to end that and take the next step. The endings and the great beginnings are somehow linked together. You can’t have one without the other.” Henry Cloud.

“Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending.” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” Roman philosopher Seneca

“On the spiritual journey … each time a door closes, the rest of the world opens up. All we need to do is stop pounding on the door that just closed, turn around – which puts the door behind us – and welcome the largeness of life that now lies open to our souls.” Parker Palmer

It’s been just over two years since I made a major change in my life and vocation. It involved everything we have talked about – a significant ending, letting go of the past, and grief. But despite all of this and the adjustments it has involved, Nicole and I are loving this new season of our lives. We are experiencing so much joy. I am finding my new montage of contributions meaningful and fulfilling – speaking and training others, coaching people, writing, and spending more time with my family than I have been able to for so many decades. I sure don’t miss the constant pressure and burden of leading a large, complex organisation. I am so glad I recognised the need for change and had the courage to launch out into the great unknown. No regrets!

Final Comments

What is God up to right now in your life journey? Are you experiencing a new beginning, an in-between time, or an ending? What has ended for you? What needs to end for you? Are you “stuck in a moment”, feeling paralysed (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually), unable to move, comfortable and content with a certain attitude or outlook? Could Someone be calling you to stand up, take up your mat, and move to a new place?

Is there a new opportunity awaiting you that will only come after a door closes (an ending)? Is there something you need to let go of, that is hindering you from receiving the new things God has for you? Maybe it is bitterness, resentment, anger, regret, guilt, shame or grief. Is it time to move on?

All the best with the seasons of your life!

P.S. If you found this series of BLOG posts helpful, you might enjoy hearing the message I gave back in 2015 where I first shared these reflections. It is called “Seasons” and it is now available on my podcast.

Mark Conner General Interest, Personal Development, Spirituality

Seasons (Part 4)

Here is my next reflection … (read Seasons Part 1 for background).

Endings Involve Grief

As Paul left Ephesus, not only were their final words and prayers, there were also tearful and painful good-byes, knowing they would never to see each other again. In the Message Bible, Eugene Peterson translates this moment this way:

“Then Paul went down on his knees, all of them kneeling with him, and prayed. And then a river of tears. Much clinging to Paul, not wanting to let him go. They knew they would never see him again — he had told them quite plainly. The pain cut deep. Then, bravely, they walked him down to the ship.”

Acts 20:36 – 21:1.

We experience grief anytime there is a loss in our lives. Even good changes involve loss – leaving the past behind. Grief includes a range of emotions: sadness, disappointment, frustration, and even anger at times. Usually there is process that includes initial shock, eventual acceptance, then letting go, followed by reaching out to a different future. We need to take time to be grateful and to grieve our losses.

Nicole and I have had to grieve many losses over the years – of some hopes and dreams, of homes we loved, of positions held, of opportunities, of communities and teams we have been a part of, of family members who have passed on, and of friends. Letting go of what is comfortable and familiar is not easy. There have been tears and some painful moments. It’s been incredibly hard at times … but that is part of this journey called life.

Henry Cloud encourages ‘metabolising’ endings for our benefit. We ingest life experiences like we ingest food. Keep what is usable to you and eliminate what is not. Talk it out, cry if you have to, feel your emotions fully, express them, forgive, then let it all go … after you have given it adequate attention (not denial). Only then will you be ready for whatever is next.

In his excellent book, Managing Transitions: Making the Most of Change, author William Bridges notes that it is often not the endings that do us in, it is the transitions. Transitions involve the emotion of change during the in-between times, like a trapeze artist hanging in the air! This can be exciting, yet frightening. In these liminal spaces, nothing is familiar or normal. [Some of you might be interested in a book Nicole recently contributed a chapter to called Neither Here Nor There: The Many Voices of Liminality.]

  • What losses have you had to face? Name them and go gently with yourself. All losses need to be grieved appropriately.
  • What has not changed for you? Identity the continuities.
  • In non-Western countries, they often take weeks or even months to grieve the death of a family member loved one. What can we learn from this practice?
  • Reflect on an ‘in-between time’ in your life where you found adjusting to change extremely difficult. What was most helpful during this time?

Read Part 5.

Mark Conner General Interest, Personal Development, Spirituality

Seasons (Part 3)

Here is my next reflection on Paul’s transitioning from the city of Ephesus where he had spent the last three years of his life (read Seasons – Part 1).

Endings Require Us to “Let Go” of the Past

Moving on, required Paul to let go and the church at Ephesus to let him go too (Acts 20:36-37). Saying “good-bye” like this is never easy (Acts 20:25). They actually clung on to him, not wanting him to leave. Why? Because most of us don’t like change … unless we are initiating it. In fact, by nature, most people resist change. It’s difficult and we experience it as an unwelcome intruder into our life. We prefer to be in control and operate in familiar terrain. We tend to hold on to the past rather than let it go. But we can’t freeze this moment forever or go back to the way things were. Things change and that means letting go of what was.

Could it be that you are nearing an ending and coming to a time of letting go? Nothing lasts forever. Life is about growth and growth requires change. Not every problem can be solved. Not every chapter has a happy ending. Some things need to die so that others can be born. Resurrection life only comes after death.

Signs of a possible ‘ending’ nearing may include loss of passion, loss of motivation, or simply an unsettled feeling (restlessness) or a calling to something else. This requires much discernment, courage, a great deal of wisdom, and possibly some difficult conversations. Do you simply hold on through the current storm, hoping things will get better, or is it time to acknowledge an ending has arrived? To give up hope when there is victory in sight is a mistake but to hang on to false hope is a fantasy that can end in dismal failure. Admit it when more effort will not bring about a different result.

Henry Cloud writes,

“Those with greatest difficulty abandoning things are often those unable to face reality. Understand the lifesaving virtue of hopelessness. Get hopeless about what will not work.

Hope is one of the most powerful forces in the universe. With hope, we can endure almost anything. Hope keeps us going … and that is the problem. When it comes to seeing reality, almost nothing gets in the way like a hope distortion, in ether direction. Sometimes, people keep hoping in spite of a clear reality staring them in the face.

A desire without adequate grounds is merely a wish. Hope is not a strategy. In the absence of real, objective reasons to think that more time is going to help, it is probably time for some type of necessary ending.

If you are in a hole, rule number one is to stop digging.

Get to the virtue of hopelessness by seeing that there is no reason to believe that tomorrow is going to be any different than today. You will finally have gotten to reality. It is hopeless to continue to do what you are doing, expecting different results. The right kind of hopelessness gets us on the right track.

While hope is a great virtue, hope in unreality is not. Sometimes, hopelessness is the best virtue to have, because it can finally get you to the pruning moment.”

From his book “Necessary Endings“.

I found these insights incredibly helpful when I was processing my own decision to make a significant vocational change just over 2 years ago now. It was hard and uncomfortable. It took time to process and there was a lot of wrestling inside my heart and mind. Gaining clarity was a long process.

Interestingly, the apostle Paul took time to seek God and read his own heart. Luke tells us this: “We went on ahead to the ship and sailed for Assos, where we were going to take Paul aboard. He had made this arrangement because he was going there on foot (Acts 20:13).” Although he had eight other comparison on his journey (Acts 20:4), Paul chose to walk alone on this segment of the journey. This was a 32 kilometre walk for him. Was it on this walk that he decided it was time to say a final goodbye to those in Ephesus and move on (see Acts 20:1 then verses 17-22)? Maybe he was preparing his final speech. Either way, he took time to breath in some fresh air under open skies in an environment of solitude and space for thinking.

Walking is a great way to reflect and think about our life. Solitude helps us to turn down the noise of everyone else’s opinions and the clutter of the many distractions all around us. Is it time for you to take a long walk and think about the season you are in and whether an ending is coming in some area of your life? Is there something you need to ‘let go’ of? Could it be an unhealthy relationship, a dead-end job, a home that no longer serves your needs, a ministry that no longer stirs your passion, or the security that hinders you from the adventurous mission God is calling you to?

Read Part 4.

Mark Conner General Interest, Personal Development, Spirituality

Seasons (Part 2)

Here is my second reflection on Paul’s life and the transition of seasons he was undergoing in leaving the city of Ephesus (read Seasons – Part 1).

Seasons are Marked by Endings and Beginnings

Paul felt an urgency that compelled him to leave Ephesus and go to Jerusalem, though he was completely in the dark about what would happen there (Acts 20:22). In fact, he knew there were hard times and imprisonment ahead (Acts 20:23). What mattered most was to finish what God had started through him – letting everyone know about this incredibly extravagant generosity of God (Acts 20:24). While with the church at Ephesus, Paul gave it all he had (Acts 20:18-21). He was with them totally, doing is best, giving his all (Acts 20:26-27, 31). But now he knew his time in Ephesus was coming to an end.

I know the feeling. I served on staff of a large church for 32 years – 22 years as the Senior Minister. I gave it all I had. I did my very best. But in the end, I was tired … I was spent and ready for a change. I had said and done everything I could and needed to. As I reflected personally and discussed this with my family over a period of time, I sensed that an ending was at hand. It was time to move on.

Life’s seasons are marked by endings and new beginnings. In fact, life is a series of endings, in-betweens, and beginnings, all interconnected. Examples include family changes (getting married, becoming a parent, a marriage breakdown, sickness, aging or death), school changes (from primary to secondary to university), work changes (career changes, downsizing, mergers, acquisitions, promotions or a new boss), house changes (moving, immigration, relocation), church changes (relocation, changing demographics) and ministry changes (transitions, relational changes).

Henry Cloud is his helpful book book Necessary Endings says:

“Endings are a natural part of life – we either face them, stagnate or die. Without the ability to do endings well, we flounder, stay stuck and fail to reach our goals and dreams. Endings are crucial but we rarely like them. We naturally avoid them. That’s the problem. When endings are done well, the seasons of life are negotiated, and the proper endings lead to the end of pain, greater growth, personal and business goals reached and better lives. Endings bring hope. When done poorly, bad outcomes happen, good opportunities are lost, and misery either remains or is repeated … Endings are not failures or something to be avoided. Nothing lasts forever. Endings are normal. Life produces too much – more relationships, activities, clients, mentors, partners, strategies and stuff than we have time and room for. It it time for pruning? An ending does not mean you have failed. Avoid misunderstood loyalty and co-dependency. Insecurities and fears cause us to resist endings.”

The first half of life involves mostly beginnings. In the second half of life there are more endings and new beginnings. What endings have occurred for you that led to new beginnings? Make a list of them all. You’ll be surprised how many there are in life. What were these times like for you? What were the various feelings you had to navigate? How are you different now? What did you learn?

Read Part 3.

Mark Conner General Interest, Personal Development, Spirituality

Seasons (Part 1)

I love Autumn! It is one of my favourite seasons of the year. The somewhat cooler days, the clear blue skies, and the glorious colours of the leaves. Change is in the air. The cycle of life is moving forward.

Nicole and I moved back to Melbourne last May after 18 months of living in the Sunshine Coast. We love Queensland but one of the things we missed were the seasons. I remember Nicole saying to me one day after 6 weeks of continuous sunshine and 32 degree days – “I really miss the rain!” Then when we were driving into Victoria, the first thing we noticed were the beautiful autumn leaves everywhere. We were coming back ‘home’. Yes, we have fallen in love with Melbourne … again.

Our time away was vital for us. It was like a long drink at the fountain, a place to re-fresh and re-fuel, a time to re-calibrate and transition into this new chapter of our lives. I am deeply grateful for it. It was part of my ongoing metamorphosis – of becoming who I truly am, apart from the various roles and responsibilities I have had for so many decades.

Today, I want to review some thoughts I shared back in 2015 about ‘seasons’. Take some time to read the story of the apostle Paul when he was about to leave the church at Ephesus. It’s recored for us in detail in Acts 20:13-38. Here are my observations:

Life is a Journey with Many Seasons

Paul grew up as a strict Pharisee, committed to his Jewish faith and its legal requirements. After encountering Jesus on the road to Damascus (Acts 9), his life was radically changed and he became an apostle to the Gentiles, sharing the gospel of Jesus to people from every strata of society. He ended up basing at the church in Antioch from where he travelled out on a number of church-planting missionary journeys (Acts 13). Eventually, he re-located to Ephesus where he had three years of his most fruitful ministry. This episode in his life shows us his transition away from Ephesus towards his eventual destination of Rome, the centre of the Roman Empire.

Paul’s time in Ephesus was about to come to an end. His life, like ours, was a journey with many different seasons, a story with many different chapters, much like a movie with many different scenes. Time is a constant as everything continually moves forward and is continually changing. Today becomes yesterday and tomorrow becomes today … and more quickly as you get older! We can’t control or stop the seasons, which are under God’s control (Ecclesiastes 3:1). However, we can decide how we will respond to the circumstances and the seasonal movements in our life.

In his book The Making of a Leader, leadership expert Robert Clinton says that each person that God uses goes through a common journey with different phases – sovereign foundations, ministry maturing (a primary focus on ‘doing’), life maturing (a greater focus on ‘being’), convergence, and then afterglow. There are many tests and incidents along the way – both positive and painful. There is benefit in stopping and reflecting on your journey. Life is lived forward but often understood backward.

Take some time to reflect on your life. Look back … where have you come from, where are you now, where are heading? What is God up to? What are incidents that have shaped who you are today? What have you learned? What season are you in right now?

Experience isn’t the greatest teacher. It is only the experiences that you reflect on that have the potential to become insight.

Read Part 2 of this series of BLOG posts on ‘Seasons’.

P.S. If you haven’t already, have a read of my poem entitled ‘Seasons‘.

Mark Conner Contemporary Culture, General Interest, Personal Development

Do You Have a ‘Secular’ Job?

Every now and then when I am talking with someone, in the course of the conversation, they will mention their ‘secular job’. I always pause and think about that statement. It actually grates me. Why is that?

Unfortunately, many people have created a division between the “sacred” and the “secular”. This dualism is a product of Greek philosophy that has so influenced our Western worldview. Life is often seen as a series of boxes– one for family, one for work, one for friends, one for recreation, and one for faith (God or our “spiritual life”). As long as we prioritise correctly and make appropriate contributions to each box, life will work out for us. This results in a compartmental style of thinking. In contrast, in the Hebrew or Jewish mind, and also from a Christian perspective, life should be viewed as one large circle with God in the centre. Everything else is to find its meaning and perspective from that centre. God wants to be involved in every area of our life – not just our spiritual life. All of life is sacred and God is interested in every dimension of our lives. 

Brother Lawrence, a French monastic from the seventeenth century, is well known for writing a little booklet that has touched millions of people’s lives. It’s called Practising the Presence of God. It’s about living with a greater realisation each moment of every day that God is with us and interested in doing life (including work) together with us.

The apostle Paul put it this way: “Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him (Colossians 3:17).” Doing something in Jesus’ name means to do it in his character. It means doing it as Jesus himself would do it if he were in your place. Paul is saying that our entire lives – from the moment we wake up until the time we lay down to sleep – are be lived out ‘in the name of Jesus’. Yes, God is interested in our work life. It matters to him and hopefully it matters to us too.

I hope you enjoy your job this week, whatever you may find yourself doing, and that you see it as part of your meaningful contribution to making the world a better place.

On my new podcast, I recently released a two-part series of messages called “Your Work, God’s Work” given back in 2013 which present a holistic view of our daily work. Visit Podbean or iTunes or your Spotify account to listen. You can also read the summary notes on my BLOG.