Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 32 – Emotional Intelligence

If I’m reading an annoying email and someone knocks at my door and I turn to them and yell, “What!?” That’s not very relationally intelligent. I’ve taken my emotion from one situation and bled it all over a different person for no reason at all. I’m sure they’d think twice before knocking on my door again.

If instead, I quarantine my annoyance over the email and turn to the person knocking at my door and say with a smile, “Hi, how can I help you?” I’ve demonstrated something called ‘emotional intelligence.

Well-known psychologist, Daniel Goleman has done a lot of research on the components of success, especially in the workplace. His conclusion is that Technical Skill and Intellectual Intelligence (or IQ) are very important, but that the quality of Emotional Intelligence (or EQ = Emotional Quotient), is the most essential. In fact, it’s twice as important as the other two attributes.

Emotional intelligence is learning to be aware of our own moods and take control of our emotions. It also includes knowing how to relate well to a wide variety of people.

How do we do that? Well, Jesus gave us some great advice as recorded in Matthew 7:12 when he said, “Do for others what you would like them to do for you.”

Some people call this the “Golden Rule”. The relational wisdom here is to take the time to think about how you like to be treated.

  • Think about the qualities and attributes that attract you to others, the ‘ideal friend’, if you will. People you enjoy being around.
  • We can also think about the qualities and attributes that repel us from others. You know, the ‘friend from hell’. People you don’t enjoy being around.

Then the application is to intentionally develop the qualities of a good friend and intentionally avoid or get rid of traits of people that annoy you.

This is proper advice for ALL of our relationships – think about how you want to be treated and then YOU take the initiative. Begin treating other people in that way. What a difference that makes!

Imagine a world where every one of us followed this basic principle of relationships.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

You can watch a video of this episode on the Soul Food YouTube channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 31 – Listening

Welcome to this new series of Soul Food which is on the topic of Relational Intelligence. Life is all about relationships and we’ll be looking at a whole range of skills and insights to improve our relationships – at home, at work, at school, in our neighbourhoods … wherever we find ourselves. 

Relationships are built, developed, and maintained through good communication and an essential part of good communication is the art of listening. 

  1. Listening communicates love and value. 
  2. Listening helps you understand other people. 
  3. Listening earns you the right to be heard.

Unfortunately, we easily develop a bunch of bad habits when it comes to listening. I know, because I’ve mastered all of these!

  1. Inattentiveness – because we are not concentrating or are preoccupied with our own thoughts.
  2. Interrupting – finishing people’s sentences for them or jumping with our thoughts.
  3. Advice-giving – quickly putting on our ‘fix it’ cap and telling people what we think they should do. Just a quick tip – most people don’t want to be ‘fixed’, they simply what to be heard and understood first of all. 

Thankfully, we can all develop some good habits when it comes to listening: 

  1. Show Interest – be genuinely interested in other people and what they have to say. This curiosity will help you be a better listener. In many ways, you show a person’s worth and value to you by giving full attention to their words.
  2. Focus – make eye contact, concentrate, and listen carefully. This takes effort. 
  3. Ask questions – questions are powerful. They encourage people to open up about what they know or feel, they create meaningful conversation, and they help us learn. Try these questions for going a little deeper in your interactions with people: “So then what happened …” “Tell me more …” “How was that for you?” 

Are you a good listener? Why not talk a little less this week. Ask a lot more questions. Listen more.

You’ll be a better friend … and you’ll learn a lot.

Someone once said, “We have two ears, but only one mouth, so we may listen twice as much as we speak.” That’s good advice.

Make a decision to be a better listener, beginning today. In doing so, all of your relationships will benefit.

This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

You can watch this episode on video on the Soul Food YouTube Channel.

The topics covered so far in this Relational Intelligence series include:

  1. Listening
  2. Emotional Intelligence
  3. Empathy
  4. Authenticity
  5. Love Languages
  6. Confrontation
  7. Forgiveness
  8. Trust
  9. Atmosphere
  10. Anger
  11. Acceptance
  12. Encouragement
  13. Apology
  14. Friendship
  15. Assertiveness
  16. Feedback
Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 07 – Relationships

Episode 07 of Soul Food is about Relationships and can be viewed on the Soul Food YouTube channel. Here is the transcript …

I don’t know about you but the hardest thing about this global pandemic is not being able to catch up with my family and friends. Just to be able to sit down together, have a drink, and hang out.

Us humans were made for relationships. We have this innate need to belong, to have a tribe, and then to connect on a regular basis. Relationships are vital for our own well-being. 

Relationships are also ‘spatial’. They can be seen as occurring in a series of concentric circles.

  • In the outer circle, we have our acquaintances – the 100s if not 1000s of people we will interact with during our lifetime.
  • Then we have our casual friends – people we know by name and connect with from time to time. These are our neighbors, work associates, classmates, family members, or friends.
  • Next is the next inner circle are our close friends. These are people we spend more time with and with whom we have a lot in common. We enjoy their company and make an effort to hang out with them.
  • Finally, in the smallest circle are our 1-2 best friends.

How do you find a best friend? Well, it starts with choosing to be friendly and making lots of acquaintances. The more people we meet and interact within different settings, the more opportunities we have to make close friends. It’s an inexact science and often an awkward process but as we invest time and effort in our relationships with other people, good friendships usually emerge.

Relationships change over time and in different seasons and circumstances.

What is your current relational constellation? 

  • Who’s where and why?
  • Are there some changes that need to be made or simply acknowledged? 
  • Are there some friendships that need attention right now or a greater degree of your time and energy? All relationships need to be nurtured.

Another insight about relationships is that the degree of openness determines the degree of closeness in any friendship. 

I had a lunch with a friend a few years back. As we sat down I asked him how he was going. He said, “Awesome!” He then began to tell me all the good things happening in his life. When he was done, he asked me how I was doing. I paused and thought to myself, “Will I do the ‘awesome’ thing or will I be honest?” I chose the second option. So I said to him, “Actually, things have been a little tough lately. There have been a few challenges at work and …” I was simply honest and open with him about my life. The whole tone of the conversation changed. In fact, when I was done, he told me that he was doing that well either.

Openness encourages openness. Authenticity and vulnerability are essential in building close friendships. This is not easy, especially in a world that values ‘image’ and having it all together. 

Have you got a safe friend who asks you, “How are you going … really?” If you do, you are a truly blessed person. If you don’t, then take some steps today to build your friendship circles. Hopefully, over time, some safe people will emerge. What a gift they are!

Let’s recap our main points:

  1. Friendships and relationships are vital for our own well-being.
  2. Relationships are spacial, in that we each have a constellation of relationships that can be viewed as a series of concentric circles.
  3. Our relationships change over time and in different seasons. 
  4. All important relationships need nurturing. 
  5. The degree of openness determines the degree of closeness in any relationship.

That’s all for today. This has been Episode 07 of Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

To listen to a 20-minute message on ‘How to Improve Your Relationships’, visit Mark’s podcast channel.

Mark Conner Relationships, Soul Food

Soul Food Episode 06 – Conflict

Hi everyone and welcome to Soul Food Episode 06. 

[You can watch it on the Soul Food with Mark Conner YouTube Channel or visit https://linktr.ee/markconner for other social media platforms]

We are currently talking about stress, with a specific focus on internal stress – the stress we carry on the inside of us. It’s one of the most subtle but dangerous types of stress.

Internal stress comes from a variety of sources, including unrealistic expectations and emotions that we don’t give attention to. 

Another source of internal stress is unresolved conflict. 

You know its possible to be offended ten years ago but live like it happened yesterday. BUT It takes a lot of energy to keep an offence alive like that. 

Conflict is a normal part of life. People can be annoying and there is always someone in our life who rubs us the wrong way. It’s true – where there is people there will be disagreements, arguments, and conflict. The question is not will we experience conflict but rather what will we do when it happens. 

We each have different ways of responding to conflict. 

Some people are like teddy bears. Their primary concern is to maintain the relationship so they will abandon their goals and needs to keep the peace.

Some people are like turtles. They withdraw when conflict occurs and would rather abandon their goals and even the relationship than face conflict.

Other people are like sharks. They go on the attack when conflict occurs, wanting to win at any cost. They often get their way as others withdraw under the assault.

Then there are thewise owls amongst us. They respond to conflict calmly yet firmly. They don’t withdraw or attack. They seek a way forward that considers their own needs and those of the other person. 

We also all have what could be called a fallback position. 

  • Push a teddy bear too far and they can morph into a shark. Have you ever seen a fairly compliant person suddenly lose it? 
  • Or a shark that doesn’t get their way can morph into a turtle and go sulk in the corner. 

The strongest relationships are not problem free but have the ability to reconnect emotionally after a disagreement. 

Which animal are you more like when it comes to responding to conflict? Are you a teddy bear, a turtle, a shark or an owl?

What about the people around you – your family, friends, class mates or work associates? 

The more we can understand the different ways we respond to conflict, the better equipped we are to work together to resolve conflict when it does occur.

There is one more animal I want to mention and that is the fox. The fox is a clever ‘situational conflict manager’. They have learned that different situations call for different responses. 

  • Sometimes be the teddy bear – the issue isn’t that big a deal.
  • Sometimes be the turtle and just pull your head in until the dust settles. 
  • At other times, be a bit shark like. There is a big difference between being aggressive and being appropriately assertive. 
  • At other times, be the wise owl – working for to protect the relationship and your goals.

Conflict is painful and its not easy to deal with. There are no simply solutions nor easy answers. But if we ignore it, resentment can build up inside of us like toxic waste. And it uses up a lot of energy causing us internal stress. 

Whatever you do, don’t ignore conflict. It rarely gets better by itself. In fact, it usually gets worse.

Is there a conflict in your world today that needs attention? What could you do to take a step towards resolving it? It takes two people to resolve a conflict but even one person can often influence the situation positively. Finally, is there someone who could help you process what is happening? 

Let’s recap our main points:

Let me encourage you to give attention to your internal stress. Embrace realistic expectations, manage your emotions, and do your best to resolve conflict. As you reduce your internal stress to as low as possible, you will have the capacity to handle the inevitable external stress that will come our way.

That’s all for today. This has been Soul Food with Mark Conner. See you next week!

Mark Conner Family, Relationships, Special Events

The Love of a Mother

This coming Sunday is Mother’s Day, a century-old tradition of taking time to thank and honour our amazing mums. Mums are special people we owe so much to – in addition to our very existence! Most mums are faithful, loyal, hard-working, loving and caring people. We honour and applaud them today. Of course, Mother’s Day brings a variety of emotion with it – gratitude, if you had a great mum, some sadness and pain if you had a difficult or absent mum, and grief if you wanted to be a mum but haven’t yet been able to have children. 

My Mother

My mother was Muriel Joyce Conner (nee Douglas). She was born in Bendigo and grew up there on a sheep farm before meeting my dad and moving to Melbourne. She was a very warm and caring person. I am so thankful for her love and the constant encouragement she gave me as a boy growing up. I miss her hugs and our many conversations together. She passed away suddenly in October, 1990 (see “My Encounter with Grief“).

Kevin and Joyce Conner – Photo taken in Portland, Oregon in the 1980s.

Your Mother?

What was your mother like? Mothers are highly influential people but no mother is perfect. Ideally, they provide care, love, nurture and protection for their children, but that isn’t always the case. In their recent book, Our Mothers, Ourselves: How Understanding Your Mother’s Influence Can Set You on a Path of a Better Life, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend (best-selling authors of Boundaries) unpack how our mothers shape us – for better or worse, including describing different types of mothers and styles of mothering. These include the Phantom Mum, the China Doll Mum, the Controlling Mother, the Trophy Mum, the Still-the-Boss Mum, and the American Express Mum. It is easy to dismiss the past, but even as adults we need to understand our mother’s pervasive influence on our life.

No matter what our mother was like, we need to give them love and respect, gratitude, and forgiveness. In addition, we need to “leave” appropriately and be who we are, severing that umbilical cord of dependence, as it were. Then we return, hopefully as friends.

The Art of Mothering

All mothers should seek to be the best mothers that they can be. This includes making a choice to:

  1. Love unconditionally. True love is not just an emotion but is an act of will to do what is best for another person, regardless of what they are like. Kids aren’t perfect yet they need to know they are loved … no matter what. 
  2. Affirm frequently. Words are powerful (Proverbs 18:21). Use them for good – to build up your children (Ephesians 4:29). Children thrive under encouragement, affirmation and praise.
  3. Instruct clearly. Establish clear expectations and consequences, then follow through consistently. Teach desired behaviour (what) and the values behind it (why). Example is essential (kids do what they see), as is a loving relationship. 
  4. Discipline lovingly. Loving discipline is about giving appropriate consequences for disobedience, not abuse or harsh, angry punishment.
  5. Empower fully. As children grow and mature, empower them more to make their own decisions and be responsible for their own lives. Our kids are really not ours. We don’t own or possess them. They are gifts …. loaned for a time. Help them become who they were designed to be. Don’t project your own wishes on them. Then trust God and let go of any unnecessary guilt or condemnation for the choices they may choose to make. 

God as Mother?

Sometimes mums can find it difficult to see themselves as a reflection of the image of God. This may be because of the number of male references to God in the Bible, such as ‘king’ or ‘Father’. But God is not male! God created women so if he was a man this would be impossible because we all know that men know nothing about women! 

God is Spirit. He transcends gender yet includes what we know as male and female. Men and women were both created in God’s image. God has both masculine and feminine qualities, including motherly traits of caretaker, comforter and nurturer (see Isaiah 42:14; 49:14-16; 66:13. Hosea 13:8. Matthew 23:37). That’s why it takes both men and women to reflect God accurately.

Mums – like all women, you are made in the image of God. You reflect his nature and his characteristics … even in the mothering of your children. Walk with a sense of dignity and honour. You matter … just because of who you are.

Reflections Questions

  1. What does Mother’s Day mean to you?
  2. Think about your own mother. What are you thankful for? What was difficult?
  3. Reflect on the “art of mothering”. Reflect on how God is the model of the perfect parent. 
  4. Consider the feminine aspects of God’s nature – love, care and nurture. Why do we struggle with seeing God this way? What do we miss out by thinking of God only in male images?
  5. Reflect on the life of Mary, the mother of Jesus. What can we learn from her? A few years back, I shared a message on “Jesus and His Mother“. You can listen to the message on my podcast (also available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify) or watch the message.
  6. Finish by saying a prayer for all of our family relationships. 
Mark Conner Current Issues, Relationships

Improving Our Relationships

What a crazy time it is! The spread of the coronavirus is unleashing a pandemic of fear and uncertainty right across our world. This is impacting every one of us – mentally, emotionally, financially, and relationally. Who knows where, when and how this will all end. No doubt, it will pass, but at what cost and what kind of world will we return to? It will definitely be different.

At times like this, our relationships become more important than ever. Although we need to be ‘socially distant’ for a while, it is not a time to be isolated or relationally aloof. We need each other more than ever.

Recently, I shared a message at Bayside Church on Improving Our Relationships. You can listen to the message on my podcast (visit my Podbean site or download it from your favourite podcast APP). For a summary of the message, why not re-visit these blog posts which cover the main three insights for improving our relationships:

  1. Be a Good Listener.
  2. Think Before Speaking.
  3. Control Your Anger.

Stay safe and take advantage of this time to strengthen your own relationships.

Mark Conner Leadership, Personal Development, Poetry, Relationships

The Home Crowd

There is an interesting story in the Gospel of Luke about Jesus and his home town crowd – Nazareth. Jesus grew up here. Everyone knew him as ‘Joseph’s son’. After reading the Scripture in the synagogue one Sabbath, people were surprised by how well Jesus spoke. But before you knew it, they were angry with him and drove him out of town. Some even wanted him dead. Ah, the home crowd!

What and who is your home crowd? What is your relationship with them? Do they applaud you or control you? Are you living for their approval or for the audience of one?

Here is a poem I wrote recently about the home crowd based on this story about Jesus.

Ah, the home crowd
Once a kid always a kid
Never let you grow up
The carpenter’s son
A prophet without honour

Familiarity 
Ordinariness 
Just another day
Nothing ever changes
Everything’s still the same 

Missing God
Right in front of you
Not just another day
Something new breaking out
Can you see it?

Time to slip away
Leave the crowd behind
They just don’t get it
Some never will
On your way, Son

Internal security
From another place
Got your approval
No need for applause 
All is grace 

Find open hearts
Ignore closed minds
Leave the angry ones
Can’t help everyone
Go to the hungry and thirsty

[Based on Luke 4:16-30]
Mark Conner Family, General Interest, Personal Development, Relationships

The Blessing of Giving

Jesus said and did many things, a lot of which is recorded in the four Gospels of the New Testament. But not everything Jesus said and did was written down (see John 21:25). The apostle Paul rarely quoted Jesus, but one statement that must have been passed on to him through ‘oral tradition’ (it’s not recorded in the Gospels) is Jesus saying this:

“It is more blessed to give than receive.” NIV

“You are far happier giving then getting.” The Message Bible

“More blessing come from giving than receiving.” CEV

Acts 20:35.

Paul used this statement as the foundation for his life of generosity. In the city of Ephesus, where he had lived and ministered for three years, he had worked hard with his own hands – to meet his own needs and to help other people (see Acts 20:32-38).

Jesus is saying that we are far happier, better off, fortunate, and blessed when we are in the giving mode than the receiving mode. This sound unnatural, doesn’t it, even counter-cultural!?

Well-known Jewish psychologist, Martin Seligman, an influential leader in the positive psychology movement, tells a story in his book on Learned Optimism about lecturing students in university on the subject of happiness. He gave them an assignment of doing two things during the week – (1) something pleasurable for themselves (e.g. eat a hot fudge sundae, or see a movie) and (2) something for others that had no personal benefit (e.g. work in a soup kitchen, give flowers to someone, or help an elderly person across the street). They were to measure their emotions before, during, and after these two seperate events.

The students returned from their assignments and unanimously noted that when doing something pleasurable for themselves there was a sudden spike of positive emotion that quickly faded away. However, when they did something for others, their positive emotions built up toward the event and then lingered long after.

They could have saved all the work by just listening to Jesus! Yes, it is true – we are far happier when we are giving out to others than when we are self-obsessed. It’s a fact of life.

In what ways are we happier giving than receiving? That was the subject of my message at One Community Church last weekend where I spoke on this teaching of Jesus. You might want to listen to the audio online (26 minutes) OR check out my new podcast. Enjoy!

Finally, may you find great joy in looking out for others this coming week and serving them in love. You will be glad you did.

Mark Conner Personal Development, Relationships

Life Change

Change-challengeLife change and character development take place best in the context of relationships.

For example, when our three children were growing up, I noticed that when they are 'alone', such as on a date with me, each of them had the ability to be extremely angelic. However, when they were ‘together’, especially in the backseat of our car, something demonic seemed to emerge! “He hit me,  … she hit me first… he’s looking out my window … no, I’m not … she’s ignoring me, dad … he ignored me first … etc, etc.” You get the picture! Yet it was in their interaction with one another that their character had the potential of growing the most.

It’s the same with us – qualities such as patience, kindness and forgiveness are easy when you’re by yourself but it’s in the daily real life interaction with other people that we are really tested and where these qualities have the potential to be worked into our character.

  • I can be very patient when I'm not waiting for someone.
  • I can be very forgiving when no one has offended me.
  • I am very kind when no one is being mean to me.

It is in the very process of doing life with other people – with all of their idiosyncrasies – that we grow and mature as people. Even a challenging relationship can be as powerfully transforming as a relationship that happens almost without effort – maybe even more so. 

Solomon, one of the wisest persons who ever lived, wrote this over 2,500 years ago:

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17.

That sounds like a bit of friction and a few sparks to me!

When you become part of a family, a team, a neighbourhood or a small group, there will be people who are different than you there, maybe very different! Yet, often these kinds of relationships provide the opportunity for us to grow and develop the most. They draw us out of our comfort zones and stretch our loving capacity.

Are you having a challenging time with someone right now? Maybe instead of trying to get rid of them or removing yourself from them, consider what change or transformation this situation could work out in you – if you responded differently (0f course, I'm not talking about staying in abusive or unsafe environments). 

Life change … think about it.

Mark Conner Relationships

Love Pays Attention

Paying-attention

Love pays attention. 

Unfortunately, I often get distracted when people are talking to me (including my wife, Nicole), which usually evokes the comment, “You’re not listening to me!” Love means being 'fully present' with a person, paying focused attention to them by looking them in the eye and concentrating not just on their words but also on the meaning and feelings behind the words.

Studies in psychology tell us that the thing people value as much as direction or insight when they go to someone for counselling is to be in the presence of another human being who will actually look at them, listen to them, pay attention to them and treat their lives and hearts as though they mattered!

The Bible tells us that God pays attention to us. The great priestly blessing that God himself taught the people of Israel says this:

Numbers 6:24-26. “The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.” NIV

To turn your face toward someone is to give them your wholehearted, undivided attention. It is not the casual listening of a preoccupied mind. It is saying, “I have nothing else to do, nowhere I’d rather be. I’m fully devoted to being with you.” This is the kind of attention God gives to us.

Not only does God turn his face toward us, he will make it shine upon us. The shining face is a picture of delight, like proud parents beaming at their newborn baby, or the radiant face of a groom as he watches his bride walk the aisle. As a communicator – there’s nothing more encouraging than people who pay attention and whose faces are shining. And the opposite is true – people who are critiquing, are in a bad mood, or studying the patterns on my shirt!

God pays attention to us, really close attention. Jesus said, “The very hairs of your head are all numbered (Luke 12:7).” That’s an easier task for some of us than others! Often we don’t even notice when someone changes their hairstyle, yet God notices when one hair falls out. He may not replace it, but at least he notices it. Jesus is not teaching about God’s incredible capacity to crunch the numbers but that God is amazingly attentive to even the smallest details of our lives.

To become more loving means to become more like God. It means to see as he sees, to listen as he listens and to attend as he attends to the people in your relational world.

  • Love remembers  - birthdays, events and even seemingly insignificant details.
  • Love notices – differences, moods, joys, fears, and changes.
  • Love listens – turn your face, look people in the eye, be fully present, listen to the words and to their heart.

When we slow down enough to listen to people we become more able to listen to God. We learn not only to slow down but also to focus and to listen. This helps us deal with our spiritual attention deficit disorder.

Jesus often said, “Let anyone with ears listen!”(Matthew 11:15; 13:9, 43). Love pays attention and then responds. 

See a need today and then do your best to meet it or at least be a part of the solution. Simply listening and taking interest in others has a powerfully positive impact on them. 

Think about it: love pays attention.

Mark Conner Leadership, Relationships

The Art of Coaching (Part 3)

Coaching

Graham Alexander developed a simple but effective model (or mental map) for sequencing good questions. It is called The GROW model and it was first published by John Whitmore.

The Grow Model

Coaching-graphic

  • GOAL – “What do you want? What are you trying to achieve?”
  • REALITY – “What is happening? What action have you taken so far and what were the effects?”
  • OPTIONS – “What could you do? What are the alternatives?” Seek possibilities, not one solution.
  • WILL – “What will you do? When will you do it? What obstacles will there be? How can I help?”

This requires active listening so as to gain clarity on the issues. The coaching cycle is ongoing and includes celebrating progress and ‘wins’ along the way. Encourage small steps towards a person’s goal.

This coaching model is very powerful and can be used informally in any conversation, including with family members, friends and even with ourselves as we reflect on our own lives. The power is in the questions. They help to raise awareness and then build responsibility, both of which are the key to life change and significant achievement.

Conclusion

Through effective coaching, we can help to develop the potential of the people around us, achieve our goals, and enjoy the journey together. You can be a coach! Try it today and reap the rewards of helping others reach their goals and their potential. 

Mark Conner Leadership, Relationships

The Art of Coaching (Part 2)

Coaching

The coaching process involves two aspects: (1) raising awareness and (2) building responsibility.

Creating awareness is all about helping the individual see themselves ("self-awareness") and their situation (what is happening around them) accurately. People can only deal with what they are aware of. Without awareness, no true change or progress can be made.

John Whitmore says that “a coach is not a problem solver, a teacher, an advisor, an instructor or even an expert; he or she is a sounding board, a facilitator, a counsellor, an awareness raiser.”

Building responsibility is the next step. Until an individual accepts and takes responsibility for themselves and their situation, no change will occur. Telling someone to be responsible for something doesn't make them feel responsible for it. People have to choose to be responsible.

The Power of Questions

Good questions are the best tool for raising awareness and building responsibility because asking is more effective than telling.

Bob Logan says, “Good coaching isn’t the art of giving good answers; it is the art of asking good questions.” 

Questions are a powerful way to develop people.

Even the Bible highlights the impact of questions. God himself often asked questions when in conversation with people (see Genesis 3:8-9). Jesus, although he had so much to say, often used questions when talking with people (see John 1:35-38). Precision questions go straight to the heart. Jesus used questions not because he needed an answer but in order to bring a person to a new level of understanding.

Questions help build relationships, are a key to creativity and problem-solving, enhance education and learning, and are an aid to personal growth. After all, experience is not the best teacher; only reflection on experience turns experience into insight.

Today, why not shift from a 'telling' approach in your relationships and try more of a 'question-orientated' approach, followed by attentive listening. You will notice a remarkable change in your relationships and your effectiveness in helping others grow and achieve their goals.

Tomorrow (in part 3): A Model for Coaching.

Mark Conner Leadership, Relationships

The Art of Coaching (Part 1)

Coaching

In many ways, all of us are leaders. We influence others – family, friends, neighbours and school or work associates. It may be formally or informally, but it happens. We get to choose whether that influence is positive or negative, helpful or unhelpful. 

Leaders engage in a number of activities when interacting with other people, including communication, planning, problem-solving, directing, training, assisting, mentoring or coaching. People, including ourselves, rarely achieve their potential without the help and input of other people. 

Today let's talk about coaching. 

In his excellent book Coaching for Performance, John Whitmore defines coaching as: “unlocking a person’s potential to maximise their own performance. It is helping them to learn rather than teaching them.” Good coaches think in terms of a person’s future potential, not just their past or current performance.

Through a business fable entitled The Coaching Conversation, Brian Souza identifies four types of managers:

  1. The Nice-Guy Manager,
  2. The Do-it-all-Manager
  3. The Micro-Manager.
  4. The Coach.

He suggests the following three steps:

  1. Change your approach – stop acting like a manager and start acting like a coach. Change your mindset to focus on other people's success, not just your own.
  2. Create an environment that is conducive to coaching. A relationship built on trust and good rapport is a vital part of this. 
  3. Transform the conversation into a weekly constructive coaching conversation. It's take more than an annual review to bring out the best in people!

He goes on to say:

  • As a coach the more you give, the more you’ll get. The more you care, the more your team will contribute.
  • Great coaches consistently get the most out of their people because they consistently put the most into their people.
  • As a coach, the only way you can achieve your potential is to first help your team members achieve theirs.
  • Coaching is not merely something that you, as a manager, must do. A coach is someone that you, as a leader, must become.
  • When all is said and done and we’ve completed this journey we call life, what will matter most is not what we have achieved, but rather who we have become.

Here are a few reflection questions around the theme of coaching:

  1. Who has had the most positive influence on your life to date? What was it about them and their approach toward you that helped you the most?
  2. Have you ever thought of yourself as a 'coach'?
  3. Who around you could benefit from more of your interest in their life?
  4. What are some of the potential joys of coaching?
  5. What are some of the potential challenges?

In many ways, coaching is an art form. It is something that we can develop and learn to do better. 

Tomorrow (in part 2) we will look more closely at the actual coaching process. 

Mark Conner Relationships

The Priority of LOVE (Part 6) – Visible Love

Known by Our Love

Jesus’ dream was that his followers would be known by their love (John 13:34-35). Think of all the various qualities Jesus could have told us to be known for – truth, justice, holiness, or righteousness. All of these are very important, yet Jesus’ desire was that LOVE be the mark, the measure, and the goal for his new community – the church.

I Want to Know What love Is

Love is such a misunderstood word and concept today. It can mean anything from friendship to romance to sex. Jesus came to demonstrate a love of another kind – a love that caused him to be willing to lay his life down for us (John 15:12-13). It was a self-giving, sacrificial love … all for the benefit of others. It was a love unparalleled in the world.

In the letter to the Corinthian church, the apostle Paul paints a portrait of the kind of love God wants us to be known for (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). This love is patient and kind. It is not jealous or envious of others. It is not boastful or proud. It is not rude or always demanding its own way. It is not easily irritated and it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not rejoice in injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. It never gives up and never loses faith. It is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance. 

God offers us this kind of love so that we experience it deeply … then pass it on to other people around about us. We are to pay forward what God has given so freely to us. Love is to be the hallmark of those in whose lives the presence of God is being reflected. For us to be known by our love, our love needs to not only be genuine, it needs to be VISIBLE. People are to SEE the love that we have for each other.

Spheres of Influence

The first sphere where we can be known by our love is within our local church family. God sets the solitary in families and each follower of Christ benefits from being a part of a community of other people who are also following Christ (whether small or large in size, informal or formal in style, traditional or contemporary in form). The Christian faith is not a solo sport. It is something we do together with others. Our love is demonstrated through our relationships with our natural family (Ephesians 5:21-6:4), our Christian friends, and our brothers and sisters in Christ (1 Peter 3:8). Genuine love involves looking and listening to what is happening in other people’s lives, then seeking to respond through encouragement, service, practical support or prayer (1 John 3:11-19; 4:7-21). It is also a love that forgives and that seeks to resolve conflict if it occurs (Ephesians 4:1-3, 31-32).

The second sphere where we are to be known by our love is within the wider Christian community. This refers to the Church of Jesus Christ made up of every true believer and local congregation that confesses Jesus as Lord and God (Ephesians 4:1-6. 1 John 4:1-3). Today there are over 38,000 different Christian denominations, each claiming to have the truth. Let us never forget that truth is found in a person (Jesus) and that each of us has only a perspective of the truth. We need to unite around what we share in common (our faith in Jesus Christ) and be willing to accept our differences in secondary matters. Jesus desires that we be united in our love for each other (John 17:21).

The third sphere where we are to be known by our love is before the watching world. This was of primary concern to Jesus. He believed that our love for each other would prove to the world that we are truly his followers (John 13:34-35). Nothing so astonishes a fractured world as a community in which radical, faithful, genuine love is shared among its members. Sadly, the church is not always known for its love. Sometimes we are more known for what we are against than for what we are for. Yes, zeal for truth is important but God wants more from us than just seeking to have correct doctrine.  Our genuine love for one another, as well as our love for our community, demonstrated by acts of service and compassion, is to be our priority.

Billy

Reflection Questions

  1. What do you think Jesus had in mind when he told his followers that they were to be known by their love? What did he see? What did he dream of?
  2. Reflect on the shock that Paul’s comments in 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 would have had on his readers. What can subtly become more important than love today?
  3. What does genuine love look like in action? Make a list (then compare it to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
  4. What are some ways we can work towards greater unity in the Christian church?
  5. How would you describe the general reputation of the church in our society today?
  6. Is the church known as the most loving place in town? If not, what needs to change?

Back to Part 1

Mark Conner Relationships

The Priority of LOVE (Part 5) – Tough Love

Jesus calls us to a life of love. Sometimes love has to be tough, especially when there has been a conflict.  Arguments and disagreements separate people and create division between friends, families, communities, and even in the church. It takes a great deal of courage, wisdom, and sensitivity to resolve conflicts and restore relationships. Jesus understood that conflict would occur and he prepared his followers for these times. He warned against anger and made reconciliation a priority for disciples (Matthew 5:21-23). He commanded loving confrontation and taught a clear process for sorting out differences (Matthew 18:15-17). He expected his followers to give their best efforts towards resolving every conflict as quickly and thoroughly as possible. The apostle Paul picked up the teaching of Jesus, emphasising unity and living at peace with everyone, if at all possible (Romans 12:18; 14:19 Ephesians 4:1-3). He also warned against the dangers of anger and its potential to destroy relationships (Ephesians 4:26-27) as did James (James 1:19-20).  

Principle of Conflict Resolution

Here are five extremely important principles for resolving conflicts:

1. Control your anger

When conflict occurs, it is normal for us to feel angry. It is not wrong to have angry feelings but what we do with our anger is critical. Avoid pushing your anger down inside (‘repression’) and avoid giving uncontrolled expression of it through your behaviour (‘ventilation’), both of which can do great damage to our relationships. Confronting other people in anger puts the relationship at further risk. Wait until your emotions have settled down so that you can talk about the situation in a constructive and more objective manner. Anger management is essential for healthy relationships (Proverbs 14:29; 16:32. Ecclesiastes 7:9. Ephesians 4:31-32).

2. Have the courage to confront

When a conflict has occurred, it is much easier to ignore the issue or talk to other people about it. Unfortunately, this does nothing to help resolve the situation. Jesus commands us to “Go” to the person who we have had a conflict with and talk to them about it (Matthew 18:15-17). This could qualify as one of the least obeyed commands of Jesus. There are a variety of reasons why people don’t confront. Some feel afraid of it and may lack confidence in how to go about it. Others believe that confrontation could make the situation worse or they don’t think it will accomplish anything, so they don’t bother. However, none of these reasons excuse us from obeying Jesus’ command.

Avoid aggressiveness as this usually worsens the situation and escalates the conflict. Also, avoid under-assertiveness that fails to be honest about true feelings and thereby minimises the situation. The apostle Paul taught people to “speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).” This takes both courage and consideration. Avoid speaking the truth in an unloving manner but also avoid being so loving that you skirt around the issues. Confrontation should take place in private and not while we are angry. Remember, a soft or gentle answer turns away anger while harsh words stir it up (Proverbs 15:1). Talk openly and honestly about your feelings. Don’t allow emotional distance to remain. Make every effort to reconnect your hearts.

3. Seek to understand the other person’s perspective

In every conflict, there are different perspectives. Division is simply two (di-) visions – two different ways of looking at something. Relational maturity is demonstrated by our ability to listen to the other person’s feelings and perspective so that we truly understand where they are coming from. Understand, as much as possible, other person’s point of view. To gain this depth of understanding, we have to learn to listen well, not just put our case forward (see James 1:19-20). Once people are truly understood, they are far more open to understanding us as a result.

4. Learn the art of apology

In most conflicts, there are wrongs on both sides. Pride causes us to justify ourselves and to refuse to take responsibility for our own attitudes and actions. Instead, we focus all of our efforts on blaming the other person. In contrast, God calls us to have the humility to take responsibility for our own mistakes, oversights or lack of sensitivity. Learning to say, “I’m sorry,” “I was wrong,” and “Would you forgive me?” is an important part of being the peace-makers that God calls us to be (Matthew 5:9). A sincere apology can help us reconnect emotionally and rebuild trust with others.

5. Value reconciliation over being right

During a conflict, we can tend to focus all of our attention on the issue(s) at hand and forget the importance of the relationship. Without ignoring the issue(s), it helps to see the restoration of the relationship as the primary concern. Once the relationship is restored, which usually requires appropriate apologies and forgiveness, there is a much better chance that the issues can then be resolved. If the focus is only on the issue(s), the conflict can easily reoccur and reconciliation often becomes improbable if not impossible. Ultimately, reconciliation is an issue of the heart. True forgiveness results in treating the person better after the offense than before.

Theo

The Joy of Unity

Jesus understood the power and the blessing of unity. He knew the Psalmist’s declaration of how good and pleasant unity is and the fact that that is where God commands his blessing (Psalms 133:1-3). That is why Jesus worked so hard to create a spirit of unity and agreement amongst his disciples. He also prayed that they would be as one as He was with the Father (John 17:21). May we be a church community who does life together with one heart and one mind, even if it takes some tough love to make that a reality!

Reflection Questions

  1. What are some of the common causes of arguments or disagreements?
  2. What are some common “anger triggers?” How can we prepare in advance for these situations, so that we don’t always give into anger?
  3. Discuss Paul’s teaching about “forbearing” with one another in love (Ephesians 4:2. Colossians 3:13).
  4. Think about a conflict that you were involved in that was resolved. What were some of the contributing factors to the resolution occurring?
  5. Why is it so difficult to obey Jesus command to “go” to someone when a conflict occurs?
  6. Is there a strained relationship in your life now? What could you do to help repair it? How can you take responsibility for anything you’ve contributed to the current situation?
  7. Take some time to pray for improved relationships – in every area of your life.

Next: The Priority of Love (Part 6) – Visible Love